Should family members pay when they go on vacation with you?

[heatherwillmom]

My husbands family likes to go on vacation together. I've had some bad experiences with this so I usually don't encourage it. There is always the money situation. My husband thinks if we take his father on vacation with us, he is an older widow, he shouldn't have to pay for anything. I disagree. We have to get a bigger room or condo when he goes. We pay for all of the gas. We pay for all of the groceries for the kitchen. We even end up paying for most of his meals when we go out because my DH just says "put it all on 1 check." FIL has on occassion paid for all of our breakfasts. Money isn't an issue for him either, he's just cheap. I think he should pay at least some of the extra expenses that we have when he goes. When he goes on vacation with us, things aren't as much fun. Since he's older, he never wants to do anything & complains if we want to do things. I've been able to talk DH out of asking him lately. We've been on vacation with his mother & father when she was still alive, his sister & her husband with their daughter, and my mother & step-father. None of thoses trips turned out very well. It's either no body agreeing on what to do or where to go, me getting stuck with my niece while my SIL does whatever she wants, my mother & step-father complaing about how much things cost at Disney,etc. I like to have fun on vacation & it seems lke we just can't do that with our extended family. I have to make the plans for everyone as well. When my mother & step-father went, they paid for all of their expenses. Sometimes I think I am being selfish, but we work hard at our jobs & I want a fun vacation.

 

[Buckeye Princess]

I love vacationing with my in-laws. We all went to Disney last year and this year are going to a Dude ranch. Each trip is sort of "headed" by one person though, and we all respectfully let them lead, recognizing that the point of the trip is to enjoy each other and a new experience, and to let the leader take the lead. It works well and I'd travel with them anywhere, anytime. We pay our own ways, and sometimes that means spending on something I wouldn't normally if it was just my immediate family. But I know it is important to the others and they in the past (and future) have spent on things that are important to me.

 

[BroganMc]

I don't think there's any set rule on who should or shouldn't pay. It sounds like your mainly having issues vacationing with family. Your styles don't match so you aren't enjoying yourself.

I've traveled with enough people to realize some make better mixes than others. And even the better mixes have their compromises.

My dad and I usually travel together. We're on our own individually and have a good friendship so it just works.

We invited my cousin to join us on a trip and found his style mostly mixed well with ours. So he gets an automatic invite now.

We've vacationed with my sister and her family. Again the styles mostly mixed so we do at least one vacation a year with them.

We've vacationed with my brother's families as well. Our styles don't mix as well so we don't do it on a regular basis. But we still enjoy our vacations with them.

I'm always a bit confused about when someone should pay or not. I feel like the person doing the inviting should take the financial responsibility for it. But my dad and I enjoy arranging family trips for the whole group to get together and build memories. And that gets very expensive when you are talking about 4 families of 17 people. It's just not possible for us to pay for everything. So we cover the room bills and maybe a meal. We let them arrange the rest of their expenses and plans.

My cousin pays his own transportation and tickets but we cover his food at meals. It's a thank you for all the other help he gives us. We'll pay for a meal with my sister but usually she wants to pay the bill as a thank you.

I tend to look at financial responsibility based on need. If I know a guest can't afford it otherwise, I plan to cover expenses. The most important thing to me is that we all have a good time. And like I said, I get plenty of vacation time without guests.

