should i take my step-kids with us on our trip?very long.

[DawnaJean]

... treat them how you would want a stepmother to treat your children.

Well said LadyJanel!!!

It is a hard decision whether to take them or not, but if you do decide to take them, I would lay ground rules at the beginning about expectations on how they will act/ consequences, etc.. Then they can decide whether they want to go. I would though pay for the trip for them with an understood small set amount for "extras" over which they could bring their own money.
I wouldn't feel right buying my bio children a souvenir/snack and having the s-children pay their own way.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[laura001]

This is definately a touchy situation, I don't envy you. I don't have step children so I guess I don't really qualify to answer much of anything...the one comment I would make would just be on the fact that it is your family vacation and if it is going to make you and or the rest of your family stressed, leave them at home. It doesn't seem like they are a real part of your lives at least physically, are you not entitled to some life without them. I came from a broken home and my father never once took me on a vacation with him and his new family and we lived in the same city. (perhaps, this is why I feel the way I do). I vote for you and your family to go and have the best vacation ever!!!!

 

[Sandcass]

Ask a 6 yr old and 4 yr old if they want half siblings along? Of course they'll say no.

I don't think that's necessarily true. Even dispite the fighting. Have you tried asking them?

This is a very tough situation. Good Luck to the OP, I hope you have a wonderful, magical vacation!

Also, I like the advice about going to that www.secondwives.com. Sounds like a good place where people will understand what your'e going thru.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

LadyJanel- What a great Stepmom # 2 was.

Ehthically you can't leave the kids out.

Practically- it will ruin your vacation.

Negotiate something else. Far from asking for money from the Mom to pay his kids expenses- What about giving the Mom the 5K extra cost it would be to take the first kids along and let them plan a trip with their Mom. It might prevent vacation envy without ruining your vacation.

A good friend was a second wife. She bemoaned the $750/month child support to first wife. My friend said the first wife really didn't "need" it since she was living with her parents. Actually the first wife couldn't afford to set up a household of her own.

My friends ex is now on his third wife and my friend gets 1500 for one child and i'm sure she realizes now that it is not enough to afford a house,car,insurance,heat,clothes,food.,childcare with just a moms income to supplement.

Hope you can come up with a plan for everybody and please encourage your DH to be a good father to all his children. It will be well worth it when the children grow up enough to appreciate their parents. Which is probably the first month they are parents themselves!

 

[JERSEYGIRLINSI]

I personally would include dh's children. The time that he & your family sees them is very limited, and it will allow more time for you all to "get it together"(you all dont know how to be together yet, what pushes your buttons, what boundaries should be set, and how to love each other as family). Dh should absolutely want the kids to be there experiencing everything that your family is, he's the father-and should want equal everything for ALL of his kids. He should most definately foot the whole expense for this, child support has nothing to do with the EXTRAS that families have. Seems like Dh has issues with the amount of time he has with the kids, and while they seem to be valid-things can be done to make seeing them easier(move closer to them, set time for him to go to them**he is the adult, not the children). I would, as his current wife, want to foster a nice "warm place" for the other kids (this lets them know that you care about them being around, and their happiness). The kids are going nowhere, and technically were there first. New family additions or not-they are there, they are children-and Dh should step it up. If bringing the first two kids with you to Disney is going to be something that you can't afford-I would opt not to go at all. I mean..how do you think the first two kids are going to feel knowing that Daddy went to Disney with his new family & didn't even include us? I think I would always look at it from the child's eyes...and not from the inconvience of the adults...the kids had no say in the make up of their family unit.
JUST MY TWO CENTS

 

[kdtwiss]

hi everyone,

we are actually planning a trip to disneyland/other LA attractions but i wanted to post this question under the family board because i need opinions from different families.

