Should ex help out with these expenses?

[Minnie_me]

Being aware and part of the decision-making process are two different things.

OMG, semantics. Sorry I wasn't specific enough. DD15 asked BOTH OF HER PARENTS if she could participate in the program, and we BOTH GAVE HER PERMISSION. Then I paid 1/3, Ex paid 1/3, and DD15 paid 1/3 of the cost of the program.

 

[MariMama]

The 18-year old cannot drive, and even though she is an "adult", she's still a child who lives at home when she's not in college. Child support doesn't end until she's 21.

She should be paying for gas for the commute to her job. If you don't want to do that, but squeeze your ex for more money for something he had no say in, there really isn't anything else anyone can say.

 

[ELSA711]

It's hard to explain. Most people get paid in regular intervals, so the amount of child support is calculated and split among those checks. He does not get paid in regular intervals. Some months, he'll get 1 check, some months he'll get 5. It's a strange business, and I don't really ask him for details, as long as I get my money.

The child support that I receive is sufficient to cover the basics. But I'm putting 800 miles a week on my car, and that's WAY over normal.

I know you said that DD18 has this job for college money, so I guess I would ask myself if all the money and miles you are putting on your car is worth her paycheck? How much is she really making. I'd honestly be thinking about 'paying her' just to stay home, LOL.
If she is making significant money (and obviously getting real life work status) and can't drive then she should absolutely be paying you to and from work costs.
I'm guessing there are no other options for her to work closer.

 

[MariMama]

OMG, semantics. Sorry I wasn't specific enough. DD15 asked BOTH OF HER PARENTS if she could participate in the program, and we BOTH GAVE HER PERMISSION. Then I paid 1/3, Ex paid 1/3, and DD15 paid 1/3 of the cost of the program.

And you never considered transportation?

 

[indygirl99]

The 18-year old cannot drive, and even though she is an "adult", she's still a child who lives at home when she's not in college. Child support doesn't end until she's 21.

And he is paying child support, albeit with reminders.

It is your choice to drive the multiple trips daily. If you wanted spousal support you should have had that taken care of with the divorce.

Both kids work so hit them up for your gas money.

 

[gwynne]

I know you said that DD18 has this job for college money, so I guess I would ask myself if all the money and miles you are putting on your car is worth her paycheck? How much is she really making. I'd honestly be thinking about 'paying her' just to stay home, LOL.
If she is making significant money (and obviously getting real life work status) and can't drive then she should absolutely be paying you to and from work costs.
I'm guessing there are no other options for her to work closer.

Or I'd expect her to find a job nearby that she needs little or no transport to. It's not reasonable to need so much in transport and not contribute to the cost.

 

[TAX GUY]

I've been divorced for 6 years, and getting money out of my ex is like pulling teeth. The way he gets paid, he can't have child support automatically taken out of his check. He has to remember to put the money into my account. And in 6 years, he has remembered ONCE. Every other time, he has "forgotten" and I have had to text him to remind him. Annoying.

Our divorce agreement states that, on top of child support, he is to pay half of expenses that go above and beyond the basic things that child support covers, *at his discretion*. I don't know why I agreed to that wording!! But, through the years, I have asked him to pay half of big things like school trips (not field trips, more like out-of-state trips), summer camps, back-to-school supplies, etc. He's usually been pretty good about it.

But right now, we're at odds. Our daughters are 18 and 15 now. The 18-year old works full time this summer (she just finished her freshman year of college), but does not drive. We live in a rural area, and summer jobs are scarce; this job is 16 miles away. So I'm putting 64 miles on my car every day, taking her to and from work. DD15 is in a musical theatre program in the city near us, 24 miles away. So every day, I'm putting an additional 96 miles on my car taking her back and forth. And, of course, the times don't coincide AT ALL, so I can NEVER combine the trips!! (DD18 works 1-9, DD15's program is 8-5)

When I did the math, and realized how much I'm driving, and how much I'm spending on gas, I sent Ex a text asking him to chip in.

He flat out refused. He told me that, because I'm a teacher, I have nothing else to do all summer but drive them to their jobs/activities. I agreed, lol, but reminded him that it's MONEY I need, not time (or help with the driving). He hasn't responded. Am I out of line, asking for this???

(And just because I know these questions will arise: there is no public transportation out here. There is no one that either girl can carpool with. We tried, but all of the people at DD18's job live in the opposite direction, and the kids at DD15's program live in the suburbs and would have to drive an extra 15 minutes to bring her home.)

If there was public transportation or the option to car pool, would he be required or expected to pay for her bus pass/ cab fare or to help pay for car pool expenses?

