Signing over parental rights

[Clifton Tesh]

My daughter's mother left us in June of 2010, she hasn't seen her since she left or attempted to contact her in a little over 5 years.

As of the last 2 months, she hasn't made her child support payment. When I contacted child support enforcement they told me that she had lost her job and was filling for disability.

This is kind of like an answered prayer. My wife has been wanting to adopt my daughter, but the way the law is (already talked to a family law lawyer) unless we can prove the mother to be unfit (apparently not seeing your child in 6 years isn't enough), then the judge won't approve the termination of parental rights. Failure to pay child support (regardless the reason) will prove the parent unfit. So hopefully she makes it to month 3 without paying. Then I can proceed to court.

I'm not asking for legal advice because I know every state has different laws.

But I would like advice on what to expect, how long this usually takes, the stress it will put on my daughter, if they will listen to my daughter on what she wants, things like that.

My daughter will be 10 in January and wants nothing more in this world than to have her mommy adopt her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciate.

 

[fly girl]

No advice, sorry I have zero knowledge on this topic.

But I'm praying for you and your family. I really hope your daughter gets her REAL mom legally.

 

[kimblebee]

No advice either but wow, I wish the laws were that easy up here. My ex is 7 YEARS behind in child support and yet I still have to legally allow him access to her every week. The laws up here are beyond frustrating and I could write six pages on what I've gone through. Hopefully things go smoothly for you and your family

 

[jbcheerchick93]

My only advice would be to make sure your daughter goes to a family/child counselor while the proceedings are happening. As much as she wants her mommy to adopt her, it can have lingering subconscious effects on her that her bio mom terminated her rights/gave her up etc. EVEN THOUGH she does not make any attempt to see her and your daughter does not know her for all intents and purposes. It can still have a lasting effect. Good luck, your daughter and SO will be so happy (I'm sure) if this all comes to fruition

 

[Malibustyle23]

My daughter's mother left us in June of 2010, she hasn't seen her since she left or attempted to contact her in a little over 5 years.

As of the last 2 months, she hasn't made her child support payment. When I contacted child support enforcement they told me that she had lost her job and was filling for disability.

This is kind of like an answered prayer. My wife has been wanting to adopt my daughter, but the way the law is (already talked to a family law lawyer) unless we can prove the mother to be unfit (apparently not seeing your child in 6 years isn't enough), then the judge won't approve the termination of parental rights. Failure to pay child support (regardless the reason) will prove the parent unfit. So hopefully she makes it to month 3 without paying. Then I can proceed to court.

I'm not asking for legal advice because I know every state has different laws.

But I would like advice on what to expect, how long this usually takes, the stress it will put on my daughter, if they will listen to my daughter on what she wants, things like that.

My daughter will be 10 in January and wants nothing more in this world than to have her mommy adopt her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciate.

I don't have any personal experience but I must ask when and if the disability gets approved won't they readjust her child support amount if she forces them to and then just take that amount out of her disability? I say re adjust assuming she would make less and want them to take out a lower amount.

Although around here disability is hard to get accepted for and can take FOREVER so that may be a moot point anyways if you quickly file that she has missed the payments.

 

[pocomom]

My daughter's mother left us in June of 2010, she hasn't seen her since she left or attempted to contact her in a little over 5 years.

As of the last 2 months, she hasn't made her child support payment. When I contacted child support enforcement they told me that she had lost her job and was filling for disability.

This is kind of like an answered prayer. My wife has been wanting to adopt my daughter, but the way the law is (already talked to a family law lawyer) unless we can prove the mother to be unfit (apparently not seeing your child in 6 years isn't enough), then the judge won't approve the termination of parental rights. Failure to pay child support (regardless the reason) will prove the parent unfit. So hopefully she makes it to month 3 without paying. Then I can proceed to court.

I'm not asking for legal advice because I know every state has different laws.

But I would like advice on what to expect, how long this usually takes, the stress it will put on my daughter, if they will listen to my daughter on what she wants, things like that.

My daughter will be 10 in January and wants nothing more in this world than to have her mommy adopt her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciate.

I hate to say it but in my personal experience it is very hard to get the courts to relinquish parental rights.
We had a familial adoption in our family. The birth mother was an addict , homeless and had neglected the child , who was born addicted, while he was in her care. It took years; he was finally adopted at 7.

 

[Clifton Tesh]

I don't have any personal experience but I must ask when and if the disability gets approved won't they readjust her child support amount if she forces them to and then just take that amount out of her disability? I say re adjust assuming she would make less and want them to take out a lower amount.

Although around here disability is hard to get accepted for and can take FOREVER so that may be a moot point anyways if you quickly file that she has missed the payments.

She's 32 and has no medically documented disability so I know it's going to be a fight for her so I'm hoping to get it filed quickly.

But I have considered this whole scenario just in case.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I don't have any personal experience but I must ask when and if the disability gets approved won't they readjust her child support amount if she forces them to and then just take that amount out of her disability? I say re adjust assuming she would make less and want them to take out a lower amount.

Although around here disability is hard to get accepted for and can take FOREVER so that may be a moot point anyways if you quickly file that she has missed the payments.