here is some background info: dh has 2 children from a previous relationship, they live with their mum in melbourne australia, we live in brisbane australia, travel wise the difference is approx 2hour plane flight/24 drive. dh and i have been married for 7 years and now have 3 kids of our own with number 4 on the way , because of the distance he does not have access to the kids and until this past december the kids mum has refused to let them flight up to us by themselves, they only came up if dh's parents could bring them up. this is the time we have spent with the kids over the past 7 years-


[I]Do you blame her? Would you allow your children on such a long flight w/o an adult? [/I]
april 1999- our wedding, i met the kids on our wedding day they stayed at our house with my dhs parents for 1 week.
june 2001- we went to melbourne for a visit for 1 week.
sep 2003- dhs kids and parents came to stay with us for 2 weeks.
oct 2005- we went to melbounre for 2 days for dh dads 60th and saw the kids
dec 2005- we flew dh's kids up to stay with us for 2 weeks over xmas. this was the first xmas dh has ever had with his dd and she is 10years old.

Seems like he could have made more of an effort. If they were my children, somehow - I would have found a way to see them more. It is not the children's resposibility to find a way to see Dad, but Dad's resposibility to find a way to be in their lives.
the ages of the kids - dh dsB 13, dh ddN 10, our kids dsJ 6, ddT 4, ddA 2,

That will be quite a handful!

having the kids over xmas was a bit of a nightmare. there was constant fighting between the 3 older kids dsB and ddN aways picked on dsJ and was always telling him what to do/what not to do. for example, i told all the kids the bedrooms had to be cleaned before we went out and everyone was to tidy their own mess. dsJ refused to do it because he wasn't feeling well, so for the whole time they were cleaning up dsB and ddN were constantly yelling "J clean up" "j do this" "J get up and help".

Not to burst your bubble, that sounds like VERY typical sibling squabbling. Your little ones are probably a bit young to start doing this - but believe me they will! I know it is not easy to see your little guy getting picked on - but that happens with families that are not step situations also.

i told them that i would handle the problem with j and just to worry about their own mess.

[I]So from their pov - your rule about cleaning up was only for them . I can only assume your dh backed you up on this so in their minds - evil step mom not only makes them do more than the "other kids" but has taken their dad away so he is on your side. Rules are rules - if you make a rule - you have to enfoce it equally or expect someone to get bent out of shape about it.[/I]

i know that my complaining about this may seem petty but having to hear my son constantly picked on for every little thing for 2 weeks started to bother me and dh.

And I am sure it bothered them that their dad was probably much closer/more protective of his "new" son than them.

the other kids seemed to get on well with each other except my ddT got jealous quite a few times with ddN always wanting dhs attention and wanting to sit on his lap etc (i can undersand this, but ddT only being 4 couldn't understand why she couldn't sit with dad when she wanted).

In this situation, I would think your dd (who has daddy full time) would have to be a bit on the losing end here. I may be in the minority - but the precious little time that your dsd had with daddy should be able to come first for the very brief time she had with him. Your dd could simply have just gotten more attention from you. Or better yet - maybe daddy could have taken his older guys out for a while just the three of them, that way your dd would not have to be visibly sharing "HER" daddy with someone else.

the whole time they were up, dsB refused to eat every meal i made, always wanting something different usually takeout. for the first week, i offered him a few alternatives but by the second week of his complaining i served up what everyone was eating and basically said eat it or go hungry. i felt bad doing this but i spoke to his mother before they arrived so i new exactly what they would eat and liked. it was getting a bit much having to prepare a different meal just for him when there are 6 others to cook for.

I'm with you on that.

ok, so here is my question, thank you for reading this far...

should we take dh's kids with us when we go to disneyland. i think that we have to and 'it's the right thing to do',

That's a very sad way to feel. Imagaine if the father of your children was spending time with his children for those reasons.

but dh said not to.
Does he not want to spend time with his children, that he really barely knows - or is he afraid to rock his new family boat?

i think it will cause alot of trouble between all thr families if we don't include them. to be honest i really don't want to because this trip is costing us a fortune and it will cost approx $5000 more to include them (just in airfares/visas/park tickets) and i just don't want our first and probably only magical family trip ruined because of fighting between the kids.

