Seating for wedding reception question

[lifesavacation]

If the bride is a dancer, she might just legitimately think this would be fun and awesome. Thinking she is taking this moment out of her day to humiliate her groom and future mother in law is bizarre?

As an introvert who is surrounded by extroverts, I can confidently say that some things that people just take for granted as being fun and awesome, are literal hell for others. They don't understand that though, because they tend to assume that everyone is like them.

For the record, not in 10 million years would I participate in this dance off, but I think the OP can use her adult words and say "no", without making it some big personal attack. Going on the war path that this was "meant to humiliate" the OP.... sorry but that is some next-level pot-stirring.

I think there's a difference between asking if I want to participate vs. telling me I've been signed up for 4 dance lessons and will participate. I was never asked. I also never went on "the war path." I'm not sure if that was meant for me or not. I was going to suck it up and go through with the dance even though it is the very last thing I want to do. I never said anything negative to my son or his fiancé about it. I only told my son to let me know the dates of the dance lessons if this was happening. I'm honestly not sure how my personal beliefs that I've not shared with them is pot stirring or going on the war path. Feel free to share it with me because I don't want to do either one.

I'm reading all the replies and taking everything in. I do want to make sure that what I say and do is reasonable and respectful.

 

[Skywalker]

I think there's a difference between asking if I want to participate vs. telling me I've been signed up for 4 dance lessons and will participate. I was never asked. I also never went on "the war path." I'm not sure if that was meant for me or not. I was going to suck it up and go through with the dance even though it is the very last thing I want to do. I never said anything negative to my son or his fiancé about it. I only told my son to let me know the dates of the dance lessons if this was happening. I'm honestly not sure how my personal beliefs that I've not shared with them is pot stirring or going on the war path. Feel free to share it with me because I don't want to do either one.

I'm reading all the replies and taking everything in. I do want to make sure that what I say and do is reasonable and respectful.

No absolutely not, that was not meant for you. I don't see you as going on the war path or pot-stirring at all, and I don't see you as doing anything wrong. I think you are handling it beautifully, actually. (Other than maybe you should be more forceful in saying no way to the dance off ) My comments were directed to the poster that I think, is blowing things out of proportion to what you yourself have stated, which I didn't see as helpful. But of course they, and you, can ignore me and I could be wrong. It's just my 2 cents after all.

 

[lifesavacation]

No absolutely not, that was not meant for you. I don't see you as going on the war path or pot-stirring at all, and I don't see you as doing anything wrong. I think you are handling it beautifully, actually. (Other than maybe you should be more forceful in saying no way to the dance off ) My comments were directed to the poster that I think, is blowing things out of proportion to what you yourself have stated, which I didn't see as helpful. But of course they, and you, can ignore me and I could be wrong. It's just my 2 cents after all.

Hey, if you see it differently from me, feel free to respond. I'm open to it. If I see it one way, but I need to see it another way, that's helpful. How I handle things with this wedding could affect my future relationship with my son and his fiancé. I really spend way too much time thinking about making sure I do the "right" thing. Just wish it was easier to know what "right" is, and that is why I posted. No drama or whatever. Just tell me the best way to respond.

 

[kymom99]

Hey, if you see it differently from me, feel free to respond. I'm open to it. If I see it one way, but I need to see it another way, that's helpful. How I handle things with this wedding could affect my future relationship with my son and his fiancé. I really spend way too much time thinking about making sure I do the "right" thing. Just wish it was easier to know what "right" is, and that is why I posted. No drama or whatever. Just tell me the best way to respond.

Maybe they feel like a dance off would be different or unique. And by gifting you dance lessons they are being helpful. If they are a family of dancers, they might see the lessons as a thoughtful gift that you and your son would enjoy together. Some people think everyone likes what they like. But they should have asked you if this is something you would enjoy. Since they didn’t, then they overlooked your feelings. I’d tell them no.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Would this dance-off include judges, no doubt friends of the bride?

 

[MillauFr]

OMG can your son get out of this marriage? This is just a peek at what the rest of his life will be like. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter....with in-laws of course. Summer vacations....ditto.

If he just wants to skip the holidays just do so. There is no obligation to see anyone on the holidays. My wife's cousin lives 1 block from our house and we haven't seen them in a couple of years.

