Should I be annoyed?

[Good Morning Dewdrop]

I would be annoyed.

It's done so I wouldn't let it ruin Christmas

I would have dh talk to MIL when everyone is calm and ask her never to do that again. I can see her pride in her grandchildren, however I am a private person (no FB) so I side with you if you don't want their images or info out there I think she should respect that.

 

[tar heel]

This just doesn't sound that bad to me. If I were a MIL, I'm not even sure I would understand that my DIL and DS not having a Facebook meant that I couldn't do this. If they only sent 100 cards, then they sent them to people they know. Just my opinion, but I think this is looking for trouble where there really shouldn't be any.

 

[CAFarmerGirl]

If she knew your privacy policy, she seriously crossed some boundaries. I have one of those MIL's. I put up with her for over a decade and let *many* boundary issues slide before I finally cut her off. DH is welcome to visit/call/whatever, but I refuse to spend another second with her. Funny thing, she calls and whines to dh about not being allowed on our property to see the kids (she really only wants to be here to see the critters, she never begged to go to our other suburban house), but never asks to speak with the children that she supposedly misses.

People are right: life is too short. I refuse to spend it with people who are so completely disrespectful.

 

[100AcreWood]

Since it would seem that your MIL is trying to get a rise out of you, refuse to play her game. Do not even acknowledge the card/picture. It will be hard for sure, and I agree that she was out of line, it is water under the bridge now. Best thing you can do is to not let her know it bothers you. Some people thrive on the the drama.

I 100% agree with this. My MIL loves attention and drama. She has a knee problem right now and refuses to see a Dr. Perfect example. My dh is calling to try to convince her, her husband is worried about her and I'm the only one that sees through it. She is getting a ton of attention by not taking care of the problem.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

OP, your MIL is as see-through as a crystal ball. Of course she did it to annoy you, ABSOLUTELY! What other reason is there for you to receive a card with your own children in it, you do know what they look like right?
I cannot imagine and you have every right to be angry. All relatives, be it grandchildren, nieces & nephews, godchildren etc. are somebody's children first and foremost. It was very disrespectful taking such an initiative without at least asking your dh.

 

[barbarabini]

I wouldnt get upset about it. In fact, I would try to make sure it didn't get your blood pressure up. Right now, you keep your health up and your blood pressure low and you may get lucky and be able to live quite a few years without her on this earth.

 

[momxx5]

After giving some thought:

Since you know she did it to get you upset, I would:

1. put card on mantle or fridge for all to see and never mention it to her.
2. next time she is over "surprise" her and have the kids sit on her lap and whip out the camera to take a picture for "your Christmas card".....if she is controling she'll flip out being caught off guard. Of course don't really use it just put the idea in her head.
3. mention to her that next year she can "save on stamp money" and just drop the card off......maybe hint that she should buy the kids some cute outfits for next year....get her thinking of why this is not bothering you.

OR
4. ask what company she used and see if she can order double next year so you will not have to order cards....."since you already are ordering maybe we can share the order"....again playing on her control issue....she'll not like sharing.

Really, I would not mention anything to her because if she is that controling(sp?) she is just waiting for you to say something.
If you do not saying anything then you will not have anything to regret saying.....she can probably put a good spin on words, etc, so don't play into it.
Have a Merry Christmas!!!

 

[Jey12]

If she was fully aware that this would bother you and did it anyway, yes you have a right to be annoyed. I personally wouldn't say anything to her about it, I would let DH mention to her that it's your preference that she not do that. I would wait until after the holidays as well.

I might be confused here but I seem to be missing what the big deal is in general. How is mailing out a Christmas card with a picture of the grandkids on it any different than having a picture of your grandkids in your home that friends and family can see when they come over? My family is pretty large so 100 cards being sent out would basically be to close and extending family members who already know what my kid looks like for the most part. Of course your preference is your preference and you shouldn't have to explain your reasoning to anyone. If your MIL is fully aware of it, she should not have done what she did. In the spirit of Christmas I would almost just give her the benefit of the doubt on this one, if she's anything like my MIL she'll give you another 100 reasons to be annoyed with her soon.

 

[brockash]

While, yes, it would have been nice had they asked you first, they didn't and really what are you going to do about it? I can understand wanting your privacy, choosing not to be all over the internet socially ect., however I do think you guys seem to be a little on the extreme side of that. I mean, really, anybody can take pictures of your kids at any time in the public, so I really don't see any harm at all in sending out your childs photo in a x-mas card. Yes, it was a little disrespectful, however I don't see it harmful, and as I said, really what can you do? What will you gain from complaining about it to your in-laws?

 

[scra]

I can see the side of this where you are annoyed that your MIL went against your wishes - but unless you never permit your children to leave your home (which I sincerely hope isn't the case), pictures are being taken of them all the time and being shown to strangers. Security video cameras in stores, school photos that go out to the families of your child's whole class, if they happen to be wandering in the background of a camera phone picture somebody is taking...

This just doesn't strike me as something to be SO upset about, especially since it sounds like she only sent the photos to people she knows, and people she wants to show her grandkids off to (like it or not they are related to her as well as to you...). I could understand if your MIL had created a public Facebook post for anyone and everyone to see and there were identifying factors in the photos, but without knowing anything else about this relationship with your MIL, I can't see why you think she purposely did this to upset you. Sounds like a proud grandma who at worst was thoughtless and inconsiderate to not ask your permission.

