Should I do something about a defaced gravestone?

[ronandannette]

Thank you for the information - and as for him showing up with a shovel, I would not put it past him. That said, it is very unlikely that he would pay that kind of money and then have to pay for her to be buried elsewhere. My husband has surgery Thursday so I will tell him next week if I find out that it has indeed been defaced. If not, there's nothing to tell. I lost sleep thinking about this last night.

Rest assured - that is very, very illegal. Unless this graveyard is in some remote, rural location there's no way something like that wouldn't be noticed.

 

[Disney Frenhines]

Either way, it's pathetic that he should use your late Mother in Law's grave to score points., I had something similar happen with my late husband's grave by family members, not defacing it, but, trying to score points off me by using it, including posting photos of it on facebook without my knowledge and even taking the flowers out of my pot and putting their own one on it. It got to the point where I wished I'd had him cremated so the ghouls couldn't continue their insidious behaviour.

Like others have said, check the stone yourself or have someone check it, if it has been desecrated that may be a criminal offence, don't call the cops this time, but, warn him that after the stone is repaired that if it happens again you will involve the police. He won't be able to exhume her without you knowing, so don't worry about that.
I think he is just being incredibly childish and attention seeking, that he hasn't done anything to the grave, but, if checking eases your mind then do so.

 

[TupperMom]

Update - My sister agreed to drive with me to the cemetery. It is indeed defaced with smeared on cement or concrete. My MIL's name and date of birth and death have been filled in with some type of concrete mixture. I took pictures of it. There is no one else that would have done this to the stone except bil. Once things are steady here at home with DH, I will tell him about it. If he chooses to do something about it, I will support him. If he does not want to do anything about it I will support him. MIL is no longer here and nothing will bring her back, but this is very wrong. My own Mom died a little over a year ago and if anyone did anything to her grave I would be very very upset.

 

[Searc]

Update - My sister agreed to drive with me to the cemetery. It is indeed defaced with smeared on cement or concrete. My MIL's name and date of birth and death have been filled in with some type of concrete mixture. I took pictures of it. There is no one else that would have done this to the stone except bil. Once things are steady here at home with DH, I will tell him about it. If he chooses to do something about it, I will support him. If he does not want to do anything about it I will support him. MIL is no longer here and nothing will bring her back, but this is very wrong. My own Mom died a little over a year ago and if anyone did anything to her grave I would be very very upset.

I'm so sorry. Easier said than done, but focus on your DH's health and recovery.

 

[Hrhpd]

Update - My sister agreed to drive with me to the cemetery. It is indeed defaced with smeared on cement or concrete. My MIL's name and date of birth and death have been filled in with some type of concrete mixture. I took pictures of it. There is no one else that would have done this to the stone except bil. Once things are steady here at home with DH, I will tell him about it. If he chooses to do something about it, I will support him. If he does not want to do anything about it I will support him. MIL is no longer here and nothing will bring her back, but this is very wrong. My own Mom died a little over a year ago and if anyone did anything to her grave I would be very very upset.

Excellent choice. Support your husband's decisions. Try not to interfere yourself because you might cause the brother to act out in spite even more.

I know I would be slightly irritated if my brother's wife, a non-blood relative, started sticking her nose in and telling me what I am allowed to do with MY parent's grave or even worse, started calling the police. If I would be slightly irritated, I cannot imagine how someone as immature as the brother might be react if their sister-in-law started telling him what to do. It may cause him to really do something stupid just in spite. Take a deep breath and tell yourself it is only a rock. Your memories and love will always be in your heart.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery for your husband.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I'm so sorry it wasn't just the photo that was altered.

If it weren't for the timing with your DH's surgery, I'd probably have called the cops as soon as I found that part out.

 

[bethwc101]

My husband's brother (estranged) hated their mother. He has said many times since she died that she was a terrible person, nobody liked her, etc which was not true. I check his FB page occasionally to see if he will be making any visits to our state as I don't want to run into him at Walmart or something and I want to be more aware of strange cars near our house.
He posted something today about their father's birthday being yesterday and how old he would've been and included a photo of the gravesite. In looking at the gravestone, I noticed that his mother's name has been cemented over! I am almost sick about this. Granted we do not visit the cemetery often as neither my husband nor I are inclined to go there, but this is just not right. It's like he is trying to pretend that she didn't exist.
Now I have not told my husband what I have seen because he is having surgery this week and is supposed to avoid stress. This is going to make him blow his top! I was thinking of driving down to the cemetery to see if the name is really gone and make sure that it doesn't appear that her body has been removed (I would not put it past him).
Isn't it a crime to do something to a gravestone? I don't want him to get away with doing this but haven't a clue what to do about it.