I guess if all your vacations are with someone else you never get the break to appreciate it. When I was growing up we always took my grandmother with us. She was widowed and had limited finances. It just never occurred to my parents that she shouldn't be part of the family and we kids grew up accepting it. For a time when I was a teen I resented her getting the best room in the condo, but I realized I was the one being immature about it. My grandmother enjoyed being part of our family as much as we enjoyed having her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My husbands family likes to go on vacation together. I've had some bad experiences with this so I usually don't encourage it. There is always the money situation. My husband thinks if we take his father on vacation with us, he is an older widow, he shouldn't have to pay for anything. I disagree. We have to get a bigger room or condo when he goes. We pay for all of the gas. We pay for all of the groceries for the kitchen. We even end up paying for most of his meals when we go out because my DH just says "put it all on 1 check." FIL has on occassion paid for all of our breakfasts. Money isn't an issue for him either, he's just cheap. I think he should pay at least some of the extra expenses that we have when he goes. When he goes on vacation with us, things aren't as much fun. Since he's older, he never wants to do anything & complains if we want to do things. I've been able to talk DH out of asking him lately. We've been on vacation with his mother & father when she was still alive, his sister & her husband with their daughter, and my mother & step-father. None of thoses trips turned out very well. It's either no body agreeing on what to do or where to go, me getting stuck with my niece while my SIL does whatever she wants, my mother & step-father complaing about how much things cost at Disney,etc. I like to have fun on vacation & it seems lke we just can't do that with our extended family. I have to make the plans for everyone as well. When my mother & step-father went, they paid for all of their expenses. Sometimes I think I am being selfish, but we work hard at our jobs & I want a fun vacation.

I would not vacation with people or family that are a PITB, period.

If my dh wanted to drag his dad along to complain, he would be going solo.

But then again my family would never be cheap like that and they would pay their fair share.

 

[MistressMerryweather]

Does your fil invite himself, or is your dh inviting him?

 

[emma'smom]

We sometimes vacation with my parents and usually just agree to what we'll cover at the invite, so everyone's on the same page. Usually, we cover hotel, park tickets, and dining plan. They covered extra groceries, the car rental, fun extra for the kids.

In the end, my dad foots the bill for a few breakfasts here or there that weren't on the dining plan or leaves the tips.

I think they wanted to contribute something---we were paying a lot of $$ and they knew it. I was glad to do it, but I think its natural for my dad to want to contribute something.

We've done other trips that we have planned together where we each cover our own-- and that's that. We did a cruise together this year and I handled all the details, but they paid for their portion and we paid for ours (literally....I called the travel agent with two different cards).

A thought on vacation style:

At some point, I think you have recognize that you are trading some level of flexibility for time spent with loved ones. Our WDW trips are always much slower-paced with my parents along. But they won't be around forever....so like we plan differently for young children, we think the same way for my parents.

Also, we do plan some vacations solo. We're doing a cruise without them this year. But we'll do the summer cottage thing with them and other stuff will come up along the way, I am sure.

The cruise was great because we all did our own thing. We met for dinner, but breakfast/lunch/activities were not necessarily scheduled together. Now sometimes we ended up together because we chose to do the same things or we'd bump into them on the way to lunch, etc.

For the excursions, I picked "senior friendly" ones (usually bus tours) so we could see Europe together---but then we would go off in the afternoon on our own. My mom was quite content sitting on Deck 10 reading her book while we stayed in ports a bit longer.

Honestly, they wouldn't have minded if we had selected more active excursions and let them do their own thing, but I wanted us to be together--- so we went with what worked best for them.

I don't think I'll regret those choices when they aren't around any longer....we can always go again on our own terms later.


.....and the memories my kids have spending time with all of us as a "family" are invaluable (and I hope are setting up a model for when we are the grandparents some day).

 

[janets]

We don't have a lot of family to travel with these days. My sister, while only 3 years older, has children grown/in college so her style is different from mine (kids in middle/elementary school). So she and BIL travel 2-3 times a year mostly on cruises, and they are either longer or not kid friendly. Sis and I did a 3 night cruise in November together (alone) on a wonderful ship that we had never done before. We had a blast.

Now when we go as a family, I always include my mom. She will always pay for her own airfare. Depending on the type of trip, either she covers her room (when we cruise) or I cover the hotel (DVC). It has gotten harder over the last couple of years for her to do Disney, so she hasn't joined us much. We did cruise last August with her and she paid for her air and her share of the cabin. As all know, food is included.

