Should ex help out with these expenses?

[gotomu212]

I don't want to pile on, but I also think part of this is the cost for living further out. We moved to the southern suburbs and yeah it does cost more gas money to get to our jobs and activities but that's just the reality of living further out.

I think asking for half of the has money for the 15 year old is just too little to be worth it. Assuming you average 30 mpg and gas is approx $2/g, his half would be like $15 a week.

 

[Minnie_me]

I'm really surprised you can get child support until age 21, here it's 18 and I think that is as it should be. An 18-year-old is legally an adult, no longer a child. I can't imagine an 18-year old not having a driver's license. Any kid I've ever known is taking driver's training at age 15 and can hardly wait until the day they turn 16 and go get their license. Our kids both started jobs at age 14, we drove them or they rode with friends' parents. By age 16 they were both working part-time jobs the year 'round, and we bought older cars for them to use while they were still living at home. DS got married at 18, so our monetary obligations to him pretty much ended at that time (although we have helped out occasionally here and there). DD went to college and did use the car we had for her during that time as well, but she paid for her own gas (we paid insurance).

Our DS is divorced and pays over $800/month in child support for his 11-year-old son. He does help pay for extras, but at age 18 I'm sure most of that will stop except for helping with college expenses. I don't think parents are obligated to pay for a child's college costs, if they CAN then that is great, but if they can't that's okay too. There are grants/loans for that purpose.

I think you're very lucky to be able to get "child" support until your DD is 21, if it were me I don't think I'd be asking for many extras, especially when the "child" isn't contributing anything herself. If anyone should be helping you to pay for gas/wear and tear on your car driving your 18-year-old around it should be her.

I'm sorry that New York State allows me to collect child support for my *children* until they are 21. I don't know what else to say to that. You may not agree with it, but that's the deal. And the "child" is absolutely contributing a LOT, by paying for her college. Her father hasn't given us one penny toward that.

I'm surprised that you don't know one single child who didn't get their driver's license at 16, but I have explained above that there are extenuating circumstances that I will not get into. If you knew her, and the reasons, you would agree 100% with her not driving right now.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think this year I would just drop it--but for the future; surely if the theatre program is in such a major city your older kid coudl get SOME job there (summer daycares, etc are usually hiring) so you can only drive once each morning and once each afternoon--and hpefully by next year you'll feel comfortable with allowing your yougner one to go from teh program to a mall or library on her own once or twice a week----personally there are very few citities that I would have not been OK with my kids managing that on their own at 15, and the ones where that was an issue would not be places they'd be going to camp. But I know every kid is different in what they can handle, so I assume you know yours is really unable to be safe there.

Or, again, have your oldest look into working at a residence camp, etc next year.

Honestly, one thing I would NOT do is push their father to have htem over if he is resistant to it--that could put the girls in a very uncomfortable situation that they'd have no way out of (being unable to drive) and that doesn't seem very fair--better to ask them to pay gas than that. It stinks that he doesn't want them around, but if so, pushign it seems unfair to them.

And if you DO decide to wait on the girls some to avoidso much driving--take a book into a library or mall with A/C, don't torture yourself with a hot car.

 

[Minnie_me]

Money aside, he seems like a horrible father. Doesn't want his own children to sleep in his home? Disgusting. Bordering on abandonment.

I cannot understand when people choose new girlfriends or boyfriends over their own children.

LOL, it's been that way since he left us for the 25-year old office tramp. I was 45 at the time. He has always chosen girlfriends, golf, football, etc. over his children. But on his match.com profile, it says that he spends all of his free time with his daughters, LOL! They deal with it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I can't imagine an 18-year old not having a driver's license. Any kid I've ever known is taking driver's training at age 15 and can hardly wait until the day they turn 16 and go get their license. .

I didn't get a liscnece until 21--which was unusual back in the day. DD19 does not have one yet and we were surprised at how many kids in the dorms did not have one either--including both roomates Freshmen year. About a third of the dorm building they were in did not have a DL, and fewer still had cars. It'S not unheard of.

