Sick to my stomach- VENT

[TinaMcTeer]

Last night I received a phone call from a mother of DD9's friends. She had found out last week that my DD and two of her friends (lets call them Lucy and marie), had all spent the night seperatly at a girls house we'll call Jane. Well during these sleepovers Jane had looked up adult material on her new nook she got for Christmas. When she tried to show the girls, they didn't want to see it. Jane then spit in their face, pulled their hair and kicked them. She shoved them in the closet and baracaded the door and MADE them watch this filth! These videos she made them watch were very graphic. All parents are involved now and have talked to the principle of their school. Janes Grandmother, whom she lives with, took away the nook as her punishment.

I talked to my DD9 and she says that when Jane tried to show her the videos she said she didn't want to watch, and that Jane just let her go. But I remember that when she came home the day after she spent the night she said she didn't want to ever go over there again. That Jane had been mean but gave no further detail. So I think that this happened to her as well.

I know that Jane has issues but being 9 years old and pulling stuff like this is serious. I am at wits end as to handle this.

 

[okeydokey]

I think you have already handled it. You have spoken to your DD about it. Jane is being punished. If you want to keep your DD from going to Jane's house from now on, that would be the end of it.

I am trying to imagine one girl keeping three other girls hostage and forcing all their eyes on the little screen of the nook. I'm not sure anyone knows the true story here.

 

[Lucky4me]

Yes that is very upsetting.
But it's over. What else can you do besides what you have? Keep her away from the girl then forget it, move on. Allow your dd to move on and stop talking about it, to anyone.
If you notice any change in your dd's behavior, then is the time to talk more about it. Otherwise-move on.

I found out when my boys were in their 20's that they watched porn at a friends house when they were nine and ten. I had no clue. They turned out quite normal and well adjusted, so while I was shocked when they told me, it's not the end of the world.

 

[it's kelly]

It was mentioned that all 3 girls spent the night seperately, so I'm guessing it was 'Jane' and 1 other girl?
I think you've handled this as best as you can and I hope Jane gets more help then just taking away her Nook.

 

[pigletto]

I am not sure what you can do but I too would be horrified. Assuming that the whole story is true this child has SERIOUS problems and taking her Nook away is not even going to skim the surface.
I am trying to think what I would do in a similar situation and I can't even imagine

 

[TinaMcTeer]

Thanks. I guess it seems that as a mother you can never do enough. Jane's grandmother found the adult content on the nook's history and remembers Jane and Lucy being in the closet when she spent the night. When confronted Jane busted into tears and admited to locking the girls in the closet. It happened over three seperate nights. My DD, Lucy and Marie are all very mild mannered. So I can see Jane doing this.

We've had issues with Jane over the last few years, pushed DD in a stream on their property in 35 degree weather, yelling at DD when Jane doesn't get her way and pushed DD twice on a school field trip just to name a few. We have always let it be DD decision if she wanted to be friends with this girl and now we are having to put our foot down. They are in the same class and she shares a locker with Jane. I don't want any retaliation from Jane to go towards DD.

 

[Zim]

Just for the fact that this child seems so retaliatory, I would consider a request to the school to give them separate lockers. If you are putting your foot down regarding this friendship (and I would be too), that at least gives some additional physical distance so your daughter doesn't feel as worried about the repercussions of breaking ties. Especially since I'm getting the vibe that this girl is all sweet and friendly until she simply doesn't want to be.

 

[angwill]

Thanks. I guess it seems that as a mother you can never do enough. Jane's grandmother found the adult content on the nook's history and remembers Jane and Lucy being in the closet when she spent the night. When confronted Jane busted into tears and admited to locking the girls in the closet. It happened over three seperate nights. My DD, Lucy and Marie are all very mild mannered. So I can see Jane doing this.

We've had issues with Jane over the last few years, pushed DD in a stream on their property in 35 degree weather, yelling at DD when Jane doesn't get her way and pushed DD twice on a school field trip just to name a few. We have always let it be DD decision if she wanted to be friends with this girl and now we are having to put our foot down. They are in the same class and she shares a locker with Jane. I don't want any retaliation from Jane to go towards DD.

It sounds like Jane has some impulse issues and may have at some point been exosed to porn. There is not much you can do for Jane. As for your daughter as long as you talked to her and limit her dealings with Jane there is nothing else you can do but move on.

I don't know why you involved the principal about the porn however. First it is not the schools business and should not involve them. If Jane is mean to the girls at school then that can be discussed with the principal but why something that happened outside of school. Jane is a little girl with issues so no need to make life harder for her by slandering her to everyone. Let it be now.

 

[ceecee]

It sounds like Jane has some impulse issues and may have at some point been exosed to porn. There is not much you can do for Jane. As for your daughter as long as you talked to her and limit her dealings with Jane there is nothing else you can do but move on.

I don't know why you involved the principal about the porn however. First it is not the schools business and should not involve them. If Jane is mean to the girls at school then that can be discussed with the principal but why something that happened outside of school. Jane is a little girl with issues so no need to make life harder for her by slandering her to everyone. Let it be now.

I agree, you've done what you can. Her grandmother took away the Nook and at 9 friendships can change on their own. Just don't let your DD go to her house or have "Jane" come to yours, maybe she could use a little stability. When my DD was in 3rd grade she met a new girl to the school (with different values and way of life than DD and her friends) and quickly became fast friends with her, I didn't exactly like it but let them go places in groups or we had her over to our house where I could keep an eye on them. She moved away in 6th grade. DD and her friends still speak of her from time to time.

 

[angierae]

I would definitely not want my child sharing a locker with Jane. The hitting and locking them in the closet is pretty awful behavior and I wouldn't want my kids around her, either.

