Seating for wedding reception question

[mom to minnie&mickey]

I appreciate that. The issues won't be resolved, but we will still enjoy the wedding.



I think like a lot of family relationships, it's complicated. My son is not OK with all of this but he just wants to get through the wedding and move on. Here's an example, the fiancé wants to have a dance off with me and my son vs her and her dad. She's a professional dancer and has a lot of professional dancer friends that are going to the wedding. My son absolutely does not want to do this any more than I do, but he's not going to say no to her. I would be doing him a favor by refusing (because he doesn't want the drama with the mother) but I don't want to cause issues. Did I mention we are expected to take dance lessons for this performance? Ugh!

The OP is clear that her son wants no part in this dance competition and would be happy for his mother to refuse to take part as that would give him an out.
Whatever his reasons he is afraid to speak his mind and refuses to say no to crazy demands made by his future wife/in laws. Having to take dance lessons for the mother/groom dance? Really? Having his mother made to compete against a much younger, professional dancer, really? He seriously does need to find his voice and speak up when his own mother is forced into a situation by his fiancee that even he is uncomfortable participating in. He can live with his choices but his mother should not be forced to in order to keep the peace because he does not want to look like the bad guy to the in-laws.

 

[Wendy31]

To me it feels like the mother is trying to hijack my moment with my son. She can't stand that it won't be about her so she's totally trying to take over our moment. And what better way to do that than make me look foolish. Maybe I have a chip on my shoulder about it. I don't know. It just irritates me.

I think you may be the one losing the plot a little here. The OP herself never said she read anything malicious into the dance nonsense, just that she didn’t want to do it and in no way would she and her son keep up with the bride and her father. She did mention dreading being laughed at, but not in context of believing it was a set-up. Also remember that purposely “humiliating” the OP also means targeting the groom for humiliation and I think that’s pretty implausible.

If we have to read anything into it, the far more obvious assumption is that the dance is 100% all about the bride getting attention (maybe egged on by her mother). The OP is just a prop, not a target. The other family seems way too self-centred to even realize how others are being affected and they don’t care.

From what the OP said in the above quote, I do think she is feeling at least a little malicious intent from the bride’s mother regarding the dance.

As I mentioned before, weddings are hard to navigate, & feelings are often hurt, even unintentionally. And, as others have said, in the case of many weddings, the wedding ceremony & related celebrations are 2 families - with possible different cultures, traditions, beliefs, & expectations - coming together.

I also understand, when someone else is paying, you shouldn’t get or necessarily expect a lot of say in how things go. The best thing to do is just smile politely & be gracious.

However, just because someone else is paying doesn’t mean I have to “perform” for the person - especially in a deliberate set-up in which I‘m most probably going to lose & possibly even get laughed at.

As the mother of the groom, the OP should receive a little respect & even honor for her position. A dance-off is not showing her respect, not honoring her feelings, &, even worse, taking away from her what should be a special moment w/ her son.

I’m the mother of 2 boys. When they get married, I’ll shut up & wear beige & won’t make waves. That said, I’ll also be hurt if I feel like my son’s family is being pushed aside.

Yes, the bride’s family is paying for the wedding. And that’s fine. They should have the celebration they want, but NOT at the expense of the groom’s family.

That’s just rude & unkind. Being the one who pays doesn’t preclude you from being gracious & thoughtful.

I don’t care who’s paying for what - think of others & show consideration for others & their feelings.

And, again, the OP, as the groom’s mother, really isn’t in an position to complain & try to make things go her way, & she’s not doing that. But she can vent her frustrations & worries, & we can all agree w/ her that the bride’s mother is being unkind & unthoughtful.

 

[Lilsia]

I think you may be the one losing the plot a little here. The OP herself never said she read anything malicious into the dance nonsense, just that she didn’t want to do it and in no way would she and her son keep up with the bride and her father. She did mention dreading being laughed at, but not in context of believing it was a set-up. Also remember that purposely “humiliating” the OP also means targeting the groom for humiliation and I think that’s pretty implausible.

