Sibling Fighting That Never Ever Stops

[DVCLiz]

Must be because DD11 and DD2 fight.

Oh, well in that case, it definitely WAS my fabulous parenting!!!!!

Do yours really fight in the same way most of these other posters' kids do? Because I can see this kind of sibling squabbling, even out and out hostility, in kids who are pretty similar in age, but if that's going on with an 11 year old and a 2 year old, I'd think something else was happening. I wouldn't let an 11 year be that verbally abusive to a toddler.

 

[jrmasm]

no, the 11 year old is not verbally abusive to her sister. She does bug and pick at her though which drives me up the wall. After she picks, her sister shrieks. And her sister is 2 so sometimes you just can't win with her. First she wants help then she doesn't etc.

 

[va32h]

Well, thank you for the sympathy, and I will go look for that book in the library.

It's getting frustrating because my son is now also turning his anger at the big sister to the little sister (3). Except that my youngest is not the kind to cry when her brother is mean to her, she's the type to fight back - literally!

I seriously thought about auditioning for Supernanny when they had an open call in Plano. That is how desperate I am!

My adult siblings and I have very good relationships, and one think I am going to do is ask my older sister to spend some time with dd10 and talk to her about what it means to be a big sister. There are a lot of things my big sis has done, not just for me, but our whole family.

I also like the idea of making them stand outside, but I think the neighbors might call CPS on me!

 

[XYSRUS]

Here's the solution in my house with 4 boys. It's not easy by any means, either. I set up the kids to look at the wall....for hours, if neccesary. If they fight too, they get to be my best friend until they stop. They can't be more than 2or 3 ft away from at all times. They get to help me do dishes, clean, watcch my TV, change diapers, pay bills etc. I don't have much trouble anymore. I will not allow the disrespect for one another. You wouldn't talk to a stranger like that! Good luck!

 

[DVCLiz]

no, the 11 year old is not verbally abusive to her sister. She does bug and pick at her though which drives me up the wall. After she picks, her sister shrieks. And her sister is 2 so sometimes you just can't win with her. First she wants help then she doesn't etc.

Ah, the joys of two!!!! I was at Target yesterday and witnessed a full out two year old temper tantrum - the poor mom finally just scooped him up and left the store.

Now if you want to really talk about sibling fighting, my brother and I were classic. We were twins, so literally EVERYTHING happened at the same time for us. Birthday parties, driver's licenses, choosing colleges, etc. all done at exactly the same time. And we had a single parent (our dad had died when we were two) so we were competing for the attention of one single working mom. We really almost hated each other at times.

Now, though, we are much closer. Our parents have died and we both feel like we're the only relative the other has left, so we'd better treat each other better. So don't give up hope!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

no, the 11 year old is not verbally abusive to her sister. She does bug and pick at her though which drives me up the wall. After she picks, her sister shrieks. And her sister is 2 so sometimes you just can't win with her. First she wants help then she doesn't etc.

No way would anyone ever 'bug and pick' on a two year old of mine. Not even a family member. Not appropriate or acceptable. I agree with DVCliz.

A two year old is a baby.
There is never any excuse for anyone of any age to be antagonistic with a baby like that.

If the baby is 'shrieking', then that is at least borderline abusive.

 

[jrmasm]

you know what, no one asked you.

 

[slo]

My girls are 8 and 3 and they are pretty good with each other.

When my 8yr old does start picking on my 3 year old, I simply say to my 3 year old, "Come here by Mommy. We don't associatie with people that act that way." My 3yr old than immediately comes to me, and my 8yr old shapes up right away. She doesn't want to be known as "one of those people", but the truth hurts sometimes. If she's acting poorly, than she needs to know about it. I don't want her growing up thinking that it's okay to act like that, and then become and adult that acts like that.

Another thing that I do, is constantly remind my 8yr old that her and her sister are going to be together forever through good times and bad. And for that reason, they should love each other and be respectful towards each other. One day my 8yr old came home from school and wasn't nice to my 3yr old - when I scolded her for her behavior she said to me, "I'm upset because my friends at school were mean to me today." I told her that I can understand her upsetness, but then she needs to embrace her sister more than push her away, because of the love they have for each other. I told her that if she pushes her sister away, than that's one more person that will be upset with her, and she should not have that in her own home. This is a place for love, not hate. She than cried and started hugging her sister and told her she loved her.