As for the porn? I remember being not much older than that, and a friend sneaking into her parent's bedroom to pull out her dad's playboys and show them to me. And that was long before the internet. There's always going to be a kid in a group that discovers sex and wants to share it around. I'd like to think I turned out okay, anyway.

 

[nchulka]

I don't know why you involved the principal about the porn however. First it is not the schools business and should not involve them. If Jane is mean to the girls at school then that can be discussed with the principal but why something that happened outside of school.

I agree, I have no idea why this incident would be told to the school I have a 9 year old daughter. If this happened to her I would be pretty ticked. I would also use it as a learning experience to talk to her about how there are some people (even kids) who do some really bad things, and what she could have done differently to get herself out of a bad situation. Things like yelling for the grandmother and calling you to take her home. I would talk about not staying around if someone is doing something bad just because you feel uncomfortable asking (or screaming) to leave. I would not allow her to play with Jane again, but I would also tell her not to go around telling others about the things Jane did. I would tell her to avoid Jane completely. I'd probably ask about what specifically she "saw" and answer any questions she had honestly. Then I would drop it, dwelling on it will only perpetuate it. What happened to her was bad, but not horrendously terrible, the quicker it's forgotten the better.

 

[TinaMcTeer]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I did not tell the school, Lucy's mom did. We live in a very small town and the principle likes to be kept aware of major issues that are happening outside of school so the teachers can keep an eye out and maybe stop a problem before it starts. Jane has had in school suspension probably more times than she has been in class. Last school year she was suspended from school three times for her behavior. I know Jane lives with her grandmother because there is no room for her to live with her mother and her 6 brothers and sisters. She is the oldest so she was the one who was shipped off to grandmas. The school is offering an hour a week for her to see a therapist.

 

[EllenFrasier]

I do feel sorry for Jane. She is obviously acting out because of things she is feeling inside. I hope the therapist can help.

I would ask that the locker be switched only because of what is going on. She may decide to damage some of your dd's things or steal them as retaliation. If you switch it now, before something happens, it would be best.

I would encourage your dd and her friends to still treat Jane as they always have - play with her on the playground, be polite, etc. but the visits to her home would end.

 

[mommycrawford]

This kind of thing has become prevalent, and I attended a workshop by Common Sense Media that really was informative! They have a website that might be of help.

I feel sorry for the provocative girl, but you should just protect your child....You never want to wish you had! The line is so blurry between real harm and images...advertising has exposed them to so much already! (Remember when Maadonna was shocking!)

It's very sad, but children are resilient! Just keep an open dialogue, because things sometimes come up later.

 

[CTdiznymom]

I'm curious-after these separate incidents occured, did any of the girls call their parents and ask to be picked up, or did they stay the entire night? I'd want my DD to call me if she was in a bad situation, especially as she gets older and there are boys and parties happening. Other than that, as suggested you need to supervise their involvement with Jane and move on.

 

[ccgirl]

Last night I received a phone call from a mother of DD9's friends. She had found out last week that my DD and two of her friends (lets call them Lucy and marie), had all spent the night seperatly at a girls house we'll call Jane. Well during these sleepovers Jane had looked up adult material on her new nook she got for Christmas. When she tried to show the girls, they didn't want to see it. Jane then spit in their face, pulled their hair and kicked them. She shoved them in the closet and baracaded the door and MADE them watch this filth! These videos she made them watch were very graphic. All parents are involved now and have talked to the principle of their school. Janes Grandmother, whom she lives with, took away the nook as her punishment.

I talked to my DD9 and she says that when Jane tried to show her the videos she said she didn't want to watch, and that Jane just let her go. But I remember that when she came home the day after she spent the night she said she didn't want to ever go over there again. That Jane had been mean but gave no further detail. So I think that this happened to her as well.

I know that Jane has issues but being 9 years old and pulling stuff like this is serious. I am at wits end as to handle this.

First, not sure why the school was notified. This did not occur during school or on school property.

Secondly, I would not let my DD over there at all. It sounds like Jane has some deep seeded issues. I tell my DD, "hurt children hurt". I know it's not an excuse but with the family dynamics it sounds like she has already been through her share of loss. I hope the grandmother is seeking help for her.

 

[timmac]

I found out when my boys were in their 20's that they watched porn at a friends house when they were nine and ten. I had no clue. They turned out quite normal and well adjusted, so while I was shocked when they told me, it's not the end of the world.

In general, I'd guess this is probably a lot more common than parents might like to believe.

For the OP, this "friend" sounds like a winner, but as others have said, it's already been dealt with, let it be now. DD already isn't interested in hanging out with this friend, and I can't imagine you want her hanging out with Jane anyway, so you're both on the same page, which makes that easy

Though, I do have to say that I'm not quite sure why the principal of the school was called... it's an incident that had nothing to do with school.

 

[ccgirl]

While I would agree that watching "porn" is "normal" for some...it is not "normal" for all. I think the forcing someone else to watch it is HUGE issue, along with locking someone in the closet. I would be more concerned with the latter two issues.

 

[timmac]

While I would agree that watching "porn" is "normal" for some...it is not "normal" for all. I think the forcing someone else to watch it is HUGE issue, along with locking someone in the closet. I would be more concerned with the latter two issues.

Agree with this completely... I should have been more clear in what I said. I only meant that the seeing of porn probably doesn't mean the child is scarred for life. The other issues, however, yeah, huge problems indeed.

 

[momof3ds]

I'm willing to bet that Jane has more issues than just too many kids in her house. If she is physically acting out in the ways you described, it is likely that she has (and could currently be experiencing) been physically and/or sexually abused.

I would request separate lockers.