Should ex help out with these expenses?

[NHdisneylover]

Yes, "back in the day..." I understand what you mean, it was like that when DH and I were teens too. It was a big thing we all looked forward to on our 16th birthday, getting that driver's license. Heaven forbid if your birthday fell on a Saturday or Sunday and you had to wait ALL WEEKEND before you could go on Monday to get it.

Times change I guess, and depends a lot on where a person lives too I think. I've heard many people in large cities don't drive, don't have their own car, etc. They rely solely on public transportation and taxis. Here where we live you either drive yourself, hitch a ride with someone, bike or walk it.

I also think people these days are more aware of how important it is to be a SAFE driver and less likely to get a license just because they can if they do not feel they can be a safe driver--and it is easier to drive safely and feel confident behind the wheel in a rural area. I am in my 40s and to this day I can relax driving on a rural road but get really stressed drivign in a busy city with lots of traffic.

 

[mom2rtk]

Yes, "back in the day..." I understand what you mean, it was like that when DH and I were teens too. It was a big thing we all looked forward to on our 16th birthday, getting that driver's license. Heaven forbid if your birthday fell on a Saturday or Sunday and you had to wait ALL WEEKEND before you could go on Monday to get it.

Times change I guess, and depends a lot on where a person lives too I think. I've heard many people in large cities don't drive, don't have their own car, etc. They rely solely on public transportation and taxis. Here where we live you either drive yourself, hitch a ride with someone, bike or walk it.

Different people, different reactions. Most kids are ready at 16. Some aren't.

 

[jevs]

I wouldn't ask for gas money - or any extra above the legally stated child support for that matter.

I would make it work some other way

 

[MIGrandma]

I also think people these days are more aware of how important it is to be a SAFE driver and less likely to get a license just because they can if they do not feel they can be a safe driver--and it is easier to drive safely and feel confident behind the wheel in a rural area. I am in my 40s and to this day I can relax driving on a rural road but get really stressed drivign in a busy city with lots of traffic.

Oh I agree about the safe driver, and things have changed a LOT since we got our driver's licenses in our teens. We went through driver's training and then had no restrictions at all on our licenses. Now there is a lot more extensive training, and even night time training, and a lot of restrictions on kids getting their first driver's licenses which I do think is a good thing.

And I agree about feeling more confident about driving in a rural area, except I do get a bit nervous driving at dusk when deer are more apt to run into the road. I hate city driving, and don't do it if at all possible. I remember last October when my Mom had her stroke and was in the hospital in Lansing (state capitol) and I had to drive there a few times, it was awful and made me so nervous!! I'm even getting more nervous just about driving on the highway. So many crazy/distracted drivers.

 

[mom2rtk]

Oh I agree about the safe driver, and things have changed a LOT since we got our driver's licenses in our teens. We went through driver's training and then had no restrictions at all on our licenses. Now there is a lot more extensive training, and even night time training, and a lot of restrictions on kids getting their first driver's licenses which I do think is a good thing.

And I agree about feeling more confident about driving in a rural area, except I do get a bit nervous driving at dusk when deer are more apt to run into the road. I hate city driving, and don't do it if at all possible. I remember last October when my Mom had her stroke and was in the hospital in Lansing (state capitol) and I had to drive there a few times, it was awful and made me so nervous!! I'm even getting more nervous just about driving on the highway. So many crazy/distracted drivers.

I get nervous just thinking about all those 16 year olds on the roads.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I feel like I can't even answer fast enough all of the assumptions and criticisms that are flying at me. And I wish that people would read my other posts so that they see all of the things I've already answered/explained. My DD could NOT find a job within a more reasonable distance. Believe me, we live in a rural area. And yes, she is making good money, and it is related to her field, and she'll be able to continue working there during all school breaks as long as she wants. It's worth it.

I hadn't considered asking DD18 for gas money, as I already stated, but I AGREE --- it's a good idea! (but there's still the 96 miles a day that I'm driving her sister)

SHE IS NOT GOING TO GET HER LICENSE THIS SUMMER ---- end of story. And even if she did, she isn't getting a car. I won't discuss it further. She and I will be subject to much more criticism if I do.

I don't know why child support goes until age 21, but it does. I live in New York State. Not sure if it's like that in the whole state, or only in my case. I don't question it!

I think having her pay for gas is probably the winner here since you both do not want her to drive.

 

[okeydokey]

He lives close to both of the girls' destinations, but not as close to our town. I have suggested to him (MULTIPLE TIMES) that the girls spend the night with him and he can drive them, and I'll pick them up, or vice versa. He doesn't want them to spend the night ------ I think he may have a new girlfriend that they don't yet know about. He has helped with transportation three times since this started.

Wow, that's awful. I don't blame your frustration at all. I think realistically you will get nothing from him.

