should i take my step-kids with us on our trip?very long.

[jt42blue]

hi everyone,

we are actually planning a trip to disneyland/other LA attractions but i wanted to post this question under the family board because i need opinions from different families.

here is some background info: dh has 2 children from a previous relationship, they live with their mum in melbourne australia, we live in brisbane australia, travel wise the difference is approx 2hour plane flight/24 drive. dh and i have been married for 7 years and now have 3 kids of our own with number 4 on the way , because of the distance he does not have access to the kids and until this past december the kids mum has refused to let them flight up to us by themselves, they only came up if dh's parents could bring them up. this is the time we have spent with the kids over the past 7 years-

april 1999- our wedding, i met the kids on our wedding day they stayed at our house with my dhs parents for 1 week.
june 2001- we went to melbourne for a visit for 1 week.
sep 2003- dhs kids and parents came to stay with us for 2 weeks.
oct 2005- we went to melbounre for 2 days for dh dads 60th and saw the kids
dec 2005- we flew dh's kids up to stay with us for 2 weeks over xmas. this was the first xmas dh has ever had with his dd and she is 10years old.

the ages of the kids - dh dsB 13, dh ddN 10, our kids dsJ 6, ddT 4, ddA 2,

having the kids over xmas was a bit of a nightmare. there was constant fighting between the 3 older kids dsB and ddN aways picked on dsJ and was always telling him what to do/what not to do. for example, i told all the kids the bedrooms had to be cleaned before we went out and everyone was to tidy their own mess. dsJ refused to do it because he wasn't feeling well, so for the whole time they were cleaning up dsB and ddN were constantly yelling "J clean up" "j do this" "J get up and help". i told them that i would handle the problem with j and just to worry about their own mess. i know that my complaining about this may seem petty but having to hear my son constantly picked on for every little thing for 2 weeks started to bother me and dh.
the other kids seemed to get on well with each other except my ddT got jealous quite a few times with ddN always wanting dhs attention and wanting to sit on his lap etc (i can undersand this, but ddT only being 4 couldn't understand why she couldn't sit with dad when she wanted).
the whole time they were up, dsB refused to eat every meal i made, always wanting something different usually takeout. for the first week, i offered him a few alternatives but by the second week of his complaining i served up what everyone was eating and basically said eat it or go hungry. i felt bad doing this but i spoke to his mother before they arrived so i new exactly what they would eat and liked. it was getting a bit much having to prepare a different meal just for him when there are 6 others to cook for.

ok, so here is my question, thank you for reading this far...

should we take dh's kids with us when we go to disneyland. i think that we have to and 'it's the right thing to do', but dh said not to. i think it will cause alot of trouble between all thr families if we don't include them. to be honest i really don't want to because this trip is costing us a fortune and it will cost approx $5000 more to include them (just in airfares/visas/park tickets) and i just don't want our first and probably only magical family trip ruined because of fighting between the kids.

another thing is, if we do take them do we ask their mum for any money to help cover the cost. i think if we invite them then we should pay all cost but dh thinks that because he has always paid child support and still does not have regular access that we should ask their mum to pay for some of the cost.

thank you so much for reading this post, i am so sorry it was so long, melissa.

 

[Tjaleks]

This is a tough situation. I think I would tell the mom you would like for them to go, however, you would need her to contribute most if not all of there expenses.


Some may say they are his kids and he should just pay it, but that is a lot of money to invite two additional children along on extended vacation. Also, they are children that honestly you know very little about, (from what I gathered), and may cause serious havoc during this trip. I am sure there are places near by that you can vacation with them in the future, but personally I side with your DH this one. Go to DL and enjoy your time with your family. An vacation like this in not the place to build a relationship with children. JMHO.

Edited....I thiink asking the mom to pay would be a way out of this. So I was not trying to contradict myself, but coming up with an alternative that would make it appear as if you made the effort. Most people have to save for this type of expense so she may not have the money.

 

[dixipixi]

My DH has two children from his first marriage and we have one child together. His children were 5 and 3 when we met. They are now 19 and 16 (almost 17). We have had them at least two weekends a month, at least one month during the summer, and split all other school holidays during the year. My stepson now lives with us.

