Secrets for a long and happy marriage????

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Understanding that there are going to be tough times & divorce is not an option. It is very easy to grow apart, it's the growing together that makes a marriage work & get stronger as time passes.

Also I think liking someone is just as important as loving someone.

 

[Nancy F]

We'll be married 30 years on May 17TH and I couldn't picture my life without my husband. And we work together so we are together 24/7 365. That being said... that doesn't mean we don't want to strangle each other once in a while. But the good has always outweighed the bad.

I really feel for those that don't have what we have. Life is too short to be miserable. Do whatever you have to do to be happy today as tomorrow isn't a given.
Nancy

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Understanding that there are going to be tough times & divorce is not an option. It is very easy to grow apart, it's the growing together that makes a marriage work & get stronger as time passes.

Also I think liking someone is just as important as loving someone.

I agree with both of these points. People told us we would grow apart getting married so young, but we were determined to grow together. We are not at all the same as we were at 17 and 21 but the changes in us brought us closer.

And I am married to my best friend. I love him deeply but I also like him so,so much. There is no one in the world I'd rather be with at any moment.

 

[Donnainnj]

I think in your place the first thing I would do would be to try and take care of some of the things you don't like that have to be done. Look into getting a cleaning person, even someone once a month can help a lot. Maybe a lawn service to. You don't want to do these things, he doesn't want to do them either, if you can possibly afford to, it may help you feel a little better. I would also get counseling, if he wont go, go alone. Sometimes people who don't know better show pain as anger/snarkyness. If he balks at the money, give him real info on what a divorce would cost.
Donna

Okay I get the part about being physically intimate but tell me....how can you when you are so disconnected in every other way?

Truthfully I feel used in my marriage......I feel used to make lunches, do laundry, work full time, keep up with the house, the bills, the garbage, the yardwork, the automobile repairs, the errands, the cooking, the cleaning, etc. I think that would just be one more area in which I would feel used. I do not feel valued in any way by this man. Like nothing I do matters.

If it were the 2 of us, I would stop but I have a child and I am not willing to stop doing the laundry or stop cooking to prove a point to her father. She needs to eat and she needs clean clothes.

Seriously, how can you be intimate with someone who doesnt talk to you and when he does, its only in a snarky tone? How can you with someone who finds fault with EVERYTHING you do or say? I had rather have a root canal.

 

[jwhtewolfd]

OP - glad to hear you scheduled your date. It sounds like it will do you both worlds of good. And maybe you can come back and give us some juicy details?

SnowWhite - I can't remember if in your posts you've said that you have had the serious "we need to talk" sit-down? If so, is he unwilling to acknowledge there is a problem, or does he realize what is going on and simply doesn't care?

It sounds like you are a live-in maid for him. That HAS to stop. Maybe this is a little sexist, but if you are cooking, cleaning and doing laundry, he should absolutely at least have yard and garbage duty.

Maybe it will take him seeing you being a little bit selfish for him to get the point. There's nothing stopping you from doing just you and your daughter's laundry; he should be able to figure out some other way to get food at lunch time (and it won't kill him if he goes without), etc. It's a petty route, but it is one option.

I'm hoping that he's just oblivious to the situation and maybe there can be some hope for you. If not, then know you are worth way more than this. You deserve to be happy. Do whatever necessary to make that happen.

 

[EllaM]

I just hit 45 and seem to be questioning everything..... my life....career.....me..... etc.....I feel like I went from a young 23 year old to on middle aged mam in a blink of on eye.....I know my husband loves me..... but i don't feel he's in love with me ...

Doesn't that happen to just about every 40-something female in the world? Or 40-something male, for that matter. Married or not, childless or not.

It's that mystical time when you suddenly realize you are halfway through your life while your kids are just beginning theirs. You really want a "do over" because you're certain you could have done your teens and twenties better, certainly better than these younglings coming up in the world assuming they know everything.