 

[cabanafrau]

Is there a way you can possibly take or pick up either one at a mid way point after catching a ride with someone else, possibly with you picking up the shared leg of the route some of the time with the other family? Any part of the commutes you can shave off is less time and less money in gas.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm really surprised you can get child support until age 21, here it's 18 and I think that is as it should be. An 18-year-old is legally an adult, no longer a child. I can't imagine an 18-year old not having a driver's license. Any kid I've ever known is taking driver's training at age 15 and can hardly wait until the day they turn 16 and go get their license. Our kids both started jobs at age 14, we drove them or they rode with friends' parents. By age 16 they were both working part-time jobs the year 'round, and we bought older cars for them to use while they were still living at home. DS got married at 18, so our monetary obligations to him pretty much ended at that time (although we have helped out occasionally here and there). DD went to college and did use the car we had for her during that time as well, but she paid for her own gas (we paid insurance).

Our DS is divorced and pays over $800/month in child support for his 11-year-old son. He does help pay for extras, but at age 18 I'm sure most of that will stop except for helping with college expenses. I don't think parents are obligated to pay for a child's college costs, if they CAN then that is great, but if they can't that's okay too. There are grants/loans for that purpose.

I think you're very lucky to be able to get "child" support until your DD is 21, if it were me I don't think I'd be asking for many extras, especially when the "child" isn't contributing anything herself. If anyone should be helping you to pay for gas/wear and tear on your car driving your 18-year-old around it should be her.

Not said with a critical tone, but my gut reaction to what you've said here is that you're responding to the issues largely with your son's interests and POV as the primary consideration of how you view the situation, i.e. how much of a scrimp and a struggle you see him going through to provide child support for his son. That's a common thread among cases of divorce. No doubt about it, it's an expensive prospect when a family becomes divided across two households and suddenly there are two residences to be paid for out of the same amount of family income in total.

 

[lizabu]

I've been divorced for 6 years, and getting money out of my ex is like pulling teeth. The way he gets paid, he can't have child support automatically taken out of his check. He has to remember to put the money into my account. And in 6 years, he has remembered ONCE. Every other time, he has "forgotten" and I have had to text him to remind him. Annoying.

Our divorce agreement states that, on top of child support, he is to pay half of expenses that go above and beyond the basic things that child support covers, *at his discretion*. I don't know why I agreed to that wording!! But, through the years, I have asked him to pay half of big things like school trips (not field trips, more like out-of-state trips), summer camps, back-to-school supplies, etc. He's usually been pretty good about it.

But right now, we're at odds. Our daughters are 18 and 15 now. The 18-year old works full time this summer (she just finished her freshman year of college), but does not drive. We live in a rural area, and summer jobs are scarce; this job is 16 miles away. So I'm putting 64 miles on my car every day, taking her to and from work. DD15 is in a musical theatre program in the city near us, 24 miles away. So every day, I'm putting an additional 96 miles on my car taking her back and forth. And, of course, the times don't coincide AT ALL, so I can NEVER combine the trips!! (DD18 works 1-9, DD15's program is 8-5)

When I did the math, and realized how much I'm driving, and how much I'm spending on gas, I sent Ex a text asking him to chip in.

He flat out refused. He told me that, because I'm a teacher, I have nothing else to do all summer but drive them to their jobs/activities. I agreed, lol, but reminded him that it's MONEY I need, not time (or help with the driving). He hasn't responded. Am I out of line, asking for this???

(And just because I know these questions will arise: there is no public transportation out here. There is no one that either girl can carpool with. We tried, but all of the people at DD18's job live in the opposite direction, and the kids at DD15's program live in the suburbs and would have to drive an extra 15 minutes to bring her home.)

It would be nice if he chipped in but based on your agreement he doesn't have to. You could always take it back to court and get things a little more specific. Like you might want to make sure it's clear what he's supposed to contribute for college. Also if he didn't want to help with gas I would probably be making sure I collected all the years of overdue child support he owes me. If he only paid what the court ordered one time he probably owes you 10s of thousands of dollars. They're take his tax returns and they can take his license and passport until he pays up.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It would be nice if he chipped in but based on your agreement he doesn't have to. You could always take it back to court and get things a little more specific. Like you might want to make sure it's clear what he's supposed to contribute for college. Also if he didn't want to help with gas I would probably be making sure I collected all the years of overdue child support he owes me. If he only paid what the court ordered one time he probably owes you 10s of thousands of dollars. They're take his tax returns and they can take his license and passport until he pays up.

I did not undersatnd the OP to mean he only ever paid once--just that there was only one time he paid on time without being asked for it first--but it seems he normally pays what he is supposed to when she texts him a reminder.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

 

[lizabu]

I did not undersatnd the OP to mean he only ever paid once--just that there was only one time he paid on time without being asked for it first--but it seems he normally pays what he is supposed to hwen she texts him a reminder.