There is no way we could have ever gotten away with a trip to Disney without them. There have been times when they have indeed tried to "cause trouble" (for lack of a better term) between DH and I, DH and their mother, and their mother and I. There have been times when they "visited" (they've always had their own rooms here and been included as part of the family) that they tried to give me headaches. Just basic kid stuff, trying to push my buttons. Things like not picking up their messes, not helping out around the house, and not wanting to eat what was cooked. As they have gotten older and learned that their dad was not going to abandon them for a new family, we have begun to get along much better.

I know my situation sounds different from yours, but thought you would like to know how we've handled our vacations and when we decided to take or not to take my stepchildren.

We have been together 14 years. We have taken about 22 vacations. There were only 2 of those where both of my stepchildren did not go. DH has paid support as well as medical and school-related expenses for them since his divorce. Their mother has never sent a dime or paid for one bit of their vacations with us. The two trips they did not go on were both short trips (5 days) where we just went to the mountains and relaxed. We could never go to Disney and justify leaving them behind. Our feelings are: If we can't afford it for everybody, then nobody gets to go.

Most of our trips in between Disney are to the mountains. My in laws own a couple of houses up there, so those are "freebie" trips. A couple of times my stepdaughter has decided on her own that she did not want to make the trip to the mountains...but that was her decision. Everyone has always been welcome to go.

Sorry this turned out to be so long. I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way. Just wanted to let you know how we've done things. Being a stepparent is very hard and it helps me to know there are others out there dealing with the same things.

Best of Luck!!!!

 

[mum of two pirates]

I have a SD that is going to be 16 in april. DH and I have been together just over 15 1/2 years. We have been married 10. Thia coming dec we are going on a week to wdw and then on the Dcruise for 7 days. DH and I have two boys 6 & 8. SD comes every morning before school, every other weekend and split holidays and a week on a week off in the summer. always has since she was two- (they were married) So She has not gone on a familey vacation with us sence she was five. She chooses not to. I took her and her friend and my friend and daughter for a week long stay when dsd turned 11 to the hotsprings. and this spring she went for 3 days to my bil new house on a private lake for 3 days. We made her. She wouldn't go the next time thoe. (His old house ocean front was the only vacation she took with us- when she was 5) I made her go to disney on ice with us this year but she didn't want to and of course complained. She has gone to the hotel a couple of times with us for a overnight stay, but she complains so much about everything, her brothers, dad, t.v. that it pisses me off. Then if someone says something to her she will pout. So when I planned our vacation two years ago, I asked her if she wanted to go. She wanted us to take her best friend so she would have someone to hang with. Tehn She said no becouse she woulod miss school and her friend couldnt go. Then she wanted me to change and go in the summer or christmass break. I said no, it costs to much, you go when we do or not at all. She choose not to go. Then DH and I talked and then he and her got in a fight about it, becouse she wouldn't go and He told her we wouldn't even invite her anymore ever period, for familey vacations if she cant go with the familey, were not asking anymore. So I booked and didn't book her. Then about 6 months agao she decided she wanted to go now. I said talk to your dad about it. I told DH it would now cost us $1700 more just for the cruise, instead of $800 when we booked. I told him it was up to him, He said no, she shouldn't be able to go becouse we are going to wdw when she has choosen not to go all the times before. yesterday he asked me if she was going when we were talking about it. I told him he better decide and stick with it. That I would book her into the wdw part but not the cruise noe in my opion it was to late. I want her to go, but I don't want all the fighting between them 4 in the hotel and where to go ect. She can't get along with the boys and drop stuff when they are wrong she has to argue untill they see her way. I have always included her this is MY VACATION IT IS REALLY ALL ABOUT ME. IT IS I THAT WANTS TO GO< ME ME ME. I don't want the extra stress, but would do it if she will be nice, It would cost us anoughter hotel roon and her park and plain and then dining plan, but I also don't want to to resent us for the rest of our lives becouse we took the boys and not her, but it was her choice in the first place. I would not take your step kids as it would end up to stressfull and ruin your famileys vacation. You thought your post was long. lol

 

[dazeddaisy]

Why hello Brisbanite (well I am a former now).

Why not take a short weekend trip over australia day or easter and have a trial run of the holiday? ie take the kids to the Gold Coast or somewhere and see how they react. It might have been the home enviroment that made the step children behave like that, or the fact they do not really know your family.

