Should I do something about a defaced gravestone?

[TupperMom]

My husband's brother (estranged) hated their mother. He has said many times since she died that she was a terrible person, nobody liked her, etc which was not true. I check his FB page occasionally to see if he will be making any visits to our state as I don't want to run into him at Walmart or something and I want to be more aware of strange cars near our house.
He posted something today about their father's birthday being yesterday and how old he would've been and included a photo of the gravesite. In looking at the gravestone, I noticed that his mother's name has been cemented over! I am almost sick about this. Granted we do not visit the cemetery often as neither my husband nor I are inclined to go there, but this is just not right. It's like he is trying to pretend that she didn't exist.
Now I have not told my husband what I have seen because he is having surgery this week and is supposed to avoid stress. This is going to make him blow his top! I was thinking of driving down to the cemetery to see if the name is really gone and make sure that it doesn't appear that her body has been removed (I would not put it past him).
Isn't it a crime to do something to a gravestone? I don't want him to get away with doing this but haven't a clue what to do about it.

 

[Colleen27]

Driving past the grave would be a good first step because it could just be a clumsy photoshopping out of the name. I wouldn't get too worked up unless I knew for a fact that something had actually been done to deface the grave. If it turns out that the damage is to the actual grave, not just to the posted photo, you and your husband can deal with arranging repairs when he's feeling up to it.

 

[Disney Doll]

Take a look in person. If it’s been defaced it can be repaired. You can’t accuse him of doing it without proof but you can have it repaired.

 

[theluckyrabbit]

Is anyone in charge of caring for the cemetery? You could contact that person to ask about this. Maybe they could check on the headstone and let you know if everything is all right.

 

[wgeo]

Is anyone in charge of caring for the cemetery? You could contact that person to ask about this. Maybe they could check on the headstone and let you know if everything is all right.

This is what I was going to say - a quick phone call may relieve your worries the fastest. They would also have any information if the brother had actually managed to have the body removed (although this seems unlikely, as its not easy or cheap to do)

 

[bgirldeb]

I agree to see if a caretaker can check on it.

Take a screenshot of his post in case it is needed as evidence in the future.

 

[ronandannette]

My husband's brother (estranged) hated their mother. He has said many times since she died that she was a terrible person, nobody liked her, etc which was not true. I check his FB page occasionally to see if he will be making any visits to our state as I don't want to run into him at Walmart or something and I want to be more aware of strange cars near our house.
He posted something today about their father's birthday being yesterday and how old he would've been and included a photo of the gravesite. In looking at the gravestone, I noticed that his mother's name has been cemented over! I am almost sick about this. Granted we do not visit the cemetery often as neither my husband nor I are inclined to go there, but this is just not right. It's like he is trying to pretend that she didn't exist.
Now I have not told my husband what I have seen because he is having surgery this week and is supposed to avoid stress. This is going to make him blow his top! I was thinking of driving down to the cemetery to see if the name is really gone and make sure that it doesn't appear that her body has been removed (I would not put it past him).
Isn't it a crime to do something to a gravestone? I don't want him to get away with doing this but haven't a clue what to do about it.

Number one is to confirm if anything has actually happened. I didn’t see where you mentioned if the cemetery is local to you; go in person if you can or call the management/owner if you cannot. If the headstone has been vandalized you should have been notified by them as they are responsible for the security and maintenance of the facility. If vandalism has occurred, report it to the local police immediately and truthfully answer any questions they ask about who you think may have done it, then leave that part in their hands.

Wacky as this sounds, I’d check with my homeowners’ insurance policy and the cemetery contract to see if there is any coverage available for repairing the stone. If not, I’d find a way to have it done myself and the cemetery management should be able to recommend a service provider if you don’t remember who made it originally.

As for your MIL having been disinterred, I agree with @wgeo - it’s very unlikely. One can’t simply show up with a shovel. It would require permits from whatever authority has jurisdiction, would have had to be coordinated with the cemetery and conducted professionally and then another “legal” form of disposition would have had to take place. Having been in funeral service, I can tell you that would equal about a $6,000 - $10,000 expense, quite an investment for a weirdo with a grudge.

Sooner or later your husband will have to be informed and I’m so sorry the timing isn’t good. Grace and peace to you both.

 

[nkereina]

Would you want to repair it if it is in fact defaced? Defacing it is terrible and that would be my first instinct too, but I'd be cautious of any steps you take to remedy this because the brother sounds like a loose cannon. Someone who would do something like that isn't working with a full deck, and I wouldn't put it past him to do something to you in retaliation. He will eventually see that whatever he did to deface it has been repaired, and that could set him off.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Wow! It's hard to believe someone would do something like that.

I agree with taking a look if you're local or checking with the caretaker if you're not. Hopefully the photo was doctored, not the stone.

Timing is a concern, though, as I understand you don't want your DH stressing about it right now.