It's perfectly normal to go through a sort of mourning period of your youth. I'm guessing your husband is probably experiencing his own sort of private hell as well.

I don't have any clearcut advice for you, just empathy. I've been going through my own sort of hell as well. In time it gets better. You learn to remind yourself of everything you do have and realize you wouldn't if you hadn't gone through all that lifetime to get there. As for marriage, the best advice my mom ever gave me was to marry your best friend. The feeling of being "in love" (i.e. infatuation) comes and goes in a marriage. You're guaranteed to annoy the crap out of each other on occasion, get so absorbed in your lives you neglect each other, disagree, but if you have a friendship you have the tools to work it out or just be patient with each other until the individual works it out.

Oh and kids do suck the life out of every adult. Wonderful, life-affirming important but the little buggers can be selfish as hell in their youth. That's why my mom was so fond of telling us "wait till you have kids" everytime we were especially draining to her. For your own self-preservation make sure you have something besides children and their upkeep to enrich your life. Same goes for your marriage. If all you have in common is being co-parents, that relationship falls apart fast as soon as the kids leave the nest.

 

[njcarita]

Doesn't that happen to just about every 40-something female in the world? Or 40-something male, for that matter. Married or not, childless or not.

op here....I thought so but it seemed that my little circle of friends sailed thru without issue....I'm one of the youngest from my circle........ and whenever I have mentioned hot flashes or not knowing what I want to do with the rest of my life...they can't or don't relate...........

 

[njcarita]

OP - glad to hear you scheduled your date. It sounds like it will do you both worlds of good. And maybe you can come back and give us some juicy details?

we'll we went out last night.... I think my husband was looking forward too this more than I was.... he kept asking me " so we are really going to go out every week"..... we are on a strict budget so we didn't do anything to exciting.. we went to eat at Friendlys ( they had a 9.99 meal deal( drink ,entree and sundae) and I had a $3 off coupon).... so for about 25.00 including tip... we had a pretty good dinner.....
and than we hit the food store together ....

 

[lovesmurfs]

we'll we went out last night.... I think my husband was looking forward too this more than I was.... he kept asking me " so we are really going to go out every week"..... we are on a strict budget so we didn't do anything to exciting.. we went to eat at Friendlys ( they had a 9.99 meal deal( drink ,entree and sundae) and I had a $3 off coupon).... so for about 25.00 including tip... we had a pretty good dinner.....
and than we hit the food store together ....

Wonderful! I'm so glad you had a good time. Be sure to carve out time to do this even when it becomes "inconvenient".

I love shopping with DH (usually...). One of the nicest Christmases we ever had was when DH and I went shopping together to get all of the gifts for our family -- it was the first (and, sad to say, last) time that DH didn't act surprised when someone opened a gift from us.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

Okay I get the part about being physically intimate but tell me....how can you when you are so disconnected in every other way?

Truthfully I feel used in my marriage......I feel used to make lunches, do laundry, work full time, keep up with the house, the bills, the garbage, the yardwork, the automobile repairs, the errands, the cooking, the cleaning, etc. I think that would just be one more area in which I would feel used. I do not feel valued in any way by this man. Like nothing I do matters.

If it were the 2 of us, I would stop but I have a child and I am not willing to stop doing the laundry or stop cooking to prove a point to her father. She needs to eat and she needs clean clothes.

Seriously, how can you be intimate with someone who doesnt talk to you and when he does, its only in a snarky tone? How can you with someone who finds fault with EVERYTHING you do or say? I had rather have a root canal.

I couldn't, but I couldn't stay married to that person either.

Like a PP said, like is just as important as love. You need to like, love and physically desire your partner for it all to work IMO. I could never be intimate with someone I didn't like.

 

[eeyoresmom]

Wonderful! I'm so glad you had a good time. Be sure to carve out time to do this even when it becomes "inconvenient".