 

[ronandannette]

Hey, if you see it differently from me, feel free to respond. I'm open to it. If I see it one way, but I need to see it another way, that's helpful. How I handle things with this wedding could affect my future relationship with my son and his fiancé. I really spend way too much time thinking about making sure I do the "right" thing. Just wish it was easier to know what "right" is, and that is why I posted. No drama or whatever. Just tell me the best way to respond.

I read it exactly the way @Skywalker explained it. The friction is over another poster's insistence that the dance nonsense is a targeted effort to humiliate you, which you yourself have not implied.

 

[Kimkimba]

I’ve never been to a wedding without assigned seating. It really works best this way.

 

[Lilsia]

I read it exactly the way @Skywalker explained it. The friction is over another poster's insistence that the dance nonsense is a targeted effort to humiliate you, which you yourself have not implied.

There is no friction, just other opinions. Since when are we not supposed to have differences of opinions here? From what the OP said, that she was TOLD that she was going to do this and was going to take dancing lessons, not ASKED, that is what comes across as the bride's side not having good intentions. Who just tells another adult that they are going to take lessons and do a dance off like that? I feel for the OP because it is clear that neither her son nor her want to do this stupid dance off, but the son has made her have to be the bad guy by not telling his fiance that he doesn't want to do that himself.

Lifesavacation, you should be honest with your son and future DIL and let them know how you feel. No one should be made to do something that they feel uncomfortable with. If the roles where reversed and you, as the groom's mother, told the bride and her family that they had to do some dance off, or anything that made them uncomfortable, you would be seen as the rude one. Some people seem to think that curtesy should only go one way. And since you are not on the bride's side, that you don't matter as much. It is ridiculous.

It very well could be that your future DIL thought that it would be "fun", or it could just be a recipe for disaster. If you don't "perform" good enough she can see it as you trying to ruin her wedding and hold a grudge against you the rest of your life. Some brides go ape poop crazy when it comes to their wedding. Everyone is trying to outdo themselves on social media now. How would you feel if they put up the video on Tik Tok for thousands to see you dance? These are all things that should be considered and discussed as soon as possible. I know that some people here don't like my outlook on life, but I know what people are capable of. If it looks like duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's probably not a swan.

 

[ronandannette]

There is no friction, just other opinions. Since when are we not supposed to have differences of opinions here? From what the OP said, that she was TOLD that she was going to do this and was going to take dancing lessons, not ASKED, that is what comes across as the bride's side not having good intentions. Who just tells another adult that they are going to take lessons and do a dance off like that? I feel for the OP because it is clear that neither her son nor her want to do this stupid dance off, but the son has made her have to be the bad guy by not telling his fiance that he doesn't want to do that himself...

...It very well could be that your future DIL thought that it would be "fun", or it could just be a recipe for disaster. If you don't "perform" good enough she can see it as you trying to ruin her wedding and hold a grudge against you the rest of your life. Some brides go ape poop crazy when it comes to their wedding. Everyone is trying to outdo themselves on social media now. How would you feel if they put up the video on Tik Tok for thousands to see you dance? These are all things that should be considered and discussed as soon as possible. I know that some people here don't like my outlook on life, but I know what people are capable of. If it looks like duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's probably not a swan.

I agree completely with your first bolded statement but you lost me again when you doubled-down on the conspiracy theory in your 3rd paragraph.

 

[Lilsia]

I agree completely with your first bolded statement but you lost me again when you doubled-down on the conspiracy theory in your 3rd paragraph.

My son absolutely does not want to do this any more than I do, but he's not going to say no to her. I would be doing him a favor by refusing (because he doesn't want the drama with the mother) but I don't want to cause issues. Did I mention we are expected to take dance lessons for this performance? Ugh!

This is from the OP. She literally said that her son does not want to do it either but won't stand up to his bride. And yes, people get crazy when it comes to weddings. If you have not seen this then you are either extremely fortunate or don't know many people. Because I have seen people act this way. I really wish that I lived in this bubble world that some of you live in and have not had a lifetime of seeing the worst of people.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

This is from the OP. She literally said that her son does not want to do it either but won't stand up to his bride. And yes, people get crazy when it comes to weddings. If you have not seen this then you are either extremely fortunate or don't know many people. Because I have seen people act this way. I really wish that I lived in this bubble world that some of you live in and have not had a lifetime of seeing the worst of people.