I can understand some bickering between my girls - it's going to happen. But I try to make them understand when the bickering is over how silly there battle was and what can be done next time to avoid it.

Good luck, and I hope everything gets better between your kids

 

[ekball]

Here's the solution in my house with 4 boys. It's not easy by any means, either. I set up the kids to look at the wall....for hours, if neccesary. If they fight too, they get to be my best friend until they stop. They can't be more than 2or 3 ft away from at all times. They get to help me do dishes, clean, watcch my TV, change diapers, pay bills etc. I don't have much trouble anymore. I will not allow the disrespect for one another. You wouldn't talk to a stranger like that! Good luck!

Oh my - how I LOVE this 'punishment'! I'll have to tuck the "best friend" tip in the back of my mind for the days when I need it. This is GREAT! Good for you XYSRUS - great parenting!

 

[andromedaslove]

No way would anyone ever 'bug and pick' on a two year old of mine. Not even a family member. Not appropriate or acceptable. I agree with DVCliz.

A two year old is a baby.
There is never any excuse for anyone of any age to be antagonistic with a baby like that.

If the baby is 'shrieking', then that is at least borderline abusive.

Well, I have a two year old, who is borderline abusive to his 5 yr old brother. I am in a constant battle to teach him that it is NOT okay to hit, or scratch, or kick, or bite, or pull people's hair. And you know what?! When the 5 year old starts picking on or aggravating him, well to be honest he kind of deserves it. My oldest son was the "perfect" child. I have never had any trouble of any kind with him AT ALL. I really thought that was a definate sign that I was a good parent and could raise exceptionally good children. Then I had my youngest. He is mean, he was born mean. I love him, but he is just not a nice cuddly sweet baby. When my 5 year old picks I still get onto him and explain that we don't treat people that wa, but it doesn't mean it is just going to stop. And as for shrieking, why don't you come stay at my house for just one night. 2 yr olds shreik on a constant basis, wether they are being 'bugged and picked' on or not. All I have to do is look at him the wrong way and he screams bloody murder. It's like having a mini teenager.

Dana

 

[Lorix2]

Time for you to implement....HUG THERAPY....

Seriously I was at the point you are. DH and I couldn't take it, we were constantly yelling at dd...it was awful.

So one day I just started hugging the kids and then when dd "starts" I hug her and make her hug sibling.
I am talking chasing the kids down and hugging them....hugs, hugs, and more hugs....

Sounds crazy, right? Well after a period of time...it "calmed" the house.
Look for other ways to "calm" your house as well. Turn off TV's, electronics, etc...Have quiet time in your home.

Now my dd's are 15 & 10....I am so glad I can HUG (most of the time , afterall she is a TEEN)...

I guess bottom line is that people that lash out are hurting, insecure, etc...so feed the need that may be there.
Don't "feed" the monster so much.

I'm going to try this with DD14 and DS9 who yell the most spiteful things to each other like "I hope you die!" "I wish someone would kidnap you" and it KILLS me to hear this stuff, so I yell, punish and lecture when everyone's calm.

I think you hit the nail on the head with how they lash out when feeling hurt or insecure, bored, whatever...I like they way you think because when they are acting like that, there's no way I want to hug them! Now, I'm confident that this will help and I'm committed to "hug therapy". Hi, my name is Lori and I'm about to become a constant "hugger"

Thanks Mystery Hope this will help the OP too.

 

[NMAmy]

If the baby is 'shrieking', then that is at least borderline abusive.

I have to respectfully disagree.

My niece has the same age difference with two of her kids. I've sat there and watched this--the 11 yo is playing with something the 2 yo cannot have due to her age. He tells her no. He even said it nicely. The 2 yo proceeds to shriek until her mother comes in the room. No abuse is involved but a shriek is the quickest way to get Mom in there. Mom realizes what is going on and gets the 2 yo something age appropriate to play with.

To the OP--This is why dd is an only child. My younger sister and I fought constantly growing up--we still do, in fact, at 43 and 40. I didn't want to go through it all again. I'm the only one around for dd to argue with and, well, I'm mature enough to ignore it or deal with it. I do remember my mom threatening to send us to boarding school.