If we have to read anything into it, the far more obvious assumption is that the dance is 100% all about the bride getting attention (maybe egged on by her mother). The OP is just a prop, not a target. The other family seems way too self-centred to even realize how others are being affected and they don’t care.

In what world is having a dance off between a professional dancer and the groom and his mom anything other then trying to one up them at best, and humiliate them at worst? If they want to show off their dance skills, then they should do it in another form other then a "dance off". That very much shows that it is some kind of competition. I have seen weddings where they have some of the wedding party do a dance. But for the thought to even pop into their heads to have the mother of the groom in some kind of dance off against the professional dancer bride is whack. What kind of person even comes up with something like that knowing how imbalanced it is and that the other side would look inept against a professional. This is just mean, no way around it. This is not normal behavior.

I would sit the bride and groom down and tell them that it is not going to happen and that they should respect her wishes.

 

[penn19]

I appreciate that. The issues won't be resolved, but we will still enjoy the wedding.



I think like a lot of family relationships, it's complicated. My son is not OK with all of this but he just wants to get through the wedding and move on. Here's an example, the fiancé wants to have a dance off with me and my son vs her and her dad. She's a professional dancer and has a lot of professional dancer friends that are going to the wedding. My son absolutely does not want to do this any more than I do, but he's not going to say no to her. I would be doing him a favor by refusing (because he doesn't want the drama with the mother) but I don't want to cause issues. Did I mention we are expected to take dance lessons for this performance? Ugh!

Tell your son to run!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

In what world is having a dance off between a professional dancer and the groom and his mom anything other then trying to one up them at best, and humiliate them at worst? If they want to show off their dance skills, then they should do it in another form other then a "dance off". That very much shows that it is some kind of competition. I have seen weddings where they have some of the wedding party do a dance. But for the thought to even pop into their heads to have the mother of the groom in some kind of dance off against the professional dancer bride is whack. What kind of person even comes up with something like that knowing how imbalanced it is and that the other side would look inept against a professional. This is just mean, no way around it. This is not normal behavior.

I would sit the bride and groom down and tell them that it is not going to happen and that they should respect her wishes.

I think sometimes it's just knowing how those types of people are. In their eyes the world is much more about them than about any of us so yeah I would agree it's about showing off but intent-wise there's not enough IMO to go off of to assume they've made it so personal to the OP. If they are indeed those kinds of people they probably last minute thought "oops should probably include the groom's mom" when what they were including her in on was not the best idea given the circumstances. In all honesty, if they are those kind of people they probably don't think much about other people than just what they've got going on for themselves. Sometimes they have ill-intent and other times they literally just plumb don't think about others and no harm is ever intended.

I was telling some friends I got to thinking that it's possible these 100 business friends are ones of the father of the bride, like maybe he's gathered them through networking with golfing and is trying to keep up appearances of things he is after all still working. I guess with what info I've gotten I'm not really thinking they've considered the OP on such a personal level, there may be more of a detachment towards that when all the OP is mulling over is the possibility that this has all been done just to spite her on some level.

 

[antmaril]

To me it feels like the mother is trying to hijack my moment with my son. She can't stand that it won't be about her so she's totally trying to take over our moment. And what better way to do that than make me look foolish. Maybe I have a chip on my shoulder about it. I don't know. It just irritates me.

If you are not comfortable, DON‘T DO IT! My only child, a son, is 35 years old. I hope and pray that one day he will find his other half and we will have a wedding. But, I can tell you with absolute certainty, that I will NEVER, EVER participate in a dance off. Nope, nope, nope! You should not be expected to do this if you don’t want to.

I hope it turns out to be a happy event. It sounds very challenging to me. I would definitely reserve tables for your guests. 100%.