I would also be careful in saying she wasn't a terrible person. There is the chance she did terrible and horrible things to him, but was a charmer to everyone else. I know somebody like that. A very charming person to anybody who didn't grow up around him, but to those who were on the end of his wrath were abused and beaten and very bad things happened to him. And your husband might not even know.

 

[mom2rtk]

I was so sure the photo was altered. I'm so sorry that wasn't the case and you have to hold this secret for now.

 

[lynxstch]

I too am very sorry that this happened. I understand your waiting to tell your husband, but when you saw that it was actually defaced, and now have pictures to prove it, I would have immediately contacted the cemetary and let them know about it. Maybe they can do something to help. Best wishes for your husband to have a successful surgery and a full, speedy recovery, and good luck with the headstone issue. Please let your DIS family know what happens with all of it!

 

[Imzadi]

OP, sorry this has happened. It must be so upsetting. Please do report this to the cemetery. Perhaps they have had this happen before, or know of other incidents where this has happened and how to repair the gravestone. They may have a sander or Dremel tool that can take off the cement without much damage.

As for contacting the police, unfortunately even though you KNOW 100% that your BIL did this, unless you have an eyewitness or video of him doing it, the police can't/won't do anything. They need actual evidence he did it, not suspicions. They may interview him, asking if he knows what happened to it. But without an actual witness proving he did it, he can say he found it that way.

 

[TupperMom]

I was so sure the photo was altered. I'm so sorry that wasn't the case and you have to hold this secret for now.

I was hoping that was the case because I didn't want to believe that someone could be that awful to do something so awful. But he's unstable so guess I shouldn't be surprised.

 

[DisneyOma]

Would you want to repair it if it is in fact defaced? Defacing it is terrible and that would be my first instinct too, but I'd be cautious of any steps you take to remedy this because the brother sounds like a loose cannon. Someone who would do something like that isn't working with a full deck, and I wouldn't put it past him to do something to you in retaliation. He will eventually see that whatever he did to deface it has been repaired, and that could set him off.

SO, you walk through life letting people do nasty things because you are afraid to set them off?

If it were me I'd stay out of it and say/do nothing.
I would not get involved. The brother clearly has mommy issues, its his mother's headstone and while defacing it isn't right, it isn't my problem.
I would just wait and tell dh when he's up to hearing about it and let him deal with it and his brother.

I'm so glad I am much closer to my husband's side of our family than the above statement. Must be sad to live like that.

I don't think you have to worry about anyone with a shovel. It would take days to dig a large hole 6 feet deep. Someone would notice a large hole being dug over a few days. And he would need friends to lift the casket out of the ground. It would be quite the project, not an impulse thing that could be done in a few hours during the night.

As for the gravestone, sounds like you are contacting the caretaker which is the proper way to handle this. Otherwise, leave it to the brothers to work out their mother's grave. Their mother, their issue to handle between themselves even if you were really close to your MIL. Just because you knew one side of your MIL does not mean the feelings of the other son are not valid. You have no idea how she treated him behind closed doors. Better to leave it to the family that knows the family secrets.

Even if she wasn't nice to the brother (sounds like he's a bit of a git) it's against the law to deface a gravestone. Are you saying it's okay for an adult to act out like this idiot is?

Excellent choice. Support your husband's decisions. Try not to interfere yourself because you might cause the brother to act out in spite even more.

I know I would be slightly irritated if my brother's wife, a non-blood relative, started sticking her nose in and telling me what I am allowed to do with MY parent's grave or even worse, started calling the police. If I would be slightly irritated, I cannot imagine how someone as immature as the brother might be react if their sister-in-law started telling him what to do. It may cause him to really do something stupid just in spite. Take a deep breath and tell yourself it is only a rock. Your memories and love will always be in your heart.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery for your husband.

So glad that our family doesn't act like the above. What is it about "blood" that makes it okay or not to do something? If that were how things worked in my family, my FIL wouldn't be alive today. I spoon-fed him in the hospital, and my SIL (not "blood" either) has done way more to get him out of the hospital and home. Family isn't all about blood.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'm so glad I am much closer to my husband's side of our family than the above statement. Must be sad to live like that.

LOL,I'm very close to my dh's family however I know when to let my dh handle things that directly concern him and his siblings.
And trust me, not interjecting myself (other than informing my dh of what I'd seen) would be very much appreciated by dh and all of his siblings. We're just crazy like that, we respect each other enough to not butt in and take control. YMMV.

