Secrets for a long and happy marriage????

[njcarita]

op here.....
wanted to thank everyone for all the replies & suggestions..... the disboards has always felt like an extended family too me ... and new I could turn to all you...

Talked to husband this afternoon .... we are going to start planning a date night and try to get away next month.....
"Working" at a marriage is new to me.... it always came like breathing.... no one is perfect but I think the problem is mostly me.... I think I'm perimenapausal .. lots of hot flashes and mood swings... so I'll go get my hormones checked soon.......

 

[njcarita]

OP... I don't know you and don't think I've ever had a conversation with you, so I don't want anyone to think this is personal. And I admittedly just posted on another thread that I'm single so maybe my opinion might not be worth much.

I don't want to be snarky... but... as I was reading your post, I couldn't help but notice your signature line. I honestly have a hard time with anyone who has a brother, a husband, a father, a son, or a boyfriend saying things like that.

Maybe your husband feels like he's always wrong in your eyes and that's why things feel "off"?

Just a thought, because it really stood out to me as I was reading.

Good luck.

my husband and I have great sense of humor... we actually both found this funny... we are constantly laughing and joking.....friends get a kick at our facebook rebuttels too each other.....its just in fun.......
I actually think laughter has gotten us this far without problems... until now

 

[frndshpcptn]

hijacking again re: snowwhite - my ex was brought up in a home where his parents hated each other. They didn't want to be married to one another, but never got divorced. Part of his difficulty in being in a relationship was that he had no model for what real love and real family should be like.

He had no idea what it meant to really be a partner to someone. His defenses were always up (his parents are still married and still openly hostile to each other). It was a disaster. He really couldn't function in a relationship and it's part of what led to our ultimate demise.

Please think about how your behavior will impact your dd's future relationships...

 

[minkydog]

hi guys..... been happily married for 22 years.....but lately have felt somethings not right...... I know marriages have their ups and down...... I just hit 45 and seem to be questioning everything..... my life....career.....me..... etc.....I feel like I went from a young 23 year old to on middle aged mam in a blink of on eye.....I know my husband loves me..... but i don't feel he's in love with me .... just don't see that glint in his eye anymore....I almost feel like I'm the one going thru a mid life crisis......my kids are still young 8,12 &14 so a lot of our energy is spent on them......Just feel a little lonely, lost and neglected.....

I think what you're describing is pretty universal. Women (and men) go through a period of self-analysis in their 40s. We're halfway between cradle and grave,so it's time to size things up. Most women in their mid-late 40s have an ah-ha! moment when they realize that THIS is their life--and it's not the life they thought they would have. Your kids are almost in high school(or out of high school), your job may be less inspiriing than it was in your 20s, your marriage may have been on cruise control for a few years while you're raising a family. It comes as a shock when we realize that half our life is gone and we haven't DONE anything yet!

I know it feels uncomfortable but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. People used to think that only men had mid-life crises, but women do to. Now, to my way of thinking we have a couple of choices: give in to our desires to ditch everything and run away to Oregon & live in a commune or do some serious thinking about how we want the rest of our life to go. Wanna know how I know so much about this? Guess

I think it is very important to reclaim yourself. You've been a daughter, a mother,a wife for so long, you may not even know who you are. Perhaps it's time for you to take a writing class or learn another language. Maybe it's time to take up camping or visit a National Park. Maybe all you need is some quality time away from the kids where you and your husband do nothing but take care of each other. You don't have to change everything. Just change one thing. Make it YOUR thing.

You know what "my thing" was? I bought a red Jeep Wrangler. I called up a food bank and volunteered to help. I get a huge charge out of going down there and packing food boxes for needy families every Monday. I drive down there in my Jeep. Now that I"m doing things that *I* like to do, I find that I"m more patient with my DH and the kids and I just have a general feeling of well-being. People have noticed that I have more confidence. I do feel better. I feel "lighter". My marriage has improved too, now that I'm not taking care of everyone but myself.