 

[HopperFan]

I'm kinda surprised at some of the implications that the bride and her family are the only ones that matter in making decisions. I was the mother of the bride in 2020, Dad and I paid for virtually everything having to do with the wedding. It was not inexpensive. Bride & Groom had final say on venue, on menu, on guest lists and virtually everything. They picked out everything to do with wedding party with no input from parents. They picked DJ and groom selected all the music. They created the day's schedule. They worked with photographer to insure all the shots THEY wanted. It is THEIR wedding and I was there to support, help bounce ideas, help coordinate and keep the budget in line by doing some of the work myself. I was a project manager working with vendors to bring THEIR VISION come alive. It was a wonderful day, they were thrilled. I think it is important to remember that it is both the bride & groom's day and while we all gush over brides, the groom should never ever feel left out or unimportant.

The Time Warp could be fun! Not as a mother/son dance, but in a group--fabulous! You could be in the back. Way back. No, further. Like, in another room! Everyone would want to join in (and nobody would notice if you casually went to the restroom). Do something short and slow for mother/son--really, you just want the photo-op, and a chance to tell him how handsome he looks and how proud you are.

Working on him eloping or very tiny event. After going to and being in several weddings he’s really not interested in whole affair. Honestly can't blame him, most are out of control.

 

[jrmasm]

Yes! Reserve tables for 40 people.

Our son's reception had 300 invited guests. The venue had seating but not enough for 250 plus guests.

There were high top standing only tables.

After we got there (after pictures) I was so disheartened to see my fil at a high top table instead of seated.

I asked the venue about more chairs and tables, but they were all out.

I still regret not reserving tables for grandparents on our side.

I keep coming back to this. At your son’s wedding reception the plan was not to enough seats for all the guest? Not that something went wrong and there weren’t enough seats?

If I understood correctly, that’s bizarre.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I keep coming back to this. At your son’s wedding reception the plan was not to enough seats for all the guest? Not that something went wrong and there weren’t enough seats?

If I understood correctly, that’s bizarre.

We just went to a dessert party at Epcot and they only had X number of tables with chairs, other tables were high tops. It was a bought out private event as well.

There are places that do that where there's a mixture of low tables with chairs and high top tables and it's by design.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

I keep coming back to this. At your son’s wedding reception the plan was not to enough seats for all the guest? Not that something went wrong and there weren’t enough seats?

If I understood correctly, that’s bizarre.

I couldn't possibly agree more. How do you have a wedding without enough seating for every one (question not directed at you as I realize you weren't the person who did this)?

I'm already annoyed when there isn't enough seating during cocktail hour (yes I'm from tri-state area where this is a huge thing with more food than many have at their wedding receptions). If I didn't have a seat for dinner I would literally turn around and take my envelope with me to use those funds to cover a nice dinner for me and my husband. Standing room at high top tables? I'm not at a club. I'm in heels at a wedding for a four hour reception generally. How totally inconsiderate. If your venue doesn't accomodate the guest list appropriately or you can't afford to properly host the guest list then cut it shorter.

ETA: Just wanted to be clear that this has nothing to do with the original poster or the original question.

 

[Tuffcookie]

I think it comes down to my son feeling like he doesn't have a say because he is not paying for the wedding. So it's all being done by the bride and her mother. At one point early on, my husband told my son and his fiancé that it didn't matter what either of the parents want. That the wedding needs to be about the two of them only. The fiancé told her mother this and she got very very offended. I'm not sure what's so controversial about that but she is adamant that if she pays, she decides. This is her wedding as much as her daughter's. And to be truly honest with everyone, I see the mother's point. If my son cares about the wedding, he should pay for it himself. I'm not one that would ever give money with those expectations.

And with that, we will show up and enjoy ourselves even if we are stuck in the very back I will take the dumb dance lessons and participate in a dance off even though it should be 2 minutes of the wedding that is about my son and me.

OP, I’ve never met you but my hat is off to you! Let the bride’s family pay for the whole thing. After the wedding, when you are back at home, you will be able to relax and not worry about working 2 more years to pay for this circus!

TC

 

[Travel60]

OMG can your son get out of this marriage? This is just a peek at what the rest of his life will be like. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter....with in-laws of course. Summer vacations....ditto. Grandkids...just ask for the occasional photo. Son will be expected to work (like daddy) to give princess everything she wants.

