Single parents...moms, dads...whomever...

[jordansmomma]

UGH!!!!!! Somedays I just want to scream!!!
I am single mom of 2 boys 8 & 12. I swear in the last 8 months life has been
nothing but he double hockey sticks!!!! Does it ever get any easier?
DS12, I am not sure what happened but one day he just woke up with a smart mouth...I am not sure where it came from?? getting him to do anything is like pulling teeth.
DS8, He just does not listen. He has been grounded for 2 wks now. He refuses to do his work in school. His teacher thinks he has ADD or ADHD?

I know that life has not been so great in the last 8 months. In November my fiance & I called off our wedding & relationship and in January the boys and I moved out and moved in with my very good friend and her husband for 5 months. Now we are on our own. Its been a rough few months, trying to figure out everything. So I know that there lives have been turned upside, but.....
Then DS8, I am not sure what to think about what his teacher says?
He is not hyper, just has a hard time focusing and staying on task at school well and doing his work for that matter.

Somedays I just want to cry...
Somedays I just don't know what to do?
How do I get him motivated to do his work?

and yes....I would like some cheese with my wine...thanks..

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Although I, luckily am not single anymore...just a little over a yr and half ago I was.. my girls are now 12 and 8... The way they are acting is normal for that age, and then, of course, they feel your stress as well..

Scream, sleep and find some friends to go out on the town with Nothing a few margaritas and girlfriends won't fix
When you tuck those boys in and they tell you they love you..it's all worthwhile!

 

[DrCavin]

Then DS8, I am not sure what to think about what his teacher says?
He is not hyper, just has a hard time focusing and staying on task at school well and doing his work for that matter..

Get him tested, not all kids are "hyper" that have ADHD. My Son is not hyper & has ADHD.

Hang in there, things will get better STAY POSITIVE!!

 

[jordansmomma]

Although I, luckily am not single anymore...just a little over a yr and half ago I was.. my girls are now 12 and 8... The way they are acting is normal for that age, and then, of course, they feel your stress as well..

Scream, sleep and find some friends to go out on the town with Nothing a few margaritas and girlfriends won't fix
When you tuck those boys in and they tell you they love you..it's all worthwhile!

Thanks.

But how many margaritas are too many?? Just kidding..

 

[jordansmomma]

Get him tested, not all kids are "hyper" that have ADHD. My Son is not hyper & has ADHD.

Hang in there, things will get better STAY POSITIVE!!

Ok, so what do I say when I make the appt?

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

I prefer being a single mom to actually being married to my daughter's father. Nothing against him, I just enjoy having every other weekend off!

But, seriously, it can be tough at times (my daughter is almost 8. My ex and I divorced when she was 14 months), but I only have 1 child, so I don't think it's too bad. The hardest part for me, I think, is that I have to do EVERYTHING myself. My daughter's dance lessons, doctor/dentist appointments, school functions/open houses, everything. Her father lives about 90 miles away, so I can't very well ask him to help out in those areas. Gas is expensive! Anyway, after almost 7 years of that, it's starting to wear on my nerves.

 

[cabmom]

My son also, has ADHD. I've also had Psyco educational testing done, so that he can get an IEP. He is on meds as well.
For your sanity and his it's worth it to get tested.

 

[Michelle67]

I was a "real" single mom for six years, and right now I'm a temporary "single mom" because my husband is in Iraq. It is a hard row to hoe, and you have my sympathy and support.

I might not be too popular for what I'm about to say...but I'll say it anyhow. I think ADD/ADHD is grossly over-diagnosed. I'm not saying it is impossible that your son COULD be either one, but I'm skeptical. You didn't say in your post, but what jumps out to me is...this child is probably in third grade, right? Or second? Has there ever been any suggestion of this in the past? And how long has this teacher known him, a few weeks? I don't trust that the teacher has the knowledge of either the syndrome or the child to go making a diagnosis. By all means it can't hurt to have him see a doctor, but I'm thinking the more likely thing is that he is just expressing some difficult emotions that he is having because he is feeling unsettled and insecure. Please don't feel like I'm attacking you for that. Life is hard for all of us sometimes, and things are going to come up that make kids feel bewildered that don't have to be anybody's "fault."

My kids are pretty unsettled with their father not around. They do all kinds of weird things, get out of control sometimes, come up with odd behaviors. IMHO they are just expressing their confusion and unhappiness in the way that kids usually do---by acting out in some way that seems completely unrelated to the actual problem. Kids don't have the emotional or communications skills to say "I'm really very concerned about my dad not being around, and I don't know when life is ever going to seem normal to me again, and this is upsetting to me." Seriously, my kids have come up with WEIRD reactions to stress over the years. When they got through the stress and started to cope better, the behaviors vanished.