 

[Cindy's Mom]

wow - as others have suggested - I'd call the office of the cemetery as have them take a look, as far as disinternment (sp - that word is not in my wheelhouse) - I believe you need a court order for that and then what do you think he did with her after. I don't think you should worry about that.

 

[Hikergirl]

If it were me I'd stay out of it and say/do nothing.
I would not get involved. The brother clearly has mommy issues, its his mother's headstone and while defacing it isn't right, it isn't my problem.
I would just wait and tell dh when he's up to hearing about it and let him deal with it and his brother.

 

[Kennywood]

I'd be surprised if the actual headstone was defaced. As Colleen27 mentioned, it could simply be a case of bad Photoshopping. The guy wanted to honor his dad but didn't want his mom's name to also appear in the picture. So, he just greyed out his mom's information on the picture. It's easily done, even without Photoshop.

Have the cemetery check the headstone, just to be sure. There's really no need for you to go there yourself, at this point. Stay with your husband and help him prepare for his surgery this week. You were right not to mention this to him right now. Get the facts together first and then talk to him about this after his surgery.

 

[RangerPooh]

I agree with so many of the previous posters. Contact the cemetery first to find out if they infact received any authorization to cover it or to have the grave disturbed in any way. If nothing was authorized and was in fact done then that is a different matter all together. At that point you can replace, repair, contact police for vandalism, etc. It sounds like brother isn't too keene on dear old mom, and might do more.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Are you sure this wasn't photoshopped or something?

 

[SharonZ]

Before jumping to any conclusions, I agree with the others that have said to contact the cemetery and let them take a look at the gravestone.

 

[TupperMom]

Is anyone in charge of caring for the cemetery? You could contact that person to ask about this. Maybe they could check on the headstone and let you know if everything is all right.

Thank you, I am trying to find out if there is a caretaker.

 

[TupperMom]

Number one is to confirm if anything has actually happened. I didn’t see where you mentioned if the cemetery is local to you; go in person if you can or call the management/owner if you cannot. If the headstone has been vandalized you should have been notified by them as they are responsible for the security and maintenance of the facility. If vandalism has occurred, report it to the local police immediately and truthfully answer any questions they ask about who you think may have done it, then leave that part in their hands.

Wacky as this sounds, I’d check with my homeowners’ insurance policy and the cemetery contract to see if there is any coverage available for repairing the stone. If not, I’d find a way to have it done myself and the cemetery management should be able to recommend a service provider if you don’t remember who made it originally.

As for your MIL having been disinterred, I agree with @wgeo - it’s very unlikely. One can’t simply show up with a shovel. It would require permits from whatever authority has jurisdiction, would have had to be coordinated with the cemetery and conducted professionally and then another “legal” form of disposition would have had to take place. Having been in funeral service, I can tell you that would equal about a $6,000 - $10,000 expense, quite an investment for a weirdo with a grudge.

Sooner or later your husband will have to be informed and I’m so sorry the timing isn’t good. Grace and peace to you both.

Thank you for the information - and as for him showing up with a shovel, I would not put it past him. That said, it is very unlikely that he would pay that kind of money and then have to pay for her to be buried elsewhere. My husband has surgery Thursday so I will tell him next week if I find out that it has indeed been defaced. If not, there's nothing to tell. I lost sleep thinking about this last night.

 

[ncc1701]

Thank you, I am trying to find out if there is a caretaker.

If DH's family used a funeral home they may have the information for the cemetery.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Sorry ur losing sleep over this very upsetting situation. Hoping the photo was just photoshopped and it’s all a non issue.
If it is damaged, would repairing it even be worth it.. I mean if u think he did it, he’d likely do it again?
I’d just keep my thoughts and prayers at/in your home and since you haven’t gone to the cemetery anyway... just let it go.

Best of luck to ur hubby on the upcoming surgery.

 

[Hrhpd]

Thank you for the information - and as for him showing up with a shovel, I would not put it past him. That said, it is very unlikely that he would pay that kind of money and then have to pay for her to be buried elsewhere. My husband has surgery Thursday so I will tell him next week if I find out that it has indeed been defaced. If not, there's nothing to tell. I lost sleep thinking about this last night.

I don't think you have to worry about anyone with a shovel. It would take days to dig a large hole 6 feet deep. Someone would notice a large hole being dug over a few days. And he would need friends to lift the casket out of the ground. It would be quite the project, not an impulse thing that could be done in a few hours during the night.

As for the gravestone, sounds like you are contacting the caretaker which is the proper way to handle this. Otherwise, leave it to the brothers to work out their mother's grave. Their mother, their issue to handle between themselves even if you were really close to your MIL. Just because you knew one side of your MIL does not mean the feelings of the other son are not valid. You have no idea how she treated him behind closed doors. Better to leave it to the family that knows the family secrets.