That is alot of money. Is there somewhere to make that differnce up a bit? Stay at a cheaper hotel? Buy the dining plan? Rent points at a timeshare? Anything? That way it won't be in the back of your mind the whole vacation - I spent all this extra $$ and look how awful this is! I also understand that of course you do not want fighting to ruin the trip - but I will tell ya - siblings fight on vacations all the time - Disney is not a whine free zone. The family does not magically transform kids into perfect little beings. Sorry to say but chances are if you had two older children together (10 and 13) they WOULD be picking on/fighting with the younger ones and themselves. Would you not take a vacation because you were afraid your OWN children would fight? I think it is time dh and you sit down and realize these children ARE and deserve to be part of your family. I don't mean to sound mean - but truly you both seem to treat them as outsiders when they are his family! Again - how would you feel if he felt that way about the children you have together? Good God, how heartbreaking! I know it is not easy - I DO! I dreally do not mean to sound harsh - it sounds like you want to do what is right by them.

another thing is, if we do take them do we ask their mum for any money to help cover the cost. i think if we invite them then we should pay all cost but dh thinks that because he has always paid child support and still does not have regular access that we should ask their mum to pay for some of the cost.

#1 - sounds like the regular access thing is his doing. I would assume if he were to fly out to visit - he would not be turned awy.

#2 Do you think there is anyway whatsoever that what Dad pays in child support covers all of his children's needs/wants? Their food,shelter, clothes, entertainment, education,toys? I doubt it - if I am wrong - well then perhaps he is right. But chances are what he sends mum does not cover all these things. IN that case, though it is tough - I think your family would need to pick up the tab. If that is impossible _ I think you would need to scale back the vaca. Would you take a vacation if you could only afford to take one of your children?

thank you so much for reading this post, i am so sorry it was so long, melissa.

I am sorry you are in such a pickle Melissa - it must be very tough, but I do think more effort on dh's part to be involved in his children's lives are in order. These children most likely feel hurt,abandoned, replaced. How terrible. And when they visit - these things are reinforced by (in their pov) preferrential treatment of dad's "new family". Thre is bound to be resentment. IF you decide to take them, I think you should spend time beforehand setting down the ground rules. I also would say - maybe getting one of those video web cam things so you can talk on the phone and connect visually with these children might help. Let Dad have some alone time on the phone with them as much as possible, so perhaps some of the resentment will be gone when they arrive. I think you will need to ask the picky eater (not the mom) BEFORE he comes what he would like to eat. Another thing to keep in mind is that foods taste really different in different parts of the world. For instance - there is NO good pizza in all of FLORIDA so even if my picky eater likes pizza - he won't eat it in Fl. I think if you set up a little time (30 minutes at least) each day for dad to spend with his children alone - that would eliminate some of the tension, as well as giving them something to look forward to. Maybe on one day during vacation dad can take his children somewhere that your little guys may not be able to go to - or would not want to go to. Try to be even handed in the discipline - nothing is hgoing to make this vacation go down the tubes faster than being tougher on the stepkids than your own. I do hope you all can find a way to enjoy each other's company. I also hope you don't feel I was being harsh at all. I just think it is important for you and dad to look at it more from the kid's pov.

 

[WDWLinda]

I think kdtwiss makes some very good points...at first I was worried that you and your husband just physically couldn't watch all those kids at once, so I was opting for leaving the step-kids at home and taking another vacation with them plus your kids closer to home. But after reading the opinions of the two step-kids, then reading kdtwiss's notes, I agree with all of them - you should first ask their mom if its OK (and I wouldn't ask her for any $$), then if it is, ask the kids. And maybe scale back on some parts so its more affordable. Kids will be kids and fight, but they'll also get to know each other and form some bonds that are lacking now. Your husband also will get to know them better (maybe that's why he's leaning towards not taking them). It will be harder, but I think it could work out better for all of you in the long run. The opinions from the step-kids were just so sad - I can see how this would screw up a kid, and you don't want to be a part of that.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

~Linda

 

[solgent]

There are some powerful, eloquent posts on this thread. I agree with those who say, you must help your DH and exert yourself to have a better relationship with the children from the first marriage.

