Sigh - Sandwich Generation

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

I’ve already been through it twice with my parents. I know how difficult it is, that is why I have spoken many times to my kids and wife about my desire to not be a burden.

I really wish there were more countries with die with dignity laws.

We can euthanize ours pets and give them dignity but we can’t do the same for our human family.

You're completely missing my point, but I'm just going to assume it's intentional since you have always seemed to me to be an intelligent person. I agree with you that people should have the right to die with dignity. I don't agree the second things get a little challenging that we jump to that as the solution.

 

[cabanafrau]

Not at all trying to shame anyone. I just realize how lucky I was because my mom pre-planned everything she could about what to do and how to do it if she got ill. While she had long term care insurance, and her final wished written out and reviewed with me on an annual basis for 40 years, the unanticipated care needs that came up were overwhelming. So I can see where those with strained relations with their parents would have a much much harder time.

It's not about strained relationships. It's about everything not fitting in the tidy box if you follow the supposedly "perfect blueprint", no matter how many times it's posted about, in any given circumstance. NO ONE has the perfect crystal ball to make every perfect decision and every perfect arrangement to get through any given circumstance in life unscathed, NO ONE.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

Not at all trying to shame anyone. I just realize how lucky I was because my mom pre-planned everything she could about what to do and how to do it if she got ill. While she had long term care insurance, and her final wished written out and reviewed with me on an annual basis for 40 years, the unanticipated care needs that came up were overwhelming. So I can see where those with strained relations with their parents would have a much much harder time.

So many assumptions here. My parents have had everything well planned for years. I worked in trusts and estate planning so yeah we have had many frank discussions. And there is nothing strained about our relationship. It doesn't make the current state of affairs any easier. I'm glad I can help. I'm happy to be there for them. But it's still stressful and a difficult situation.

 

[kdonnel]

That's probably in line with how a majority of people feel. The reality is that quite often life is what happens when we're busy making plans, and it's rarely as tidy as we might envision it to be -- or as neatly sewn up as it might be presented in a discussion post.

The road gets a lot bumpier when there are medical issues that impede most functions of daily living, yet don't align with major health challenges faced by most seniors AND don't rise to the level to qualify for a nursing home placement, but requiring two people to handle many daily functions throughout the day and night. Throw in some health matters that stump even the specialists and you've got a party on that front. Just to make it interesting add in another household with a husband/wife who have always been difficult and demanding, throw in dementia, vision, hearing, mobility and heart issues with unexplained loss of consciousness. Mix in uncooperative and/or downright obstacle siblings into the mix just for laughs.

Maybe that's why it's offensive to suggest blithely that our parents took care of us when we were children, so it was only right to help them the few times they needed it in their golden years. Sometimes it doesn't work out that smoothly -- and it's infuriating to insinuate that if it's hard and overwhelming you're not a dutiful enough child to your parents. I'd be laying awake at night waiting for the universe to smack me down from that level of hubris and smugness.

I agree that no one should look down on anyone because they cannot or refuse to take care of a family member.

I saw my mom and her sister’s relationship be destroyed by my grandmother’s dementia. My mom refused to see or understand how much it took out of her sister taking care of their mom. It was years after their mother died that they spoke again and never had the same relationship.

 

[tvguy]

So many assumptions here. My parents have had everything well planned for years. I worked in trusts and estate planning so yeah we have had many frank discussions. And there is nothing strained about our relationship. It doesn't make the current state of affairs any easier. I'm glad I can help. I'm happy to be there for them. But it's still stressful and a difficult situation.

No question it is stressful and difficult. In my MIL's case, she was office manager for 25 years of a law firm that did trusts and estates, and other than a will, had done NO estate planning, even though it would have cost her nothing.

 

[kdonnel]

You're completely missing my point, but I'm just going to assume it's intentional since you have always seemed to me to be an intelligent person. I agree with you that people should have the right to die with dignity. I don't agree the second things get a little challenging that we jump to that as the solution.

It’s not that I am missing the point. I thought it is obvious that what works for one family probably won’t work for another.

Everyone has to do what is best for them.

 

[cabanafrau]

I agree that no one should look down on anyone because they cannot or refuse to take care of a family member.

I saw my mom and her sister’s relationship be destroyed by my grandmother’s dementia. My mom refused to see or understand how much it took out of her sister taking care of their mom. It was years after their mother died that they spoke again and never had the same relationship.

To be clear, you are not the person I'm suggesting made the insinuation.

