Sick to my stomach- VENT

[Sandy61]

As a former elementary school counselor, I think Jane's behavior is serious. If this were my DD friend, I would keep them apart. Ask the school to change Jane's locker and keep in touch with the teacher, counselor, or principal to make sure there are no continuing problems. I would not allow my DD to be friends with this girl at all, not even at my own home. I would tell DD to quietly say she can't be friends and then not hang out with the girl. Hopefully your DD's other friends will not be friends any longer with her either.

I know this sounds harsh to some people but Jane seems to have serious problems that a professional needs to handle. Keeping your DD away is the best thing you can do. This isn't something kindness from you or your daughter will be able to cure. Have DD invite the other girls over and keep them as a good group that she will be safe with for many years to come. All of them staying away will be best for them. The principal and counselor can recommend help for Jane.

 

[pigletto]

For those of you who have no idea why this was discussed with the school I am surprised. I send my child 8 hours a day to an environment were I entrust they will be protected. If I know for certain that there is a child in the midst who is displaying some scary and damaging behaviour and I want them kept away from my child, it only makes sense to give them a heads up.
I also think it allows them to better serve Jane, who clearly has something going on. Porn is not normal for 9 year olds, and it 's not ok to force another child to do something that they clearly have stated they don't want to do with violence and confinement. I wouldn't want this girl within 100 feet of my child ever again.. and the school would need to know why.
I don't make a habit of calling the school over home issues. The only time I had was for a little girl in our neighbourhood who was mercilessly teased and picked on at the park and our bus stop.
They would stop when they saw me coming, but many of the kids said it was horrible and my kids were very sad for her.
So I should have just let it go because it wasn't happening on school property? Do you think it stopped when she got there?
I think with children and serious issues it takes us to think like a community to help it stop instead of separating home and school in this way.

 

[TinaMcTeer]

I'm curious-after these separate incidents occured, did any of the girls call their parents and ask to be picked up, or did they stay the entire night? I'd want my DD to call me if she was in a bad situation, especially as she gets older and there are boys and parties happening. Other than that, as suggested you need to supervise their involvement with Jane and move on.

I have picked DD9 up early from a sleepover twice. I Have a kids cell phone that when any of our children go out they take the phone with them and if needs be call us on it. In any situation you want them to be prepaired. I told DD that even if she has to lock herself in the bathroom, call and we'll get her out of a bad situation.

 

[LisaR]

Thanks. I guess it seems that as a mother you can never do enough. Jane's grandmother found the adult content on the nook's history and remembers Jane and Lucy being in the closet when she spent the night. When confronted Jane busted into tears and admited to locking the girls in the closet. It happened over three seperate nights. My DD, Lucy and Marie are all very mild mannered. So I can see Jane doing this.

We've had issues with Jane over the last few years, pushed DD in a stream on their property in 35 degree weather, yelling at DD when Jane doesn't get her way and pushed DD twice on a school field trip just to name a few. We have always let it be DD decision if she wanted to be friends with this girl and now we are having to put our foot down. They are in the same class and she shares a locker with Jane. I don't want any retaliation from Jane to go towards DD.

Thanks for the replies everyone! I did not tell the school, Lucy's mom did. We live in a very small town and the principle likes to be kept aware of major issues that are happening outside of school so the teachers can keep an eye out and maybe stop a problem before it starts. Jane has had in school suspension probably more times than she has been in class. Last school year she was suspended from school three times for her behavior. I know Jane lives with her grandmother because there is no room for her to live with her mother and her 6 brothers and sisters. She is the oldest so she was the one who was shipped off to grandmas. The school is offering an hour a week for her to see a therapist.

Knowing what you knew about Jane including her temper, constant suspensions, and problems at home, I have to say I think you were wrong to allow your DD to spend the night at her house. At 9, your DD doesn't get to make those decisions. It falls on you. Allowing Jane to come over to play while you are there to supervise is one thing. Sleepovers at her house? Not! This girl seems to be on a destructive path and while I feel sorry for someone so young to be so troubled, I would keep my child out of harms way. It's over. Lesson learned. Don't make it into a bigger issue than it is but learn from it. Teach your DD to speak up when inappropriate things happen and make it clear she needs to call home immediately when things aren't going well.

