Seating for wedding reception question

[lifesavacation]

Lots of people have provided advice to the OP. Even with all of that advice is still seems like the OP and/or her son are unwilling to speak up about all of the 'issues' being raised from the invite list, seating, children being excluded to the dance lessons/'dance off' then clearly nothing is going to change. If you don't speak up, then the bride's family won't realize you have any concerns.

I really am reading through everyone's replies and taking it all in. DD18 tested positive for COVID on Sunday so I'm trying to juggle taking care of her and working. And there's also the Depp trial This thread is actually way more focus on the wedding than we've given it at home. It's been good to type out my feelings about it, though. I appreciate that everyone is taking the time to read and respond.

Here are my plans: No drama! No on the dance. Making a seating arrangement. Will be happy for whatever tables they reserve for us. Will enjoy the wedding.

 

[ronandannette]

I saw that and had the same reaction. But even without those 100, the numbers are still highly skewed and my point remains. For them to cut a single person from the groom's even without the 100 in the mix, is off the charts crazy.

Sorry - it was my comment that was slightly OT; not yours. That's what I was trying to convey.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

She saw her save the date and she didn't receive one. They also invited one cousin, but not the brother so I got a call asking if they needed the address. It was a few questions like that.

Generally speaking I'm of the opinion that there may be times where a reaching out to make sure is done but it's not likely when it comes to who is being invited to a wedding, that becomes a faux pas on the part of the would-be guest. Bless their hearts (and said in a genuine way not a snarky way) those people should realize that the chances that the bride and groom simply don't have their address and need it from them means they should contact you about it..yipes. In this day and age it's usually very easy to either reach out to get an address or to locate it on the internet.

Part of this may be this assumption that you have to invite all these sorts of people. I see "invited one cousin, but not the brother" and don't think that should be cause for a phone call.

Yes sometimes people really do forget their "great uncle pat, oh no, we didn't invite him, shoot, how could we forget him", but more often than not it's consciously done.

then got the invite and saw they couldn't bring their children when others could.

Okay this one seems normal to me if couples are either doing a no kids wedding or opting to have some kids but not others. It's not really a detail you put on the save the date but you do for the wedding invite.

I pulled out the save the date from the coworkers no kid wedding from 2016. The save the date (sent October 2015) was a post card and just had their photo, the city (not the actual venue just the city at that point) on the front. On the back part (where the stamp, our address and their return address was) was

Save the Date!
___ and __ are getting married

Date

Their wedding website from the knot.

On the wedding invite (sent March 2016 for a June 2016 wedding) on the information card was "While children are a blessing and a joy, we respectfully ask that this be an adults only ceremony and reception".

-----------------------------------
That said I would understand how someone may feel to see some kids at a wedding but not others even if I can understand a bit on that choice. Also to be fair while you know the guest list has been cut, it could have easily been something where a couple chose from the beginning not to invite so and so's kids, that's not applicable here but just a general thing.

That resulted in more calls.

Ugh I'm sorry that happened.

I recognize my son is in a tough position. His MIL has stated she is paying so she gets what she wants. I also acknowledge my son could pay for his own wedding if he wanted more influence on decisions. I get it, but I'm disappointed.

and I think it's okay to feel disappointed, hard not to be.

 

[Kestryl]

My old wedding forum habits are kicking in and I feel like I have to chime in on other issues.

Unless the wedding venue has specific age requirements, kids are not an all-or-nothing situation. For the most part, whether a kid is invited should be based on the relationship to the couple. (Breast feeding infants are the exception.) I would expect that someone would invite their five-year-old niece but not invite their co-workers five-year-old they never met.

Guest list skewing is very common. We had about a 25% groom/75% bride breakdown (ignoring mutual friends) for invites, 20% groom/80% bride for those who actually came. My family is bigger and family relationships were nurtured more. His family is smaller, more spread out, and there’s some level of drama where certain family members haven’t been seen in years. It happens.

If you send a save the date to someone, they get an invite. Exceptions are if you want to sever that relationship or there is a drastic wedding change (think slashing guest list due to Covid restrictions).