I understand your sentiments regarding your wishes, but I'm also guessing you realize what you suggest simply may not be within the grasp of those you would wish to carry out your wishes. Each of us has to do the best with the hand we're dealt, and do the best we can with the situation we're confronted. with. I'm dealing with someone in the grips of dementia who has expressed desires rather similar to yours. Carrying them out is out of reach for a myriad of reasons, also triggered by choices the same individual holds dear.

Caring for elderly parents in declining medical and mental states is tough. If you're not in those shoes, be grateful and offer more grace than you think you can afford to anyone who is.

 

[tvguy]

It's not about strained relationships. It's about everything not fitting in the tidy box if you follow the supposedly "perfect blueprint", no matter how many times it's posted about, in any given circumstance. NO ONE has the perfect crystal ball to make every perfect decision and every perfect arrangement to get through any given circumstance in life unscathed, NO ONE.

I agree. My mom planned out everything she could, but none of us had any idea what she would be able to take her usual 5 mile walk on Easter Sunday, have a blood pressure spike on Monday that required a trip to the ER, having a tumor discovered in the ER, and having a stroke in the hospital on Wednesday while waiting to have a biopsy done on the tumor. And then her long term care insurance company wouldn't talk to me because I didn't have a POA even though I didn't need one. Fortunately mom was able to convince an attorney that she understood what was a POA was, and was physically able to sign it.

 

[VandVsmama]

One thing's for sure - even if your elderly parents walked on water and are amazing people, taking care of yourself, your own kids, AND your aging parents is really hard.

On top of that, if you live in a state which has 'filial responsibility' laws on the books, the state could force you to have them move in with you and you'd have to take care of them anyway.

We do not live in one of those states, but just imagine how stressful one's situation could be if you live in a filial responsibility state and had a very toxic parent who's aging.

ODD (who's 18 and just started college) told me a few days before we dropped her off at college, "If Daddy dies first, then I'll just have you move in with me and my husband and our kids." I told her to hold off on making such plans...let's see how it all plays out and work on your own relationship with your spouse first.

With my MIL, we financially supported her for the last 16 years of her life. We went above and beyond what most people would have done. Even sacrificed putting savings into our kids' college funds for 16 years in order to help out my narcissistic MIL. It was really really really hard, especially when after all we'd given her over the years, she still acted like we didn't do enough. Years of having to keep info from her like us going on a short trip somewhere without her (she expected to be included on every family vacation and for us to pay for her; also expected that every time we went out to eat with her, that WE would pay, not her). I have zero regrets with her not living in our home with us. My own DH, her SON, couldn't handle having her live with us. The ONE time we took her with us to Disneyland? She didn't even offer to buy my kids an ice cream cone, but made sure to complain on the drive home about how she didn't get enough time to shop for herself and her friends.

Up until just a few weeks before she died, she refused to ever tell us anything about her multitude of health problems. Flat out refused to set up estate paperwork. Medical power of attorney? Nope, refused. years ago, had retina surgery and told the eye doctor that there was nobody available to drive her home, even though we were about 20 min drive from that physician. Checked herself into the ER once and didn't tell my husband until 2 days later when she needed a ride home from the hospital. I could go on and on about the stupid games she'd play.

I wish that everything was sunshine and rainbows for everybody in the 'sandwich generation' situations. But it's not always sunshine and rainbows. If you & your aging parents/parents-in-law can be understanding, caring, and up front with each other and work out a good system for everyone, then that's a wonderful thing!

But please don't judge others if they don't have such an arrangement. You don't know what kind of nonsense they've had to deal with over the years.

 

[barkley]

That’s why I hope I don’t become a burden. I hope I go to sleep one day while still independent and just don’t wake up.

I have made it clear to my kids and wife that their life comes first. If there is even a hint that I should be unplugged, unplug me. If I have Alzheimer’s or dementia, take me to the closest country that allows me to die with dignity.

this was a key factor in choosing the state we moved to.

 

[disykat]

My parents planned for everything except losing their ability to reason and not make things extremely difficult. My dad had always said "We'll move near you, we'll move into a place" etc. but he changed his mind and resisted everything. One of my children and I joke about him wanting me to put a tattoo on my forearm that says I promise to move near him. He has been extremely helpful to us in helping with his three grandparents who had great need so he knows what he could be in for! Parent number four dropped dead unexpectedly before he was very elderly and we all thought that was going to be the hardest thing we dealt with. We were wrong.

Thank you for this thread. I had a good day with mom. Taking her to drs. appointments can be a bit of a crap shoot behavior wise and her last appointment was interesting. She did well today... AND my sister is coming next week to give me a break. Yay!

 

[disykat]

this was a key factor in choosing the state we moved to.

Death with dignity laws don't apply in any state in the USA to people with dementia. By the time you qualify, you no longer have decision making ability.