 

[TinaMcTeer]

For those of you who have no idea why this was discussed with the school I am surprised. I send my child 8 hours a day to an environment were I entrust they will be protected. If I know for certain that there is a child in the midst who is displaying some scary and damaging behaviour and I want them kept away from my child, it only makes sense to give them a heads up.
I also think it allows them to better serve Jane, who clearly has something going on. Porn is not normal for 9 year olds, and it 's not ok to force another child to do something that they clearly have stated they don't want to do with violence and confinement. I wouldn't want this girl within 100 feet of my child ever again.. and the school would need to know why.
I don't make a habit of calling the school over home issues. The only time I had was for a little girl in our neighbourhood who was mercilessly teased and picked on at the park and our bus stop.
They would stop when they saw me coming, but many of the kids said it was horrible and my kids were very sad for her.
So I should have just let it go because it wasn't happening on school property? Do you think it stopped when she got there?
I think with children and serious issues it takes us to think like a community to help it stop instead of separating home and school in this way.

OP here. This is the way our school system is set up. Its a small group of kids. Less than 200 kids in 4th grade. The principle wants to be aware of these things. I am not as concerned that she may of seen adult stuff, I know she'll come across some sometime or another. It was the method that she came across it that bothers me. I am have already called and asked them to switch her locker.

 

[DipsyDoodles]

Knowing what you knew about Jane including her temper, constant suspensions, and problems at home, I have to say I think you were wrong to allow your DD to spend the night at her house. At 9, your DD doesn't get to make those decisions. It falls on you. Allowing Jane to come over to play while you are there to supervise is one thing. Sleepovers at her house? Not! This girl seems to be on a destructive path and while I feel sorry for someone so young to be so troubled, I would keep my child out of harms way. It's over. Lesson learned. Don't make it into a bigger issue than it is but learn from it. Teach your DD to speak up when inappropriate things happen and make it clear she needs to call home immediately when things aren't going well.

PERFECT! Exactly my thoughts. Another thought, sleepovers at 9 years old should be with close family friends. If you don't know the parents, I wouldn't allow my child to sleepover. If it's with a group of friends and friend of mine knows the family and assures me they are ok than I may. That's just me...but 9 is still young and you are entrusting your child with a stranger for a sleepover, that just doesn't seem right.

 

[TinaMcTeer]

Knowing what you knew about Jane including her temper, constant suspensions, and problems at home, I have to say I think you were wrong to allow your DD to spend the night at her house. At 9, your DD doesn't get to make those decisions. It falls on you. Allowing Jane to come over to play while you are there to supervise is one thing. Sleepovers at her house? Not! This girl seems to be on a destructive path and while I feel sorry for someone so young to be so troubled, I would keep my child out of harms way. It's over. Lesson learned. Don't make it into a bigger issue than it is but learn from it. Teach your DD to speak up when inappropriate things happen and make it clear she needs to call home immediately when things aren't going well.

I have always tried to teach My DD that you have to deal with people that you may have issues with. The two times I picked her up from her sleepovers there were both just personality issues between the two. Yes Jane was mean to DD, but over the last few months it seemed that she had not had any issues, even the teachers had noticed a marked improvement in her behavior. She was treating DD the way a friend should. So when DD asked, I told her that is was her decision. If Jane had not improved then she would not have had the sleepover. She did go about 7 months of no Jane before and now she'll be Jane free again, this time by her own decision!

 

[TinaMcTeer]

PERFECT! Exactly my thoughts. Another thought, sleepovers at 9 years old should be with close family friends. If you don't know the parents, I wouldn't allow my child to sleepover. If it's with a group of friends and friend of mine knows the family and assures me they are ok than I may. That's just me...but 9 is still young and you are entrusting your child with a stranger for a sleepover, that just doesn't seem right.

Its not like we are strangers. I know Jane's grandmother, she is a very nice lady. Jane... not so much!

 

[angwill]

I am puzzled about one thing...You can not watch videos on a Kindle so I would think it is the same with the nook nor can you watch movies online. So how the heck could the girl force other girls to watch graphic porn on her nook if it is not possible?

 

[TinaMcTeer]

I am puzzled about one thing...You can not watch videos on a Kindle so I would think it is the same with the nook nor can you watch movies online. So how the heck could the girl force other girls to watch graphic porn on her nook if it is not possible?

It was a nook tablet that she got for Christmas. It can access movies and without parental controls on she can watch anything she wants.

 

[luvthemouse71]

Jane sounds emotionally disturbed and she's a bully. I would not let my child near her. Your job as a parent is to protect your child.. The school needs to be notified in case her behavior escalates. This is not normal 9 year old behavior. This kid needs serious psychological help.