Definitely reserved tables in a loose grouping in front corner of room.

Learn this phrase..."That's not going to happen."

Once again, I'm thanking God for the best DIL, SIL and their families that I can imagine.

 

[focusondisney]

I'm kinda surprised at some of the implications that the bride and her family are the only ones that matter in making decisions. I was the mother of the bride in 2020, Dad and I paid for virtually everything having to do with the wedding. It was not inexpensive. Bride & Groom had final say on venue, on menu, on guest lists and virtually everything. They picked out everything to do with wedding party with no input from parents. They picked DJ and groom selected all the music. They created the day's schedule. They worked with photographer to insure all the shots THEY wanted. It is THEIR wedding and I was there to support, help bounce ideas, help coordinate and keep the budget in line by doing some of the work myself. I was a project manager working with vendors to bring THEIR VISION come alive. It was a wonderful day, they were thrilled. I think it is important to remember that it is both the bride & groom's day and while we all gush over brides, the groom should never ever feel left out or unimportant.

Exactly how our kids weddings were handled. We paid for DD’s wedding, the in-laws did the rehearsal dinner. For our DS, we hosted the rehearsal dinner & gave a set amount towards the wedding. DDIL’s parents paid for the majority. As a matter of fact, I have no idea what the wedding cost. But in both cases, the couple made all the decisions. All the parents supported them in making their wedding what they wanted it to be. It sounds like this is what the OP’s husband tried to have happen too.

I totally disagree with the idea that whoever pays gets to make the decisions. And good hosts make sure all their guests are comfortable & welcomed. Not embarrassed & belittled.

 

[mom2rtk]

OP, the bride's family might be paying for the event. But you only get ONE chance at a meaningful mother/son dance at his wedding. If you want a nice slow waltz, then I'd insist on that. I wouldn't budge on it at all. Defer on anything else you want, but you only get one shot at some of these things. Maybe it's time to show him how to push back in a polite and respectful way. Sounds like a skill he'll be needing down the line.

 

[evilmommie]

Yes! Reserve tables for 40 people.

Our son's reception had 300 invited guests. The venue had seating but not enough for 250 plus guests.

There were high top standing only tables.

After we got there (after pictures) I was so disheartened to see my fil at a high top table instead of seated.

I asked the venue about more chairs and tables, but they were all out.

I still regret not reserving tables for grandparents on our side.

THIS!
I’ve seen this happen at a few weddings.

Absolutely reserve your sides tables.

 

[kymom99]

Exactly how our kids weddings were handled. We paid for DD’s wedding, the in-laws did the rehearsal dinner. For our DS, we hosted the rehearsal dinner & gave a set amount towards the wedding. DDIL’s parents paid for the majority. As a matter of fact, I have no idea what the wedding cost. But in both cases, the couple made all the decisions. All the parents supported them in making their wedding what they wanted it to be. It sounds like this is what the OP’s husband tried to have happen too.

I totally disagree with the idea that whoever pays gets to make the decisions. And good hosts make sure all their guests are comfortable & welcomed. Not embarrassed & belittled.

Agreed. My niece married recently. My brother and his wife paid for a very nice wedding but made sure the grooms family was taken care of in every way. That is true class.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I totally disagree with the idea that whoever pays gets to make the decisions.

I do too (although I think if the couple is paying for it themselves that changes the dynamic) but you'd be surprised how often the sentiment gets expressed on these wedding threads about who pays should get to have the most say. And intriguingly enough that sentiment changes..depending on whom it is, as in who the OP is and the relationship they have to who is getting married and then the details about the other family of the wedding couple.

I know I've read of threads in the past where if the OP is the one chipping in the lion share suddenly posters left and right are like "how dare the other family try and call the shots, you're paying for it after all" or if it's the couple themselves who is trying to do this and that but the parents area paying how posters declare "well if they want it that way they should pony up the cash themselves and pay for it". Oftentimes there's somebody who talks about how kids these days are so entitled and lazy and don't want to pay for anything relying on their parents, etc.

