Sigh - Sandwich Generation

[nancipants]

My mom turns 77 next week. She lives 1.5 hours away and refuses to move closer.
She’s forgetting things more often and gets out of breath easily. We have family history of Alzheimer's. She isn’t married and I’m an only child.

My son is 4.5.

Yeah. It’s a lot.

 

[disykat]

N

My mom turns 77 next week. She lives 1.5 hours away and refuses to move closer.
She’s forgetting things more often and gets out of breath easily. We have family history of Alzheimer's. She isn’t married and I’m an only child.

My son is 4.5.

Yeah. It’s a lot.

My mom absolutely refused to move while my dad was living and finally agreed to move after he passed. He would have been willing to move based on what he'd always said before memory loss, but at that point she was the decision maker for both of them. The only way she finally agreed to move was I literally cried, told her I couldn't do it anymore, and said her choice was me visiting a few times a year or her moving by me. She agreed, my siblings believed me that she agreed to it, and I just moved forward with it.

The whole way through with both our parents my siblings agreed that if we got agreement once in a lucid moment, we went with it - knowing they wouldn't remember later. Frankly, as the main caregiver, I would have been hard core and insisted earlier, but we were making joint decisions.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

I know we aren't technically allowed in the conversation since we are childfree, but my parents call us first for everything since my brother has a toddler and couldn't possibly be available to do anything. So now we are spending 3 days a week with my parents at their house. It's an adventure for sure, but we are doing our best. Thankfully I have a very kind and understanding husband.

 

[Marrila]

I know we aren't technically allowed in the conversation since we are childfree, but my parents call us first for everything since my brother has a toddler and couldn't possibly be available to do anything. So now we are spending 3 days a week with my parents at their house. It's an adventure for sure, but we are doing our best. Thankfully I have a very kind and understanding husband.

You are absolutely welcome in the conversation. These are difficult and challenging issues to work through.

 

[disykat]

I agree that you are absolutely part of the conversation. My kids aren't home anymore so I'm not "sandwiched" either, but open faced sandwiches are a thing!

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

Thank you. Sorry...I was probably projecting some feelings. I appreciate all of you.

And I LOLed literally at "open faced sandwiches". I needed that!

 

[cabanafrau]

Caring for elderly parents with health problems is definitely rough. My husband and I are juggling the needs of 3 of them and it's meant shutting down wide areas of our lives to make sure we can cover all the bases, along with the unexpected emergencies. It wasn't until August this year that the tally of weeks without an ER run hit the double digits.

There have been a few friends and coworkers who are particularly clueless, commenting again and again how ridiculous it is that we're "wasting our time at home" instead of finally picking up and traveling the way we planned when our daughters were grown and out of college. It's been a bitter enough pill to swallow without having to be constantly reminded our plans evaporated precisely when we were on the brink of enjoying ourselves.

 

[VandVsmama]

Move them in with you. I never would have thought I would say that but it has been much easier helping care for my wife’s parents that live with us compared to my parents that lived on their own 2 hours away.

Multigenerational households are the bomb.

Don't move an elderly parent in with you if the parent is like my MIL was. Demanding, narcissistic, expecting to be catered to and waited on, manipulative, passive-aggressive, and just outright told my husband that the adult child should always put the elderly parent above the adult child's spouse and children all of the time. Every time DH & I went out on a date? MIL wanted to be taken out to dinner and a movie by my DH, too. Living in separate places was essential.

If you can make a multigenerational household work, then that's really awesome. But it's not a solution that would work for everyone. Doing so for our family really and truly would have been the end of my marriage.

 

[Darcy03231]

DH's parents are deceased and we live about 20 minutes from mine. We've been very lucky that they've been healthy and able to live on their own. Mom is 88 and Dad is 93. Luckily my brother lives next door (along with two adult grandchildren), my son and daughter live about half an hour away, and my sister and her family live about an hour away. There's been plenty of help when we've hit a few minor bumps. Long term plan is for my sister and BIL to move in with them if necessary, with the rest of us providing respite care.

 

[tvguy]

I don't know, I think about all the sleepless nights my mom had when I was a baby, including coming to see me every day in the hospital the first month of my life because I was a preemie, how she was always there for me, and then for my kids, the few times she needed me in her 90 years, I think I got the better end of the deal.