 

[maxiesmom]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I did not tell the school, Lucy's mom did. We live in a very small town and the principle likes to be kept aware of major issues that are happening outside of school so the teachers can keep an eye out and maybe stop a problem before it starts. Jane has had in school suspension probably more times than she has been in class. Last school year she was suspended from school three times for her behavior. I know Jane lives with her grandmother because there is no room for her to live with her mother and her 6 brothers and sisters. She is the oldest so she was the one who was shipped off to grandmas. The school is offering an hour a week for her to see a therapist.

Can I ask why you say you live in a small town, yet list Grand Rapids as your home? GRap is not a small town. You are very close to me actually.

 

[a1tinkfans]

IMHO
You talked to your daughter, explained what is expected of her and what she should and should not expect from friends...to me, thats the end of it. You did right.....
as far as the others....
getting a school principal involved, and adults all gabbing about it, is wrong.
The school had no business knowing this information..it did not happen there.
By NOTIFYING the school, "talking" about it amongst the parents...(lest I say gossiping) is wrong on more than one level....
To talk about things that allegedly happened, can lead to a very slippery slope (have an umbrella policy to cover possible slander for instance....)

why make this childs life any more difficult than it already is...she apparently has some anger/control issues and lets hope she gets/getting Help....
Id say remove yourself from the situation and move forward away from it....

 

[jackie101]

I would be furious. We do not allow sleepovers and this has just made me feel much better about our decision

 

[Leajess99]

Thanks. I guess it seems that as a mother you can never do enough. Jane's grandmother found the adult content on the nook's history and remembers Jane and Lucy being in the closet when she spent the night. When confronted Jane busted into tears and admited to locking the girls in the closet. It happened over three seperate nights. My DD, Lucy and Marie are all very mild mannered. So I can see Jane doing this.

We've had issues with Jane over the last few years, pushed DD in a stream on their property in 35 degree weather, yelling at DD when Jane doesn't get her way and pushed DD twice on a school field trip just to name a few. We have always let it be DD decision if she wanted to be friends with this girl and now we are having to put our foot down. They are in the same class and she shares a locker with Jane. I don't want any retaliation from Jane to go towards DD.

Why would you allow your child to go to a sleepover with a child like this?? Sorry your child was yet again victimized but really, in the future maybe realize that if the child is already bullying your child than maybe a sleepover is not the safest.

 

[Kellydelly]

I am puzzled about one thing...You can not watch videos on a Kindle so I would think it is the same with the nook nor can you watch movies online. So how the heck could the girl force other girls to watch graphic porn on her nook if it is not possible?

My daughter has a Nook Color, (not one of the new tablets) and she can watch videos and movies on it.

I would keep your daughter from visiting this girl's home, it looks like she is not well supervised by her grandmother. Not sure if I would have involved the school, I hate to see kids caught up in scandals at such a young age. Hopefully the grandmother has a handle on what to do with this girl, besides taking the Nook away.

 

[Leajess99]

I don't know why you involved the principal about the porn however. First it is not the schools business and should not involve them. If Jane is mean to the girls at school then that can be discussed with the principal but why something that happened outside of school. Jane is a little girl with issues so no need to make life harder for her by slandering her to everyone. Let it be now.

I did not understand this either. The school has no control over what happens at sleepovers and should not be brought into things like that. Heck, they have enough to do and should not have to parent kids on top of teach them.

As for those "forced" to watch porn, it may be necessary for the parents to really talk to these children and offer counseling if they are interested.

 

[TinaMcTeer]

Can I ask why you say you live in a small town, yet list Grand Rapids as your home? GRap is not a small town. You are very close to me actually.

I am actually in Whitehall, Mi. Just north of Muskegon. So Grand Rapids is the closest large metro area to me. Sorry for any confusion.

As far as us gossiping about the situation with the other parents, I have not talked to them except for talking to Lucy's mother last night. She let me know of the situation that I was unaware of that potentially included my daughter. I am happy she called me because I had not known about this situation.

 

[Cindy B]

I am puzzled about one thing...You can not watch videos on a Kindle so I would think it is the same with the nook nor can you watch movies online. So how the heck could the girl force other girls to watch graphic porn on her nook if it is not possible?

I can watch videos and download content on my Kindle Fire.

 

[angwill]

It was a nook tablet that she got for Christmas. It can access movies and without parental controls on she can watch anything she wants.

I had no clue that an e-reader could do that.