Sister issues-WWYD?

[stsomewhere]

Last night during a family bunco event, my sister, Jen, and I got into an arguement.

She overheard me and my other sister, Lisa, talking about my dad(who lives in TX)
Jen does not have a relationship with him and does not want his name mentioned around her and her kids. Apparently, My daughter asked her what my dad got her kids when we were at my grandma's for Christmas. Jen says that I am always bringing him up and she doesn't care what he thinks of her. One of her sons asked if he was dead.

I try really hard not to mention him because I know the reaction I will get from Jen, my mom and stepdad. They all hate him.

My sister, Lisa, apologized there and promised to never bring up his name again.( Lisa does have a good relationship with my dad and he sends her kids stuff for Christmas, too.) I told Jen that I was sorry that she felt bad but I would try not to mention him but, could not promise anything. She started screaming at me. I got so upset that I left. I told them that it was crazy to expect me to act like he did not exist, he was my father.

My aunt called me to make sure I got home ok. She said she understood why I left and supported it. LAter, my cousin's wife called to make sure I was ok.

Should I apologize or let it go? This was the final straw.
When I left my mom and Lisa were comforting Jen. I know that Lisa fells the same way as i do. But, does not want to cause trouble. I decided a few months ago it did not matter to me if i have a relationship with my mom. She has let me down too many times and has made promises she doesn't keep. But, the final straw was when she lies and makes promises to my kids. t
Background: My parents got divoreced hen I was in 2nd gade due mymom having "affairs "with every man on our block. My dad was upset and yelled a lot and hit her. She left us alone I was responsible for watching my sister who are 3 and 5 yrs younger than me. My mom her boyfirnds would leave for hours to get "coffee'-otherwisw drugs. We had no phone and no contact with any family. Sometimes they would take us to get coffee with them- either leaving us in the car or bringin us in the house.

When I was in jr. high, we moved in with my grandparents becasue my mom had got evicted so manytimes. Shehad little or no contact until I got married.
BAsically, she abondoned us. My sister, Jen, decided that she wanted to move in with my dad during high school.

Jen got into all kind of trouble. She wrecked 4 cars that my dad bought her. She was into drugs and all things related. My dad gave her money to bail her out, pay her bills, go to school etc. and she blew it. She got pregant on purpose because she wanted my dad to accept her boyfriend, who was serving time for dealing drugs. Whe he got out of jail, they got married. My dad said he was done with her. Jen feels that she is entitled to things because she has such a hard life. There was a time that she hated me becasue my life is easy. My husband and I work hard for the life we have.

A few years later...
Jen and her husbadn go into a fight. She was sleeping around with other people and proud of it. (something she did before she was married). her husband got upset there was a big fight,where my sister stabbed him.

She called my dad and he came and got her. Bailed her out. She moved to Mi so my mom and stepdad could help her out. It comes out that they have been sending her money for years. My mom does everything she can to make her Jen's life better.

For a few years so she doing really well, my mom was trying to have a relationship with all her dughters and grandkids. still showing favortism to Jen nd her family. Jn meets a man and wants to get married. She has cleaned her life up. No more drugs, etc. Bought herself a house, good job.. Her husband was in jail again for selling drugs.

My mom pays for jen to fly to TX to get a divorce. She sleeps with him, she gets preg. and he moves up here. She has decided too live off wellfare because all of his money goes to child support for his other 3 kids. Plus, the 3 they have together. My sister said that if my dad can not accept her husband than she wants nothing to do with him

 

[cheermom1]

I would have done what you did...you can't change them ....I don't really have anything else to say expect to take care of yourself and your family first ..

 

[DizBelle]

I don't think you need to apologize. She should not expect you to not have a relationship with your dad or pretend he doesn't exist just because she wants you to. If she is there and dad comes up in conversation, she should just leave the room rather than yell at all of you for him being a topic of conversation.

Your kids should not have to tip toe around her because of some beef she has with their grandfather. That is just unreasonable. SHE is the one with the problem. SHE needs to adjust to deal with it. Not try and bend the world to her liking.

Regardless of what your sister, mom, and stepdad think of your dad, they need to respect the relationship you have with him. Except maybe in the case where is is abusive - but I don't see that here.

 

[diznygirl]

I say you are better off without the drama. We can't pick our family, but we can choose whether or not we want to associate with them.