 

[Minnie_me]

If you don't want to do that, but squeeze your ex for more money for something he had no say in, there really isn't anything else anyone can say.

Whoa ------ where did that come from??? He DID have say in BOTH of these things. The girls discussed with both of us, and we were all in agreement. I'm not "squeezing" him for more money. My goodness, that's harsh. I've encountered an expense DIRECTLY related to his children that is proving to be a hardship on me (I'm a teacher, and have summer savings, but did not budget for this much gas money). So, sure, it's my fault for not budgeting for it? But they're his kids, too, and they're the reason I'm driving 160 miles a day -- why not chip in for gas money?

 

[AndreaDM]

Wow, where do you live that CS goes until they're 21?? It's 18 or until they graduate from high school here.

 

[gwynne]

Whoa ------ where did that come from??? He DID have say in BOTH of these things. The girls discussed with both of us, and we were all in agreement. I'm not "squeezing" him for more money. My goodness, that's harsh. I've encountered an expense DIRECTLY related to his children that is proving to be a hardship on me (I'm a teacher, and have summer savings, but did not budget for this much gas money). So, sure, it's my fault for not budgeting for it? But they're his kids, too, and they're the reason I'm driving 160 miles a day -- why not chip in for gas money?

I hear your frustration. That said, what follows is my honest opinion.
If he hasn't "chipped in" yet, I don't think he is going to. I still think it's better to keep the important stuff first like education beyond HS. It's a good thing there is child support 'till 21. That is not the case for everyone by a long shot. I'd pick my battles.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In my opinion I think your 18 year old daughter should get her licence and drive herself or she should be giving you gas money since she's an adult and working full time. My son is 16, soon to be 17 and while we did give him our old car he is responsible for part of insurance costs and all gas money for his car. He makes his friends pay him money for gas when they go out together or he drives them somewhere to help with the cost so I see no reason why your adult daughter who is working full time can't chip in.

This.

 

[MariMama]

Whoa ------ where did that come from??? He DID have say in BOTH of these things. The girls discussed with both of us, and we were all in agreement. I'm not "squeezing" him for more money. My goodness, that's harsh. I've encountered an expense DIRECTLY related to his children that is proving to be a hardship on me (I'm a teacher, and have summer savings, but did not budget for this much gas money). So, sure, it's my fault for not budgeting for it? But they're his kids, too, and they're the reason I'm driving 160 miles a day -- why not chip in for gas money?

Your adult child should be paying for gas for you to drive her back and forth to a job she willingly took, not your ex. Since you seem unwilling to take the most obvious solution, I don't know what else to tell you.

 

[indygirl99]

Whoa ------ where did that come from??? He DID have say in BOTH of these things. The girls discussed with both of us, and we were all in agreement. I'm not "squeezing" him for more money. My goodness, that's harsh. I've encountered an expense DIRECTLY related to his children that is proving to be a hardship on me (I'm a teacher, and have summer savings, but did not budget for this much gas money). So, sure, it's my fault for not budgeting for it? But they're his kids, too, and they're the reason I'm driving 160 miles a day -- why not chip in for gas money?

Yes you are. You are asking him to pay YOU for Their transportation. He paid 1/3 of the camp if you wanted gas money then you should have asked then.

Failure to plan on your part does not become his emergency.

 

[SMD]

There are plenty of people who have to look for work that fits their transportation schedule. There are also lots of kids who aren't doing their preferred summer activity or any summer activity due to lack of transportation or other logistical issues. I agree with PP, how is gas money, and wear and tear on a vehicle due to optional activities not covered by child support?

 

[Minnie_me]

I feel like I can't even answer fast enough all of the assumptions and criticisms that are flying at me. And I wish that people would read my other posts so that they see all of the things I've already answered/explained. My DD could NOT find a job within a more reasonable distance. Believe me, we live in a rural area. And yes, she is making good money, and it is related to her field, and she'll be able to continue working there during all school breaks as long as she wants. It's worth it.

I hadn't considered asking DD18 for gas money, as I already stated, but I AGREE --- it's a good idea! (but there's still the 96 miles a day that I'm driving her sister)

SHE IS NOT GOING TO GET HER LICENSE THIS SUMMER ---- end of story. And even if she did, she isn't getting a car. I won't discuss it further. She and I will be subject to much more criticism if I do.

I don't know why child support goes until age 21, but it does. I live in New York State. Not sure if it's like that in the whole state, or only in my case. I don't question it!

 

[sksjasams]

OP, some people are being too harsh with their responses!

Have you actually calculated your gas costs per week - based on MPG for your car and how low gas prices are right now? It might not be as much as you think.

