SO and me and his kids...

[starrzone]

Deleted

 

[Liberty Belle]

He may be waiting until they are completely comfortable with you and your role in their lives. It must be difficult for the kids to understand. I don't think he's being unreasonable.

How long have they been divorced? If it's been a while, I might change my answer.

 

[Serena]

Have you talked with him? He may be the kind that doesn't like pda's ever, or this may be something he just isn't comfortable with yet in front of his kids. I think not even holding your hand is a little much, but like I said, I would talk to him and see what his reasoning is.



Then come back and tell us so we can tell you whether he's nuts or not.

 

[sbell111]

I think that if he is going to present you to his children as someone he is in a relationship with, then he should be willing to show some affectionate behavior around his children. Otherwise, he isn't being fair to you. Actually, I don't think that he's doing his kids a favor either, since he isn't showing his children how to show affection in a relationship.

Bottom line, you should ask him what's up and then act accordingly based on his answer.

 

[kirbsam]

totally not right.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Here are my thoughts/questions and I am a stepmother.

1) Are you living together? If not, there is no reason for you to spend the night when they are there.

2) How long have they been divorced? Are you the first SO he has brought around the kids? Maybe he is trying to take it slow with them.

3) How is the ex? Is she giving him crap about you being around the kids? If she is, I'm not saying its right but maybe he doesn't want to have to listen to it.

There are lots of reasons why he would be taking it slow with you around the kids. Maybe he doesn't like PDA in front of them. Maybe the kids are having a hard time. There could be a lot of reasons. Bottom line is that these kids are in his life forever, you might not be. Sorry but that's the fact.

Bottom line, no one can tell you what his reasons are but him. Sit down, when the kids aren't around, and have a heart to heart.

 

[kathie859]

If he's not sure how the children will accept you as his "girlfriend" and is avoiding the whole "your Mother is still your Mother but this is my girlfriend" issue--it's time for you to talk thru this as a couple. If the children resent you or see you as reason Daddy and Mommy are no longer together--Dad needs to have a calm, loving talk with them.

Children need to see normal, loving relationships between adults. I'm not talking over-the-top PDA's--just the occasional hug, peck on the cheek or hand holding.

Now...warning this is ugly: IF your SO has introduced you into his children's lives before he's sure of your relationship--shame on him! His children shouldn't be exposed to every lady that he dates. Children can form some pretty quick strong bonds and if a breakup occurs it can be like another divorce.

I wish you the best in sorting out what's best for all concerned.

 

[java]

Are you his first post divorce girlfriend? Maybe that's why he is treading so lightly.
But really it's overkill on his part. If you are "sleeping over" the kids get that you are in his life. Kids are smarter than you think.

Why can't you be affectionate to him? what's his fear? Talk to him about it and find out WHY. Maybe there is a valid reason that we can't come up with.

On him being affectionate with his kids- um I wouldn't compare that to what you two have. It's just going to backfire on you. Keep the focus on YOU two.

 

[Avalon_toon]

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your SO too - you need to get things worked out so you are both on the same page with what message you are sending to the kids.

If he doesn't want them to know you are his girl friend, then I think he's wrong - you ARE his SO, you ARE in the kids lives, and he needs to be honest with them about that or he's teaching them its okay to lie about relationships to those you love. He thought enough of your relationship to let you into the kids' lives, now he needs to be honest about it to them.

If they do know you are his girlfriend, but he doesn't want to show you even the simplest affection in front of them, he's wrong there too, imo - kids need to see healthy loving relationships, and chances are if they have just watched their parents divorce, they've seen more than they needed to of unhealthy relationships.

He might be worried the kids would be jealous - and I bet they might be, a small bit (my step-DD would squeeze between me and her dad whenever we held hands, for the first few months or so of our relationship, even though she and I were best buddies right from the start) - but so long as he behaves towards them as he always has done, I think this will pass fairly quickly, if they like you already.

So definitely speak to him about it, and see what he has to say - but also try to get him to see that he needs model for his kids the kind of relationship, and the kind of honesty, he wants them to grow up knowing.

 

[Robinrs]

Okay, make believe YOU are the kid and it's your Daddy with some woman.... and they start pda'ing in front of YOU?...

