Should we have a right to make passes at strangers?

[dngnb8]

Compliments are acknowledging another's appreciation of something, sure there can be an implied respect, but it's not a mandate.

If there isnt respect, how can it be a compliment?

 

[jrmasm]

If there isnt respect, how can it be a compliment?

Yeah I don't get that either. There is a huge difference between "Wow! You are gorgeous!" and "I want to tap that!"

 

[FireDancer]

If there isnt respect, how can it be a compliment?

I don't see how the two are related. I want to jump your bones is a crude way of saying you are attractive. I don't care if the person who finds me attractive respects me. They don't even know me.

Anytime I've been told something like that I have found it a compliment no matter how attracted or unattracted to the person saying it I was.

Yeah I don't get that either. There is a huge difference between "Wow! You are gorgeous!" and "I want to tap that!"

I think both are compliments. In the former you are told you are beautiful and in the latter you are told you are attractive enough for the person to want to sleep with you. How would you know the person saying the former has any respect for you at all? The person saying the former might be thinking the later whether they say it or not. I personally never respect anyone until they earn respect so saying either to a stranger in a bar would have no bearing on my respect for them.

Of course I'd only say the former because it is a much better way to get to the later, but to each their own.

 

[N&B'smom]

Anytime I've been told something like that I have found it a compliment no matter how attracted or unattracted to the person saying it I was.

Exactly. No matter what the phrasing, it's still a compliment. (just some wording may sound a little nicer than others!)

Poor example but recently I was in Starbucks and the guy behind the counter took my friend's order and then asked me if I wanted anything. I said 'no, I'm good' and he stopped, looked me up and down and said 'yesssss...you are'.

Now, I was a little shocked but took it as a compliment. What he said wasn't crude in any way but even so, it certainly doesn't mean he necessarily respected me.

 

[dngnb8]

I don't see how the two are related. I want to jump your bones is a crude way of saying you are attractive. I don't care if the person who finds me attractive respects me. They don't even know me.

Anytime I've been told something like that I have found it a compliment no matter how attracted or unattracted to the person saying it I was.

What it says is

Youre attractive enough for personal pleasure. Wanting to "jump your bones" doesnt imply you have respect for them, just for your needs which can be influenced by things like, booze (2 am dates), lack of attention (its been so long I would do so and so), among other things.

Its not really a compliment if you ask me, just a statement that your rocks need tending too.

 

[Magpie]

What it says is

Youre attractive enough for personal pleasure. Wanting to "jump your bones" doesnt imply you have respect for them, just for your needs which can be influenced by things like, booze (2 am dates), lack of attention (its been so long I would do so and so), among other things.

Its not really a compliment if you ask me, just a statement that your rocks need tending too.

Which, depending on the circumstances and the woman it's directed at, may even be taken as a threat.

It's really contextual. I've had "lookin' good!" comments that made me smile. Especially now that I'm forty, I don't mind an occasional whistle from a construction site. But I also remember once as a young girl, some drunken louts on a porch whistling and saying, "Hey, baby! I'd do ya!" "You're sweet!"

I ignored them and kept walking. And for some reason, they took offense at that and started yelling, "What, you think you're too good for us!" And that was followed by increasingly ugly name-calling until I was out of range. I was shaking and in tears by the time I got home.

I don't consider any of that complimentary. Not the first "I'd do ya!" and certainly not the foul words that followed. Compliments are supposed to make the person receiving them feel good. They're not supposed to make you feel like crud.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

If there isnt respect, how can it be a compliment?

Yeah I don't get that either. There is a huge difference between "Wow! You are gorgeous!" and "I want to tap that!"

No difference, some compliments get more to someone's deeper emotions, others are just surface deep. Let's be honest here, physical attraction, no matter what anyone says, does matter. If someone finds me physically attractive because I take good care of myself, great, that's a compliment, even if it's just skin deep.

 

[IdesOmarch]

If I couldn't make passes at strangers I wouldn't be able to communicate with my fellow woman.

Just kidding, but if they were really "hitting" on you, the people that know what they're doing will do it in such a way where you are flattered and not annoyed or turned off, if its too blunt or rude, then they are insulting you. This incident wasnt an incident of someone making a pass at someone, this was an assault. Or another question would be, do we have the right to be rude and crude with strangers? Really "hitting" on someone if done in a classy and respectable manner isn't "rude".

 

[tlbwriter]

Which, depending on the circumstances and the woman it's directed at, may even be taken as a threat.

It's really contextual.

I do wonder if it's a man vs woman thing. Though men can obviously be victims of sexual assault, it's much more likely to be man-on-woman violence. If a random stranger says "I'd do that," a woman is much more likely to feel like the next line might be "And I just might, whether you like it or not." I suspect very few men would take a sexually charged "compliment" as a threat. And again, it might be why the "cute guy" was more threatened by Dan than he would have been by the same comment made by a woman. Even if all of this is very subconscious, it could still be there. The bottom line is, many women are taught to be afraid of strangers who are sexually attracted to them*. Few men are.

Just my theory.

(*Yes, I know, rape is an act of violence, not sexual desire. But that's how it's carried out, so that's the context.)

 

[jrmasm]

No difference, some compliments get more to someone's deeper emotions, others are just surface deep. Let's be honest here, physical attraction, no matter what anyone says, does matter. If someone finds me physically attractive because I take good care of myself, great, that's a compliment, even if it's just skin deep.

I disagree, cat calls are never compliments. They very seldom have anything to do with the receiver.

 

[Thumper_Man]

Ziemkiewicz, his boyfriend, Guillaume Coudé-Levesque, and three friends were leaving the Lookout Bar in Byward Market when Ziemkiewicz spotted a cute guy standing on the curb near the Chateau Lafayette on York St.

