Small MIL vent

[1stluvispooh]

Before I say anything you should know a few things:
1) Yes I know I have a good MIL and yes I do love her. In fact I get along with her better than I do my own mother
2) DH is 1 of 5
3) DH and I are the only ones who are not high school sweethearts. This means I am not from around his hometown unlike all of the other in-laws.
4) Yes DH knows this drives me crazy and I make him be the one that tell his mom yes or no.

There is one thing that my MIL does that drives me absolutely crazy! When she plans a holiday or get together everyone must be able to come and be there at the same time. If you are not at her house at least a half an hour before she said to be there she will call you. Now it's not like we never see each other. Here is just a particle list of times we must be there for: Easter, 4th of July, Oct they have a hayride for the family, Thanksgiving and of course Christmas.

Yesterday we got an e-mail from her. For several years she has been wanting to take the whole family to a lodge that is 4 hours away for us. I realize that this is a very generous offer but whenever we try to get together it's worse than the episode of MASH when BJ is trying to plan a reunion while they are still in Korea.. On top of that my BIL's wife feels that if she goes out of town with his family then they have to go out of town with her family and well her family isn't like that. So the e-mail said that she has on hold a reservation for 2 cottages at the lodge for Thanksgiving. We need to tell her if we all can make it before noon today. Well I know that her dates aren't going to work for 1 SIL because she always works the Friday after Thanksgiving and as I said BIL's wife wont want to go because of her family. So this afternoon we get a e-mail from MIL saying well I hope your flexible because I can get a bigger cottage that we all can fit in (22 people) on a December date. Let me know if you can.

I just want to scream. Make up your mind lady and stick with a date!!! She just can't deal with the fact that not everyone will be able to come so she will change it until it works. Don't know why it frustrates me but it does.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't really understand what you are upset about. She wants to take her whole family away. She is trying to find a date that works for everyone. I am not getting why you are annoyed.

 

[Mkrop]

I don't really understand what you are upset about. She wants to take her whole family away. She is trying to find a date that works for everyone. I am not getting why you are annoyed.

I dont get it either. I think it is sweet that she wants a date that works for everyone, hard to do but very nice. I think she should send out mutiple dates instead of just trying one at a time.

 

[buckler]

I think it's that MIL is not taking into consideration not everyone can always make it. Also her children's spouses might want to spend some of these holidays with their parents and siblings too. These are command performances and she expects 100% attendance. My MIL was like that. We had to tell her that she could only have us every other Thanksgiving for example.

 

[C.Ann]

I don't really understand what you are upset about. She wants to take her whole family away. She is trying to find a date that works for everyone. I am not getting why you are annoyed.

I don't get it either.. That's a very generous offer! She loves her family and is trying to work around everyones schedule..

 

[LilyWDW]

I think it's that MIL is not taking into consideration not everyone can always make it. Also her children's spouses might want to spend some of these holidays with their parents and siblings too. These are command performances and she expects 100% attendance. My MIL was like that. We had to tell her that she could only have us every other Thanksgiving for example.

This.

It's not that the OP is upset because the MIL wants to do this for the family... it's that the MIL expects EVERYONE to be there no matter what. As buckler said, she expects 100% attendance. Nothing can happen if even one person is unable to be there. Thus, it gets annoying because nothing can be planned easily.

I get it... I really do.

 

[Tinijocaro]

DH and I were just saying how uch we would love it if one of our parents would plan a trip for all of us. Let her keep changing the dat-it really doesn't affect you. Gosh, she's doing all the legwork, I presume paying for the cottage...not much to be upset about in my book!

Before I say anything you should know a few things:
1) Yes I know I have a good MIL and yes I do love her. In fact I get along with her better than I do my own mother
2) DH is 1 of 5
3) DH and I are the only ones who are not high school sweethearts. This means I am not from around his hometown unlike all of the other in-laws.
4) Yes DH knows this drives me crazy and I make him be the one that tell his mom yes or no.

There is one thing that my MIL does that drives me absolutely crazy! When she plans a holiday or get together everyone must be able to come and be there at the same time. If you are not at her house at least a half an hour before she said to be there she will call you. Now it's not like we never see each other. Here is just a particle list of times we must be there for: Easter, 4th of July, Oct they have a hayride for the family, Thanksgiving and of course Christmas.

Yesterday we got an e-mail from her. For several years she has been wanting to take the whole family to a lodge that is 4 hours away for us. I realize that this is a very generous offer but whenever we try to get together it's worse than the episode of MASH when BJ is trying to plan a reunion while they are still in Korea.. On top of that my BIL's wife feels that if she goes out of town with his family then they have to go out of town with her family and well her family isn't like that. So the e-mail said that she has on hold a reservation for 2 cottages at the lodge for Thanksgiving. We need to tell her if we all can make it before noon today. Well I know that her dates aren't going to work for 1 SIL because she always works the Friday after Thanksgiving and as I said BIL's wife wont want to go because of her family. So this afternoon we get a e-mail from MIL saying well I hope your flexible because I can get a bigger cottage that we all can fit in (22 people) on a December date. Let me know if you can.

I just want to scream. Make up your mind lady and stick with a date!!! She just can't deal with the fact that not everyone will be able to come so she will change it until it works. Don't know why it frustrates me but it does.