 

[TEENEE]

Your mom and your sister are the ones that have the problem. You don't have anything to apologize for. Your sister wasn't big enough to walk away from a conversation that did not include her. It was good of you to leave so the argument did not escalate.

 

[minkydog]

Pardon me for sounding harsh, but your sister is a user. This thread should go in your next Sociology book, under chapter 4,"Entitlement mentality."

I think you did the right thing. It really doesn't matter what the back story was, if someone is going to insist on screaming at you its probably best you take your leave. I mean, why would you want to stay and be abused?

You're all adults and as such can decide who you want to have relationships with. My father was a mean, arrogant, self-absorbed jerk who never did anything positive for his children in his life. Is it any wonder that most of us turned away from him? My mother can be a piece of work herself, so I limit my time with her so we won't fight. My siblings have different quality relationships with both parents and we just choose not to hash it out. It doesn't matter. I have no more say over what they do with our mother than I would if it were their close friends. Not my call.

OP. you do not need to apologize for anything. If you think your sister Jen can have a calm, rational conversation with you perhaps you can make it short and sweet--let's agree to disagree. You don't bring up your father and she doesn't bring him up either. Stick to superficial topics and if one or the other of you gets uncomfortable, take a short walk.

Some relationships can't be fixed. They are what they are. Your relationship with Jen is like that. You can accept that she is who she is and she can do the same. Or you can take the much more upsetting tack and cut each other out of your lives. I suggest Plan A.

 

[Darsa]

Wow... I am so sorry that you have had to deal with all of this! I'm sorry that I have no real advice for you, just praise for being "the bigger person", and lots of

 

[rie'smom]

YIKES! I don't think I'd worry about a relationship with your mom and sister. Sis is taking pages from your mom's book. They don't and didn't seem to take any of you into account when they had affairs and did drugs. Your mom favors Jen because she sees herself.
Hugs to you.

 

[stsomewhere]

YIKES! I don't think I'd worry about a relationship with your mom and sister. Sis is taking pages from your mom's book. They don't and didn't seem to take any of you into account when they had affairs and did drugs. Your mom favors Jen because she sees herself.
Hugs to you.

This is what I was thinking and feeling.

 

[stsomewhere]

op here.
I left because I knew if I stayed thing I would say things I would regret
later.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I would have done what you did...you can't change them ....I don't really have anything else to say expect to take care of yourself and your family first ..

What she said.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

I say you are better off without the drama. We can't pick our family, but we can choose whether or not we want to associate with them.

This.

 

[Allison]

Apologize for what?

If your sister doesn't want to hear about your dad, then that is her issue and it's up to her to remove herself from situations where he is mentioned. It's not your responsibility to not bring him up.

 

[disykat]

Another "apologize for what?" vote.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Last night during a family bunco event, my sister, Jen, and I got into an arguement.

She overheard me and my other sister, Lisa, talking about my dad(who lives in TX)
Jen does not have a relationship with him and does not want his name mentioned around her and her kids. Apparently, My daughter asked her what my dad got her kids when we were at my grandma's for Christmas. Jen says that I am always bringing him up and she doesn't care what he thinks of her. One of her sons asked if he was dead.

I try really hard not to mention him because I know the reaction I will get from Jen, my mom and stepdad. They all hate him.

My sister, Lisa, apologized there and promised to never bring up his name again.( Lisa does have a good relationship with my dad and he sends her kids stuff for Christmas, too.) I told Jen that I was sorry that she felt bad but I would try not to mention him but, could not promise anything. She started screaming at me. I got so upset that I left. I told them that it was crazy to expect me to act like he did not exist, he was my father.

My aunt called me to make sure I got home ok. She said she understood why I left and supported it. LAter, my cousin's wife called to make sure I was ok.

Should I apologize or let it go? This was the final straw.
When I left my mom and Lisa were comforting Jen. I know that Lisa fells the same way as i do. But, does not want to cause trouble. I decided a few months ago it did not matter to me if i have a relationship with my mom. She has let me down too many times and has made promises she doesn't keep. But, the final straw was when she lies and makes promises to my kids. t
Background: My parents got divoreced hen I was in 2nd gade due mymom having "affairs "with every man on our block. My dad was upset and yelled a lot and hit her. She left us alone I was responsible for watching my sister who are 3 and 5 yrs younger than me. My mom her boyfirnds would leave for hours to get "coffee'-otherwisw drugs. We had no phone and no contact with any family. Sometimes they would take us to get coffee with them- either leaving us in the car or bringin us in the house.