I love shopping with DH (usually...). One of the nicest Christmases we ever had was when DH and I went shopping together to get all of the gifts for our family -- it was the first (and, sad to say, last) time that DH didn't act surprised when someone opened a gift from us.

Op, DID you have a good time? Your post sounded kind of neutral to me.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I'll bet you were happy to go out!!!

How great that your DH feels the same as you about all of this!!!!

Just a tip, I think I would avoid the food store, or any other 'errands'...

We've made that mistake!!!!
For example, my birthday is just a few weeks before Christmas, so my 'birthday' always seems to mean shopping for DS gifts at Toys-R-Us while we are out without him...

There is always something that you could 'stop and take care of'...
But, I think that kind of defeats the purpose...

Yep, going out can get expensive!!!
Especially my DH, that is a big factor for him...
How about Just an adult movie...
or $5.00 subs and a chilled bottle of Reunite...

To me sometimes, even those simple things would be like

 

[crz4mm2]

Remember why you loved him/her and continue to do so.

It is HARD work to stay married.

Give 110% or 150% when the spouse is not..... and don't expect him/her to do the same.

 

[Buckalew11]

we'll we went out last night.... I think my husband was looking forward too this more than I was.... he kept asking me " so we are really going to go out every week"..... we are on a strict budget so we didn't do anything to exciting.. we went to eat at Friendlys ( they had a 9.99 meal deal( drink ,entree and sundae) and I had a $3 off coupon).... so for about 25.00 including tip... we had a pretty good dinner.....
and than we hit the food store together ....

We went out about 2 weeks ago. had a el cheapo dinner and went to Dick's Sporting Goods, lol. DH is not a shopper, period. He never shops with me (grocery, furniture, Christmas...) NEVER. So we ventured over to Dick's and roamed around pretty aimlessly. We weren't buying anything or hunting anything to buy. BUT, we ended up having a great time in that store. I hit golf balls, we tried out equipment, I played with the golf club covers (they have Rocky and Bullwinkle ones--who knew?) plus I'm not a golfer, lol. Then, to top it all off, I set off an alarm at the watches! It was a silly night and we just had a lot of fun being together.

It doesn't have to be a huge expensive night out and that is important to remember. Every once in a while is great but you don't want to feel going out is a burden to your pocketbook. A walk in the park is nice and free too.

Good luck to everyone on here. My sister and her DH of 34 years are probably about to be divorced. Sad, tragic thing for my family and their 4 kiddos.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

we'll we went out last night.... I think my husband was looking forward too this more than I was.... he kept asking me " so we are really going to go out every week"..... we are on a strict budget so we didn't do anything to exciting.. we went to eat at Friendlys ( they had a 9.99 meal deal( drink ,entree and sundae) and I had a $3 off coupon).... so for about 25.00 including tip... we had a pretty good dinner.....
and than we hit the food store together ....

One of my favorite dates with DH was in a drive through hot dog place & we had hot dogs, fries & cokes in the pouring rain. It still ranks so high on my favorite date list.

Making time for each other is key to (my) marriage.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...they were interviewing a couple who had been married for 60 years. They asked the woman what the secret to a good marriage was. Her response: "I decided that when I got married I would make a list of 10 things that my husband does that I promise would NEVER make me upset. But I never got around to making the list. All through my marriage, everytime he did something to tick me off, I would say, 'Good thing it's on the list!'"...

This made me laugh!

OP, it's sounds like you might not be too sure about the date night thing. But maybe you were just a little nervous about the first one? I'd give it a couple more times.

Did anyone mention something called "Love Languages" yet? - I actually heard it in a discussion the other day about moms relating to their children, but it sounded as if it was adapted from couples relating to each other. It was very interesting, and they talked about how different people show/perceive love in different ways. (For instance, when you wrote that your DH seemed more excited about date nights than you were, it made me think he might be the "quality time" type.) I don't remember the author of the book, but I'm sure a lot of info would come up if you googled it. There were 5 types, I think, and the idea was to "talk" in ways each other could "hear".