The OP's question is, we're not close with these kids so do we have to take them? But the real question is, what can you do to become more close?

When one puts it that way, it is clear that taking a special vacation without some of the children is not in anyone's best interest.

All your choices should have the goal of strengthening the family ties, not just between your immediate family (you, DH, your children together) but the whole family, which includes the other children. These are your children's half-siblings.

What could you do to get to the point where you wouldn't think of going without them any more than you would think of leaving one of your own children behind?

There has already been established a pattern of distance and it will be hard and take time to reverse. What contact do your husband and you and the kids have with the older ones besides the very rare visits? Are there calls, letters, emails? Even if it's too far, too expensive, too difficult to get together, you can write. Kids love to get mail and they'll love to feel that their dad & you are thinking of them.

 

[Angelgirl13202]

I can speak from step kid point of view but a different angle

When my mom remarried It was just me than her new husband had 3 girls and a young son when they met. Not long after they married my mom had 4 kids of her own a couple years apart. so at home at the moment are the 4 little ones and his son comes every other week (hes 17 now) I live away from home as im now married myself and the three older girls of his are on their own every one but the 4 little ones have been to Disney and my mom says they wont go until they can afford to bring every one. i think this is unfair to the 4 little ones as the oldest is 10 and has never been to disney world has been Promised twice but plans for other things came first. I dont feel as bad for her thou as she got to go on a school trip to Europe last summer and went to disneyland pairis.. but the other three I know the 8 year old remembers when they were planning to go. as their older sister i would love to take them but cant afford to take them as i am not working and I am in school trying to better myself for MY family

I know this is long and confusing but my point is your kids should not have to not get to go. I say if the kids are acting like that than thats their doing I am speaking from both the step child and for the new children. when the other kids came around i got less time with my mom since she had all these new responsibilites.

Ask this question do these kids take vacations as big as this with thier mom? if so than take your kids and go. If the answere is no than Try and scale down to take them My point is if they get to go with other people it wont be as big a deal but that doesnt mean your DH is off the hook he needs to find a way to spend more time with his other kids.

 

[lucyanna girl]

How will taking the step-children affect your children's vacation? Are the older children kind to your children? In some cases an unhappy older child can and will take out their issues on the younger children. One of your considerations should be whether your children will have their dream vacation ruined. I have known cases where a young child was made very miserable by an older one.

 

[bunny]

I knew as soon as I read this that your husband would be slammed for the amount of time he has spent with his children and you would be slammed for not helping him more. Do what feels right for you and your family. I am sure your situation is a lot more involved than what you wrote in a couple of paragraphs. I will say that a vacation that costs thousands of dollars is not the right place to work on family unity. Instead of spending $5000 to take the stepkids on a trip, why not use some of this money to allow your husband to take a couple alone trips with his children? He needs to bond with them before your entire family can. There also may be some legal issues about taking the children out of the country. Lastly before others judge you, please ask yourself in they have ever been in this situation.

 

[kdtwiss]

Just wanted to say I don't think anyone slammed the OP - she was quite upfront with what the issues were, and I think what she got was equally upfront replies. I certainly meant no harm - hope you were not offended OP!

 

[jt42blue]

hi everyone,

first of all i wanted to thank everyone for sharing their opinions and even some of their family stories

I wanted to quote some of the responses i got so i could reply to them, but as i don't post here very often(i don't have anything to contribute as i have never been to wdw or DL ) i'm not sure how to 'quote' so i just cut and pasted your replies, i hope thats ok.