I think he's considering how they feel. That's the sign of an awesome father. Keep your PDA private. The kids don't need to see it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess I don't blame him for protecting his kids, there could be many reasons why he is doing this.

I would just give him some time, talk it over with him and see if you are on the same page.

I am sure you are having a small warning bell go off in your head.

That is normal too. You may find that you do not want to compete with SO's kids. I don't think there is anything wrong with being honest with yourself.

 

[N&B'smom]

Please bear with me if I'm being unreasonable and/or naive, as I've never dated someone with kids before and neither has any of my close friends or family...

I've been seeing SO since January. I briefly (as in said "hi") met his kids ( 7, 6) in March, and we started spending a few hours with them here and there in April. We've had several overnight visits with them since then, and even took them on a 2-day mini-vacation last week. When we have the kids at his place, they sleep in one bedroom, I sleep in the bed in the main bedroom and SO sleeps on the couch (per his and their mother's wishes, which is more than fine by me).

Here's the thing...he doesn't really like when I kiss him on the cheek, hold his hand or am affectionate towards him when we're with the kids. I can understand this to a point, but when I stand there and watch while he's cuddling and kissing the kids, and he won't even hold my hand while we're around them, I feel sort of left out. Am I being unreasonable? All I want is to be able to hug him from time to time for the 1 or 2 nights that we have the kids.

Thanks for listening...it felt SO good to get that out!!!

I can see why it bothers you. Have you talked to him about it??

 

[Jennasis]

When my Dsis started dating a man with a 4 year old (she was his first post divorce GF) they held off on ANY PDA in front of teh kid for a very long time. She was just "daddy's friend Sally" for many months. This was both of their idea. The kid eventually asked my sister (whom he adored) if she would stay over for the night with him and his dad. Sister said she couldn't since there wasn't a spare bedroom. Kiddo looks her right in the eye and says "uh DUH...you sleep with daddy"!

Sis is likely getting engaged to said guy this weekend in Paris!

 

[aprilgail2]

Okay, make believe YOU are the kid and it's your Daddy with some woman.... and they start pda'ing in front of YOU?...

I think he's considering how they feel. That's the sign of an awesome father. Keep your PDA private. The kids don't need to see it.

Totally agree!!

 

[DisneyJules]

I completely understand how you're feeling, I'm sure I would feel the same way too. I do also understand where your boyfriend is coming from. Having been a child of divorce, I always found I got super uncomfortable when my mom and her boyfriend at the time (now stepdad) would show each other affection. This lessened over time and now that it's been YEARS, it's obviously not a problem,hehe But when I was quite young, I know it did make me uncomfortable.

 

[cheermom1]

here is my opinion - I am a stepmom have been for 6 years...


if you are living with him and he fine with that and there is no order that he can't then I see nothing wrong with him giving you some attention...


I think he can't have it both ways if you are living there then he should give you attention b/c he can't say i'm ok with it till the kids come it's all or nothing including you two sleeping in the same bed together..

now if you are not living there and he doesn't feel right about you sleeping in the same bed then I understand that as well as the lack of attention...

either way you need to talk to him about it and see where he stands and go from there...good luck...

 

[starrzone]

He may be waiting until they are completely comfortable with you and your role in their lives. It must be difficult for the kids to understand. I don't think he's being unreasonable.

How long have they been divorced? If it's been a while, I might change my answer.

He and ex have been separated for about 2 years now. It was amicable and they get along remarkably well when it comes to the kids...I was quite surprised! I know that they have mentioned "Mom's friend Dave", so maybe they refer to me as "Dad's friend", and that's fine. I think I just need to relax and let things happen.

Have you talked with him? He may be the kind that doesn't like pda's ever, or this may be something he just isn't comfortable with yet in front of his kids. I think not even holding your hand is a little much, but like I said, I would talk to him and see what his reasoning is.



Then come back and tell us so we can tell you whether he's nuts or not.

He said before our first date that he's not into PDA's, so maybe that's it. I'm thinking more of when we're at home, though- like out playing in the yard with the kids. You know, just holding hands briefly while we watch them. I don't think he'd want to do even that. I DO need to have a talk with him, definitely. I'll come back with an update

I think that if he is going to present you to his children as someone he is in a relationship with, then he should be willing to show some affectionate behavior around his children. Otherwise, he isn't being fair to you. Actually, I don't think that he's doing his kids a favor either, since he isn't showing his children how to show affection in a relationship.