As far as the actual school issue goes, here's a suggestion that might help...or might not. Just gonna throw it out there. Do you know any high school juniors or seniors? If not, maybe you could contact the high school and talk with someone there. What I'm getting at, is that maybe you can find him a tutor/mentor to help him with his school work. Even if he doesn't really need the help on an intellectual level, maybe the one on one attention from someone who is not an authority figure would help him. My daughter's best friend tutored her last two years of school, and (the reason I brought up juniors or seniors, I'm in Washington too, btw) I'm pretty sure that the school let her use some of that toward her community service requirement for graduation. If not the CS, a student interested in teaching or working with children might be able to use it to support the career exploration part of the senior project. It might be a way to get cheap or free tutoring and some attention for your son that might help him through his feelings.

Or I could be totally off base. Just my thoughts, though. Again, you have my sympathy and support. I know your job is very hard sometimes.

 

[jordansmomma]

I prefer being a single mom to actually being married to my daughter's father. Nothing against him, I just enjoy having every other weekend off!

But, seriously, it can be tough at times (my daughter is almost 8. My ex and I divorced when she was 14 months), but I only have 1 child, so I don't think it's too bad. The hardest part for me, I think, is that I have to do EVERYTHING myself. My daughter's dance lessons, doctor/dentist appointments, school functions/open houses, everything. Her father lives about 90 miles away, so I can't very well ask him to help out in those areas. Gas is expensive! Anyway, after almost 7 years of that, it's starting to wear on my nerves.

I so feel what you are saying!!
Their dad lives 100 miles away, I swear if I had everyother wknd off
I would LOVE IT!! But I don't. I get maybe one wknd a month off.

Doing EVERYTHING yourself..I swear somedays I am not sure if I am coming or going!!!
YES, GAS IS EXPENSIVE!!

 

[jordansmomma]

I was a "real" single mom for six years, and right now I'm a temporary "single mom" because my husband is in Iraq. It is a hard row to hoe, and you have my sympathy and support.

I might not be too popular for what I'm about to say...but I'll say it anyhow. I think ADD/ADHD is grossly over-diagnosed. I'm not saying it is impossible that your son COULD be either one, but I'm skeptical. You didn't say in your post, but what jumps out to me is...this child is probably in third grade, right? Or second? Has there ever been any suggestion of this in the past? And how long has this teacher known him, a few weeks? I don't trust that the teacher has the knowledge of either the syndrome or the child to go making a diagnosis. By all means it can't hurt to have him see a doctor, but I'm thinking the more likely thing is that he is just expressing some difficult emotions that he is having because he is feeling unsettled and insecure. Please don't feel like I'm attacking you for that. Life is hard for all of us sometimes, and things are going to come up that make kids feel bewildered that don't have to be anybody's "fault."

My kids are pretty unsettled with their father not around. They do all kinds of weird things, get out of control sometimes, come up with odd behaviors. IMHO they are just expressing their confusion and unhappiness in the way that kids usually do---by acting out in some way that seems completely unrelated to the actual problem. Kids don't have the emotional or communications skills to say "I'm really very concerned about my dad not being around, and I don't know when life is ever going to seem normal to me again, and this is upsetting to me." Seriously, my kids have come up with WEIRD reactions to stress over the years. When they got through the stress and started to cope better, the behaviors vanished.

As far as the actual school issue goes, here's a suggestion that might help...or might not. Just gonna throw it out there. Do you know any high school juniors or seniors? If not, maybe you could contact the high school and talk with someone there. What I'm getting at, is that maybe you can find him a tutor/mentor to help him with his school work. Even if he doesn't really need the help on an intellectual level, maybe the one on one attention from someone who is not an authority figure would help him. My daughter's best friend tutored her last two years of school, and (the reason I brought up juniors or seniors, I'm in Washington too, btw) I'm pretty sure that the school let her use some of that toward her community service requirement for graduation. If not the CS, a student interested in teaching or working with children might be able to use it to support the career exploration part of the senior project. It might be a way to get cheap or free tutoring and some attention for your son that might help him through his feelings.

Or I could be totally off base. Just my thoughts, though. Again, you have my sympathy and support. I know your job is very hard sometimes.

Thanks, I didn't feel as though I was being attacked.
But first off, I haven't been with their dad in 6 years.
In my previous relationship we were together for almost 4 years.
I am not wanting to runout and medicate my child, I just want my sanity back, I want my child to succeed in third grade, pass the stupid WASL, yes, I said stupid. I want him to be able to focus and concentrate and FINISH HIS SCHOOL WORK!!!!!!!!!

I am going to check into the tutoring thing.