Tjaleks-"I thiink asking the mom to pay would be a way out of this. So I was not trying to contradict myself, but coming up with an alternative that would make it appear as if you made the effort. Most people have to save for this type of expense so she may not have the money"

i agree, dh and i have been saving for a long time for this trip, so i could imagine that their mum would have to save for their cost. this trip is alot of money, it's going to cost approx $20 000 ($12000 just in airfares alone) and we still have alot of saving to go, so if we were to take the other 2 kids we have to start putting away more or push the trip to a later date.

Bunny- thanks for the link, i plan on visiting that site!

mickeyfan2-"DH has said she would not let them fly up, well planes do go both ways and he should have flown down to see them more often. Since his parents live near his kids, did he move away? If so then he made the decision to not see his kids too often."

dh and his ex were both from melbounre, they decided to move to brisbane together to start a family, but were never married. when they broke up, his ex took the kids back to melbounre without asking dh at all, just left one morning, in australia it is actually illegal to remove the kids from their state of birth without concent from both parents. dh never gave his concent. since then dh has tried 'numerous times each year' to arrange with his ex times that he could fly down and visit, but his ex always refuses and will not let him visit, in the pass she has even refused to pass on new addresses and contact number if they had moved.she is afraid the dh was going to try to bring them back up to brisbane by kidnapping them. dhs parents stepped in because they live close to her and now have the kids every 2nd weekend in place of dh. sorry if thats confusing!

kdtwiss-"i told them that i would handle the problem with j and just to worry about their own mess.

So from their pov - your rule about cleaning up was only for them . I can only assume your dh backed you up on this so in their minds - evil step mom not only makes them do more than the "other kids" but has taken their dad away so he is on your side. Rules are rules - if you make a rule - you have to enfoce it equally or expect someone to get bent out of shape about it.

In this situation, I would think your dd (who has daddy full time) would have to be a bit on the losing end here. I may be in the minority - but the precious little time that your dsd had with daddy should be able to come first for the very brief time she had with him. this trip is costing us a fortune and it will cost approx $5000 more to include them (just in airfares/visas/park tickets) and i just don't want our first and probably only magical family trip ruined because of fighting between the kids.

That is alot of money. Is there somewhere to make that differnce up a bit? Stay at a cheaper hotel? Buy the dining plan? Rent points at a timeshare? Anything? sounds like the regular access thing is his doing. I would assume if he were to fly out to visit - he would not be turned awy."

in the cleaning up situation, all the kids were cleaning up, not just my step-kids. the problem was that they were going over my instructions by telling my ds6 what he should be doing and allocating him most of the work instead of just letting me be the parent, ds6 then resented this and it make a simple task extremely difficult. if they had just quickly tidied their ownbed areas and let me 'instruct' ds6 what to do, there would have been no dramas. ds6 did as much tiding up as they did but her would be picked on by the older 2 if he put somethink away in the wrong place or if he forgot something.
i agree that my step-d has all the right to spend as much time with her dad as possible and i have always incouraged this, my point was that i had to put up with a upset 4 year who doesn't understand this situation at all. i was adding that because if we were to take them to DL, dd4 would have a hard time if she couldn't sit next to dad on a ride, for example.
The $5000 cost i mentioned would only pay for airfares/ visas etc. airfares from australia to LA can cost approx $2000 each depending on time of travel, then they would need visas to leave the country which i believe cost approx $200 each, this figure hasn't even takken into account room cost at hotelsfor 2 more/extra food/spending money/shuttle fars etc.

solgent-dh phones the kids every fortnight while they are staying with dhs parents.


i just wanted to add that dh has tried to be invloved in the kids life but his ex has honestly made to hard. to be honest i think that he kind of just gave up tring to see them because it is always a battle that he feels he will never win. i have always encouraged him to see them, and i have always tried to treat them as if they were my own when they came to visit, as i did at xmas. was hurt me the most is that they were always hurting my sons feelings for no really reason, just being bullies. i would be willing to take them to DL with us i am just worried that we are going to spend all this money and end up having everyone fighting (we could do that at home for free !) thanks again everyone for your replies, please excuse any spelling mistakes, i didn't have the time to read over , melissa.