 

[mrsmom]

My kids are 20,14,12.9 and they all constantly fight , Sometimes i just want to hide from it, I have tried everything but they may get along someday! I hope .LOL
Kim

 

[Mono~rail]

This reminds me of the episode of The Cosby Show where Rudy and Vanessa were at each others' throats constantly fighting. Mr. Heathcliff Huxtable was so fed up with their fighting and disrupting the family that he made them move down into the basement! After a few days, Rudy and Vanessa made up and got along wonderfully!

 

[Wishing on a star]

NMAmy,

Ohhh, of course two year olds can let out ear-splitting shreiks. That is sometimes just a part of the so-called terrible twos and the occasional temper-tantrum. I totally agree with you on your scenario.

I was speaking in specifically to the situation where somebody else is actually bothering and harassing a little two year old baby, as was described in the one post. I have a real problem with that. No excuse for antagonizing a little two year old. None at all. They can 'shreik' more than enough without being harassed.

There is a big difference in a two year old shreiking because they are told 'no' and a two year old being caused to shreik because somebody is 'bugging and picking on them'.

 

[jrmasm]

I have a real problem with that.

And I have a problem with someone reading about 10 words and assuming that they know what the situation is. Seriously, in this case you have no idea what you're talking about.

My response to DVCLiz was short and flip. It does not tell the whole story. I intended it that way. It's one heck of a leap to go from kid 1 bugging kid 2 to abuse.

 

[Wishing on a star]

True!!! You are right, I do not know the whole situation.

I am sorry if I did indeed take your comments the wrong way!

However, you did post that the 11 year old bugged and picked at the little two year old. That seemed pretty self-explanatory to me. I did not take it as a flip "my two kids bug the heck out of each other" type of comment.

 

[NMAmy]

I was speaking in specifically to the situation where somebody else is actually bothering and harassing a little two year old baby, as was described in the one post. I have a real problem with that. No excuse for antagonizing a little two year old. None at all. They can 'shreik' more than enough without being harassed.

There is a big difference in a two year old shreiking because they are told 'no' and a two year old being caused to shreik because somebody is 'bugging and picking on them'.

While my great nephew is, of course, exceptional , I'm sure he has his moments of antagonizing his younger sisters. He is a teaser but he loves them. I'm sure the poster you were talking about has the same thing going on. Not child abuse but siblings picking at each other. That's the way I took that post, anyway.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My kids bicker and annoy eachother, and occasionally it gets physical, but when it does we always stop the madness and sit down and "chat" about how lucky we are to have eachother, how every moment we have together is a gift, and what it would feel like if we didn't have eachother, or the nice life that we do, etc. Then we hug and tell eachother how much we love eachother, and apologize for anything we've done that needs apologizing for (that includes me and DH). My kids watched me battle cancer two years ago and know very well that life as they know it can turn on a dime. Obviously, it's not something we dwell on, but it's not something we forget, either. It helps us all keep things in perspective when things get ridiculous.

I know nobody wants to scare their kids, but what about some volunteer time in a hospital or homeless shelter? Even an animal shelter. I think our kids don't always know how good they have it, and a lesson in humility wouldn't hurt one little bit, and could in fact help them become more sensitive to the pain and suffering of others around us. I work in a hospital so my kids see what goes on there, and we spend time in animal shelters (still too young to volunteer, but it's on the horizon for them). There is a homeless shelter in our town in which one of their classmates lives. We can't go in but we drive by a lot and talk about how life might be for the people living there. Just a thought.

 

[sacall]

First of all , I know how you feel. I have two DDs - 10 and 8. When DD 10 hit 5th grade, things really got bad. She just has turned really nasty. I think part of the problem are those raging hormones Here are some things that I have done that have helped calm our house down.

1. Hit them in the wallet - we have monthly allowance of $10 and $5 - I have taken away the monthly allowance due to too much fighting. For my older DD, that really makes her think.

2. Taken away all electronics- no TV, no computer, no gameboy, no playstation, etc. Nothing at all. We once had a small party at our house with some other friends and their kids. My two girls were so bad, they lost all electronics for a solid week. I made them read and play board games every night. It really helped calm down our house. After that, we limited their electronics to less then 1 hour a night (unless they need it for homework). It really has helped.

3. I make them write down 5 nice things about each other in a notebook.

I like the idea of hugging - I think I might try that on my girls. Just to let you know, my one brother (I had 4), who was only two years younger than me - we would fight like cats and dogs. I know it used to drive my mother insane Now, we get along really well. So, there is hope.

Stacy