Small Rant About My Mom

[honeywolf7]

The weekend before January 26th which is my daughter's birthday we were supposed to have a birthday party for my daughter at my mom's house (just a family thing.) It go cancelled because of weather (which I can understand.) We rescheduled for last weekend and my dad said he was too sick because he had a cold so Thom's parents ended up asking the kids to spend the weekend with them as a treat so Jessica wouldn't be so disappointed. Mom asked me on Monday if we could reschedule again for next weekend (Valentines weekend) and I said yes....She said she was going to buy Jessica a cake and have her presents for her and everything. Well, this morning she said that she and my dad have decided to leave on Monday to look at a motor home in New Mexico. I am so tired of my mom cancelling on Jessica because of my dad. I don't even really care if he's there, but it's totally unfair that my mom keeps going along with him and disappointing Jessica. Today, I said "Fine....but you know what....I expect you to still buy a cake. It's the least that you can do." She kind of went back and forth about "Well, how am I going to do that when I'm leaving on Monday and you have stuff to do this weekend?" I finally just said "I'll buy the cake but I expect you to pay me back." (I've already had my own small party for Jessica and I bought the cake for that one.) I'm so tempted to go to the store and buy the most expensive cake they have (I won't do it but I'm furious with my mom even though I told her I wasn't mad at her just worried about disappointing Jessica....three times of disappointing Jessica is enough to make me furious.) I think that one of the reason that it bugs me the most is that when I was young and she made promises to me, they'd often get broken because of my dad and she talks about wanting to fix some of the mistakes she made with me with my kids.....well, breaking promises to them isn't exactly the best way to do that. Okay, my rant is over.

 

[tlgoblue]

Sorry you are feeling bad about things between you and your mom. Here's a Hope you feel better soon.

Keep the Faith!
Tracy

 

[Disney Debbie]

I don't understand why you're buying another cake if you've already given her one. I thought it was to have a celebration with your mom - but if she's not there, I don't understand. Am I missing something? Sounds like it's more to punish your mom then anything - and I don't think that would be good for your DD.

Sorry your daughter's going to be disappointed. Just make sure you're not projecting YOUR dissapointment on her. She might not be nearly as upset about this as you are. My DD has two sets of grandparents that both love her - but one set is much more active in her life then the other. She understands and accepts this. I used to get in a major wad about the one set not participating in things I thought they should. Then I realized I was the ONLY one who was getting upset about it - that DD knew how they were and accepted long before I did!

If your parents have always done this - then you need to learn to accept that. There is no changing them now - you can only change your reaction to them. Another thing I did with the set of grandparents I was unhappy with was learn to make my family's plans - and if they could come, fine - if not - that was fine too. I didn't jump through hoops to make things work out to their convenience instead of my family's.

 

[honeywolf7]

The reason I'm buying another cake is that Jessica was expecting another cake for her "party" and since my mom isn't going to keep her promise, I'm going to invite her other grandparents to the party. I'm not going to totally cancel it. The party was originally just going to be my parents and me and Jessica and Bobby (the two grandfathers don't get along very well since my father is very traditional and kind of cold and Thom's dad is very affectionate, warm, and "anything goes.")

 

[AZKathy]

I don't know the diversity of your family. You have already done one party. Why not expain to your DD what happened: grandma had to go out of town and leave it at that. Do something special with you and DD on your own like going somewhere together. I don't know how old she is, but she probably would have a better time at Chuckie Cheese or a place like that anyway.

Making your mom buy a cake or paying for an expensive cake won't help the situation. If your mom cannot follow through with her commitments, so be it. Don't lower yourself by buying a real expensive cake to pay back.

 

[honeywolf7]

The expensive cake thing was a joke (I'm going to make her pay me back for the cake, but I'll just get one big enough for the other grandparents, Jessi, Bobby, and me.) If I went to Chuck E Cheese, I'd have her pay me back for that (because at the moment I don't have enough money for a bunch of luxuries...I'm on a tight budget.) She didn't even apologize which really ticked me off....she just made excuses ("They're expecting us and this would be the third week in the row that we've had to cancel." Um, who cares? They're trying to sell you something so they can suck it up or sell to someone else...On the other hand, this is the third time you've disappointed your granddaughter and she won't get over it so easily at age 7. If my mom doesn't watch out, the granddaughter that she claims to love so much will get to the point where she doesn't even care if she sees grandma or where she certainly doesn't expect her grandmother to follow through on anything.)