 

[scrapbookworm]

hi everyone,

dh and his ex were both from melbounre, they decided to move to brisbane together to start a family, but were never married. when they broke up, his ex took the kids back to melbounre without asking dh at all, just left one morning, in australia it is actually illegal to remove the kids from their state of birth without concent from both parents. dh never gave his concent. since then dh has tried 'numerous times each year' to arrange with his ex times that he could fly down and visit, but his ex always refuses and will not let him visit, in the pass she has even refused to pass on new addresses and contact number if they had moved.she is afraid the dh was going to try to bring them back up to brisbane by kidnapping them. dhs parents stepped in because they live close to her and now have the kids every 2nd weekend in place of dh. sorry if thats confusing!

i just wanted to add that dh has tried to be invloved in the kids life but his ex has honestly made to hard. to be honest i think that he kind of just gave up tring to see them because it is always a battle that he feels he will never win. i have always encouraged him to see them, and i have always tried to treat them as if they were my own when they came to visit, as i did at xmas. was hurt me the most is that they were always hurting my sons feelings for no really reason, just being bullies. i would be willing to take them to DL with us i am just worried that we are going to spend all this money and end up having everyone fighting (we could do that at home for free !) thanks again everyone for your replies, please excuse any spelling mistakes, i didn't have the time to read over , melissa.

Well there is your answer right there. If the ex makes it difficult for dh to even see his kids on a regular basis, do you honestly think she'll let him take them out of the country to the most magical place on earth? The place for making happy memories? I would go ahead and ask, just for the record, but you know that she is going to refuse. See that gives her power. And she'll probably twist it to the kids to make it sound like dad is going off to have a great time without them.

I think it's mighty high of her to take the kids into another state illegally, but then refuse him reasonable access to his kids. I know it sounds harsh, but maybe it's time to tell the proper authorities what she has done.

FYI- I'm a grown stepchild. Dad and stepmom took me and my stepbrother on one trip to St Louis. Afterwards they took 3-4 small trips a year to the beach, but never, ever took us again.

 

[Karel]

having the kids over xmas was a bit of a nightmare. there was constant fighting between the 3 older kids dsB and ddN aways picked on dsJ and was always telling him what to do/what not to do. for example, i told all the kids the bedrooms had to be cleaned before we went out and everyone was to tidy their own mess. dsJ refused to do it because he wasn't feeling well, so for the whole time they were cleaning up dsB and ddN were constantly yelling "J clean up" "j do this" "J get up and help". i told them that i would handle the problem with j and just to worry about their own mess. .

Honestly, this is typical behavior and you're being over protective. You said 'refused' to do it. The other kids know they can't go out until J does his work so they want him to move along. My older boys would do the same to their sister. You have to let them work out their relationship and not take sides.

the other kids seemed to get on well with each other except my ddT got jealous quite a few times with ddN always wanting dhs attention and wanting to sit on his lap etc (i can undersand this, but ddT only being 4 couldn't understand why she couldn't sit with dad when she wanted).
.

ddT will have to get over it. ddN has every right to that lap and since she doesn't get it all the time, probably more. It's not such a bad lesson for ddT to learn.

the whole time they were up, dsB refused to eat every meal i made, always wanting something different usually takeout. for the first week, i offered him a few alternatives but by the second week of his complaining i served up what everyone was eating and basically said eat it or go hungry. i felt bad doing this but i spoke to his mother before they arrived so i new exactly what they would eat and liked. it was getting a bit much having to prepare a different meal just for him when there are 6 others to cook for.
.