 

[Michelle67]

Thanks, I didn't feel as though I was being attacked.
But first off, I haven't been with their dad in 6 years.
In my previous relationship we were together for almost 4 years.
I am not wanting to runout and medicate my child, I just want my sanity back, I want my child to succeed in third grade, pass the stupid WASL, yes, I said stupid. I want him to be able to focus and concentrate and FINISH HIS SCHOOL WORK!!!!!!!!!

I am going to check into the tutoring thing.

Oh sorry...the thing about dad not being around was more what my kids are feeling, didn't mean to project onto yours. I just got the idea that there's some changes going on lately that might be affecting him and making him act out, so I was comparing it to my kids' feelings and the weird expressions of them that they come up with sometimes.

And I'm so with you on the STUPID WASL!

 

[Pin Wizard]

After more than 15 years as a single parent, NO! It does not get easier. But it IS all worthwhile!

 

[RNMOM]

I'm not a single mom but just wanted to jump in and say that both boys are at tough ages. Mine are 21 and 23 and I feel that way times still.

My best advice I can give is if you reach your boiling point...give yourself a time out. After I started doing this my kids started recognizing how their behavior impacted me. When you are spoken too rudely, go into your bedroom, bathroom, stop the car and get out and walk a bit but do something to make them realize how much what was said hurt you. I didn't talk about it at all but it did work for me. Once I just put the bread, peanut butter and jelly on the table and poured milk. I spent the evening in my room. DH was away on business most of that winter and it was really hard. My kids made their own sandwiches, took their baths and even packed their lunches on their own. In the morning I got hugs and we all just went on.

I do think we do kids a disservice if we don't provide feedback to them. After a certain age, usually somewhere in early to late elementary school, they need this.

Do you have any friends who can pinch hit once in a while? How about family? Try to get as much time to yourself as you can. It will recharge you and then you can give it back to your kids. Don't be afraid to ask them for help too. Tell them you are feeling bad and you could use hugs and being made to feel special. Don't you try to do this for them? I think it is a good lesson to learn, how to nurture each other in a family.

We're here to listen and offer . Sending you lots of pixie dust.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

Hey girl, check your PMs.

 

[Stacerita]

Ive been a single parent since DD came home from the hospital. Does it get easier? Not really. It just gets different. True some days are better than others though.

 

[jordansmomma]

Oh sorry...the thing about dad not being around was more what my kids are feeling, didn't mean to project onto yours. I just got the idea that there's some changes going on lately that might be affecting him and making him act out, so I was comparing it to my kids' feelings and the weird expressions of them that they come up with sometimes.

And I'm so with you on the STUPID WASL!

I am sure that some of the problem is the lack of their dad being involved.
You weren't too off beat!
Thanks.

 

[Sleepy]

Get him tested, not all kids are "hyper" that have ADHD. My Son is not hyper & has ADHD.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I was under the impression that there were two diagnosis. One is ADD (Attention deficit) which is the type that has trouble staying focused, organized, etc. The other is ADHD (The "H" stands for Hyperactivity) which is the type that on top of the problems associated with ADD, they are also very hyper. Their mind races, they talk non-stop, impulsive, can't sit still, etc.

My son is the ADHD type. I'd prefer a child without the "H".

OP, sorry your are having trouble with the kiddos right now. As another poster said, I was not officially a single parent, but the first 12 years of my son's life, my husband was on an aircraft carrier and was rarely home. Even when he was, he wanted to play the part of the good time-part time dad. Having my husband home was great, but his sporadic appearances caused problems with our son. Kids with ADHD need schedules and this was not a good environment for him.

I remember age 4. My husband had to go on the usual 6 month cruise. My son decided he would revert back to being a toddler in diapers . I almost lost my job because daycare was going to kick him out. Luckily one of the daycare workers knew my son from another daycare and understood the situation and helped him work through his feelings and things were ok after that. Just the little things like that is enough to make you cry, crazy, and just an overwhelming feeling of throwing in the towel. I have been known to spend a few minutes hiding in the closet to get my self collected.

 

[Disney Doll]

I was a "real" single mom for six years, and right now I'm a temporary "single mom" because my husband is in Iraq. It is a hard row to hoe, and you have my sympathy and support.

I might not be too popular for what I'm about to say...but I'll say it anyhow. I think ADD/ADHD is grossly over-diagnosed. I'm not saying it is impossible that your son COULD be either one, but I'm skeptical. You didn't say in your post, but what jumps out to me is...this child is probably in third grade, right? Or second? Has there ever been any suggestion of this in the past? And how long has this teacher known him, a few weeks? I don't trust that the teacher has the knowledge of either the syndrome or the child to go making a diagnosis. By all means it can't hurt to have him see a doctor, but I'm thinking the more likely thing is that he is just expressing some difficult emotions that he is having because he is feeling unsettled and insecure. Please don't feel like I'm attacking you for that. Life is hard for all of us sometimes, and things are going to come up that make kids feel bewildered that don't have to be anybody's "fault."