Rehearsal dinners are out of control.

I wish parents would stop making demands for guest lists and weddings.

That said, if a couple accepts money with strings attached, they need to adhere to them. If they pay, they get a say. Otherwise, they need to pay for the wedding themselves.

And this doesn’t appear to be a factor here, but I’m on a roll, so: I hate hate HATE the notion that the bride’s family pays for the wedding, the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner. What sexist BS. My father-in-law made a comment about that, and I think it was meant as a joke, but I still burn up a bit when I think about it,

 

[mom2rtk]

Guest list skewing is very common. We had about a 25% groom/75% bride breakdown (ignoring mutual friends) for invites, 20% groom/80% bride for those who actually came. My family is bigger and family relationships were nurtured more. His family is smaller, more spread out, and there’s some level of drama where certain family members haven’t been seen in years. It happens.

I don't see an issue with a lopsided guest list. People have different size families and friend groups. What I have an issue with is cutting people from the smaller side of an already lopsided list.

 

[BroadwayHermione5]

This is all why I've always been more about couples paying for it themselves. And I've been a lot less for parents being like "I'm paying for it so I get to decide". I've often been the odd one out though on wedding opinions on the DIS. I'm much more about what the couple wants.

I do feel for you and I think the fact that you're powering through it with your last part of your comment means you're coming from a good place with good intentions for the future

One of the best things one of my best friends and her husband did was pay for their own wedding from the get home. It wasn’t exactly what they wanted thanks to the pandemic. But they didn’t have to deal with idiot family members on either side (and when her great uncle the patriarch of the family recently passed, the family members that would’ve caused issues at her wedding caused some major issues at the wake. I almost punched someone in a funeral home because I was that done with them after having met them maybe 15 minutes prior and KNOWING what they put my friend and her mom through when the great uncle passed away)

 

[amylevan]

I don't see an issue with a lopsided guest list. People have different size families and friend groups. What I have an issue with is cutting people from the smaller side of an already lopsided list.

Agree. Cutting from a “tier 1” list of 50 of the groom so that 100 work friends of the parents of the bride who don’t even know the bride and groom is where I see an issue.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Agree. Cutting from a “tier 1” list of 50 of the groom so that 100 work friends of the parents of the bride who don’t even know the bride and groom is where I see an issue.

Keep in mind the list was not made from the groom, it was made from the OP who is the groom's mother given to the couple getting married. Those are not quite the same.

 

[focusondisney]

That said, if a couple accepts money with strings attached, they need to adhere to them. If they pay, they get a say. Otherwise, they need to pay for the wedding themselves.

I disagree with the bolded. That is money with strings attached, IMO. Paying or giving money for my kids weddings was just something my DH & I wanted to do. We made no demands on the couple & except for my dress, we had no final say in anything. Of course couples should take some consideration for the parents on both sides. But I firmly disagree that paying gives you the right to plan what you want instead of what the couple wants.

That said, I think the couple bears most of the responsibility for going along with that arrangement. I guess I just don’t understand parents who disregard their child’s desires for their own wedding. Or an adult about to get married who allows their wedding to be controlled that way.

 

[lifesavacation]

Keep in mind the list was not made from the groom, it was made from the OP who is the groom's mother given to the couple getting married. Those are not quite the same.

Fair point. We have always maintained that my son and his fiancé should have the wedding they want. If they didn't feel our guest list reflected what they wanted, I wish they would have given us a heads up about it. The last thing I want to do is put demands on the couple. Like I said, water under the bridge at this point. I brought it up here because I was trying to give context to my original post.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Fair point. We have always maintained that my son and his fiancé should have the wedding they want. If they didn't feel our guest list reflected what they wanted, I wish they would have given us a heads up about it. The last thing I want to do is put demands on the couple. Like I said, water under the bridge at this point. I brought it up here because I was trying to give context to my original post.

You're totally fine really I was just trying to clarify it really is two different things in the context of cutting from the groom to make room for the business associates.