I love having my mom with me and would pay for her every time but that's not her style. She insists on paying her way. Sometimes I pay for it and keep putting her off about reimbursement. Pisses her off but I want her there so I will pay. Due to some internal family issues, she has decided that she will not join my family of four in the near future, and I have to sort it all out and get her with me again.

I think that if travelling with family is taking what is supposed to be an enjoyable vacation and turning it into something else, either you don't do it or you discuss expectations beforehand so that everyone is on the same page. If your FIL balks at costs, saying everything is too expensive, you need to have that discussion up front. If he doesn't like the active things you do, you need to be sure he's aware of what you really want to do and make arrangements for him to be doing something else. No one says that you all have to be attached at the hip all the time. But talking about it in advance goes a lot way towards getting that cleared up.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

When we travel together, we each contribute - though not necessarily equally. We are all at different points in our financial lives. We don't have any "deadbeats", but not everyone can afford the same things, so we all contribute according to our ability.

That said, we also don't invite those in the family who will ruin our trip for other reasons. I agree with the PP who said that your issue seems to have little to do with money.

 

[bicker]

I don't think there's any set rule on who should or shouldn't pay.

THIS.

No one is owed anything, in such scenarios. If you leave the issue vague, then you deserve the conflict, anger, frustration, etc., that results from leaving it vague. It is always best for everyone to go into the endeavor assuming that each family will pay their own way, and for everyone to voice that explicitly, followed by the word, "Except...", followed by a clear delineation of the specific exceptions. Such as, "... Aunt X and Uncle Y will pay the overnight room rate plus tax for each room, and admission for nieces and nephews."

 

[Pig Pen]

My rule of thumb is if I invite relatives to come with us, I will expect to foot the bill unless they offer to pay. If I go into it with that mindset, it makes the entire vacation less stressful. Usually I pay for our parents (although they usually will pay for a couple of meals and their own tickets) and my kids/grandson. We usually stay in our DVC so they think it's "free" for us anyway...

However our siblings and their kids are on their own. When they say something like, "When are you going to Disney? We thought we would tag along." I simply give them the dates and direct them to the Disney website and tell them to call me if they have questions.

Regarding planning...I make up the itinerary, share it with everyone and ask for comments/suggestions. Very rarely do I get any input because NO ONE focuses on this until we get there. My pet peeve is when we are in the middle of the vacation and people start messing with my plan, such as "Do we have time to go find an outlet mall?"

I have learned over the years to leave plenty of leeway in the schedule for this type of thing. I always leave one day entirely open so people can do whatever they want.

Although buffets are not my favorite, when traveling with a big party I have found these to be the best choice. There is enough variety that most everyone can find something to their liking.

 

[mom2rb]

When we bring my MIL we pay for everything but her park tickets if we go to Disney World. She was a single mom that raised four children. She tries to pay for some meals but we don't let her. We will let her watch the kids one night.

When we travel with my step-mom, we split everything. We will use my DVC points but she will pay for the groceries. If we go somewhere else, we split the hotel bill. My dad never wants to go with us.

My parents make more money than we do. My MIL makes much less. The grandmothers want to go on vacation with their grandkids. This is how we make it work.

 

[Darcy03231]

When we travel with family everyone pays their own expenses. One year I rented a vacation home and covered the cost of that 100% (we were going anyway and I got a great deal on the house). My sister and her family paid for their own park tickets, airline tickets, food, rental car, etc.

DSis and I have completely different touring styles. I like to get up early and get going and she likes to sleep in. She just met up with me whereever we were once she got up and going.

 

[Disney Doll]

Several years back we were going on a group trip (all friends) to WDW to watch one friend do the marathon. On a lark, one of the friends going, in conversation with my in-laws, said "You guys should come" not thinking that they would. Well, my DMIL said "what a great idea!". I almost died. I got along fine with my in-laws (they are both gone now), and loved them very much, but they weren't the pictures of health, would need a scooter or wheelchair to get around, smoked...it was not easy to have them along on the trip, and since DH & I did a lot for them at home, vacation was really meant to give us a break from that, not take it with us!