Best of luck to you. A lot of us have "been there" and the rest just haven't had enough birthdays yet.

 

[NCRedding]

The one thing I am so afraid of is that DD will not learn how to have a good relationship and marriage by watching us. But I dont know how to make it better or even if I want to. We grate on each other's nerves often, He gets on mine because even though we both have full time jobs, I am expected to do EVERYTHING in the house (laundry, cooking, cleaning, make his lunch daily, etc) and his job after work is to come home and keep the couch warm till bedtime. I apparently grate on his nerves because I am always "nagging" him to help me and to get up and do something or when I ask him to stop watching TV and pay a little bit of attention to me when I am talking to him or ecause maybe I ask him to something really ridiculous like, oh I dont know, pick your socks up off the living room floor where you left them 4 days ago.

Sorry to hijack your thread, OP. I dont really feel qualified to give advice but I can give you this[/QUOTE]

Snowwhite 607: If it weren't for the fact that my husband is always in the recliner, I would think that you and I are married to the same man.

Our child will be going to college in the fall. I've recently started individual therapy to try to decide what I want for the rest of my life. I've found out there is a a theory of "walk away wives" which occurs often marriages where the woman is mid to late 40s. What happens is the wife makes complaints about what she wants her husband to do, husband responds by accusing wife of "nagging". After time, wife shuts down and just does everything to keep the peace. Husband thinks things are great because wife has stopped "nagging" and he gets to do what he wants. Then, once the children are fairly self-sufficient, or maybe the wife has a health scare, she decides she is done, and leaves the marriage. Sounds as though your relationship may be very similar to mine, with the exception of children's ages, etc.

OP: sounds like you are on the right track. Hope you have a good date, and are soon back where you need to be.

 

[Sparx]

op here.....
wanted to thank everyone for all the replies & suggestions..... the disboards has always felt like an extended family too me ... and new I could turn to all you...

Talked to husband this afternoon .... we are going to start planning a date night and try to get away next month.....
"Working" at a marriage is new to me.... it always came like breathing.... no one is perfect but I think the problem is mostly me.... I think I'm perimenapausal .. lots of hot flashes and mood swings... so I'll go get my hormones checked soon.......

Have a great time on your date!

 

[RNMOM]

We've been married 32 years and lots of things aren't always like I would want them. The bedroom matters for instance. Both my DH and I have issues but there are intimacies we can enjoy. Both of us suffer from lack of libido at times. I think this is causing us to drift apart.

We had one of our very infrequent spats last evening and I am still not willing/ready to discuss. We are still speaking but only as necessary. We both know I need to get past my wanting to lash out and be willing to discuss or ignore. I'm having a lot of pain and sleeping poorly so my leash is a bit short right now. He's wrapped up in his own stuff and not noticing so we both could bend a little.

Most important thing I think we've learned is that shouting and arguing don't solve anything. We have learned to go to our own corners till we are both ready to talk it out. I'm just not quite there yet.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I am 34 and feel entirely too young to offer marriage advise, but the fact is I am very happily married, so maybe my $.02 will help.

A little background. I have been with my DH for 19 years, married almost 17. He is my one true love. I fell in love with him, despite me not wanting to, when I was 15. We got engaged when I was 16, married at 17, pregnant with our oldest DD at 18 and had her at 19.

The best advise I can give you is to date your husband, OFTEN! DH and I date at least once a week. Your kids are old enough to not need to pay a babysitter. Even when we don't have much money, a cheap date is better then no date. We have had some very cheap dates (a walk for an ice cream) and they are just as benificial as a nice night out. We meet a couple times a month for lunch, go out every weekend, and sometimes we just go grocery shopping together and get a drink and sit in the cafe at the store before we shop and talk. I can't imagine my life and surviving the stress of 3 kids if I didn't have those times to look forward to. That would be my #1 piece of advise. DATE, DATE, DATE, and remember why you fell in love.