 

[Kestryl]

I disagree with the bolded. That is money with strings attached, IMO. Paying or giving money for my kids weddings was just something my DH & I wanted to do. We made no demands on the couple & except for my dress, we had no final say in anything. Of course couples should take some consideration for the parents on both sides. But I firmly disagree that paying gives you the right to plan what you want instead of what the couple wants.

That said, I think the couple bears most of the responsibility for going along with that arrangement. I guess I just don’t understand parents who disregard their child’s desires for their own wedding. Or an adult about to get married who allows their wedding to be controlled that way.

I don’t think I was clear- I actually agree with you. If the money was given as a gift, and the couple can spend it as they seem fit, that is ideal. It’s great you did that! My parents gave us a flat amount too, and it was super appreciated. In this case, their “say” was that they had no say, we could do as we please.

If the money is given with strings, and the couple accepts… that’s on the couple. They accepted the offer, so they have to stick to the rules.

And “strings attached” could be relatively innocent. It could be something like “we’ll pay for the DJ, but we can only afford $1000.” If the couple wants something more, then they need to pay.

 

[mjkacmom]

I just looked at my wedding invitation, it says “mr. and Mrs. request the honor of your presence to the marriage of their daughter mjkacmom..” back in the day, it wasn’t just that the bride’s parents paid for the wedding, they were the actual hosts, so I think that might be why some believe they have a say. My parents paid for my wedding, came to the invitation appointment, came to the venue appointment, my mom came dress shopping, my IL’s paid for the flowers so my mom and I went with MIL to her favorite florist, my mom came with DH and I when we did our registry, my IL’s hosted the rehearsal dinner so they chose the venue and who to invite, I remember my mom saying we would have a black limo because she knew a guy and it was cheaper. My bridesmaids picked out the dresses and could do whatever they wanted with their hair. There was zero drama, but I don’t think I thought of it as my parents writing us a check, but being actual hosts. They invited friends and neighbors (who I knew also).

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I just looked at my wedding invitation, it says “mr. and Mrs. request the honor of your presence to the marriage of their daughter mjkacmom..” back in the day, it wasn’t just that the bride’s parents paid for the wedding, they were the actual hosts, so I think that might be why some believe they have a say. My parents paid for my wedding, came to the invitation appointment, came to the venue appointment, my mom came dress shopping, my IL’s paid for the flowers so my mom and I went with MIL to her favorite florist, my mom came with DH and I when we did our registry, my IL’s hosted the rehearsal dinner so they chose the venue and who to invite, I remember my mom saying we would have a black limo because she knew a guy and it was cheaper. My bridesmaids picked out the dresses and could do whatever they wanted with their hair. There was zero drama, but I don’t think I thought of it as my parents writing us a check, but being actual hosts. They invited friends and neighbors (who I knew also).

I agree but I also think just what that means has also changed.

It may have been more the norm where the parents paid, hosted AND essentially planned the whole wedding. Over time however the who pays and the host part did not necessarily denote the buck stops with them and the ultimate decisions were made by them. There's more of a blending of choices, there's also a decent amount where the parents just give a chunk of money and that's that.

FWIW I rather like that it's not so much about the parents planning the wedding. If we look at how there are those of us who are talking about the bride's family showing off well TBH weren't a lot of the weddings of the past the parents showing off to people they knew by means of planning all the wedding details? Because I'm pretty certain some of the extravagance of the past was not necessarily for the benefit of the bride and groom.

 

[amylevan]

Keep in mind the list was not made from the groom, it was made from the OP who is the groom's mother given to the couple getting married. Those are not quite the same.

But the list of 100 on the brides moms list is the same. So, you’ve got a list of 50 tier 1 and more tier 2 of the grooms mom that gets whittled down to 37 and a list of the brides mom that is at a minimum 100. You don’t see an issue there?