That being said, I am glad now to have those memories because they are both gone, but that trip really wasn't a vacation for DH & I. We went back a couple of months later, just he & I, and had a vacation.

 

[pyrxtc]

I like traveling with family. I lay out what we are doing and that they can join us or not and also what expenses I will cover if they come. I have paid for my Aunt the first time we took her and paid for my mother the first time we took her also. When I did a big thing at Disney with my siblings, I covered all the rooms using vacations points and instead of a grand Villa, I got individual rooms so everyone would have their space.

We rent a beach house for a week and invite everyone. I don't ask them to cover anything but do expect them to buy things that we do not use and bring it themselves, like beer. That is a big purpose of renting the house so close to family, so they can all come visit and/or stay a few days.

 

[tomthebarncat]

Everyone gets to pay their own way unless I invite them. I love my family but do not consider vacationing with them a vacation but more of an obligation, and thankfully they feel the same way. We all have stressful jobs and we need our downtime and family bickering, squables, etc are not relaxing at all. Actually, I prefer to vacation alone and just head to the 4 Seasons at a beach, chill out with a few good books and have beach boy roll me over every few hours and hand me a drink. That is a vacation and yes, the last 3 vacations I took, I did just this, headed to the Red Sea and had the best time alone!

 

[Melmac]

I would assume that I was paying my own way on a family vacation regardless of who does the inviting, unless it was specifically stated that someone was picking up the tab.
I have done several larger family vacations in the last couple of years - Grand Gathering at Disney, renting a large cabin in Tennessee, etc. For the cabin, we split the price among 4 couples and everyone paid for their own groceries/meals and transportation/entertainment. Disney was easier - every room just paid for their own package.
If I was in a place in my life where I could invite someone on vacation (especially a parent or sibling) that couldn't afford it otherwise, I would in a heartbeat. I would have a problem paying for someone that made my vacation terrible, especially if they can afford to chip in and choose not too.

Good luck! It is hard when dealing with the IL's sometimes.

 

[marlynnp]

When they "go with" - Yes!

When you "take them with" - No!

 

[kirstenb1]

We have DVC, so we've hosted many different family members over the years. Those who were fun and pleasant, and bought the occasional meal out, are on the list of "always welcome" to join us. Those who complained or were more work than pleasure haven't been invited back.

In your case, it sounds like
1. these family members aren't "fun" to be around
2. they also sound kind of like freeloaders

I just wouldn't vacation with them in the future.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

We have DVC, so we've hosted many different family members over the years. Those who were fun and pleasant, and bought the occasional meal out, are on the list of "always welcome" to join us. Those who complained or were more work than pleasure haven't been invited back.

In your case, it sounds like
1. these family members aren't "fun" to be around
2. they also sound kind of like freeloaders

I just wouldn't vacation with them in the future.

We have had that. Some came with us when we went, others we got rooms for because they wanted to go a certain time.

Two family member in particular will not be getting any more offers for awhile or possibly never...

First ones asked to go one of the most "expensive" weeks of the year then when they came home all we got were comments on how crowded it was, how uncomfortable the beds were and how their little one was terrible and would not sit in the carriage etc. There was not one single positive comment.

Second ones came with us and completely monopolized our time, never offered to pay for a dinner since we were more people than they were so they thought it was "uneven" and generally tried to control our whole vacation. Lots of complaining too including not liking the hotel we picked. Lots more details but it put a huge damper on our vacation.

Other family members we could go with over and over again. The agreement is we get their room, they pay everything else. These family members will spend a few hours with us in the morning, then we go our separate ways. They will buy snacks etc for our kids and take us out to dinner. Most of all though, they make it clear how much they love it, how much fun they have etc which is really all we want.

 

[tiggersbombed2]

Ha, they better pay or we ain't going! Unfortunately I am of the low cashflow persuasion.