Yeah but it's a large stretch to the rhetoric you've been saying throughout the thread (and a few others), these very specific descriptions that are a presupposition into the inner workings of the motives and life long interactions between the families which there's no way you or anyone could be making. In other words respectfully it's over the top. All I've seen is talk that fuels a fire and I'm not sure that's the best path to a coexistence for the future so I get what the few other posters are saying.

 

[tzolkin]

I would take the dance lessons but make it known that I appreciate the thought and that they were trying to include me, but I just don't have the comfort level or skill for a dance off. I would instead do a nice mother-son dance that we both felt comfortable with and tell the bride that I am looking forward to watching what she and her father have planned.

I don't think the dance off plan was malicious. I think it's a narcissistic way of showing off her skills (either by the bride or by the MIL wanting to show off how great her daughter is or both) and that they really didn't give the OP's possibly feelings a second thought. That said, the bride can just as easily show off by doing an elaborate dance with her father without involving the OP. If she really thinks a dance off would be fun and is set on including one in her wedding, they should make that a part of the reception where whatever guests want to participate are welcome. To me, that would be much more fun to watch than a dance off with two people who really don't want to be participating.

 

[Jangles]

don't think the dance off plan was malicious. I think it's a narcissistic way

Laughing as I consider whether it is worse to be considered a narcissist or malicious.

 

[_19disnA]

I do want to make sure that what I say and do is reasonable and respectful.

Neither of those things require you to do things you either don't want to do or are uncomfortable doing. If you don't speak up for yourself, you are likely to get run over by pushy people who want everything to be their way.

 

[piccolopat]

What makes me sad is that OP's son unwillingness to take a stand on trivial things like the dance off and very lopsided guest list is that he will likely spend the rest of his married life as a "yes, dear" man. His MIL will likely be involved in things that shouldn't concern her and his new wife won't stop the interference. None of this is good for a marriage and I hope he takes a stand on what is right for him and his family before the stress causes the marriage to fail.

OP, by all means set up a seating chart for your side of the family. Not only will it avoid any grief for your family having to fill in an odd seat here and there, but if the rest of her family is the same as the wife and MIL, they will be ignored, at best, and feel very awkward for the during of the reception. Keep them apart and hopefully they will be able to enjoy the festivities.

I personally would refuse to do a dance off. It is clear they want to humiliate you since your future DIL is a professional dancer. Take a lesson and then call it quits. Perhaps feign a sore ankle and then wear an ankle brace.

 

[Nennie]

Definitely do assigned seating for your family. I'm surprised that they wouldn't do assigned seating for all of the guests. I can't imagine trying to scramble to find seats together. Assigned seating is just so much easier!

OP - I'm sorry that you are dealing with all of this. Hopefully the bride and her mother are just a little extra crazy right now with wedding planning, and that they will get back to normal after the wedding, and your son will have a happy marriage, happy family, and all that goes with it!

 

[RUDisney]

If you don't get the bride's mother to reserve seats for your 37 guests, make sure to tell your relatives/friends to get into the reception hall early so they can save 4 tables for your family. You know that the bride's mother will tell her friends and family so they aren't sitting in the cheap seats.

 

[mom2rtk]

Am I the only one still stuck on the fact that the groom's guest list is only 37 people compared with the bride's 315? That would obviously be fine if that was everyone the OP wanted to invite. But the fact that the bride's family CUT a single person from the OP's much shorter list tells me pretty much all I need to know.

 

[ronandannette]

Am I the only one still stuck on the fact that the groom's guest list is only 37 people compared with the bride's 315? That would obviously be fine if that was everyone the OP wanted to invite. But the fact that the bride's family CUT a single person from the OP's much shorter list tells me pretty much all I need to know.

A bit beside the point maybe but somewhere upthread the OP mentioned a full 100 of the bride-side guests are business associates of the parents and don’t even know the couple. My thoughts ran immediately to “Good Lord, please don’t ever let me receive an invitation like that and feel obligated to attend.” Yuck to having to sit through some random stranger’s wedding.