 

[Tinijocaro]

This.

It's not that the OP is upset because the MIL wants to do this for the family... it's that the MIL expects EVERYONE to be there no matter what. As buckler said, she expects 100% attendance. Nothing can happen if even one person is unable to be there. Thus, it gets annoying because nothing can be planned easily.

I get it... I really do.

OK, I see how this would be frustrating-the 100% attendance thing. We do an every other year thing for Christmas and Thanksgiving and they all just have o accept it. I'm not going to kill myself trying to be everywhere with my family on the big holidays.

 

[scrapbookworm]

Venting doesn't mean that the OP isn't appreciative. It's like going to WDW. The trip itself is wonderful, but trying to get there (a long drive, flight problems, etc) can be aggravating.

I understand that it would be frustrating when dealing with the schedules of multiple families. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to do only what she wants every holiday, including the date and time. I'm wondering does she get her feelings hurt when someone wants to do something different? Does she host every holiday? Do the families ever get to spend holidays with their spouse's families?

She sounds like a wonderful, caring woman...just a little misguided about the practicality of such things.

 

[PelletierBears]

The rode to hell is paved with good intentions!

OP I know what you mean. As generous as your MIL is being and as much as you may enjoy yourselves once there, all the drama and pressure of making it happen can and will be frustrating. Families...gotta love em!

 

[MouseLovinMom]

I think I get what the OP is feeling. My sister has a similar situation with her in laws. They are kind, lovely, generous people BUT they are very demanding when it comes to the holidays and family events that they consider to be command performances. It can be very stressful for the adult children when they are trying to balance two (or more) sets of parents and their own family plans. When there's so much pressure to attend, perhaps a little resentment because of the pressure, and guilty feelings about not spending time with the "other" parents, etc. it can really make what was supposed to be a great family time alot less enjoyable. Sometimes you just can't fit a square peg into a round hole.

 

[golfgal]

This.

It's not that the OP is upset because the MIL wants to do this for the family... it's that the MIL expects EVERYONE to be there no matter what. As buckler said, she expects 100% attendance. Nothing can happen if even one person is unable to be there. Thus, it gets annoying because nothing can be planned easily.

I get it... I really do.

I get it too. When the kids were little we were expected to be at EVERYTHING on my side-and we lived 3-4 hours away from everyone else. No one would come to our place because it was "too far" to drive-because it was shorter going from our house to their house. We finally started getting together on DH's side the Saturday before Christmas so all of the grandkids could have Christmas morning at their own house. It works great and we still do that. We tried to do something similar on my side and the answer was "we celebrate Christmas ON Christmas". Our answer, have fun without us because we are staying home. That was the start of eventually cutting ties with my mom because of her unreasonable demands and many other reasons.

 

[Jennasis]

I feel your pain. In the grand scheme, it isn't the end of the world, but when dealing with it, it's as frustrating as all get out.

 

[MushyMushy]

I get it. She's not complaining about actually going, but it seems like the MIL can be very demanding of everybody's time. If she didn't expect EVERYBODY in attendance at every single major holiday, then this probably wouldn't be so frustrating.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I don't get it.

The MIL isn't saying this is the date and I'm sticking with it no matter what. Instead she said let's try date XYZ. OK date number one doesn't work so let's try this one instead.

She wants the family to vacation together and she's willing to change dates to included everyone. Why is that a bad thing?

 

[clh2]

To the OP - I feel your pain. We have issues with my family too. While I applaud your MIL to try to pull something like this off - I think her big mistake was to put a hold on the facility without trying to figure everyone's schedules in advance.

If she is insistent that all family members be in attendance, she will probably have an easier time if she picks a non-holiday date. What about the weekend before or after Thanksgiving? If some of the family is in retail - maybe even two weeks before might be a good time. I know a family that celebrates T-gving in early November, because, quite frankly, it works for that family.

I have, at times found it easier to "grab the bull by the horns" and blast out an e-mail to my family and "poll" everyone for what their available days would be for a certain function. It just seems to help the planning process.

(FWIW - I am just very particular about my weekends/free time. And, once I've got something booked, I will rarely change the original plans to accomodate family plans.)

 

[Mimi1965]

OP-what your MIL should do is send out a mass email asking which of several weekends would work for everyone

Wanting you all to go away for a Holiday weekend is wrong-esp Thanksgiving-when most couples have to juggle between both of their families.

 

[rigs32]

I get it.

My family tried to plan a trip to FL. The dates chosen worked for everyone but me - I had specific times at work where I could not be on vacation for any reason - I once had to get super special permission to attend a family funeral during that time. I told them to have a great time and I'd miss them. I had at least a dozen, if not more, conversations with my dad and step mom regarding my inability to attend in which I explained my job situation. Talk about wanting to rip my hair out.

I don't know the OP's family situation, but I've had to juggle three sets of relations for holidays. And when people get pouty or demanding it makes me just want to stay home alone for each and every holiday, but doing that just punishes everyone - including me.

 

[wdwfan16]

I dont get it either. I think it is sweet that she wants a date that works for everyone, hard to do but very nice. I think she should send out mutiple dates instead of just trying one at a time.

Another who is confused by as to why you are upset.