I know my finace and I planned to take his brothers family to LA, but after a trail run in a north england seaside town (blackpool), we decided it was too much hassel and we would not have any fun ourselves and would be almost better off flushing the £5000 down the toilet.

Why not ask your children and see if they want the step-siblings to come along?

You could also approach the mother and tell her your plans and offer that she pays half of the trip.

Just remember this is your holiday too, and you need to have fun. An 18 hour flight with kids fighting will kill off any fun before you even get there.

 

[Schmeck]

Ask a 6 yr old and 4 yr old if they want half siblings along? Of course they'll say no.

I think it's great that the OP wants to include her husband's other children. They need to have some family meetings first to set down the rules though. And the rules have to be for all of the kids (age appropriate, of course). You'll have to think of all of the kids as being yours!

 

[grlpwrd]

I think if you and your dh can set ground rules and get some issues resolved prior to your trip I think it's very do-able. I don't think it's wise to ask the 6 and 4yo what they think because based on past experiences they would likely say no. I would give the older kids a chance. This trip may just be an impetus of making the family bond stronger.

The conflicts between the kids and because they are from 2 different age groups poses lots of challenges so I would at least have your dh take the older kids on the older rides while you are with your younger 3, trade off, and do some things together, too.

From what you've mentioned it seems as if your dh is not as proactive with them as he should or perhaps it's because you didn't mention his role in their lives in your post and I am assuming. Does he discipline them accordingly and did he reprimand them during Christmas break? Like I stated earlier it might be best that he set the ground rules and get issues resolved first.

It also seems that his older children just want some love and attention as you gave the example of your stepson acting out with your 6yo and the fact your stepdd wanted to sit in her dad's lap plus the eating issues which is a manifestation of power issues. Maybe it's time he/you let them know it by the action of bringing them along on this trip.

GL!

 

[mrzrich]

I think an amusment park would be best. This way you will have an idea of how the children will handle lines, spending, eating in restaurants, and compromise when one child wants to do one thing and another wants to do something else. If you are somewhat local, you can take them home if things start to go bad.

As a 10 year veteran step parent, I have a sinking suspicion that a large disney trip with this bunch would be a nightmare.

These kids have issues with your DH, you and your children. They are angry and deserve to be. They've seen there dad 5 times in seven years. I understand that there moms made visitation difficult, but ultimately your DH should have found a way to see them more. He especially should have introduced them to you before you got married.

They are mean to you and your children because you get their dad everyday and they get him 5 times in seven years.

An extended holiday staying in hotel rooms, dining out, thousands of miles from home, the bad behavior seen when the visit your home will be intensified.

Good Luck!

 

[Mom to Jordan]

With the shakey relationship with mom, you might need to find out if she would even LET them go out of the county with your family. No real advice but to point out that you are bending over backwards to try to create a relationship with these children and someday they will thank-you.

Godd luck.

 

[mickeyfan2]

IMHO you need to take them and pay their way. DH has said she would not let them fly up, well planes do go both ways and he should have flown down to see them more often. Since his parents live near his kids, did he move away? If so then he made the decision to not see his kids too often. You need to include them if there is every to be a chance that they will be part of your family. I think if you do not take them the relationship maybe strained and never recover and in a worse case senario they may not see him once they get a little bit older.

 

[bunny]

I think a better place to post this message is at www.secondwivesclub.com. It is a disscusion board exclusively for second wives. I think a lot of people who have not lived this situation will give you advice about the ethics etc. However, women in the situatioin will probably give you different advice. I don't have time to read all these threads now but I will say I would not take them. I have three older stepchildren and two small children of my own with DH. We do not take the older children on our trips. If we want to visit them, we bring them to our house where we can spend quiet time with them. They too live hours away by plane and we have had little contact with them over the years but have always sent a large amount of child support. An expensive vacation is not the place to learn how to bond. Also if the children don't know about it how would it even hurt them. To me it would just be throwing money down the hole. If you would like to PM me, you can. As I said in the beginning go to www.secondwivesclub.com, register and then post this question. One last thought- just think of the jealousy this will cause with their mother. My husband's ex-wife would spit nails if she knew we could afford to go to WDW, even if we did take her kids. She thinks all of our extra money should be hers. This could make your relationship with her even worse.

