Should we tell our DD11 that her friends mother was murdered?

[Eeyores Butterfly]

You know, the girl is a casual friend, your daughter may or may not ever see her again - I would tell her her mom died, and leave it at that. No need for details.

I disagree. This kind of thing tends to make headlines. At her age, there is a huge possibility that the rumor mill is already starting. Chances are that even though it is the next town over, other people know the girl/family, whether its through gymnastics or some other activity. I think it's better that the OP hear the truth from her mother than the untruths that will eventually make its way through the rumor mill.

 

[angie@dvcstore]

Tell her because it's better if it comes from you than someone else

 

[Magic Mom]

Tell her because it's better if it comes from you than someone else

I like your avatar Angie.

 

[marcyinPA]

Tell her. She is going to find out so it's better she hears it from you.

Agreed. OP, I'm so sorry you have to deal with something like that. Very sad...my prayers go out to the young girl and the family.

 

[autumnpalm]

I agree with telling her. When I was in elementary school, a friend's younger sister was murdered. I was only in grade four but I vividly remember everyone talking about it and telling stories of what they had hear happened and if someone had addressed us directly about it, it would have helped a lot with our fear.

My prayers are with your daughter's friend. What a horrible thing to go through.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Tell her. She is going to find out so it's better she hears it from you.

Of course you need to tell her. There is no way to hide it.

 

[ZachnElli]

I agree with everyone else, to tell her. I have an 11 year old DD and I think they are old enough. I'd tell her the truth too and if she has questions later to ask YOU. The rumors and exaggerations at this age will be huge, so tell her the truth, don't gloss over it.

 

[puffkin]

I agree with everyone else. Just tell her the facts, don't gloss over things. It is important for her to realize that these things happen sometimes, and that she should be there for her friend. I know they are not real close, but maybe sending a card would be a nice gesture. Your DD is going to find out one way or the other, don't kid yourself with that.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

You need to tell her.

 

[CathrynRose]

My (now 14 y/o's) son's BFF's father killed himself, when my son was 11.

He had to be told. The spending of nights over there, and getting to know his friend's father, he needed to mourn too.

And he needed to know that his friend would be moving away (to Texas!) to live with his mom. And it sounds like this girl may also end up moving somewhere.

These situations suck. I'm so sorry for your daughter, you guys, and the daughter of the deceased.

 

[OK!]

Here's another vote for telling her. My parents told me when my grade school best friend's father killed himself. I hung out at his house quite a bit, so I was glad that they had told me so I wouldn't say anything inappropriate or ask any awkward questions.

 

[mickeylove2]

Tell her. I'm going through something with my 2 DDs- they have a friend from dance class last year who stopped dancing, well I found out that this little girl is in the hospital dying. I knew she had a heart defect when she was born, had numerous surgeries, seemed like she was doing good. Well essentially she is waiting for a heart, the doctors have given her 3 months to live unless she gets a heart. Basically I told DDs what is going on and that we should pray for her, my oldest was torn, "mommy, for her to get a heart doesn't that mean that another kid has to die?" I told her yes, that's what will have to happen. She says" well how can we pray for someone to die so that Suzy can live?" Needless to say, my heart broke. It's hard and there are lots of questions but it's best that they found out from me and not from the chit chat in the dance studio. Good luck OP. I think the best thing for you to do is sit her down and tell her.

 

[abdmom]

I would explain somehow if it was my child because I would want to reach out to that other poor girl. I would imagine it would mean alot to the other girl to have a friend around even if it was just lunch at mdcondalds sometimes to seem somewhat normal.

Horrific things happen and sometimes it touches people we know and care about. It could be a great way to teach your daughter to reach out when those they care about are hurting.

I completely agree with the above. The poor girl has now lost BOTH parents. Such a situation as this is tragic. She could really use the friendship now. Use the cell phone or email address to reach out.

 

[DizBelle]

I'm reminded of an episode of Home Improvement. Randy (I guess about 12-13 at the time) went to the doctor for his yearly physical. They found a lump on his neck and had to do further tests for cancer. Mom and dad didn't tell Randy about the further tests that were going to check for cancer. He did his own research and found out that the lump might be cancer. He tearfully said to his father, "You didn't tell me and let me find out alone in the library that I might have cancer."

Tell her. Don't let her find out in a way where you will be unable to support her.

If you aren't going to tell her, put her in a bubble and leave her there. That's the only way you will be able to protect her from bad news and disappointment.

 

[dislaney]

I would much rather her hear it from me than from someone else.

 

[m&m's mom]

Yes- tell her.
I had to tell DD who was 8 at the time that her classmate and his whole family was murdered by their Mom. It was difficult and she slept with me for a little while but was fine after that.

 

[deedeetoo]

We told our dd last night about her friend. I think she is still processing it. She was pretty quite when we told her but every so often comes out with a comment that shows she is thinking about it. She did say that her friend had told her that her dad had a temper and her mom used to protect the kids from him. That poor girl. Its very sad.

 

[mom2boys]

Tell her. You might ask her school counseler how much info is appropriate at your daughter's age.
This happened to a friend & classmate of my son's when he was in 3rd grade. It was a murder-suicide. We started by telling him Nick's Mom & Dad had died. He asked how & we told him the truth. We also explained that everyone has a choice and that not all bad choices can be fixed. He had questions & all the parents had been advised to reassure the kids that this wasn't going to happen in their family. We pointed out to our son how his dad & I handle disagreements.

 

[RadioNate]

We told our dd last night about her friend. I think she is still processing it. She was pretty quite when we told her but every so often comes out with a comment that shows she is thinking about it. She did say that her friend had told her that her dad had a temper and her mom used to protect the kids from him. That poor girl. Its very sad.

Good for you. I bet that was tough.

Just be there to support your DD and let her support her friend if she choses.

When I was younger than your DD (7) a close family friend was murdered by her husband. We heard the adults whispering about it and it was all over the news. We knew something happened to her before we were officially told what.

Our parents did tell us but then we weren't really allowed to talk about it. We had questions. This woman's husband was a police officer and that scared us. We were too young to understand the situation and we weren't allowed to talk about it and ask questions.

So, if she choses, let her talk about it even if it is uncomfortable.

Last year a friend of my son's mother shot her husband (he lived) after burning down their house a few months earlier. The child was transferred out of school almost immediately. We did simplify why he moved away but he does know that his friends mom is in jail.

If you can support this girl, I know it would mean a lot. Her whole world is upside down right now so if you DD is up to trying to contact her I would.

 

[arminnie]

When I was about 7 years old the father of triplets (my age) killed the mother. I was told about it. I was not emotionally scarred. We moved out of state about the same time. To this day (50 years later) I sort of wonder what happened to those girls in Detroit.