My kids are pretty unsettled with their father not around. They do all kinds of weird things, get out of control sometimes, come up with odd behaviors. IMHO they are just expressing their confusion and unhappiness in the way that kids usually do---by acting out in some way that seems completely unrelated to the actual problem. Kids don't have the emotional or communications skills to say "I'm really very concerned about my dad not being around, and I don't know when life is ever going to seem normal to me again, and this is upsetting to me." Seriously, my kids have come up with WEIRD reactions to stress over the years. When they got through the stress and started to cope better, the behaviors vanished.

As far as the actual school issue goes, here's a suggestion that might help...or might not. Just gonna throw it out there. Do you know any high school juniors or seniors? If not, maybe you could contact the high school and talk with someone there. What I'm getting at, is that maybe you can find him a tutor/mentor to help him with his school work. Even if he doesn't really need the help on an intellectual level, maybe the one on one attention from someone who is not an authority figure would help him. My daughter's best friend tutored her last two years of school, and (the reason I brought up juniors or seniors, I'm in Washington too, btw) I'm pretty sure that the school let her use some of that toward her community service requirement for graduation. If not the CS, a student interested in teaching or working with children might be able to use it to support the career exploration part of the senior project. It might be a way to get cheap or free tutoring and some attention for your son that might help him through his feelings.

Or I could be totally off base. Just my thoughts, though. Again, you have my sympathy and support. I know your job is very hard sometimes.

This is a very wise post. You said everything I would have said, in a much better way than I could have.

 

[PatsGirl]

Another thing to look into is a "Big Brother" ~~ the boys might need some type of masculine (read: testosterone, lol) involvement. FWIW, I've been a single Mom to both my kids, DS18 and DD11, since DS was 12 weeks old. Yeah, I know, the math doesn't make sense DD's father was involved for less than 3 years and was much more work than he was help

When the going gets tough I remind myself how much work a husband is. While I don't have extensive experience with this, I certainly see what my friends go through. There is something very liberating about not having to have dinner on the table at a certain time and for that matter being able to serve grilled cheese and soup when I want The lack of drama in my life gives me the time to help my kids with theirs, especially DD who is now in middle school and beginning adolescence.

Keep up the good work Mom and know that kids will be kids. Set rules and stick with them. Structure in a single-parent household (or any household for that matter) is paramount to keeping everything and everyone organized and on task. And don't forget the as often as you can because in a few years they won't be accepted as often or as easily.

Brenda

 

[kellyg403]

Hi, I was a single mom for a long time too. Even when I was married, ex was military so it felt like I was single alot! I know how stressful it can be, especially if you are going through stuff and then no breaks. When it rains it pours could have been my motto of the day. My dd in 3rd grade had a terrible year, also add/odd, my oldest ds was in 6th that year and decided he was a grown-up/man of the house. Some days I just wanted to scream.

If you feel your ds should be tested, by all means do that. If he does have an issue the earlier the better to help him to succeed. I have 3 sons and 3 dd's and I really think that my son's were more in tune to how stressed/upset/crazy I felt. My youngest ds didn't want to be away from me.
The girls just seemed to handle the crazy that was our life there for awhile.

What your 12 yods is going through is probably pretty normal for his age group. Now, he is the "man of the house" in his mind and may be struggling to be a kid and your better 1/2. I never even realized my ds was doing it until I noticed how bossy he was to his bro/sis. I realized I leaned on him to help me alot when I had to go to work, like grab them from the bus, get their homework started. The younger two were in daycare but he helped with his sis alot. I had to make some adjustments so that "he" had more free/kid time.

We did do family counseling and I did encourage the kids to talk to their guidance counselor. DD, 3rd grade, belonged to the "lunch bunch" at school. 2 days a week she went and had lunch with a couple kids and the guidance counselor. It was designed for kids having a few troubles at home and school. They would talk to the counselor about things, relax and do things she came up with to help the kids learn coping techniques. My dd is 21and she still talks about the "lunch bunch". One of the other little girls is still her friend to this day.

Good luck. What you are going through is normal. I remember those days as if they were yesterday. It WAS all worth it in the end. Identifying that there is even a problem is the first stop. Be good and kind to yourself. That is the most important part. Enough guilt to shoulder without adding more! I used to sneak away from work early if I could just to go shopping at the store without them, or sit in the car at Sonic, or meet a friend for lunch. Those few precious hours a week did alot for me.

Kelly