 

[jodifla]

But maybe the biggest secret to a long and happy marriage is to pick your partner wisely.

DON'T get married just to have the big fancy wedding ceremony where you are princess for a day. Don't get married just to have children. Don't get married just to escape your family, or to have someone support you so you don't have to work or continue your education. Don't pick the "dangerous" boy or the "cute" boy just because they are dangerous and/or cute.


DO pick the person who you can see being friends with 30 years down the road. DO pick a man who will BE A GOOD FATHER! Do pick a man who has lots of good relationships, preferable with his mom, other family members and friends. DO pick someone who you can agree with on religion and politics...or at least be able to agree to disagree nicely. DO pick a man with some ambition, talents and skills and the desire to work. Do pick a man who can stop working occasionally and appreciate down time with his family.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

But maybe the biggest secret to a long and happy marriage is to pick your partner wisely.

DON'T get married just to have the big fancy wedding ceremony where you are princess for a day. Don't get married just to have children. Don't get married just to escape your family, or to have someone support you so you don't have to work or continue your education. Don't pick the "dangerous" boy or the "cute" boy just because they are dangerous and/or cute.


DO pick the person who you can see being friends with 30 years down the road. DO pick a man who will BE A GOOD FATHER! Do pick a man who has lots of good relationships, preferable with his mom, other family members and friends. DO pick someone who you can agree with on religion and politics...or at least be able to agree to disagree nicely. DO pick a man with some ambition, talents and skills and the desire to work. Do pick a man who can stop working occasionally and appreciate down time with his family.

Great post!

 

[binny]

Sorry to continue to hijack...
Wow, SnowWhite!!! They say that there is always somebody who has it worse.... I really feel for you.

DH is not quite that bad. He does make his own lunch!!! But, he was raised by parents who were not emotionally demonstrative at all.... Never emotionally engaged... narcissistic... And, it was Archie Bunker and June Cleaver. The man goes to work... and the woman does EVERYTHING. That is just all that DH has known. He never learned how to boil water... And, why should he learn now.

In our case, the example of Vince Vaughn and his wife in the movie is pretty close. He just thought that he goes to work, puts a paycheck in the bank, and that is his total involvement... She raised the kids without any breaks with him for years.. she is solely responsible for the maintenance and even expensive remodel job on their home... And, he is just dis-engaged.... (Except to be passive aggressive and jump on her about the costs.....) He doesn't want to bother to 'be there'. Anything more is just too much to ask... That is my DH... non-demonstrative and anything more is just too much to ask or expect. He is just too psychologically and emotionally stunted (from his parents) to know how to fully engage and do what is needed as an adult in life and in a relationship. ( it's like inside he is still the little kid with overbearing non-emotional parents. He thinks his responsibility is cleaning up after his lunch, not getting on the ball to get our crumbling driveway replaced, etc.....)

It is just like the counselor told Vince Vaughn and his wife.... Their description of their marriage is just like 'clocking in to to a job'. That really nailed it for me. That really nailed it perfectly.

omg I could have written that post too. Same reasons too. I told him last night that I have been home with a sick kid all week and taking care of everything while he has been working "in the field" which means observing some guy doing his job. Then he comes home and just checks out.

He is mad at me because I took the weekend away with my girlfriends! hello??? for the last 10 years you have been on the road WAY more than you have been home and now I move 800 miles away from everything I had for you! I deserve one weekend to myself!
grrrrr.

 

[njcarita]

Op, DID you have a good time? Your post sounded kind of neutral to me.

we had a lovely time...... it was great just to talk and reminensce .... we do go out a lot but as a family( us and 3 kids)...lots of potlucks and parties etc our weekends are usually crammed and I am always out with friends for lunch, shopping , bunco etc.......but it was nice it was just me and him... and that we are making time for each other....