Once again, typical child behavior. Testing the rules and limits. My child would do the same thing. Nothing wrong with laying down the law and saying, 'eat what we eat'.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

dhs parents stepped in because they live close to her and now have the kids every 2nd weekend in place of dh. sorry if thats confusing!

i just wanted to add that dh has tried to be invloved in the kids life but his ex has honestly made to hard. to be honest i think that he kind of just gave up tring to see them because it is always a battle that he feels he will never win. i have always encouraged him to see them, and i have always tried to treat them as if they were my own when they came to visit, as i did at xmas. was hurt me the most is that they were always hurting my sons feelings for no really reason, just being bullies. .

I am very glad that your Dh keeps trying and his parents see the kids and that you encourage him. These childhood years will be difficult because of bitterness, anger,feeling of abandonment. But doing the right thing in trying to see his kids, calling or emailing frequently will really be worth it in the long run for your husband and all his children. Truly i was not writing as a first wife against second but because my parents were divorced when i was 4 and from all the experiences of my friends as children of divorced parents. The father is the starting point of their place in society and males especially can feel very insecure of their place without a good father figure.

IF DH and I ever divorced i would have to move closer to my family (or his!)for economic and child care support but hope i would never sacrifice my children's good for petty revenge.

while it is unacceptable for the big kids to be cruel to the little kids, i bet the big ones are so jealous of the little ones getting to live with both Mom & Dad.

Best of luck to you and hope you have a great vacation.

P.s. My son was such a pain in our second to last trip to the parks that i wouldn't take him on my last trip to the parks. He was a precocious teenager, didn't want to wake up before noon,the afternoon was too hot for him- he actually was begging to leave Magic Kingdom at noon, etc. 1 day we literally had only 2 hours in the park, 7 to 9 pm when it closed.
WDW can be an overstimulating, exhausting, not showing the kids at their best behavior kind of place. Give them lots of rest and pool time to get the most enjoyment.

 

[bsusanmb]

DH had two kids dd 10 ds 6, I had dd12 and dd3 when we got married and had a dd. We had joint custody of DH's kids. Their mom never did anything to help these kids adjust to a blended family. She made them feel that if they enjoyed being with us they were being disloyal to her. Amazingly, the kids all got along well. DSD hated me from day one and tried to do anything she could to get a rise out of me.
We always took the kids on vacations with us. Most were not pleasant for me, but I owed it to the kids to take them with us and make them feel a part of a family. THeir mom never contributed to the vacation, and would send them in unsightly clothes. I was happy DH had time to spend with his kids.
Going to DL is very costly. It could be something these children will never see and could be very memorable. It would undoubtedly take a toll on your nerves. If you can afford it, and their mom can help with the cost, I would highly recommend taking them. if you don't, they will feel even more isolated. Remember, they did't ask for this situation. I was a child from a broken home, and adopted by my step dad. However, I always felt like I was on the outside looking in - not a good feeling. I just wanted to be loved and to be treated the same as my siblings.
Whatever happens, my blessings to you. Marriage is difficult at best without having the issues of a blended family.
DH and I were 32 when we got married and we are now 55. The kids are grown and gone and we are now grandparents times 3 this year. It never ends. Step son's wife watches everything I do for my DD's children and expects the same for her child - I love that baby, but she knows how to manipulate and make things look as if I don't. So, it is a lifetime commitment.
Best wishes to you and congratulations on your new baby.

 

[Kelnstephen]