 

[nancipants]

And this doesn’t appear to be a factor here, but I’m on a roll, so: I hate hate HATE the notion that the bride’s family pays for the wedding, the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner. What sexist BS. My father-in-law made a comment about that, and I think it was meant as a joke, but I still burn up a bit when I think about it,

100 percent. I have been married twice, both times had small weddings, and we paid for mostly everything ourselves. I never expected my parents to pay for my wedding, even as a little kid. Our parents did offer to pay for certain items, no strings attached, so we graciously accepted. If they offered us money with stipulations, I would not have taken it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

But the list of 100 on the brides moms list is the same. So, you’ve got a list of 50 tier 1 and more tier 2 of the grooms mom that gets whittled down to 37 and a list of the brides mom that is at a minimum 100. You don’t see an issue there?

I'm thinking of it differently although I did understand from your PP where your point lied.

Mom (the OP) gives her son (the groom) a list of people, she divided it up by her tier one and her tier two. I'm sure there was thinking about who her son would most want that got included in tier one though.

However, that is not a list the groom came up with himself from guests only he would for sure want and he came up with the tier one and tier two. We don't know (and the OP may not know) if there were cuts the groom made prior to the list being settled on 37. It would seem that the groom at least calculated that from his mom's tier two list he wanted people and not people from tier one and also left out some he didn't really know much (like the kids of so and so and not sure the situation on the one cousin's brother).

I think people are focused on the tier one part but that's not the groom's tier one list. It's what his mom compiled. If the son was the sole determiner of cutting that list down would the focus still be on the bride's side tally?

I don't think any of us are in disagreement that 100 business associates doesn't really seem equitable, I can see if there's appearances and networking to have some business associates but 100 seems excessive to me.

As far as seeing an issue man I see an issue with inviting 350 people to a wedding lol. I've already said I'm not a fan of inviting people I don't know much but I think that also goes for both the bride and groom.

Moral of the story, bride and groom create your own lists

 

[amylevan]

I'm thinking of it differently although I did understand from your PP where your point lied.

Mom (the OP) gives her son (the groom) a list of people, she divided it up by her tier one and her tier two. I'm sure there was thinking about who her son would most want that got included in tier one though.

However, that is not a list the groom came up with himself from guests only he would for sure want and he came up with the tier one and tier two. We don't know (and the OP may not know) if there were cuts the groom made prior to the list being settled on 37. It would seem that the groom at least calculated that from his mom's tier two list he wanted people and not people from tier one and also left out some he didn't really know much (like the kids of so and so and not sure the situation on the one cousin's brother).

I think people are focused on the tier one part but that's not the groom's tier one list. It's what his mom compiled. If the son was the sole determiner of cutting that list down would the focus still be on the bride's side tally?

I don't think any of us are in disagreement that 100 business associates doesn't really seem equitable, I can see if there's appearances and networking to have some business associates but 100 seems excessive to me.

As far as seeing an issue man I see an issue with inviting 350 people to a wedding lol. I've already said I'm not a fan of inviting people I don't know much but I think that also goes for both the bride and groom.

Moral of the story, bride and groom create your own lists

I’m with you on the numbers. 350 is insane. The venue would need to be huge (especially considering the dance floor needs to big enough for a dance off…lol). No wonder they were eliminating table assignments, they probably don’t have enough seats for everyone to remain seated. I foresee high top standing room only areas.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I’m with you on the numbers. 350 is insane. The venue would need to be huge (especially considering the dance floor needs to big enough for a dance off…lol). No wonder they were eliminating table assignments, they probably don’t have enough seats for everyone to remain seated. I foresee high top standing room only areas.

No kidding!

Oh gosh I didn't even think of the dance floor itself even with all that talk about the dance off. You're right the venue hopefully is quite large to accommodate the people, dancing, and other things.

 

[Lilsia]

If you don't get the bride's mother to reserve seats for your 37 guests, make sure to tell your relatives/friends to get into the reception hall early so they can save 4 tables for your family. You know that the bride's mother will tell her friends and family so they aren't sitting in the cheap seats.

Or maybe the OP can make her own reserved signs and slip in and put them on the tables that she wants for her family. A bit sneaky, but she can just say after that she was concerned about the older members of her family.