 

[Disney Debbie]

Still sounds like your punishing your mom to me. If you want to do ANOTHER party and invite the other grandparents as a treat for your DD- that's great. But it sounds like you wouldn't have done anything with them if your folks could be there -and it's more of a "revenge" party to make your mom pay for a cake!

My point is - I understand being upset with your mom - but it seems to me you're dragging your DD into this because of YOUR unresolved problems with your parents. It would be best for your DD if you dropped this now. She's already had a party so it's not like her birthday was ignored. And 7 year old's are much more capable of getting over things when their mother's don't have a coniption about it and make a big deal out of it to them.

 

[honeywolf7]

Disney Debbie, what I'm trying to do is make sure that my daughter is disappointed as little as possible (if she has a party with her other set of grandparents, she may not mind not seeing my mom quite as much....unfortunately, another cake wasn't in my budget for this week.)

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>I happen to agree with Daisy Debbie. You cannot change your parents' actions, but you can change how you react to them, which is really healthier for your daughter. If they are constantly breaking promises, then maybe it would be better not to expect much from them, especially promises.

I really believe you'll be more at peace if you do that. You may not realize this, but somehow your resentment of your parents will adversely affect your daughter.

Good luck.

 

[honeywolf7]

Mary Jo, considering how their breaking promises affected me (I tend to not trust anyone to keep their promises to me) I thought about telling my mom that if she went on this trip instead of keeping her promise, she could forget about being involved in any of the major events in my daughter's life (birthdays, Christmas, etc.) but I felt that that was an overreaction so I didn't say that. I tried to look for a way that I could get her to realize that she needed to make things up to my daughter in some way (that I wasn't going to let her get away with breaking promises to my kids the way she did with me) and at the same time lessen my daughter's disappointment (she cried the second time the promise was broken and I didn't react badly to that time at all.) I won't tell Jessi that I made her grandma buy her a cake...I'll just tell her that Grandme had to go out of town, but she did buy her a cake and she'll give her her presents when she gets back.

 

[KathyTX]

It sounds like your mom is pretty flighty- that she makes promises easily and breaks them just as easily. This is just the way she is, and you're not going to change it.

If you give her ultimatums like "if you break this promise you'll never see your granddaughter again", you're just injecting a huge amount of drama and anger into something that you can't control.

Why don't you use this to teach your kids something about human nature? That there are some people who they can always count on (sounds like their other grandparents), and some people you can just love and enjoy when they're around, but that you don't want to rely on.

And it sounds like *you* can learn not to make plans with your parents. If they show up- fine. If they don't- why are you surprised?

 

[honeywolf7]

Kathy, that's why I didn't give her the ultimatum...It was juts the first thng that popped into my head when I was mad but i didn't say it. Beliee me, from now on I won't expect them to actually do anything that they say they're going to do. I just don't want my kids to have to learn not to trust their garndparents at 7 and 4. As for why I'm surprised, this is the first time that my mom has pulled this kind of thing with my kids.

 

[MeanLaureen]

Becky, you are totally off the mark here. I agree that it sounds like you are turning your anger or hostility towards your mother into an issue between your DD and her grandmother.

First - if you know that your mother has a history or breaking promises.. why tell Jessica so far in advance that grandma is going to have a party for her? Especially right after she first broke the date? Let it be a surprise to her when you guys actually have a chance to get together.

Second - In my opinion - take it for what you want - demanding a cake for your daughter after her already having one is teaching your daughter entitlement. If you continue on this path she is going to get a rude awakening when she gets older because life isn't fair and you don't always get what's promised to you.

Third - it's an absolute BEAUTIFUL day today in Richmond. It's sunny - the skies are cloudless and a beautiful blue and it's warming up - already 47 - Take her to Maymont park - pack a picnic lunch - go see the animals - it's all free and she would probably love the time spent with you more than a cake. If you don't want to go to Maymont - spare a couple of dollars - take her to the Dollar Tree and let her pick out a couple of toys. $3 worth of toys from a dollar store are like a treasure to kids that age and it's not a lot of money spent - just the cost of one latte at Starbucks.

I really doubt that Jessica is as upset or disappointed as you think she is.. she's feeding off of your attitude. If you get rid of your resentment right now everything will be fine.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I agree with Debbie and Laureen.