 

[MariMama]

I'm sorry that New York State allows me to collect child support for my *children* until they are 21. I don't know what else to say to that. You may not agree with it, but that's the deal. And the "child" is absolutely contributing a LOT, by paying for her college. Her father hasn't given us one penny toward that.

I'm surprised that you don't know one single child who didn't get their driver's license at 16, but I have explained above that there are extenuating circumstances that I will not get into. If you knew her, and the reasons, you would agree 100% with her not driving right now.

I don't know one single kid who didn't get their license at 16 for the exact reason you are complaining about. We live in a rural area and if you don't drive, your parents either drive you or you don't go. Of course, most of the kids have already been driving for years on the farm.

 

[pryncess527]

Honestly, one thing I would NOT do is push their father to have htem over if he is resistant to it--that could put the girls in a very uncomfortable situation that they'd have no way out of (being unable to drive) and that doesn't seem very fair--better to ask them to pay gas than that. It stinks that he doesn't want them around, but if so, pushign it seems unfair to them.

Good point.

Not having a license the day I turned 16 was crazy for my generation -- but it seems to be increasingly common -- I know a few parents of children who graduated high school and showed little or no interest in driving. I think they have freedom in so many other ways now because of the internet that they aren't chomping at the bit to get out and explore the way I was in the stone ages.

I had no choice -- my mom was a single mother and she was even more ready for me to drive than I was! She bought me a cheap car just so she could make me tote my sister around ;p Clearly the OP has extenuating circumstances so I get that's not the case here, but if I had balked at driving at that age my mom would have shoved me in a car kicking and screaming, lol

 

[TAX GUY]

Money aside, he seems like a horrible father. Doesn't want his own children to sleep in his home? Disgusting. Bordering on abandonment.

I cannot understand when people choose new girlfriends or boyfriends over their own children.

I would agree but that's making the assumption from the OP's one reply on it, and its her assumption on why. I know people have made these choices before and I don't know if that is the case here, but we don't know, and it seems neither does the OP.

 

[Darcy03231]

For the 18 y.o. I'm with the majority that she should be paying the transportation expenses related to her job, not you or her father.

As far at the 15 y.o. goes, can you make arrangement to carpool with other families with you dropping off and picking up the 15 y.o. at one of the other homes since you're further out?

I would not be asking my ex to contribute to the gas.

We live in a rural area too and transportation is one of the down-sides.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Not getting the child support automatically sucks, but it sounds like the reminders work. Also sounds like he's pretty generous about paying for "things at his discretion". One of the things about one household becoming 2 is money doesn't go as far & some extras may need to get cut. IMO, you need to cover the cost of driving the kids when they are with you. If they're with him; it's on him.

18 YO needs to reimburse you for the costs related to her job.

 

[mom2rtk]

I didn't get a liscnece until 21--which was unusual back in the day. DD19 does not have one yet and we were surprised at how many kids in the dorms did not have one either--including both roomates Freshmen year. About a third of the dorm building they were in did not have a DL, and fewer still had cars. It'S not unheard of.

It's actually fairly common around here as parents like to delay the increase to their insurance.

Our oldest got his at 18 just before starting college..... as a commuter student. That was stressful.

Our second got his on his 16th birthday. Our youngest plans (hopes? ) to get hers this fall on her 16th birthday.

 

[Mizzoufan]

Does your ex agree your oldest daughter isn't capable driving? In any case your 18 college daughter needs to figure out transportation on her own.

 

[CF'er]

If your ex won't contribute to her college what makes you think he is going to willingly give you money for gas and wear and tear on your car for taking her back and forth?

 

[NHdisneylover]

Good point.

Not having a license the day I turned 16 was crazy for my generation -- but it seems to be increasingly common -- I know a few parents of children who graduated high school and showed little or no interest in driving. I think they have freedom in so many other ways now because of the internet that they aren't chomping at the bit to get out and explore the way I was in the stone ages.

I had no choice -- my mom was a single mother and she was even more ready for me to drive than I was! She bought me a cheap car just so she could make me tote my sister around ;p Clearly the OP has extenuating circumstances so I get that's not the case here, but if I had balked at driving at that age my mom would have shoved me in a car kicking and screaming, lol

It's not always "balking" There are legitmate safety reason that some people do not drive.