 

[kellyg403]

We have a yours, mine, ours situation. Its really hard to take children that really don't know you all that well or possibly don't want to go on such a long vacation. Before my dh's two daughter's came to live with us, dealing with the situation sometimes was touchy when we went on vacation. Their mom kinda made it sound like that dh should spend time with 2 dd's alone as they were not accustomed to having/being around a large number of children (5 more step/half siblings) and she did not want them to feel bad because they weren't the focus. When we did take them someplace it sometimes was a nightmare, the oldest 11 was a great kid, the 9 year old would not even brush her teeth, her mom did that and wanted me or dh too, she would not take a shower alone, her mom still did her hair washing etc. On one trip, when I had to tie her shoes for the 12th time I had finally came to the point where I voiced my feelings to dh. I would try to spend more time with the kids before taking them on extended vacations. Being comfortable and wanting to push your buttons is totally normal as well as having difficulties with siblings when they don't have any but each other. You and their dad need to get to know them better as well as your children. Sometimes my closest family gets on my nerves on long term vacations. And no flames please, but the cost is something I would hesitate about. Maybe talking to mom and getting half but depending on the amount of child support and mom's costs for the children there may not be a huge amount left over. My ex thinks he gives me a fortune but really after gymnastics, sports, music lessons and instruments, and all their other activites there isn't much left over for the the real stuff like food! You may leave yourself open to mom saying to the kids they couldn't go because you wouldn't pay and that is an animosity you don't need!

JMHO!
Kelly

 

[mickeyfan2]

JMO But every divorced Dad that I know who pays child supports says he send a fortune and every divorced Mom say she gets so little. Both can be true in the same family. It is a point of view.

 

[taximomfor4]

Different perspective...this comes from a stepchild. My dad moved across the country (from Ohio to SoCal) when I was 6. He came back 4 yrs later with a new stepmom for us, with a son. We hated her. We had power struggles, felt my dad had replaced us with a new family. We saw him very few times while he was gone...whenever he could throw enough $ together to get a plane ticket home, he would stay with my grandma and we would have visits with him till he flew back to CA. So when he came back to stay, with his new family, we had BIG problems. We didn't even go to their Ohio wedding, even though stepmom had bought us dresses. To make a long story longer, they DID invite us on EVERY family vacation they took. EVERY one. We only went one year, our choice. They only booked vacations that they could afford WITH us (3 extra kids). I cannot even imagine, now, how bitter I would have been, if they had taken all the "good" vacations without us. And nope, they never asked mom to pay part of it.

We did not have a good time getting along, btw. But we also didn't usually get along with each other, either. Some kids have such different personalities that they just clash. My dd12 (my dd, dh's stepdd) and my ds6 have been at each other since ds was a toddler...although both of them get along fine with the other kids in the house most of the time. If we were gave "better" vacations or otherwise preferential treatment to ds, I shudder to think how much worse they would get along.

That all said, only you truly know the dynamics with these kids in your vacation plans. But remember, they are just kids. They will deal with the intense hurt they must feel in less than constructive ways. I feel for you, as whichever decision you make, it will be difficult. My biggest concern, really, is the potential pain your going to DL without them might cause.

 

[MissSixty]

Your step children likely act up out of anger/hurt/jealousy, they never see their dad. Can't imagine not taking them with if possible. They are his first children. They will feel "replaced" by his "new family" if they are not included in that trip.

 

[kellyg403]

JMO But every divorced Dad that I know who pays child supports says he send a fortune and every divorced Mom say she gets so little. Both can be true in the same family. It is a point of view.

I absolutely agree. I also agree that not at least extending the invitation for the vacation regardless of the $$$ will probably cause hurt feelings and long lasting resentment. I also grew up in a divorced family. When bio dad remarried his new wife had emotional problems and health issues. It was too much to have me and my two sisters at her house along with her 4 bio boys. We lost contact with our father eventually and it has stayed that way for over 30 years. Mostly resentement because my bio could have made arrangements to see us but did not without her. Any attempts made had to be secret as to not upset her. My stepdad is my dad noone else. Whether your skids want to come or not will be on them once they are invited but I agree with the other poster that not at least inviting them whatever the stipulations are could open a whole new can of worms. JMHO and nothing more. There is no way to know what one's family dynamics are when you don't know them personally.