 

[georgina]

I don't know, I think about all the sleepless nights my mom had when I was a baby, including coming to see me every day in the hospital the first month of my life because I was a preemie, how she was always there for me, and then for my kids, the few times she needed me in her 90 years, I think I got the better end of the deal.

Would you feel differently if your mom hadn't always been there for you and your kids? My kids were much closer to my in-laws and my dad than my mom, who was not a warm person or capable of empathy toward her family. And yet several of us daughters spent time helping her after my dad died, hiring some daily caregivers for several years and finally moving her into assisted living near 3 of us when she was 95. There really isn't much of a choice, family is family.

 

[easyas123]

I can see both sides....my husbands parents are much like VandV described a few posts above, BUT my husband would not allow that type of behavior towards me so we have limited contact with them and other arrangements have been made for their needs as they age. We have a limited but cordial relationship with them and for my husbands sanity they haven't darked our doorstep for several years. We have a much different relationship with my parents, to the point that we keep a residence for them on our farm when they are up north. They are fairly young yet - 73 & 75, and enjoy good health and are very active in sports & traveling (although I do realize that anything can happen at any time - to any of us) so the status quo of them living in FL & us up here in MD is fine. When the time comes for us to move in a few years we will be buying a place that can accommodate them. I think we are lucky, we are a plain speaking family and that has made for very clear lines of communication to have developed over the years. I have two brothers, and the three of us AND my folks are all on the same page in terms of wants/needs/care as they get older.
In our specific situation I don't feel put upon to move them in with me and they won't feel pressured to do it unless they want to OR they are unable to make a coherent decision about it. I am not looking forward to it needing to happen, but my brothers have my back and will provide respite care and between the three of us we will take care of my folks unless we are medically unable to do so.

 

[tvguy]

Would you feel differently if your mom hadn't always been there for you and your kids? My kids were much closer to my in-laws and my dad than my mom, who was not a warm person or capable of empathy toward her family. And yet several of us daughters spent time helping her after my dad died, hiring some daily caregivers for several years and finally moving her into assisted living near 3 of us when she was 95. There really isn't much of a choice, family is family.

I have no idea. I can only speak from my experience. I know my MIL was not there for my wife. . She passed 25 years ago this month. Just didn't wake up one morning, no health issues known to us, just didn't wake up to go to work. So other than planning a funeral with no idea what she would have wanted, and settling her estate, she needed no care from us in her time on earth. But like you said, family is family and my wife still misses her even with all her quirks and issues.

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't know, I think about all the sleepless nights my mom had when I was a baby, including coming to see me every day in the hospital the first month of my life because I was a preemie, how she was always there for me, and then for my kids, the few times she needed me in her 90 years, I think I got the better end of the deal.

Respectfully, this sounds as if you're attempting to shame those of us who are feeling the strain of attending to the needs of elderly parents. I can tell you it can be a heavy load when you're a few years in, with multiple parents no less, and the needs are steady, ongoing and escalating. It's not easy, physically or emotionally, and feeling the burden isn't a character flaw.

 

[kdonnel]

Respectfully, this sounds as if you're attempting to shame those of us who are feeling the strain of attending to the needs of elderly parents. I can tell you it can be a heavy load when you're a few years in, with multiple parents no less, and the needs are steady, ongoing and escalating. It's not easy, physically or emotionally, and feeling the burden isn't a character flaw.

That’s why I hope I don’t become a burden. I hope I go to sleep one day while still independent and just don’t wake up.

I have made it clear to my kids and wife that their life comes first. If there is even a hint that I should be unplugged, unplug me. If I have Alzheimer’s or dementia, take me to the closest country that allows me to die with dignity.

 

[easyas123]

I have made it clear to my kids and wife that their life comes first. If there is even a hint that I should be unplugged, unplug me. If I have Alzheimer’s or dementia, take me to the closest country that allows me to die with dignity.

I echo this thought-it’s something my husband and I have talked about and agree with

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

That’s why I hope I don’t become a burden. I hope I go to sleep one day while still independent and just don’t wake up.

