Sibling Fighting That Never Ever Stops

[va32h]

My daughter, 10 and my son, 6 fight constantly. I mean every blessed minute that they are awake. It starts as soon as they get up and doesn't end until one of them falls asleep.

My daughter is just truly hateful to her brother. Her behavior really is shameful. He used to be very deferential to her and would do anything to be in her good graces, but she is continually mean and spiteful to him, so now he just doesn't care anymore and is mean right back.

I have tried discussing it calmly, I have tried separating them, I have tried punishing and time outs and taking things away and they just never, ever stop. NOTHING makes them stop.

It is driving me crazy. I honestly cannot even bear to be around my own children.

Has anyone had a situation like this and is there anything that can be done to just make them stop fighting?

 

[EthansMom]

Coal in her stocking? (sorry, I couldn't resist)

Edited to add: In all honesty, I would start treating her the way she treats others. If she wants to be treated well (taken to friends' birthday parties, get rewards, go to the movies, basically anything beyond food, shelter, clothing, and school), then she needs to earn the priviledges.

 

[nealymouse]

I live in your shoes. My DD 13 hates my DD 12. Its really hard. There are days I just want to hide in my room they fight so bad.

DD 13 is starting therpy in Jan

 

[PirateKitty]

I'm 32. My brothers are 26, 28 & 30. We still fight.

 

[dbal]

I don't know if I have any advice, but I can definitely relate! My dd 8 has nothing nice to say to her sister who is 5. -- EVER!!

She is high functioning autistic, and it is really heartbreaking to watch our 5 year old constantly be beaten down verbally for really only wanting a relationship w/ her sister. I know it won't be long until she starts reacting like your son. I can't say I blame her.

It does make day to day life very hard to deal with though. I think we are really going to have to see a behavioral therapist . I too have tried various methods and I am at my wits end. It wears you down and I know at least in my case, I'm not the best mom I could be to them. Sometimes, I feel there are days when the only interaction I have w/ them is refereeing and punishing them.

Good luck and know you are not alone.

 

[Lisa L from MI]

Well, it hasn't stopped here.....DD's are 13 and 10 and fight CONSTANTLY too!!!! Drives me nuts!! I know EXACTLY how you feel. I truly don't remember it being that bad between my younger sister and I either (same age difference too).

Good luck....and remember you are NOT alone!!!

 

[petrymom]

I feel your pain - DS (11) and DD (7) fight all day long. I really think it is a hobby for them to fight just to see mom get irritated. Unfortunately, it works!!!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Time for you to implement....HUG THERAPY....

Seriously I was at the point you are. DH and I couldn't take it, we were constantly yelling at dd...it was awful.

So one day I just started hugging the kids and then when dd "starts" I hug her and make her hug sibling.
I am talking chasing the kids down and hugging them....hugs, hugs, and more hugs....

Sounds crazy, right? Well after a period of time...it "calmed" the house.
Look for other ways to "calm" your house as well. Turn off TV's, electronics, etc...Have quiet time in your home.

Now my dd's are 15 & 10....I am so glad I can HUG (most of the time , afterall she is a TEEN)...

I guess bottom line is that people that lash out are hurting, insecure, etc...so feed the need that may be there.
Don't "feed" the monster so much.

 

[msdznyduck]

The only reason DD16 and DS18 aren't fighting is because DS is at college. It resumes where they left off when he is home. Can't wait to see him in 2 weeks for semester break, but not for the arguing. They kinda ignore each other more than fight now that they are older, but they still argue when they get the chance.

 

[clarabelle]

I heard a lady on the radio who said she Paid her older DD to be nicer to her younger one.
She told the older one it was an "experiment" and paid her to participate.
Things got better. I am not sure if I would do it -but she said it helped her.

One thing that does help at our house is "special plate"
I got this from a magazine article. We bought a brightly colored cheap plate from target. We take turn using the plate at dinner. Everyone takes a turn going around the table saying something nice about the person with the special plate. You have to say something - and you can't say the same thing every time. It really does make you feel nice.

I really like the "hug therapy" one. I might try that.

 

[tigercat]

I used to put my 3 kids in chairs in the same room, just out of reach of each other. They had to sit there until they stopped fighting. At first they would still be angry at each other but the longer they sat there the more they ganged up on being mad at me. Some times it took a long time, other times it was faster but it seemed to work for me.
tigercat

 

[CherCrazy]

Some great ideas parents!! Wish I knew about the Dis boards when my kids were little and fighting all the time.