Also, I have found when I do little things for my DH it comes bask to me (not why I do it, but it's nice!) Some little things I do for my DH is I make him breakfast every morning, I put love notes in his lunch, I stop by his office and make a heart out of Hershey Kisses on his dash (I do this all the time, but not in the summer, learned that lesson on a warm Spring day!) I send him cards at work just because, I write love messages on his window of his car. Any little thing to let him know you love him. It becomes fun to think of what you can do next and despite him being a big, strong man, it makes him smile to know I cared, and then he does little things back and it becomes a little game of "love you tag."

I think if you remind yourself what it was that you fell in love with him for and get back to that, while you may not have that same new love feeling, you can have a truly wonderful, comfortable love which to me, is far more enjoyable.

Best of luck, I hope you can fall in love with your DH again. Getting married at 17 I learned the ups and downs of marriage. We went thought them but we are so much stronger for it and I have never loved my DH more in my life and I know tomorrow I will love him just a little more. I wish that for you as well.

 

[daisy2jae]

My DH and I drop notes to each other once in awhile when we are feeling down. He'll slip in my bathroom drawer where I keep my make-up. I'll put them in his lunch bucket or in his truck. It always makes me smile and it's a nice surprise. I love seeing "I love you and hope you have a great day" "I'll be thinking about you all day". Nothing big but I love it!

We also enjoy getting away for a day or a weekend. However sometimes having a babysitter or money isn't in the budget.

We also took up running. We're going to do a 5K next week and a 10K next month. It's given us something new to talk about.

We've had great moments and bad moments but I wouldn't change it for the world!

Be creative and find some way to surprise him. Maybe he'll do the same in return.

 

[ilovejack02]

Talked to husband this afternoon .... we are going to start planning a date night and try to get away next month.....
"Working" at a marriage is new to me.... it always came like breathing.... no one is perfect but I think the problem is mostly me.... I think I'm perimenapausal .. lots of hot flashes and mood swings... so I'll go get my hormones checked soon.......

You are a lucky girl to be married this long and not to have work at it much!

HORMONES, funny you mention that. During our really bad year, comes out at the end that I have horrible cyst issues, that had never been an issue for me.
We both really think that part of our whole problem was raging hormones and dr. agrees . I was depressed and a MESS, which made our marriage a mess. I wasnt happy me or him or life etc. etc, who am i , blah blah blah the whole nine yards.
Got my hormones in check, wow life and our marriage all fell into place. Granted, we still needed to learn a few things about communication and putting our marriage first, but once i got hormone issues under control the other was easier to deal with.

Get it checked, who knows?

 

[kilee]

Also a little younger here. However we've been married just about 11 years and living together for almost 14 years.

We've defintely gone through different stages of love. Went through 2 periods so rough (not physical rough, but emotional rough) in our marriage I was almost out the door.

Pretty much after the first time, about 3 yrs ago, what we learned was that we got to a stale point in our marriage where we took each other for granted. I can tell you that was a turning point for us. We really did love each other so much, but lost those feelings. We did what many suggested and went away for a weekend together and then for a week together about 3 months after that. It was truly wonderful. We went through a honeymoon phase for about a year, then when that settled down the one thing we swore to was to not settle into going through the motions again. He still does a lot of little things for me. I do the same for him. We have much more give and take.

This past fall a series of things happened with his health, my work, and his son. Anyhow, I noticed us growing apart. You know what was missing----- we were not spending anytime alone and those little things were missing. I finally broke into tears one Saturday morning in January and well.......we both straigthened up and things are much improved again.

It was never that we really lost our feelings for one another, but when we didn't and don't take time to really enjoy each other all the other things in life tend to get in the way.

Just this weekend we were able to arrange to have a weekend alone. We went to the store and bought all of our favorite snack foods, rented 4 movies and spent the whole weekend just being together. Didn't cost us much, but it was a wonderful time together.

 

[jodifla]

I agree with the "date your husband" philosophy. When you have children, their needs and wants can often swamp a marriage. You put them first, then slowly the marriage becomes more business arrangement than best friends/soulmates, because not enough time is spent nourishing the relationship. Of course, it's the children who end up suffering in the long run when a marriage doesn't last because it's partners abandoned each other trying to put their children first.