Got it..I think I misread that bit. Thanks.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

The 18 year old is an adult, so that is something she needs to figure out on her own and if you CHOOSE to help her, then that's on you, but I can see why he would refuse.

 

[clori]

I have to ask - why can't a 15 year old girl be alone in a city until say 7pm. Is the camp in a dangerous area? Then you could meet her and together hang out until it is time to pick up dd18. My dd turned 16 in May but prior to that had absolutely no issue going around Boston and Manhattan on her own. We live near Boston and while I probably wouldn't be comfortable with her in a few neighborhoods chances are the camp wouldn't be in one of them. DD easily takes public transportation on her own to get to places she wants in Boston and when we visit family in Manhattan easily take public transportation there. Before anyone asks she has her permit but in our state she isn't old enough for her license yet.

You can get your permit at 16 and license 6 months later provided you have completed driver's ed. DD has done the classroom part of driver's ed and got her permit on a Monday (turned 16 on a Sunday) but needs the driving school to finish up the required driving time. However even with a license she won't have a car right away plus it is cheaper/easier to take public transportation some places. Right now the deal is anything that is a long term commitment vs a 1 day thing she needs to be able to get to/from on her own if needed (we can and do drop off and pick up when it works out for us) I'm finding that while some kids do go out and get their permit the day they turn 16, some wait until 18 for insurance purposes or because they know they won't get a car or even if they do driving to school isn't reasonable with the lack of parking at the high school. Some probably just don't give it much thought since we do have public transportation or a parent is available for transport.

 

[King Schultz]

It sounds like he isn't legally obligated to chip in for the gas and wear and tear on your vehicle, but you asked if he would and gave you a pretty definitive 'no'.

Fair or not, it doesn't sound like there's much else you can do.

 

[dotfurio]

You've gotten lots of advice. I just want to say I don't think you're wrong for asking their dad for gas money. Lots of people are suggesting the 18 y/o should pay, and maybe you'll decide to go that way. If she's saving that for college and dad won't pay for college either, one way or another the money is still coming out of your pocket, be it for gas or college. You need to rework the wording of the legal agreement, especially regarding college. I think it's disgusting that fathers just walk away and only want to pay the bare minimum to cover basic necessities. Raising kids is not just food, shelter, and clothes, it's extracurricular, sports, enrichment, special events. That's so unfair to the kids to say all that is "optional". If you truly can't afford it, fine. If you're just being cheap about your own children so you can take your girlfriend out, despicable.

 

[wishesuponastar]

I'm really surprised you can get child support until age 21, here it's 18 and I think that is as it should be. An 18-year-old is legally an adult, no longer a child. I can't imagine an 18-year old not having a driver's license. Any kid I've ever known is taking driver's training at age 15 and can hardly wait until the day they turn 16 and go get their license. Our kids both started jobs at age 14, we drove them or they rode with friends' parents. By age 16 they were both working part-time jobs the year 'round, and we bought older cars for them to use while they were still living at home. DS got married at 18, so our monetary obligations to him pretty much ended at that time (although we have helped out occasionally here and there). DD went to college and did use the car we had for her during that time as well, but she paid for her own gas (we paid insurance).

Our DS is divorced and pays over $800/month in child support for his 11-year-old son. He does help pay for extras, but at age 18 I'm sure most of that will stop except for helping with college expenses. I don't think parents are obligated to pay for a child's college costs, if they CAN then that is great, but if they can't that's okay too. There are grants/loans for that purpose.

I think you're very lucky to be able to get "child" support until your DD is 21, if it were me I don't think I'd be asking for many extras, especially when the "child" isn't contributing anything herself. If anyone should be helping you to pay for gas/wear and tear on your car driving your 18-year-old around it should be her.

OP said there are private reasons why her 18 yo is not driving. Also, even though my daughter is 18, it would be very hard for her to support herself like I wasforced to do at 18. I think many 18 year olds today live at home to pay for college debt.

OP, if your daughter is making enough money to help you for the cost of gas then I think you should get the money from her. Lesson learned this Summer that the activities were too far from home.

 

[Wishing on a star]

So, the adult daughter is paying no expenses 'because they are saving for college'.
And, if I am reading this right, extra gasoline to cover ones own personal decision to commute should be covered, but COLLEGE isn't???
Forget the gas... Get him to pay 1/2 for college.

OP seems to be a bit defensive, and has every reason she can't do anything to change her situation and the decisions that are being made, except for expect her Ex to cover for it.
I am not so sure that this is the best angle.

There are a lot of cheap and despicable parents out there.
Sure, it would be nice if he just chose to pony-up, or to have custody of the kids during the week.
But, unless there are steps taken to change these two things, hopes and expectations are just not always the end reality.

 

[DLgal]

Why doesn't the 18 year old find a job in the city where the other daughter has her program?