Spend the day doing something fun with your son and daughter.
Take the focus off of your mother and what she said she would do.

In the future make your own plans, tell everyone the date and time. If they show up fine, if not fine. Also, if you feel your mother will not keep her word, don't tell the kids what she plans to do. If she keeps her word, they'll have an unexpected surprise. If she goes back on her word the kids will never know, unless you tell them.

 

[Jeafl]

I tend to agree with Debbie, Lauri and disneyjunkie.

I have a daughter that just turned 8, and at this age the thing she loves most is one-on-one time with me. From what I've read on your previous posts, you seem like a busy person with your job, schooling and new romance. I'm SURE you're not spending as much time with your kids as you would like, so why not just make it a special day for the girls?

Also, I'm not picking on you, but why would your mother be responsible for your daughter's cake anyway? I always buy my kids' cakes, and if I couldn't afford one, I would get a cake mix for 79 cents at the store and make one. I doubt your daughter would care if it was made or bought at this age, and it might even be a fun project if you let her help you decorate it.

Just a thought...

 

[MeanLaureen]

Jill - excellent idea about buying cake mix and making the cake together.

Homemade cakes are 100% better than the biggest fanciest store bought one.

And the time you spend together is what is the best part.

Becky - I forgot. Do the kids live with you or Thom?

 

[honeywolf7]

Lauri, she's with her father today (he's had them since Thursday afternoon.) This was supposed to be next weekend. Also, I wasn't the one who told her...my mom was (yet I'm the one who has to disappoint her.)
As far as the cake, the reason my mom's responsible is that she's the one who decided to have the party and she's the one who said she'd buy the cake. She asked me in the first place if she and my dad could have a little party for Jessica and then kept cancelling it. Next year, if she asks, I'll say that I'm going to have my own party for Jessi and she's invited but she can't have her own party for her.
The kids live with me now, but every other weekend Thom has them (and some weekends his parents have them.)

 

[Toby'sFriend]

As far as the cake, the reason my mom's responsible is that she's the one who decided to have the party and she's the one who said she'd buy the cake.

I think what people are trying to say HW, is that the issue really isn't the cake. Most of us know kids that age pretty well, and they'll eat a cake when presented with one, but it just doesn't mean that much to them.

What is really important to kids is knowing that they have a family support system who thinks they are important. Sure, your Mom has disappointed your daughter with the cancellation, but providing the support system is still your primary responsibility as the Mother.

Your Mom has given you over a weeks notice. Use the time to plan something special for your Daughter's Valentine weekend. Let's face it - her birthday is way past and throwing a birthday party will seem kind of flat.

Take the kids out somewhere next weekend and enjoy the time together. Plan a special dinner for the three of you Saturday night. They grow up so fast, enjoy the time together and let your Mom worry about herself.

 

[mad4themouse]

HW, I think there's more to this than the cost of a birthday cake. You and your mother have some unresolved issues and now your children are being pulled into the forefront of those issues.

For the sake of your children, you need to put your feelings aside. Step back and look at the big picture. Where do you want the relationship between yourself, your parents and your children to go? Are your words and actions going to put you on the road to that relationship and are you setting up a roadblock?

Take a look at what you've written.

• "I'm so tempted to go to the store and buy the most expensive cake they have."
• "I thought about telling my mom that if she went on this trip instead of keeping her promise, she could forget about being involved in any of the major events in my daughter's life (birthdays, Christmas, etc.)"
• "Next year, if she asks, I'll say that I'm going to have my own party for Jessi and she's invited but she can't have her own party for her."

To your credit, you haven't acted on any of these thoughts yet. However, they indicate that you are more concerned with "revenge" than you are in "remedy". Try to refocus your thoughts on actions that will make things better rather than on those which will only serve to drive a wedge between everyone.

As far as next weekend is concerned, plan something fun and inexpensive. Make Valentines, bake a cake or cookies. Host a stuffed animal "tea party". Take lots of picture and put thoughts of your own disappointment behind you. But let your mother make up the cancelled birthday party to Jessi. You cannot change your mother, you can only change the way you react to her.

 

[Disney Debbie]

It's our job as parents to teach our children how to deal with disappointment - not to prevent them from ever experiencing it.

And they learn most of that lesson by seeing how their parents deal with it.