Bottom line, you should ask him what's up and then act accordingly based on his answer.

I think this is the key! I just need to talk to the guy. Thanks for the reality check!

Here are my thoughts/questions and I am a stepmother.

1) Are you living together? If not, there is no reason for you to spend the night when they are there.

2) How long have they been divorced? Are you the first SO he has brought around the kids? Maybe he is trying to take it slow with them.

3) How is the ex? Is she giving him crap about you being around the kids? If she is, I'm not saying its right but maybe he doesn't want to have to listen to it.

There are lots of reasons why he would be taking it slow with you around the kids. Maybe he doesn't like PDA in front of them. Maybe the kids are having a hard time. There could be a lot of reasons. Bottom line is that these kids are in his life forever, you might not be. Sorry but that's the fact.

Bottom line, no one can tell you what his reasons are but him. Sit down, when the kids aren't around, and have a heart to heart.

1) We're not living together. And it's more about us bringing the kids to his place for a "special sleepover"; they're quite a lot for one person to handle, especially someone who hasn't really been around them much for the past couple years. I'd want help too!

2) They've been formally separated for about 2 years. I think I am the first SO he's introduced to his kids. I know that their Mom has had at least 1 SO herself...I know it's NONE of my business, but I'd love to know how she's handled it with them!

3) She is extremely cooperative with me being around the kids; we can get them basically whenever we want. I think she likes having a break!

If he's not sure how the children will accept you as his "girlfriend" and is avoiding the whole "your Mother is still your Mother but this is my girlfriend" issue--it's time for you to talk thru this as a couple. If the children resent you or see you as reason Daddy and Mommy are no longer together--Dad needs to have a calm, loving talk with them.

Children need to see normal, loving relationships between adults. I'm not talking over-the-top PDA's--just the occasional hug, peck on the cheek or hand holding.

Now...warning this is ugly: IF your SO has introduced you into his children's lives before he's sure of your relationship--shame on him! His children shouldn't be exposed to every lady that he dates. Children can form some pretty quick strong bonds and if a breakup occurs it can be like another divorce.

I wish you the best in sorting out what's best for all concerned.

Thanks for your kind words I'm pretty sure that the kids aren't resentful of me; he's told me that the kids love me, which I thought was neat. I really hope he's sure of our relationship...maybe that's something I need to bring up during the talk. I know I'm sure, but you never know...

Are you his first post divorce girlfriend? Maybe that's why he is treading so lightly.
But really it's overkill on his part. If you are "sleeping over" the kids get that you are in his life. Kids are smarter than you think.

Why can't you be affectionate to him? what's his fear? Talk to him about it and find out WHY. Maybe there is a valid reason that we can't come up with.

On him being affectionate with his kids- um I wouldn't compare that to what you two have. It's just going to backfire on you. Keep the focus on YOU two.

I'm his first long-term post-split SO. His son asked the other week, "Do you sleep over at Daddy's when we're not there?". The kids DO sense something, I'm sure. But I FULLY understand that his kids come first to him. For now, I think "us" means just him and me, and I will concentrate on that. The rest will some with time, I'm sure.

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your SO too - you need to get things worked out so you are both on the same page with what message you are sending to the kids.

If he doesn't want them to know you are his girl friend, then I think he's wrong - you ARE his SO, you ARE in the kids lives, and he needs to be honest with them about that or he's teaching them its okay to lie about relationships to those you love. He thought enough of your relationship to let you into the kids' lives, now he needs to be honest about it to them.

If they do know you are his girlfriend, but he doesn't want to show you even the simplest affection in front of them, he's wrong there too, imo - kids need to see healthy loving relationships, and chances are if they have just watched their parents divorce, they've seen more than they needed to of unhealthy relationships.

He might be worried the kids would be jealous - and I bet they might be, a small bit (my step-DD would squeeze between me and her dad whenever we held hands, for the first few months or so of our relationship, even though she and I were best buddies right from the start) - but so long as he behaves towards them as he always has done, I think this will pass fairly quickly, if they like you already.