I Hope this helps I have a step son that is 15. We pay child support supply all clothes, medical insurance and entertainment. His mother does the welfare thing. But it is not his fault. We took him in 2004 when we stayed at WL. We are going again and not taking him this time becasue of his grades when he lives with his mother he doesn't have to do anything so he don't. But he choose to live there because it is eaiser no rules. We just had a baby of our own 5 months ago. I don't feel in any way it is fair to leave a child out. But in my step sons case this is his own doing he is kicked out of school more than he is in school. But the State doesn't care when they hit a certain age the are allowed to live where they want. This year Starting in Jannuary we are decieding to do half of what we do for are own daughter. Because we feel it is only fair he has a mother and it's not my fault she can't do for her child what we can do for our daughter. It is just personal choices I work full time with reduced hours aprox 37 hours a week. And she has children to support her. His birthday is in FEb and we will probably take himout for his birhtday and spend 50.00 in gifts. Yes my daughter will get more but we paln on having another child in a couple of years and I want the best for my kids. Not that I don't want it for my stepson but he is choosing his path. We have truley tried to explain to him at this rate the past 2 years he has lived with his mother he has had to go to summer school becasue of failing grades. We strongley see him not graduating from school but there is nothing we can do we have tried everything.

I guess what I'm getting at if the kids deserve to go bring them it's not there fault they don't see you. But if you have rules and the can't follow them than don't let them spoil it for your children.

Kelly

 

[malibuconlee]

I agree that the kids are probably acting the way they did because they don't see their father much. Those are his children as well. I think he needs to spend more time with them personally. (Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm a child of divorce and very passionate about the fact that kids need both of their parents. My dad did not take an active role in my life and it has had an effect on me).

If you don't take them I believe they will feel hurt and as if they don't matter as much as his "other" children.

It's a family vacation. I believe you should pay for all of their expenses.

I haven't read the whole thread, so this may have been answered already, but have you asked the ex yet about your trip? You will have to have her permission to take the kids out of the country. Will she let you do that? It may be a moot point if not.

Honestly tho, I don't think you all know each other well enough to spend that much time traveling out of the country with children you're not with that often. (Yes, I realize I just contradicted myself.)

I was the child that didn't live with my step-mom and dad and I was treated very differently than the kids that lived there (none of their own together, just my brother and step-brothers). I remember being treated differently very well. We were however always included in family vacations and my dad paid for everything.

 

[mickeyfan2]

mickeyfan2-"DH has said she would not let them fly up, well planes do go both ways and he should have flown down to see them more often. Since his parents live near his kids, did he move away? If so then he made the decision to not see his kids too often."

dh and his ex were both from melbounre, they decided to move to brisbane together to start a family, but were never married. when they broke up, his ex took the kids back to melbounre without asking dh at all, just left one morning, in australia it is actually illegal to remove the kids from their state of birth without concent from both parents. dh never gave his concent. since then dh has tried 'numerous times each year' to arrange with his ex times that he could fly down and visit, but his ex always refuses and will not let him visit, in the pass she has even refused to pass on new addresses and contact number if they had moved.she is afraid the dh was going to try to bring them back up to brisbane by kidnapping them. dhs parents stepped in because they live close to her and now have the kids every 2nd weekend in place of dh. sorry if thats confusing!

Two things that I got out of this post.

1) DH did nothing when she took the kids illegally away from where they resided. He let her go so he bears just as much of the fault in the distance as she does. I have a very dear friend whose ex did this. He went right to the police, hired a private investigator and got the ex/kid extradited back to the state (via the other state's court system). He ended up with sole custody of son. Money was no object for him when it came to his son. He just about lost everything to do this and he would do it all over again. And this was the best thing for the kid. When he was remarrying he asked his son if he would like a step-mom. The kid liked her and said yes. If he said no, my friend would not have remarried. His kids happiness was the most important thing to my friend when his son was a minor. A few years later they asked him if he would like a sibling. Again he said yes he always wanted a little brother or a sister. If he said no, then no more children. At the time of the wedding the boy was 10 and at the time of the new baby he was 13. I really respect the way my friend handled everything. The son is now an adult and they found that the son would go to the step-mom with tough issues first. This shows how much he repected her. This was the result of the step-mom treating him as her son.

2) Since his parents have the kids every other weekend he could fly there every other weekend to spend time with them.

I don't believe he is doing all he can for them. BTW these kids were part of his life before you and the new kids, so yes you do have to share him with them. This is a consequence of a blended family.