Her daughter would become a dependent on her mothers disability and would receive monthly payments once approved. I doubt the approval process will happen within the 3 months specified so I'd imagine it'll be a non-issue if OP moves forward.

 

[roseaster]

It's not that cut and dried.

1st, your ex, probably, won't be charged with non payment as she has informed whatever dept. handles CS in your state of her job loss, illness or injury, and inability to pay. CS will be readjusted and automatically deducted from whatever source of income she has whether is be disability or unemployment. She will not be seen as willfully not paying.

2nd. CS, visitation, and custody are wholly separate things. One will not be judged based on the other.

3rd. It is VERY difficult to sever parental rights. Even in cases of blatant, documented abuse or neglect. The goal of the courts is always to reunite bio families whenever possible. It is more likely if you do go to court, that they will order counselling and a reunification program for your daughter and her mother rather than sever her parental rights. If your ex doesn't agree to it it will take years to actually accomplish and may be emotionally difficult for your child. They may, depending on the rules of your state, take your daughter's opinions in mind regarding visitation, but severing parental rights is considered a huge thing.

4th. The PP was right. At 10 your daughter may think that this is what she wants, but it may have long lasting psychological consequences.

My 2 oldest are not my husband's bio children. He has been in their life since they were 2 and they are 17 now. Their bio father has never seen them. He has absolutely no relationship with them at all (of his own choosing) and he wouldn't recognize them if he saw them on the street. I receive CS monthly because it is directly deducted from his paycheck and I will receive it until they are 21. Though my children know there is no biology between between them and their father, they still consider him their father because he has done and been everything a father should. The feeling is what matters, not a piece of paper.

Having BTDT I think at 10 your daughter is way too young to to make any life altering decisions. There isn't that maturity level.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

OP, is your daughter's mother willing to agree to an adoption? Have you pursued that option or is it even viable to attempt? That would surely make things a bit less complicated.

 

[gotomu212]

My daughter will be 10 in January and wants nothing more in this world than to have her mommy adopt her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciate.

From an emotional support standpoint I would explain to your daughter that an adoption is a piece of paper (at 10 she doesn't need to understand all the legal issues that go into parental rights) and that no matter what this women will be her mother and will love, support, and protect her. I wouldn't talk around her about how much you want her to be adopted, how great it will be, etc because in my experience it is a very lengthy process and it may not happen. Setting up expectations for your child that it won't be perfect until the adoption happens may make her feel like she's in limbo and if it doesn't occur that your wife may abandon here.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

No advice either but wow, I wish the laws were that easy up here. My ex is 7 YEARS behind in child support and yet I still have to legally allow him access to her every week. The laws up here are beyond frustrating and I could write six pages on what I've gone through. Hopefully things go smoothly for you and your family

Have a friend with a weird divorce settlement. He has primary (but not sole) custody of the kids. Because of that, the ex must pay him monthly child support. But, because he makes more money, he pays her alimony. And the two amounts are a similar number. IIRC, the reasoning is that the alimony is taxable income while the child support is not.

Anyway, she is more than 3 years behind on child support, yet the court will not allow him to stop alimony payments. He could even risk losing custody were he to do so. It's a bizarre situation to me.

 

[Clifton Tesh]

OP, is your daughter's mother willing to agree to an adoption? Have you pursued that option or is it even viable to attempt? That would surely make things a bit less complicated.

I have no idea where the absent mother is and have had no communication with her in 5 plus years. CSE knows where she's at but can't release the info.

It's not that cut and dried.

1st, your ex, probably, won't be charged with non payment as she has informed whatever dept. handles CS in your state of her job loss, illness or injury, and inability to pay. CS will be readjusted and automatically deducted from whatever source of income she has whether is be disability or unemployment. She will not be seen as willfully not paying.

2nd. CS, visitation, and custody are wholly separate things. One will not be judged based on the other.

3rd. It is VERY difficult to sever parental rights. Even in cases of blatant, documented abuse or neglect. The goal of the courts is always to reunite bio families whenever possible. It is more likely if you do go to court, that they will order counselling and a reunification program for your daughter and her mother rather than sever her parental rights. If your ex doesn't agree to it it will take years to actually accomplish and may be emotionally difficult for your child. They may, depending on the rules of your state, take your daughter's opinions in mind regarding visitation, but severing parental rights is considered a huge thing.

4th. The PP was right. At 10 your daughter may think that this is what she wants, but it may have long lasting psychological consequences.

My 2 oldest are not my husband's bio children. He has been in their life since they were 2 and they are 17 now. Their bio father has never seen them. He has absolutely no relationship with them at all (of his own choosing) and he wouldn't recognize them if he saw them on the street. I receive CS monthly because it is directly deducted from his paycheck and I will receive it until they are 21. Though my children know there is no biology between between them and their father, they still consider him their father because he has done and been everything a father should. The feeling is what matters, not a piece of paper.

Having BTDT I think at 10 your daughter is way too young to to make any life altering decisions. There isn't that maturity level.

I completely understand what you're saying, my mother left when I was 3 so I've been there done that too. It's very difficult growing up feeling like you weren't good enough for your own mother. My dad and grandmother raised me. So I've never personally dealt with the adoption.