 

[Skywalker]

It is not about "getting her way". Have you read what the OP has written? I don't see what the OP wants as causing drama or unreasonable at all. Making sure that your family has a place to sit together and not doing some dance off, meant to humiliate her, are not unreasonable. And the only person causing drama for these very legitimate concerns, is the bride's family. What exactly about those 2 request are even close to "getting your way"? These are completely normal wedding situations. And I don't agree with the whole, "I am paying for it so I am the only one to get an opinion". If you are gifting your child money for their wedding, that does not mean that you get to decide everything, it is a gift. Do you give someone money for their birthday and then tell them what they should spend it on? And why should there be drama over these two things? Why is the bride's family causing the drama? And yet you are telling the OP to "not cause drama". The drama is on the bride's side, not the OP. She has every right to want to have family sit together and every right to not do a dance off. Standing up for yourself and your family is not causing drama.

If the bride is a dancer, she might just legitimately think this would be fun and awesome. Thinking she is taking this moment out of her day to humiliate her groom and future mother in law is bizarre?

As an introvert who is surrounded by extroverts, I can confidently say that some things that people just take for granted as being fun and awesome, are literal hell for others. They don't understand that though, because they tend to assume that everyone is like them.

For the record, not in 10 million years would I participate in this dance off, but I think the OP can use her adult words and say "no", without making it some big personal attack. Going on the war path that this was "meant to humiliate" the OP.... sorry but that is some next-level pot-stirring.

 

[Skywalker]

It is not about "getting her way". Have you read what the OP has written? I don't see what the OP wants as causing drama or unreasonable at all. Making sure that your family has a place to sit together and not doing some dance off, meant to humiliate her, are not unreasonable. And the only person causing drama for these very legitimate concerns, is the bride's family. What exactly about those 2 request are even close to "getting your way"? These are completely normal wedding situations. And I don't agree with the whole, "I am paying for it so I am the only one to get an opinion". If you are gifting your child money for their wedding, that does not mean that you get to decide everything, it is a gift. Do you give someone money for their birthday and then tell them what they should spend it on? And why should there be drama over these two things? Why is the bride's family causing the drama? And yet you are telling the OP to "not cause drama". The drama is on the bride's side, not the OP. She has every right to want to have family sit together and every right to not do a dance off. Standing up for yourself and your family is not causing drama.

Sorry, don't mean to quote you twice but also wanted to comment on the bolded, you are saying that the OP is requesting to make sure her family sits together, and the bride's family should honour this request? Actually it was the bride's family that is asking OP give her input, OP says , "I've been asked if we want to do a seating arrangement for just our side or let it be open seating." So again, not sure what kind of projection is going on here, the bride's family ASKED for the groom's family's input on the seating. Not sure how that becomes the OP kissing the bride's shoes or something lol.

 

[Lilsia]

If the bride is a dancer, she might just legitimately think this would be fun and awesome. Thinking she is taking this moment out of her day to humiliate her groom and future mother in law is bizarre?

As an introvert who is surrounded by extroverts, I can confidently say that some things that people just take for granted as being fun and awesome, are literal hell for others. They don't understand that though, because they tend to assume that everyone is like them.

For the record, not in 10 million years would I participate in this dance off, but I think the OP can use her adult words and say "no", without making it some big personal attack. Going on the war path that this was "meant to humiliate" the OP.... sorry but that is some next-level pot-stirring.

Come on, telling your future MIL to take dance lessons for a dance off, when you are a professional dancer is not suggested to make the MIL look good at all. Anybody that has any sense at all would know that this is going to put the MIL in a bad light. And yes, I know that there are plenty of people out there that would do subtle things like this, in the name of "fun", just to humiliate others. If that is not the case here, then the bride would have immediately taken no for an answer, especially since the groom does not want to do it either. And the OP also stated that she felt that if the tables were assigned, that they would be put in the back of the room. The OP has also stated that there is more going on that she is not telling us. Why would she come here to vent if the bride's family is being just so wonderful? Did you miss the snub about only being able to have 10% of the guest list?