To me, dating your husband means one on one time. We try to do regular date nights, although that is tough with our schedules, and we go away every year for our anniversary, because we believe our marriages is something to celebrate.

Good luck to you. I've been married 22 years as well! I think you'll find our getaway and time together will rejuvenate things.

 

[lovesmurfs]

hi guys..... been happily married for 22 years.....but lately have felt somethings not right...... I know marriages have their ups and down...... I just hit 45 and seem to be questioning everything..... my life....career.....me..... etc.....I feel like I went from a young 23 year old to on middle aged mam in a blink of on eye.....I know my husband loves me..... but i don't feel he's in love with me .... just don't see that glint in his eye anymore....I almost feel like I'm the one going thru a mid life crisis......my kids are still young 8,12 &14 so a lot of our energy is spent on them......Just feel a little lonely, lost and neglected.....

This doesn't address your problem, but I heard an interview on NPR one time -- they were interviewing a couple who had been married for 60 years. They asked the woman what the secret to a good marriage was. Her response: "I decided that when I got married I would make a list of 10 things that my husband does that I promise would NEVER make me upset. But I never got around to making the list. All through my marriage, everytime he did something to tick me off, I would say, 'Good thing it's on the list!'"

We'll be married 20 years in May, with two kids -- DD10 and DS16. We've had our ups and downs, and DH tends to be rather depressing and melancholy at times (he's also 11.5 years older than I am). During the downs, looking back, it's always when we become siloed and in our own worlds. When we notice, talk about it, and reorient ourselves to our relationship, life uprights itself again.

I would think that your kids are old enough to stay by themselves, for a few hours at least. Start working on being a couple again. Go out to dinner. Take a walk together. Go to a movie. Get some sleep.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I think physical intimacy is very important and sometimes it's easy to let that slide. If you are lacking in that area try to reignite the passion somehow.

I swear my DH just looks at me differently and flirts with me a lot when that part of our relationship is on track.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I think physical intimacy is very important and sometimes it's easy to let that slide. If you are lacking in that area try to reignite the passion somehow.

I swear my DH just looks at me differently and flirts with me a lot when that part of our relationship is on track.

Oh, yeah. What she says, too!

 

[njcarita]

op here.....just loving all the posts......thanks for sharing...... we decided on going out once a week......we are both actually excited about it..... we were married for 7 years before i got the " omg I have to have a baby itch" I was pregnant 5 times in the following 5 years( 3 kids and 2 miscarriages)... than I quit my career to raise the kids and we really have put the kids first all these last 14 years.......

as for all the posters who posted about the "challenges" with your marriages..... as I pray for my marriage I will also be praying for you and your spouses.....

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I think physical intimacy is very important and sometimes it's easy to let that slide. If you are lacking in that area try to reignite the passion somehow.

I swear my DH just looks at me differently and flirts with me a lot when that part of our relationship is on track.

This is a big one. You have to make the time. The connection is much easier to lose when you aren't enjoying .

op here.....just loving all the posts......thanks for sharing...... we decided on going out once a week......we are both actually excited about it..... we were married for 7 years before i got the " omg I have to have a baby itch" I was pregnant 5 times in the following 5 years( 3 kids and 2 miscarriages)... than I quit my career to raise the kids and we really have put the kids first all these last 14 years.......

as for all the posters who posted about the "challenges" with your marriages..... as I pray for my marriage I will also be praying for you and your spouses.....

So glad to hear you are doing this, you will no question see a huge difference. I have been at home with my kids for 16 years and for a little while when they were small I was so stressed some days a shower was a gift, let alone getting myself to look good and feel goo. But I decided I needed to change that and it made a huge difference in how I felt, how we were together, and even my kids were better off having mom who cared about mom. Good for you! Enjoy your dates!!!