 

[nkereina]

SO, you walk through life letting people do nasty things because you are afraid to set them off?

No, I choose my battles wisely because I'm an adult with family and assets to protect, and our safety comes before anything else. And in the OP's scenario, I would think the deceased mother would rather have a defaced gravestone than risk the safety of the family because of the loose cannon of a BIL. "Setting off' someone who may have a mental illness is very different than angering a person with all their wits. And it seems as though the BIL may have mental incapacities based on his actions.

 

[MamaBelle4]

If it is damaged, would repairing it even be worth it.. I mean if u think he did it, he’d likely do it again?

Yes. Headstones are not just for the living generations. You can't allow a criminal to erase history.

OP, I am so sorry you're going through this. I would absolutely contact the cemetery, they may be able to fix it. Then, maybe some kind of nanny cam so you can catch him in the act. That may seem extreme, but it is your husband's mother's headstone as well. The kind of person who would deface a headstone, that is just appalling. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope your husband's surgery goes well and he recovers quickly.

 

[ronandannette]

I would also be careful in saying she wasn't a terrible person. There is the chance she did terrible and horrible things to him, but was a charmer to everyone else. I know somebody like that. A very charming person to anybody who didn't grow up around him, but to those who were on the end of his wrath were abused and beaten and very bad things happened to him. And your husband might not even know.

And even if this were true (huge, huge leap on your part) how would it justify his actions? The rest of the family should just shrug and move on?

 

[bethwc101]

And even if this were true (huge, huge leap on your part) how would it justify his actions? The rest of the family should just shrug and move on?

Absolutely not. Even if this person was horrible, it doesn't justify the actions. I'm just saying they need to be careful when they go around saying this person was wonderful. Maybe to them, but someone else could have had an entirely different experience with that person.

 

[bcla]

Defacing a gravestone is at the very least vandalism. In most states it's a specific crime of desecration of a gravesite. Here's an example for New York State:

https://www.nysenate.gov/legislation/laws/PEN/145.22​

https://www.nysenate.gov/legislation/laws/PEN/145.23​

Section 145.23 Cemetery desecration in the first degree ​

​

A person is guilty of cemetery desecration in the first degree when with intent to damage property of another person, and having no right to do so nor any reasonable ground to believe that he has such right, he:

(a) damages any real or personal property maintained as a cemetery plot, grave, burial place or other place of interment of human remains in an amount exceeding two hundred fifty dollars; or​

 

[bookgirl]

My husband's brother (estranged) hated their mother. He has said many times since she died that she was a terrible person, nobody liked her, etc which was not true. I check his FB page occasionally to see if he will be making any visits to our state as I don't want to run into him at Walmart or something and I want to be more aware of strange cars near our house.
He posted something today about their father's birthday being yesterday and how old he would've been and included a photo of the gravesite. In looking at the gravestone, I noticed that his mother's name has been cemented over! I am almost sick about this. Granted we do not visit the cemetery often as neither my husband nor I are inclined to go there, but this is just not right. It's like he is trying to pretend that she didn't exist.
Now I have not told my husband what I have seen because he is having surgery this week and is supposed to avoid stress. This is going to make him blow his top! I was thinking of driving down to the cemetery to see if the name is really gone and make sure that it doesn't appear that her body has been removed (I would not put it past him).
Isn't it a crime to do something to a gravestone? I don't want him to get away with doing this but haven't a clue what to do about it.

I'd report it to the cemetery. They need to be aware of the defacement and to be alert for future harm. They may also know the best way to restore it.

 

[Imzadi]

Then, maybe some kind of nanny cam so you can catch him in the act.

The cemetery might not allow this. There was a cemetery nearby that had several gravestones spray painted with swastikas, a few months ago. And another cemetery, just a few weeks ago, had several gravestones toppled over. Some could be placed back up. But, many were broken off and ruined. Quite a few were very old and elaborately detailed, like a hundred years or older. The first desecration was infuriating to see. The second was heartbreaking.

In both instances, I don't think there was any video surveillance recovered. (Unless they happened to find a camera from across the street.) I wondered about why no surveillance cameras. In this area, almost everyone & nearly every place has a camera nowadays. But, in thinking about it, if I was deeply grieving at the grave of my loved one, I wouldn't want it being recorded. That would be such an invasion of privacy. So, the cemeteries may err on the side of privacy over surveillance.