It really is reasonable to ask your older DD to pitch in for gas. I told my DS17 if he got a job near our house he wouldn't have to pitch in, but if he got a job further away, he would need to pitch in. It's only fair. Even if she only gave you $20/week that would help.

For younger DD, I would try to work out something with the suburb parents to carpool - could you give them a bit of money for gas, or even drop off/pick up DD at their house? Or trade days with them driving? How many weeks is the program - the whole summer? Maybe next year, negotiate gas cost with your ex when discussing if she should participate in a summer program.

Good luck to you!

 

[sk!mom]

To answer some questions:

Yes, he was fully aware of the girls participating in these jobs/activities, and he paid 1/3 of the cost of the musical theatre program. (FWIW, the 15-year old has a job as well, but it's right in town, so I don't mind the 5 minute drive for her) Gas costs were not discussed at the time, because I guess I didn't really think about the fact that I'd be driving 160 miles a day!!

The 18-year old does not have a driver's license, and is not ready to get one. I'm not going to go into all of that now (that's a whole 'nother thread, and I really don't want to discuss it, so please don't!), but it's not going to happen this summer. We have friends who have purchased cars for their college kids, or helped them with cars and car expenses. Ex has made it VERY CLEAR that he will not help pay any extra expenses related to DD having her own car. DD is working full-time to help pay for COLLEGE, not a car. I never thought about asking her for gas money, but I know she would give it to me if I did.

Someone mentioned "above and beyond" includes braces ---- well, he refused to pay a penny toward the $4,000 I paid for DD15's braces. He felt that she didn't need them, because it was to fix a "cross-bite", and it wasn't anything noticeable like an overbite or crooked teeth. And I paid a tutor $20 an hour (which I know is very reasonable) for 2 years to get DD through Algebra 1 and 2, and he refused to pay a penny toward that.

If your ex is in agreement that she is unable to drive right now then maybe he should contribute to her transportation costs. But he should definitely have a say in what those costs are ahead of time. Which brings me to my real point...

It seems to me that the real problem is that driving 160 miles per day is overwhelming and maybe unwise. How much does her job pay? Is it even worth it given the commute. My DD20 was looking at 3 paid internship offers for this summer. She certainly factored commute into the decision. One opportunity was nixed because she would have been driving way too much for the opportunity- cost/benefit wasn't there.

Are the job and theater program in the same town? If so, I would stay there in the afternoon after the job drop off until it was time to pick up the 15 year old to eliminate a couple of trips.

 

[TAX GUY]

I feel like I can't even answer fast enough all of the assumptions and criticisms that are flying at me. And I wish that people would read my other posts so that they see all of the things I've already answered/explained. My DD could NOT find a job within a more reasonable distance. Believe me, we live in a rural area. And yes, she is making good money, and it is related to her field, and she'll be able to continue working there during all school breaks as long as she wants. It's worth it.

I hadn't considered asking DD18 for gas money, as I already stated, but I AGREE --- it's a good idea! (but there's still the 96 miles a day that I'm driving her sister)

SHE IS NOT GOING TO GET HER LICENSE THIS SUMMER ---- end of story. And even if she did, she isn't getting a car. I won't discuss it further. She and I will be subject to much more criticism if I do.

I don't know why child support goes until age 21, but it does. I live in New York State. Not sure if it's like that in the whole state, or only in my case. I don't question it!

If there was public transportation or the option to car pool, would he be required or expected to pay for her bus pass/ cab fare or to help pay for car pool expenses?

 

[NHdisneylover]

I get having a kid who does not drive. My oldest, 19, doesn't. This limits job prosepcts and my kid puts in lots of effort to find work that they can get to (this can include working at summer camps that provide room and board--pay isn't great but there are no cdaily commutes or other expenses so what little pay there is all goes into savings for the school year).
If dirving is an issue for your daughter, well, it is good for her to learn how to work around that NOW--by getting creative to find ways to get work she can reach on her own (can she find something within biking distance?) or else by assuming she'll have to pay costs to get a ride, etc.


Also, are both girls in the same city? If so, can the oldest ride in with the yougner sister in the morning and hang out at the library or otherwise entertain herself unitl her shift starts?
The reality of life is that when you cannot/will not drive you have to be more flexible and find ways to work with that that are often less convienient than they might be for drivers.

 

[daisyduck123]

Just wondering what state you're in?

Here in Maryland, child support ends when the child turns 18yo or the month he/she graduates (whichever comes later).

My DS18 turned 18 this past Feb, but child support did not end til last month (June) because he graduated last month. He is my youngest, so I will never, ever get another dime from Ex-DH (although he owes me thousands in past child support, that's another thread!)