 

[minkydog]

I think physical intimacy is very important and sometimes it's easy to let that slide. If you are lacking in that area try to reignite the passion somehow.

I swear my DH just looks at me differently and flirts with me a lot when that part of our relationship is on track.

I agree. Physical intimacy can bring about a powerful bond in the relationship. Everyone should fight to maintain it. However, sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things happen that are beyond your control. Physical intimacy can be difficult or impossible due to health problems or hormone deficiencies in both parties. One or both feel hurt and betrayed.

DH are experiencing this and it's difficult. I miss that part of our lives, but there is very little we can do to fix it. His health prevents it. Couseling helps a little, gives me a place to express my feelings without further injuring his. So we have had to find other ways to express intimacy. Things like, making each other's coffee or tea. Cooking special dinners. Making time to date. DH & I discovered a mutual love of travel which we didn't know we had. We bought a travel trailer and fell headlong in love with RVing. Just getting out into the woods, walking around, sharing quiet times by the lake perks us up and makes us appreciate each other. When we get to feeling blue, nothing revives us as much as looking at our pictures and reminiscing about some of our wonderful RV trips.

There is life after the death of physical intimacy, but you really have to work at it. We've been married for 29 year and some might think that's pretty old, that the interest isn't there. But it is. We're only 53, in the prime of life and with some creativity we have been able to substitute some other pleasures. It's not the same, but it's better than being hurt and angry.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Hmm, while spending time with your DH is great I think men like a little mystery. When DH and I go through a patch where we're not getting along I call him on it and say it out loud, it always seems to jar him into the real world. I am usually very warm and demonstrative, throwing my arms around him every night when he comes home from work etc, so when I turn cold it is REALLY noticeable and he doesn't like it at all.

Also, how about you? Confidence is a huge aphrodisiac. That thing you are saying is missing isn't love, it's infatuation. It's hard to be infatuated with something you know, so be less knowable... make it a point to do things out of character, out of step. Not big annoying things, little things like if you say the same thing every day stop saying it, if you call every day stop calling, if you tell him where you go every time you leave stop telling, don't follow him to bed, shake yourself up a bit. Don't look to him to make things better, if you start to put more effort into yourself you will feel better about yourself and he'll be drawn into that positive energy. Also, it's not just your DH who will be drawn in, being upbeat and perky will draw other men to you too and that little nudge will send your man spinning faster than anything else on the planet.

My DH was working out and getting in super shape and started giving me garbage about taking care of myself more too. UMM, I am fine, would like to be thinner but who doesn't. Anyhow we went out to a club with friends and some handsome younger guy in his 20's started hitting on me, but I was oblivious and thought he had his had on my shoulder because he was leaning in to ask for a napkin from the bar. Well, by the time I caught on and flashed my ring DH was behind me and close enough to hear the guy say "if you don't care about the ring I don't" I thought it was hilarious but DH did not and told him if he didn't get his hand of his wife he would tear it off and shove it... well Can I tell you I've gotten a year of more attention out of that little event.

I've been with my DH since we were 20 and married since 23, I'm now 40. He is my best friend in the world and I would never ever stray, he knows this... none the less there is something to be said for him being reminded I could if I wanted to do so KWIM.

Of course, this wouldn't apply if he & I were in a fragile place about physical intimacy. Then petty jealousies sparking interest wouldn't be endearing or amusing at all, they'd be cruel.

 

[Mamu]

We will be celebrating 45 years this September. I wish I had answers for you. I don't. There can be a fine line in Love, respect, trust, compatible and loyalty. When just one is strained or broken it takes a lot of work to repair. Sometimes sadly it's not repairable. All marriages go through up and downs. It's how we handle the downs that make a marriage stronger. It has not always been marital bliss. There have been lot of trials along the way, I believe our love has been strong enough and the fact that we discuss our problems openly.

I do believe 40 is a danger zone in most marriages. DH and I married very young just out of HS. Yes we went through those danger zones and not without problems. I guess my best advice is talk, talk, talk honestly about whats bothering both of you.