 

[HappyLawyer]

the main thing is can you afford to take the children. I don't think they need to be included in your vacation plans, it would be different if they lived with you or would be there during the time of your tripI know you would not leave them there. Is there another type of outing that can be done, i mean 6 kids is a lot, trust me, i know with the recent addition of 5 to my home. Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[LadyJanel]

My parents divorced when my brother and I were young and my father remarried a few years later to a woman that had 2 daughters. My brother didn't particularly get along with the daughters and especially not the step-mom though I was usually the person trying to get everyone to get along. When we visited my dad we were basically outsiders at a home we should have felt comfortable in. We had to live out of a suitcase because they couldn't clean out one drawer for us to put our stuff in for a week, the step-sisters would show us all of their new stuff like new waterbeds my dad had bought them yet we never saw anything like that given to us.

We called our dad at least once a week. During one of these phone calls one year he mentioned that they were all going down to Disney World for vacation during a week he was supposed to have us anyway and we were on the route for him heading down to Disney. My brother was thrilled!! We had never been before and had always wanted to go plus he loved spending time with our dad. We waited and waited and didn't hear or see him. My mom, after pressure from me, called our grandparents (his parents) because we were worried he had gotten in an accident or something since he wasn't there. They were finally able to reach him down at WDW and he called back and said that he was sorry but that he didn't think they had enough time or money to take us and that he thought we understood that the reason he had told us about the trip was so that we would know why he couldn't get us the week he was supposed to. My brother was devestated. My maternal grandparents felt so bad about seeing him so upset that they surprised us with a trip there a few weeks later. It was great but it wasn't the same to my brother.

My dad and that stepmother (AKA the evil one) divorced a few years later and he eventually met our second stepmother. She basically slapped him up against the head and told him that he was an airhead and that it was his responsibility to make sure he kept a bond with us and treated us fairly. She went on to have my brother and sister (whom I love dearly) but would always make sure that we were invited on any "family" vacation even if we couldn't or chose not to go -- we were always welcome. After the experience with the first stepmom, it took a little while for my brother to come around and be nice to her but she eventually won him over.

My dad is still an airhead and doesn't work on his relationship with us like he should but when my 2nd stepmother divorced him, she insisted that in the divorce decree that my brother and I get specific visitation time alloted for our brother and sister. She's flexible and we can see them any time we want (especially now that they're teenagers) and she even makes sure that her new husband treats not only her kids but my brother and I with respect so that we feel like we are a part of their family as well (though the new husband is more like that weird uncle no one likes to talk to).

Basically through this whole long thing what I am saying is that your husband is being an airhead and should insist on making his first two children a priority and a part of your family. They should be going on vacation with you though there is no reason you and hubby can't have some alone time without ALL children when you are there. Even though it should be his responsibility you need to be more open and make those kids know that you want them there, too. Make space for them, let them help with the planning, treat them how you would want a stepmother to treat your children.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I am glad to see points of views from the step-kids. And just as LadyJanel pointed out, there could be another marriage in the future for DH (but I sure hope not!!!!), so how you teach him to threat his first kids maybe the exact way he treats his second kids if he gets a third family in the future. He may not learn, but it is worth the time to try to teach him.

 

[mjbplus3]

I can totally relate to your situation. My husbands daughter if 5 years older than our 2 and she is so bossy to the younger ones. Most of time we are all together, the stress level is so high for everyone. The younger ones miss her when she is not there, but are really releaved when she leaves. Lately we have managed to take every other trip without her and we all enjoy it better. The dh feels guilty when she isn't there, but the rest of us don't mind at all. Our trip next year will be with her for the first half and the second half without. We have also done it this way one another time and it worked well for us. She of course mooped around about missing one second of fun. I get frustrated spending all that money to get more stressed than when I am at work.
The one thing that no one mentioned is that those children also get vacations with their mom which yours don't go. With the every other or split vacation, I figure it evens out.
I would suggest planning a trip either before or after that includes them in a less stressful setting. Good luck and enjoy the trip without them.