When I was in jr. high, we moved in with my grandparents becasue my mom had got evicted so manytimes. Shehad little or no contact until I got married.
BAsically, she abondoned us. My sister, Jen, decided that she wanted to move in with my dad during high school.

Jen got into all kind of trouble. She wrecked 4 cars that my dad bought her. She was into drugs and all things related. My dad gave her money to bail her out, pay her bills, go to school etc. and she blew it. She got pregant on purpose because she wanted my dad to accept her boyfriend, who was serving time for dealing drugs. Whe he got out of jail, they got married. My dad said he was done with her. Jen feels that she is entitled to things because she has such a hard life. There was a time that she hated me becasue my life is easy. My husband and I work hard for the life we have.

A few years later...
Jen and her husbadn go into a fight. She was sleeping around with other people and proud of it. (something she did before she was married). her husband got upset there was a big fight,where my sister stabbed him.

She called my dad and he came and got her. Bailed her out. She moved to Mi so my mom and stepdad could help her out. It comes out that they have been sending her money for years. My mom does everything she can to make her Jen's life better.

For a few years so she doing really well, my mom was trying to have a relationship with all her dughters and grandkids. still showing favortism to Jen nd her family. Jn meets a man and wants to get married. She has cleaned her life up. No more drugs, etc. Bought herself a house, good job.. Her husband was in jail again for selling drugs.

My mom pays for jen to fly to TX to get a divorce. She sleeps with him, she gets preg. and he moves up here. She has decided too live off wellfare because all of his money goes to child support for his other 3 kids. Plus, the 3 they have together. My sister said that if my dad can not accept her husband than she wants nothing to do with him

I bolded the part where you screwed up. You already know that she is going to blow a gasket so you went ahead and got in a fight with her.

Basically you don't poke a bear with a stick unless you are looking to get eaten.

Now should you apologize so you can have status quo? Do you want a relationship with your sister or do you want to cut her off?

Only you can answer that. Think about it for awhile. Weigh the pros/cons.

 

[wdwfan16]

You have every right to talk about your father. It seems he was the better parent and is still the better parent. It seems Jen wants his money and if he does not send it she won't talk to him. Jen has done many bad things in her life. You have every right to be made at her and to walk away. I am not sure I would have any relationship with a sister who has drugs around.

 

[doxdogy]

I wouldn't be apologizing to her. She sounds she like my sister, her problems are the fault of everyone else and not her.

 

[stsomewhere]

I spoke with my cousin's wife, Rachel( a very good friend of mine).
She said that after I left there was complete silence. She said that people were shocked that I left. Eventually, they started playing the gameagain. My aunt snuck into the bathroom to call me. Rachel thought that my mom and sister would talk about it. But, they held their tongues while she was there. I am sure they discussed it after everyone else had left.

Rachel said that Lisa completely shut down as soon as Jen started in on me. Jen has been known to try to bully people into gettting her own way. I was not taking it any more. Lisa still believes that she can have a real relationship with our mom . So, she will not say anything against Jen. I am sick of hearing Jen has a hard life, etc. I have heard that for 20 years. She needs to take responsibility for herself and her actions.

Rachel said that she has never seen me so mad in the 23 years we have known each other. She said that she knew I had to leave before I said something I would regret later.

 

[stsomewhere]

I wouldn't be apologizing to her. She sounds she like my sister, her problems are the fault of everyone else and not her.

This is exactly how Jen thinks. She had such a hard life due to .... or ..... Never becasue of her self

 

[Docwoods]

OP-Take it from someone who also has one normal sister and one who is a whackjob:the whackjob is NEVER going to change! There will always be some reason why she does what she does or doesn't do.She'll give a million excuses as to why life is SEEMINGLY difficult for her.Successful people don't give excuses.Don't bother with her.You're an adult and YOU DON"T HAVE TO!!!One of the best gifts I ever gave myself was telling my idiot sister that I was through with her foolishness.I haven't spoken to her since June.It's been delightful.P.S.-your daughter and husband don't need to deal with that garbage,either.