 

[2binak]

Op - I get where you're coming from. They are your kids and you should have a say when it comes to them being front & center on someone else's anything (card, FB account, etc). Regardless of your stance on privacy, you should get a say in how photos where they are the main feature, are used.

I understand that as years go by, kids will be in photo backgrounds & in team photos, but to have a photo of just your kids circulated to a bunch of people you don't know can definitely be unsettling.

We had to ask a family member to stop posting pics of our DD on their FB page. They have over 400 FB friends, 90% of whom who don't know and they don't really know most of them that well either. Most are people they met once or twice. They did take the photos down, but then they unfriended us so we don't allow them to take pics of our DD at all now but that's because we don't trust this person to respect our wishes, not only when it comes to the photos but in general.

 

[Crystal824]

OP, I totally understand where you are coming from although I personally wouldn't be upset by the Christmas card issue. In fact my DD is on my in-laws Christmas card, our Christmas card, and my DH's grandfather's Christmas card. We had some family pictures taken and all of our Christmas cards were all made that day.

I understand the underlying issues. My MIL is like this too....very passive aggressive. When she gets mad at me or DH, she will do things just to make us mad. For instance, she came over a couple of weeks ago and brought a can of Lysol. She knows I don't use those type of cleaners in my home only natural cleaners. I didn't say anything just had DH to ask her not to use that in DD's bathroom (which is also the guest bathroom).

She also brought a faded out plastic pumpkin once and put it in front of my house (without asking) knowing that I personally don't like those type of decorations. It was faded because it was several years old. She used to use it in her yard. She proceeded to tell DH it was for our DD who was 3 months at the time. In that case, I didn't say anything to her, just removed it from my yard and put in in the garage. She asked for it back when she saw that it was in the front yard anymore.

These are just a few examples, but she loves drama and is often trying to get a rise out of me. I've stopped giving her that power. I rarely mention anything like that to her anymore. I just do what I need to do and move on. I see mil at holidays and family gatherings but I really limit my contact with her to what is absolutely necessary.

 

[kaytieeldr]

OP, your MIL is as see-through as a crystal ball. Of course she did it to annoy you, ABSOLUTELY! What other reason is there for you to receive a card with your own children in it, you do know what they look like right?
I cannot imagine and you have every right to be angry. All relatives, be it grandchildren, nieces & nephews, godchildren etc. are somebody's children first and foremost. It was very disrespectful taking such an initiative without at least asking your dh.

Really? Are you saying the OP's in-laws should have sent the same card to everyone on their list except her, and purchased a separate/special card for her? For what? To hide the cards they chose to send to everyone else?

 

[Neesy228]

OP here...thanks to everyone for their opinions on the matter. I appreciate the feedback.

I greatly appreciate the fact that everyone stated their opinion and didn't attack anyone else for theirs....that doesn't always happen around here.

Happy Holidays to everyone.

 

[kirstenb1]

Yes, she disrespected you, no doubt.

I guess I have a soft spot for grandparents, and I'm a nut for photos. So, maybe many of her friends have sent photos of them with their grandchildren to her over the years. She was saddened, because she guessed (apparently correctly) that you'd never consent to her doing the same. Most grandparents love to share, and brag on their grandkids. Sending out Christmas photos is such a big tradition...I told you I'm a softy!!! Anyway, try to let it go.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I'd be annoyed and I'd be SURE (POSITIVELY SURE) she knows she CANNOT post pix of your kids on her facebook page.

My inlaws included a picture of me and my DH and kids this years in their cards and didn't ask us first -- and I am annoyed. And it wasn't a flattering picture and one I wouldn't have ever approved of.....

 

[Priorityonecb]

I am with Grumpy's Gal. That was my first thought too, I'd find out real quick if she is putting up your children's pictures on her FB page. If she would do this with the cards (yes, I'd be annoyed too) I would think she wouldn't think twice to put them on FB to show her friends. FB pictures are very easy to copy and share. If you have a problem with that, I'd sure address it.

I don't have a problem with my girls being on FB, sharing pictures etc. But, if I did I would expect my family to respect my wishes. As I would theirs!!

 

[pyrxtc]

Maybe she wanted to let all her friends and family know how cute and wonderful her grandchildren were ? Let it go, she's bragging. Let her ! They may be your kids but they are HER grand kids. She didn't' tell anyone that wouldn't have known about these kids anyways.

 

[plummer925]

OP here...

Thanks everyone for you input. I know that it's a boundary issue, but trust me when I tell you that we have tried and tried to set boundaries and she just doesn't care.

As far as she is concerned, it is HER son and HER grandchildren - they're not my husband or my children. I honestly believe that she knew this would upset me and intentionally mailed the card extra early knowing that there would be a problem. It was the first christmas card we received this season.

I think I need to learn to meditate or something!

Well...in fairness, it IS her son, and HER grandson.

Is this her only grandchild? I say she is proud of her grandson.

You are putting words in her mouth and actions in her mind ("she knew this would upset me adn intentionally.....) - that is not fair of you. Sounds like both you and she need to back off...

 

[gillenkl]

I think it might have been nice if she showed you the photo ahead of time. To me, it really isn't a big deal - it's just a photo and contains no personal info. She is obviously proud of her grandchildren. Let it go and move on, life is too short.