As it is right now, I'm just going off the information my lawyer has provided to me. I understand its not a guarantee, and I've also explained to my daughter that her mommy is her mommy, it doesn't matter what paper work says.

 

[Ndusmama]

OP, is your daughter's mother willing to agree to an adoption? Have you pursued that option or is it even viable to attempt? That would surely make things a bit less complicated.

I was going to ask the same thing. Have you considered asking the bio mom if she would be willing to sign for adoption. It benefits her in that she wouldn't have to pay cs anymore. But you also have to make it clear to your daughter that NO MATTER who she calls mom or considers to be mom that her bio mom did help bring her into this world and she shouldn't totally sign her off. Your daughter is 10 and may not have a full concept on parenting but you don't want her to eventually grow up and resent you. A family therapist might be a good idea imo.

Have a friend with a weird divorce settlement. He has primary (but not sole) custody of the kids. Because of that, the ex must pay him monthly child support. But, because he makes more money, he pays her alimony. And the two amounts are a similar number. IIRC, the reasoning is that the alimony is taxable income while the child support is not.

Anyway, she is more than 3 years behind on child support, yet the court will not allow him to stop alimony payments. He could even risk losing custody were he to do so. It's a bizarre situation to me.

Strange he still has to pay alimony. In my state and two other states I lived in alimony only lasts for so long.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I was going to ask the same thing. Have you considered asking the bio mom if she would be willing to sign for adoption. It benefits her in that she wouldn't have to pay cs anymore. But you also have to make it clear to your daughter that NO MATTER who she calls mom or considers to be mom that her bio mom did help bring her into this world and she shouldn't totally sign her off. Your daughter is 10 and may not have a full concept on parenting but you don't want her to eventually grow up and resent you. A family therapist might be a good idea imo.




Strange he still has to pay alimony. In my state and two other states I lived in alimony only lasts for so long.

His will expire eventually, but they've only been divorced a few years. Her child support payments stopped pretty quickly.

 

[Ndusmama]

I have no idea where the absent mother is and have had no communication with her in 5 plus years. CSE knows where she's at but can't release the info.



I completely understand what you're saying, my mother left when I was 3 so I've been there done that too. It's very difficult growing up feeling like you weren't good enough for your own mother. My dad and grandmother raised me. So I've never personally dealt with the adoption.

As it is right now, I'm just going off the information my lawyer has provided to me. I understand its not a guarantee, and I've also explained to my daughter that her mommy is her mommy, it doesn't matter what paper work says.

See while I was typing you answered my question. So I guess asking for her to sign adoption is out of the question. Since you can't go that route, I would imagine it will take at least 6 months. Not knowing your states laws and only knowing mine, and one other state, 6 months would be a minimum. First you have to have that three month no payment happen. Then you have to see if she does get disability if that would affect it, next is set up trial date to see if it can clear and possibly have rights taken then, last is possibly a second date to sign actual adoption papers.

Have you thought about court order so she can't just show back up and take your daughter for a visit?

 

[King Schultz]

Common sense would say a 'parent' who hadn't bothered seeing their child in almost 6 years has already relinquished their parental rights, but of course things are never that simple.


I certainly understand wanting your wife to be able to adopt your daughter; I'm sure it would feel like a sense of closure for all three of you. But right now your ex is out of your lives on a day-to-day basis and personally keeping it that way would be my top priority.


I wish you luck- you might revisit things with the attorney and see if they can give you some idea of how it might go. Hopefully it works out for you and your daughter and wife.

 

[Ndusmama]

His will expire eventually, but they've only been divorced a few years. Her child support payments stopped pretty quickly.

That sucks. But then most (not all) people getting divorced turn nasty and get the mentality to mess the other persons life up whether kids are involved or not.

 

[Coonhound]

I'll send you a private message.

 

[roseaster]

No advice either but wow, I wish the laws were that easy up here. My ex is 7 YEARS behind in child support and yet I still have to legally allow him access to her every week. The laws up here are beyond frustrating and I could write six pages on what I've gone through. Hopefully things go smoothly for you and your family

The laws here are the same, actually. I know it is frustrating, but since I am in the absentee parent situation and have looked into a lot of different solutions I will explain what I have been told.

CS is to provide for the child's physical well being. It is to pay for food, clothes, housing, activities, etc.

Visitation is to provide for the child's emotional well being. Though, I know in reality that isn't always so.

So, while paying CS is the right thing to do morally, not allowing your child to see her parent could cause much more damage to him/her emotionally.

I think that not paying CS is a crappy thing for any parent to do and it does say something about their character, but I would never want to be the one that hurts my kids by keeping them from a parent they wanted a relationship with.

In the states people who willfully not pay can lose their professional licenses (only reason I'm sure my girls' bio pays) drivers' license, and passports. They can also be jailed.

My girls are at the point that they have given up on their bio (but they are very nearly adults) but there was a point in their loves where it was painful to them that he didn't want them. They were younger, and like a lot of younger kids they felt that it was, somehow, their fault. A month off of being adult they realize that he is just a , but when they were younger I would have given up the CS to make them happy.