They all get along now. They finally grew out of it when the had wheels to take them away from the house. I guess they needed a little distance from each other. They really are very loving to each other, just needed that space.

 

[Cantw8]

I hear ya, Sistah DS 17 and DD 15 are the same way, drives me nuts The other night, I couldn't take it anymore and I threw them both out on the deck in the cold and let them have at it They screeched at each other for awhile then they got cold and had to come in. I said no way, not until this crap is over for the night. They agreed and the night ended peacefully The threat still hangs in the air, I really hope the weather remains cold

 

[jenimay]

I'm reading a good book I got from the library titled Tired of Yelling, How to teach kids conflict resolution. It's very good, and even has a good chapter for how us adults can manage our anger and conflict. I have found that when my parenting methods fail, finding new ones are better than repeating the failing ones over and over again in hopes my kids will change. Good luck to ya, I understand the frustration, some days my kids are angels and some days they're (well the opposite of angels).

 

[piratesmate]

My sisters & I used to bicker all the time. I wouldn't say fight because even though we'd get mad & yell we always knew we loved each other. My mother often said though that she got tired of us fighting continually. So I don't nkow if this would help in your situation...if they are really fighting & just plain don't like each other it wouldn't do anything to improve the relationship, but Mom might get a break.

Most nights all-out war would break out while doing dishes. "You're going too fast; I can't keep up." "That's still dirty; wash it over." You name it we aregued about it. Finally Mom separated us. The person drying had to leave the kitchen until the person washing was completely finished. Well, that was torture! We decided it was much better to "get along" so at least we had someone to talk to than to be stuck doing dishes alone.

That's just one example, but sending us to opposite ends of the house seemed to work for us.

 

[DVCLiz]

I never had this problem - I think because my DDs were five years apart. Somehow that distance enabled them to have some separation. Or maybe it was just my fabulous parenting...

But, they did squabble with each other now and then, mostly when older DD felt younger DD wasn't doing something correctly. Soemthing I said really seemed to stick with her. I told her, "You are the kind of girl you are because of the way your dad and I treated you growing up, but your sister is going to be the kind of girl she turns out to be mostly because of the way you treat her as she grows up. If you want a nice sister who loves you and is your friend, you'll treat her like somebody you love. But if you want a mean sister who is never going to be there for you or be your friend when you are old ladies together, then you'll be mean and ugly to her so she can learn how to be that way to you." I don't know if she listened that intently at the time, but I do know that it seemed to have an impact on her. You might try to have a similar discussion with your children, or at least your oldest. After all, anyone over the toddler age is plenty old enough to be told, "We don't treat each other like that in this family. If you can't learn how to behave nicely, you'll spend a lot of time by yourself thinking about it in your room."

 

[kellyg403]

Sounds like a day at my house. It never ceases to amaze me why the older girls find it necessary to fight with the younger boys. Then they fight amongst themselves. Then the boys fight...on and on and on.

So, we started sitting them in the living room. They have to hold hands and be nice to each other for however long I deem appropriate and some days it could be a long time. Same theory as the hugging. So far, things are going well.

I sometimes look at it like there is always someone wanting to be the alpha dog of the day. Throw in 3 teen girls and 1 son going into puberty and it is a massacre waiting to happen. DH says any day now he is going to buy a tent and live in the backyard.

Kelly

 

[SDFgirl]

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, because I'm not offering any immediate solutions.

But, my brother and I fought tooth and nail when I was growing up. I was like your DD - the older sister and a bit of a bully to my younger brother. I beat him up all the time! My mom kept telling him to hit back, but he never would.

We actually started getting close when I was in high school though, and now, as adults, we have a wonderful relationship. I love hanging out with him - he's such a cool person.

Soooo...it may seem far away, but someday (I'm sure) your kids will be friends.

 

[Chattyaholic]

I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom for you.

I am an "only" so I never knew how much siblings could disagree and argue!

My DS and DD are 2-1/2 years apart and from the time DD was about 3 they were constantly bickering and squabbling. Believe me, they were "sent to their rooms" quite often when I got sick of hearing it. It continued until they were teenagers then it lessened somewhat.

But TO THIS DAY (DS is 30 and DD is 28) they STILL bicker sometimes when they are both here at the same time! Can you believe it?! It's ridiculous!! I have even told them "go to your rooms!" when they really get into it!!

 

[jrmasm]

I never had this problem - I think because my DDs were five years apart. Somehow that distance enabled them to have some separation. Or maybe it was just my fabulous parenting...

Must be because DD11 and DD2 fight.