I have made it clear to my kids and wife that their life comes first. If there is even a hint that I should be unplugged, unplug me. If I have Alzheimer’s or dementia, take me to the closest country that allows me to die with dignity.

I get your sentiment, but you have to realize how unrealistic your last two sentences are. There is nothing to unplug for my dad. He just has a multitude of escalating health issues that is overwhelming my mom. Does he get a little confused sometimes? Sure. But since he can barely make it to his doctor's appointments I would love to know how we would get him to another country. Not that that's even a consideration at this time. We can manage a little bit of confusion. I'm also pretty certain he would like to meet his second grandchild that's due in March. My house isn't set up to accommodate his current needs (and I have the house I do because it met a lot of his needs at the time for when he was able to visit). Not to mention, trying to move him here would be a nightmare (just finding all new doctors would be a virtually insurmountable task). There is a vast swath of ground between healthy/independently mobile and ready to die. You're trying to way oversimplify an absolutely complicated situation a lot of us find ourselves in.

 

[kdonnel]

I get your sentiment, but you have to realize how unrealistic your last two sentences are. There is nothing to unplug for my dad. He just has a multitude of escalating health issues that is overwhelming my mom. Does he get a little confused sometimes? Sure. But since he can barely make it to his doctor's appointments I would love to know how we would get him to another country. Not that that's even a consideration at this time. We can manage a little bit of confusion. I'm also pretty certain he would like to meet his second grandchild that's due in March. My house isn't set up to accommodate his current needs (and I have the house I do because it met a lot of his needs at the time for when he was able to visit). Not to mention, trying to move him here would be a nightmare (just finding all new doctors would be a virtually insurmountable task). There is a vast swath of ground between healthy/independently mobile and ready to die. You're trying to way oversimplify an absolutely complicated situation a lot of us find ourselves in.

I’ve already been through it twice with my parents. I know how difficult it is, that is why I have spoken many times to my kids and wife about my desire to not be a burden.

I really wish there were more countries with die with dignity laws.

We can euthanize ours pets and give them dignity but we can’t do the same for our human family.

 

[cabanafrau]

That’s why I hope I don’t become a burden. I hope I go to sleep one day while still independent and just don’t wake up.

I have made it clear to my kids and wife that their life comes first. If there is even a hint that I should be unplugged, unplug me. If I have Alzheimer’s or dementia, take me to the closest country that allows me to die with dignity.

That's probably in line with how a majority of people feel. The reality is that quite often life is what happens when we're busy making plans, and it's rarely as tidy as we might envision it to be -- or as neatly sewn up as it might be presented in a discussion post.

The road gets a lot bumpier when there are medical issues that impede most functions of daily living, yet don't align with major health challenges faced by most seniors AND don't rise to the level to qualify for a nursing home placement, but requiring two people to handle many daily functions throughout the day and night. Throw in some health matters that stump even the specialists and you've got a party on that front. Just to make it interesting add in another household with a husband/wife who have always been difficult and demanding, throw in dementia, vision, hearing, mobility and heart issues with unexplained loss of consciousness. Mix in uncooperative and/or downright obstacle siblings into the mix just for laughs.

Maybe that's why it's offensive to suggest blithely that our parents took care of us when we were children, so it was only right to help them the few times they needed it in their golden years. Sometimes it doesn't work out that smoothly -- and it's infuriating to insinuate that if it's hard and overwhelming you're not a dutiful enough child to your parents. I'd be laying awake at night waiting for the universe to smack me down from that level of hubris and smugness.

 

[tvguy]

Respectfully, this sounds as if you're attempting to shame those of us who are feeling the strain of attending to the needs of elderly parents. I can tell you it can be a heavy load when you're a few years in, with multiple parents no less, and the needs are steady, ongoing and escalating. It's not easy, physically or emotionally, and feeling the burden isn't a character flaw.

Not at all trying to shame anyone. I just realize how lucky I was because my mom pre-planned everything she could about what to do and how to do it if she got ill. While she had long term care insurance, and her final wished written out and reviewed with me on an annual basis for 40 years, the unanticipated care needs that came up were overwhelming. So I can see where those with strained relations with their parents would have a much much harder time.