 

[mom2rtk]

OP, I can understand not wanting to charge your daughter for gas since she's probably saving that money to use toward college.

But honestly, it sounds like you chose to live close to your own work to minimize your commute. Unfortunately you are experiencing the down side of it at this point when the things your kids need to do aren't close to your home. I think it's fair that you pay the additional transportation expenses that come as a result of you living so close to your own work.

 

[MIGrandma]

I don't know one single kid who didn't get their license at 16 for the exact reason you are complaining about. We live in a rural area and if you don't drive, your parents either drive you or you don't go. Of course, most of the kids have already been driving for years on the farm.

Same here for our kids. We live on a farm. I remember being so glad when my kids got their driver's licenses so I could quit running them back and forth to the school for extra-curricular activities and/or their jobs. DH was raised on the farm, he started driving tractor at age FIVE.

 

[pocomom]

As a person who has a similar child support arrangement and has to deal with an ex reluctant to pay, I feel like he SHOULD want to pay, to help out, but he is not obligated too.
One thing that has become helpful as the kids have gotten older is having them ask. When there is a program or class or something and I don't think I can or should cover all of it I'll say I can contribute X amount, ask your dad what part he'll do. He normally likes to beat me by a little, lol.
When I ask I think he feels like it is helping me , even if he know every dime goes to the kids, and he is much more likely to say no, or worse, say yes and then fail to come through. But he likes to show off with the kids so more often then not he'll contribute when they ask.
Plus it ends up helping them communicate with their dad, starts the process of them being financially responsible for themselves (when they have to make choices due to budget) and helps me minimize how much I have to negotiate with him.
As far as your TIME driving them, it does seem excessive- I put in a lot of time driving my underage kids around, but it is ok to say no... maybe this program isn't the best choice for your family right now?

 

[MIGrandma]

I didn't get a liscnece until 21--which was unusual back in the day. DD19 does not have one yet and we were surprised at how many kids in the dorms did not have one either--including both roomates Freshmen year. About a third of the dorm building they were in did not have a DL, and fewer still had cars. It'S not unheard of.

Yes, "back in the day..." I understand what you mean, it was like that when DH and I were teens too. It was a big thing we all looked forward to on our 16th birthday, getting that driver's license. Heaven forbid if your birthday fell on a Saturday or Sunday and you had to wait ALL WEEKEND before you could go on Monday to get it.

Times change I guess, and depends a lot on where a person lives too I think. I've heard many people in large cities don't drive, don't have their own car, etc. They rely solely on public transportation and taxis. Here where we live you either drive yourself, hitch a ride with someone, bike or walk it.

 

[dimimi]

I just wanted to add that I would not expect him to pay for gas.

 

[Nettester]

For this year, the summer's half over. Personally, I would just eat the expense myself and chock it up to a lesson learned. It should have been discussed up front, the adults should have raised the topic at that point, but it was not. Surely, this is not the first time you have had to consider travel/distance expense for things the kids do if you choose to live further out of reach. From the beginning, I would have expected the 18 year old to pay for gas, and factored gas into the 1/3 split deal you made for your younger daughter's program. Going forward, when the kids' ask you for permission to make commitments, you have to figure in gas/transportation, as part of the cost.

This kind of reminds me when I was 18, after my freshman year of college, my mom got me this great summer job, working at a camp kitchen 15 miles out of town, for one of her friends (even though I already had another job back at the restaurant in town where we lived and I worked part time in high school). I had my license since I was 16, but I did not have a car. Well, my mom just figured I could "ride along to the camp" with someone else. However, no one was coming from my same direction at anywhere near the same times I worked. So at first I had to drive my mom to work using her car, drive to my job, and then later pick her up after her shift. I didn't mind this so much, but my mom wasn't too keen on it. Plus my 15 year sister often needed help getting to her job. Totally not what my mom bargained for, but she was the one who set this job up for me, so . . . that is how I got my first used car. My mom paid 1/3, Dad paid 1/3 (parents also divorced) and I paid 1/3.