So a happy birthday post on Facebook......after death

[tvguy]

I understand some want to keep a loved one's Facebook page up as a memorial to their life, but what about when you see Happy birthday posts on the departed's page that make it clear that the poster has no idea they are deceased? Things like "Let's do lunch"........"I'll call you next time I'm in town" or "here's to many more Happy birthdays" etc.

I think it would be tacky to post a note or the departed's obit on their Facebook. But should I message the person who put up the post?
This has happened on 3 different pages in the past couple of months, and in all 3 cases, if you scroll down a page, there is a post from the family saying the person had passed away.

 

[cabanafrau]

I know 5 families right now who are facing Facebook dilemmas in the midst of tragedies who are wrestling with what to do/unable to face doing anything/on the horns of a dilemma with Facebook policies. Three sudden, completely unexpected deaths and two sudden, completely unexpected permanent incapacitations and Facebook and/or social media have become an extra hurdle of grief to make it through.

To me it seems best to be direct and somehow convert the page to a memorial, although it's very easy to say when I'm not the one completely flattened by the loss.

 

[Mizzoufan]

If I had lost a loved one and saw someone posted Happy Birthday to that person. I wouldn't be upset.

 

[bsblady01]

it's keeping their memories alive. I see no harm in people doing this. I have a friend that lost her daughter a few years ago and she still takes a birthday cake to her grave every year.

 

[SirDuff]

it's keeping their memories alive. I see no harm in people doing this. I have a friend that lost her daughter a few years ago and she still takes a birthday cake to her grave every year.

Yes, but it is clear in the examples that the people posting are not doing to keep memories alive - they don't know that the person is dead. Totally different situation.

OP - if you know the person posting, I might consider sending them a message.

 

[Mizzoufan]

Unless you are the family of the deceased I'd wouldn't say anything.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

It must be one of the people with over 1,000 friends they've never met.

 

[cabanafrau]

It must be one of the people with over 1,000 friends they've never met.

While I'm not the biggest fan of social media and a lot of what I consider the nonsense it brings with it, I'd hardly classify someone who's sending birthday wishes and proposing meeting for lunch the next time they're in town qualifies as being one of a 1,000 friends they've never met.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

While I'm not the biggest fan of social media and a lot of what I consider the nonsense it brings with it, I'd hardly classify someone who's sending birthday wishes and proposing meeting for lunch the next time they're in town qualifies as being one of a 1,000 friends they've never met.

They're wishing happy birthday to a dead person. How close could they possibly be?

 

[tvguy]

Just went back to the FB page and someone else seems to have had the same concerns I had, and found a very classy way to make it know to others that he was gone and honor his memory..

"Happy Birthday Gary, even though you're no longer here so many think of you still."

He was a business owner in a town of just over 2,000 people, so I am still surprised that some people from that town posted and appear not to know he passed away 2 years ago.

 

[Dawnlight]

I've seen this, too, and it makes me so sad. I was FB friends with someone I went to HS with; he passed away a few years ago from cancer. There wasn't much posted on his page about his illness, but there were a few posts here and there preceding his passing. His birthday following his death showed many people posting birthday wishes, obviously just seeing the alert on their FB and not having heard the sad news, and one of his more outspoken friends pointed out that he was no longer with us.

I think a personal message saying he's passed would be in order if you know the person, otherwise just let it be. I do like the response wishing a happy b-day and that he's being thought of even though he's no longer of this earth.

 

[cabanafrau]

They're wishing happy birthday to a dead person. How close could they possibly be?

I have friends from back in school days and former jobs who are now spread across the country with whom I exchange calls, emails, Christmas cards, etc. from time to time. Some I haven't seen in 20 years, yet still keep in touch. Some I see every several years if they come into town or I'm in their neck of the woods. I can see if I were a Facebook person and Facebook reminded me it's Joe's birthday that I might send Joe a birthday wish and be completely unaware Joe had a massive heart attack and passed four months ago. We may not have been BFF's, but it doesn't mean we weren't "close" either.

I guarantee there are people who were indeed friends of the people I mentioned in my post up above that are at this point unaware that their friend in question 1) had a massive heart attack and passed last month, 2) had a significant stroke last month and is permanently incapacitated, 3) attempted suicide and is permanently incapacitated, 4) successfully committed suicide last month, 5) had a massive heart attack and passed away a week and a half ago.

For varying reasons the families involved are having dilemmas about how to handle things like Facebook. It's really opened my eyes how hard the decisions can be, and how tricky also.

 

[TAX GUY]

Someone should suggest FB add a new status. Since they already have "single", "married", etc.... why not add "deceased".

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I have one such friend. He actually took over his deceased son's page rather than start his own. The son's been gone so long I didn't even know this friend had a son before I got the FB request (to complicate matters, the son's middle name is the same as the father's first name). I often see happy birthday wishes directed to the page. I wonder how many realize the date is the deceased son's birthday, not the birthday of the father who keeps the page up.

 

[KristiMc]

My mom passed away in 2009. She had a FB page that she hardly ever used. On her birthday the following year, I got the notification - which was sad. I contacted FB to have them delete the page - giving them my name, and details about her but they would only delete the page if I sent them a death certificate - which I was not going to do. So her page is still out there. They should make it easier for family of the deceased.

 

[wilkeliza]

Now you can set a person who can turn your page into a memorial page. I think since some facebook pages have sensitive information (some people upload CC etc for gaming) that is why they make it hard. Still should be easier to do. It took one of my friend's sister a while to get his page turned into an in memorial page.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

This has happened in our family. My Uncle's facebook page is still up and active. His kids like it being up there. the first year many people posted happy birthday, see you soon type of posts. They didn't know he had passed away. I don't post there any more but on his birthday still get the notification and it's been 5 years.

 

[scoutie]

I did this. My students had a pen pal exchange one year, and I became friends with the teacher in France who my kids corresponded with. We were friendly, and sent each other messages periodically about education and about a few personal situations that we had in common. I knew she had cancer, but her treatment was going well. I didn't know she had died, and the messages on her page were on French (which I don't speak). I wished her a happy birthday and hoped that she was doing well. Her sister privately to explain that she had died. I was mortified, but her sister was very sweet.

 

[MickeySP]

I understand some want to keep a loved one's Facebook page up as a memorial to their life, but what about when you see Happy birthday posts on the departed's page that make it clear that the poster has no idea they are deceased? Things like "Let's do lunch"........"I'll call you next time I'm in town" or "here's to many more Happy birthdays" etc.

I think it would be tacky to post a note or the departed's obit on their Facebook. But should I message the person who put up the post?
This has happened on 3 different pages in the past couple of months, and in all 3 cases, if you scroll down a page, there is a post from the family saying the person had passed away.

First the "rule" I think it would depend on how close I was to the deceased. I would however message not post - Hey you know there dead?

I have one such friend. He actually took over his deceased son's page rather than start his own. The son's been gone so long I didn't even know this friend had a son before I got the FB request (to complicate matters, the son's middle name is the same as the father's first name). I often see happy birthday wishes directed to the page. I wonder how many realize the date is the deceased son's birthday, not the birthday of the father who keeps the page up.

So the status would be "It's complicated"

 

[BostonJP]

I would probably only send a message if it was somebody I know. I knew a girl who died only a few weeks prior to her birthday. On her birthday there were several public posts on her Facebook page like "Hey girl you're looking good, hit me up some time". I was very tempted to message the people but, like it was said above, those people couldn't possibly have been too close. Social media makes that sort of news travel much faster.