As Ziemkiewicz passed the guy, he said, “I’m not angry at that.” When the guy said, “F. you,” Ziemkiewicz retorted, “Maybe later — I’m busy right now.”

I can't help but wonder if Dan got beat up twice this night. Once by the cute guy and once more by his boyfriend when they got home for commenting/hitting on cute guy.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

I can't help but wonder if Dan got beat up twice this night. Once by the cute guy and once more by his boyfriend when they got home for commenting/hitting on cute guy.

Jealousy is a horrible attribute.

I check out guys all the time, as does my partner. I have no issues with my partner dancing with another guy at the club, he has no issues if I'm at the bar, semi-flirting with another guy, etc. At the end of the night, we're still together and we leave together.

Then again, I also believe people put too much emphasis on sex and associate sex with love.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

You people are outta your ever lovin' minds.

I wanna tap that, I'm not angry at that, I'd hit that...NOT compliments. Don't people even know the difference between a complement and some creep making lewd remarks to them anymore?

You want to complement someone, it's suppose to make them feel good. I don't know how strung out some people are for a complement but the terms up top aren't words people use to make YOU feel good. They use them to put a lewd ownership on you.

Holy Crap, we are in trouble if people can't even ferret out a complement from some creep making a nasty, lewd, disgusting comment, .

Color me picky, but some pig randomly shouting he'd like to do me doesn't impress me.

 

[dngnb8]

Hey baby, wanna see my compliment

 

[hambirg]

I do wonder if it's a man vs woman thing. Though men can obviously be victims of sexual assault, it's much more likely to be man-on-woman violence. If a random stranger says "I'd do that," a woman is much more likely to feel like the next line might be "And I just might, whether you like it or not." I suspect very few men would take a sexually charged "compliment" as a threat. And again, it might be why the "cute guy" was more threatened by Dan than he would have been by the same comment made by a woman. Even if all of this is very subconscious, it could still be there. The bottom line is, many women are taught to be afraid of strangers who are sexually attracted to them*. Few men are.

Just my theory.

(*Yes, I know, rape is an act of violence, not sexual desire. But that's how it's carried out, so that's the context.)

I'm thinking the same thing. Because I don't think a stranger making a lewd comment is a compliment. Sometimes it has that creepy threat feel. . .like is this guy going to be waiting for me when I go out to my car?

 

[dngnb8]

Then again, I also believe people put too much emphasis on sex and associate sex with love.

I think your statement can be rewritten to say

Men give love to get sex

Women give sex to get love.

For the most part, the genders have different views of the event. As already shared by the ladies, what we consider expression of attraction, isnt always taken that way.

 

[ilovemk76]

You people are outta your ever lovin' minds.

I wanna tap that, I'm not angry at that, I'd hit that...NOT compliments. Don't people even know the difference between a complement and some creep making lewd remarks to them anymore?

You want to complement someone, it's suppose to make them feel good. I don't know how strung out some people are for a complement but the terms up top aren't words people use to make YOU feel good. They use them to put a lewd ownership on you.

Holy Crap, we are in trouble if people can't even ferret out a complement from some creep making a nasty, lewd, disgusting comment, .

Color me picky, but some pig randomly shouting he'd like to do me doesn't impress me.

Bold - ITA Those are not compliments.

 

[Alyssa88]

Most of my male friends are gay, I could see one saying something like that after a few drinks. I also have a few straight girlfriends who might do the same, I can guarantee he wouldn't attack them. Regardless of what was said, there is no reason for a violent reaction. I have been hit on by people of both genders, and so has my guy. He would never take that much offense, and would never react violently. He is not violent to begin with, but things like that don't upset him.

This man would not have reacted that way had it have been a woman who said it. It is homophobic to attack a gay person for hitting on you. I have heard about this happening to gay men and women. I was outside a gay club when a fight started because a gay woman approached a straight one, and the straight one was that angry at her (even outside a gay club).


Statements like this are made ALL the time, often they are far more crude. The only reason this man attacked Dan was because Dan is a gay man.

 

[Magix]

Here's a story about a similar circumstance, but with school kids: http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/local/ventura_county&id=8329043

So, the defense is arguing that because this kid was abused when he was younger, and because the other kid's comments/actions made him uncomfortable, he shouldn't be held responsible for his actions. They say he couldn't contain his anger.

Is there ever a justification for murder? Especially when the murdered person never physically harmed the killer? Just because he was made uncomfortable and didn't know how to deal with the other kid's sexuality, his openness, even his taunting, is that justification? During this case, people have actually argued that this young, gay kid was too obvious in his clothing, his actions. They say he went too far in being open about who he was. Is that justification for killing (or even for a fight)?

Not in my world.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

Here's a story about a similar circumstance, but with school kids: http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/local/ventura_county&id=8329043

So, the defense is arguing that because this kid was abused when he was younger, and because the other kid's comments/actions made him uncomfortable, he shouldn't be held responsible for his actions. They say he couldn't contain his anger.

Is there ever a justification for murder? Especially when the murdered person never physically harmed the killer? Just because he was made uncomfortable and didn't know how to deal with the other kid's sexuality, his openness, even his taunting, is that justification? During this case, people have actually argued that this young, gay kid was too obvious in his clothing, his actions. They say he went too far in being open about who he was. Is that justification for killing (or even for a fight)?

Not in my world.

Such a sad story, obviously this kid has some serious emotional issues and the defense that someone of the same sex was making advances is so pathetic for lack of a better word.

The No H8 Campaign and the It Gets Better Project exist for reasons like this!