So definitely speak to him about it, and see what he has to say - but also try to get him to see that he needs model for his kids the kind of relationship, and the kind of honesty, he wants them to grow up knowing.

You are all so smart! I have a problem sometimes with seeing the obvious.

Okay, make believe YOU are the kid and it's your Daddy with some woman.... and they start pda'ing in front of YOU?...

I think he's considering how they feel. That's the sign of an awesome father. Keep your PDA private. The kids don't need to see it.

I don't mean PDA; he hates that! I just mean a quick hand holding, or maybe an arm around his shoulder when we're sitting on the deck watching the kids play. If that's considered PDA, then I can understand why he doesn't want to do it.

I guess I don't blame him for protecting his kids, there could be many reasons why he is doing this.

I would just give him some time, talk it over with him and see if you are on the same page.

I am sure you are having a small warning bell go off in your head.

That is normal too. You may find that you do not want to compete with SO's kids. I don't think there is anything wrong with being honest with yourself.

Thank you SO much for saying this. I am a teeny bit jealous of the kids sometimes; however, I know they miss their dad and I see a lot more of him than they do, to be honest. I should just let them have their time together. There are times when I see that his daughter is totally playing him emotionally (she IS a girl, and she IS 7!), but I stay out of it 100%.

I can see why it bothers you. Have you talked to him about it??

Need to have the talk...I think about 90% of the posters so far have mentioned this!

When my Dsis started dating a man with a 4 year old (she was his first post divorce GF) they held off on ANY PDA in front of teh kid for a very long time. She was just "daddy's friend Sally" for many months. This was both of their idea. The kid eventually asked my sister (whom he adored) if she would stay over for the night with him and his dad. Sister said she couldn't since there wasn't a spare bedroom. Kiddo looks her right in the eye and says "uh DUH...you sleep with daddy"!

Sis is likely getting engaged to said guy this weekend in Paris!

I think this is the approach that SO and his ex are both using. These kids have endured enough, and neither of their parents wants to damage them for life. I think SO and ex are taking this whole thing pretty well...maybe it's ME who's being unreasonable! That's why I asked this question here; to get the cold, hard truth. Thanks, everyone, and keep the comments coming!

 

[CJ's Mommy]

From your original post, I thought that you sound a little jealous of the kids. Now reading your response, I can tell that as you stated you are "a teeny bit jealous".

My advice on that is: Don't try to compete with the kids for his attention. As a pp mentioned, the kids will be in his life forever and sadly you may not. They will always come first. The sooner you get used to that, the better. And quite honestly, you may decide that that is not enough for you from a man...and that is perfectly normal too.

It's only been 6 months. Give it some time if you are really into this guy and believe that the relationship is worth it. And above all else, talk with him as others have mentioned. And when you do, start with "I know how important it is to you that the kids are okay with all of this, and it is to me as well...." and go from there.

Good luck!

 

[cheermom1]

I disagree with the kids should come first ...let me explain..

In a normal family do you put your kids above your dh? no

Do you do what your kids say over your dh? no

Do you do for your kids over your dh? no

My point is that the kid should never get the idea that they run the show...

It should be this way husband and wife should put each other first then the kids..now I'm not saying any way that the kids should be left on the side lines at all. All I'm saying is that you attend to each other first...

Now I know she is the GF but the single parent should not let the kids get the idea that they will trump a new wife or husband. Because if they do get that idea then that is when is usually gets ugly for the step parent.

I have this happen way too many times and I will tell you it always end with the step parent leaving. And the kid get their way and they know it...

I think this should be something the op needs to talk to her bf about ...good luck...

 

[disykat]

I'm trying to find a kind way to say this. I'm still not understanding why you're sleeping over when the kids are there when it sounds like you have your own place. If it were me, I'd be concerned about him needing your help with his kids. I think you might be being used a bit. Until you are a permanent fixure, I think they need to see you as a friend or girl friend (not live in) and also need some time with just their dad.

It seems confusing to me, I wonder if it's confusing to them. Are you being presented as a girl friend or just a friend who stays with him when they are there? While I agree with the mom about you sleeping separately in front of the kids and think it's great you are respecting that, I think your current arrangement is very confusing.