SO and me and his kids...

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

I disagree with the kids should come first ...let me explain..

In a normal family do you put your kids above your dh? no

Do you do what your kids say over your dh? no

Do you do for your kids over your dh? no

My point is that the kid should never get the idea that they run the show...

It should be this way husband and wife should put each other first then the kids..now I'm not saying any way that the kids should be left on the side lines at all. All I'm saying is that you attend to each other first...

Now I know she is the GF but the single parent should not let the kids get the idea that they will trump a new wife or husband. Because if they do get that idea then that is when is usually gets ugly for the step parent.

I have this happen way too many times and I will tell you it always end with the step parent leaving. And the kid get their way and they know it...

I think this should be something the op needs to talk to her bf about ...good luck...

I have to disagree with you here. In this situation the kids are there BEFORE the SO. So they should come first. SOs may come and go but you only have one mom and dad your entire life - that relationship needs to be taken seriously.

Does it mean the kids run the show - NO WAY! It just means as a parent you put those repsonsibilities first.

I have seen the opposite happen too many times to count. Single parent puts aside needs of kids in favor of pleasing new SO.

I guess there is a fine line, adults need to be adults but children need to be taken care of.

OP- like many of the other posters have said talk to SO. He is really the only one who can explain what is going on. As a single mom I am very careful with any sort of PDA (including hand holding) around my DD. But then I haven't met anyone who I want to get serious with yet- so it really is a moot point.

 

[a paper star]

Would you like to hear the side of this from a child of divorced parents? My parents divorced when I was five years old (my father was seeing another woman while he was still married to my mom) not long after the divorce his girlfriend entered the picture she was always over at his house, spending the night and going on vacations with us. I didn't like it one bit. To this day I can't even stand to be around the woman. And my father showed her Public Displays of Affection in front me and her two kids. Anyway all I have to say is give it some time I'm sure he loves you and is just doing what is best for his kids- I wish my father would have taken some lessons to not flaunt his girlfriend around his daughter. But do talk to him and see what the problem is.

 

[bumbershoot]

Since he told you from the beginning that he didn't like PDAs, and if he's never wanted that sort of touch in public even without the kids, I'd just put it down to that. Not my kind of guy, but I'm not you.


My parents brought around casual dates, and I used to visit my dad at a live-in's house, but I don't remember my reaction to that at all. Once they both got serious about the people in their lives, I was fine with it and so was my brother. My mom and her second husband were smoochy, and that was ooky, but then my friends from mom-dad homes thought it was ooky to see their parents smooching too, no difference. My dad and his wife have NEVER been smoochy, but then, they've had 3 kids together, so I know *something* has happened between them. It wasn't gross until the 3rd was born, all three have b'days in the same week in September, and he said "stepmom and I have to find something else to do New Years Eve". EWWWWWWW!

Anyway, that whole kid or spouse and who comes first thing is just mind-boggling to me...whoever has the NEED comes first in that MOMENT, and it will flip flop over and over and over...there's no rule in our relationship about that.

That said, I think that only 3 months into a relationship with littles is too young to have met you, and spending this amount of time before you've even figured out what he means by a PDA is too much. I hope you take a step back, figure out this relationship and if it is truly serious, before you spend much more time, especially overnight, with him. It's weird to have people disappear from your life, and I speak from experience.

 

[NHdisneylover]

2) They've been formally separated for about 2 years. I think I am the first SO he's introduced to his kids. I know that their Mom has had at least 1 SO herself...I know it's NONE of my business, but I'd love to know how she's handled it with them!
3) She is extremely cooperative with me being around the kids; we can get them basically whenever we want. I think she likes having a break!

!

Given that Mom seems so cooperative and both parents get along well in terms of making things work for their children (kudos to them for being PARENTS and not petty by the way) I think you might well be able to ask this. Just make sure you preface it with knowing it is none of your bussiness and being okay with her choosing not to answer and with your reason for wanting to know (to make everything smoother and more consistent for the kids).

That said, I agree with previous PPs that you need to talk to your SO and find out what his issue is before you get worked up. I also agree with the PP who said you should not HAVE to be there to help when the kids spend the night. Dad should absolutely be able to handle is own children overnight without help. He should want to do so some of the time so he can focus on them (just like he wants time alone with you). Honestly, I would probably let him know you do not want to take away from his time with his children even while you want to get to know them better and suggest staying over only every other time they come or something along those lines (this will also give the kids time to talk to dad about how they feel about you without worrying about you overhearing or getting your feelings hurt, etc.).
I also think (as PPs said) it sounds like you are becomming far too entrenched with the kids (it sounds like any time they see Dad they see you too) for being so new in the relationship. This is not your fault at all--Dad made that call. But, proceed carefully from this point and remember that the effects of the relationship go well beyond just you and your SO (and if that is too much for you that is okay--but if it is you need to figure that out and get out before you become too important to the kids--another reason to suggeset to SO that you spend less time with the kids now, so you'll have time to see if your relationship is really worth all that to you before you involve them more than necessary).
Good luck OP.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Anyway, that whole kid or spouse and who comes first thing is just mind-boggling to me...whoever has the NEED comes first in that MOMENT, and it will flip flop over and over and over...there's no rule in our relationship about that.
.

Well put

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm trying to find a kind way to say this. I'm still not understanding why you're sleeping over when the kids are there when it sounds like you have your own place. If it were me, I'd be concerned about him needing your help with his kids. I think you might be being used a bit. Until you are a permanent fixure, I think they need to see you as a friend or girl friend (not live in) and also need some time with just their dad.

It seems confusing to me, I wonder if it's confusing to them. Are you being presented as a girl friend or just a friend who stays with him when they are there? While I agree with the mom about you sleeping separately in front of the kids and think it's great you are respecting that, I think your current arrangement is very confusing.

Yes, if dad has to take the couch in his own house, that is on the bizzare side. So I agree with you there.

OP, maybe you should be going home instead?