School situation

[RitaZ.]

My DS is in 4th grade. There is a special needs child in his class. Since the start of the school year, DS has been telling me about the little boy and his behavior. There was an incident in the classroom where the teacher had to use the severe behavior code. There was one instance where the little boy threw his books and papers all over the floor. DS decided to get up and help him to clean up the mess, despite some classmates telling DS not to help him. The boy seems to gravitate toward DS.

Last week, the little boy was left behind in the playground after recess. When they returned to class, DS asked where the boy was and the teacher realized that he wasn't with the class. She sent two other students to look for him in the playground area, sure enough he was there. I know that the teachers have to be there to supervise their class during recess. Apparently the teacher rings a bell when recess is over and the boy didn't hear it. Since this happened, the teacher assigned DS to be the boy's "buddy" and is to "keep an eye on him during recess".

Friday, when the teacher rang the bell, DS told the boy it was time to go, but he didn't comply. Today, DS comes home and tells me that today "he felt like the boy's parent" (his exact words), telling him what to do and he didn't get to play at all during recess. He also told me, which bothers me the most, that his classmates are starting to avoid him because the little boy follows him around. When I talked to him about this, he said that he is ok with having just one friend.

The boy has an aide assigned just for him during class, but she doesn't go to the playground with him. At first, I found no problem with the arrangement. DS is the type of kid that takes "jobs" very seriously. If something were to happen to this little boy, I know DS will take it very personally thinking that he is responsible for his safety.

I'm going to talk to his teacher about this and DS's concerns. His teacher is not "the easy to approach" kind, but she likes DS. I have raised my children to be compassionate and tolerant of any person with different needs. I'm concerned that DS is taking this "buddy job" too seriously and I don't want his 15 minute recess to be about keeping an eye on another child. It shouldn't be his responsibility, his aide should be there for this.

I want to do this as tactfully as I can, I don't want the teacher to end up disliking DS. Opinions on what to say to the teacher.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

What is this child's disability, do you know?

 

[jennyl772003]

I know my son has been assigned a "buddy" in class before (he's visually impaired) to help him get around. His buddies have always been the little mothering type kids, though. Nobody was ever forced into it. If your DS is having problems, I would definatly talk to his teacher. This boy might need to have his IEP re opened to have the aide stay with him at recess.

 

[DawnCt1]

I would tell the teacher that you are indeed flattered that she recognizes the compassionate, generous qualities in your son but that he is the type of child that will subordinate his own needs for play, socialization, etc to others and that the "responsibility" if it must fall upon the students, needs to be shared so that your son's role is limited to "x" times per week, month, or whatever you deem appropriate. It's easy for a teacher or anyone to burden the most cooperative, compliant kid but its hardly fair to your son, nor is it fair to the other kids who are shunning your son not to have a "turn".

 

[Talking Hands]

Your son should not be responsible for this child. Being a buddy and being responsible for making sure the child knows it is time to come back to the classroom are two different things. Asking a child to be a buddy is fine but the teacher should be responsible for making sure the child comes back with the class. If he can't hear the bell then she needs to find another method to alert him to the fact it is time to line up.
This 15 minutes playground time may be the paraprofessional's break time or part of her lunch time and that is why she is not there. Or if it is a deaf child, it may not be a paraprofessional at all, but the child's interpreter, and supervising playtime is not her responsibility.
I would let the teacher know that your son is feeling responsible for this boy, that the relationship is disrupting his relationships with other students and that you would like her to find another solution to making sure the child returns from play with the class. It is her responsibility to make sure she has accounted for all students when ever the class moves from one area to another.

 

[RitaZ.]

What is this child's disability, do you know?

I don't know, but it's not visible. The teacher just told the class that the little boy is a special kid and is different from them. DS's friend told him that the little boy is autistic, but I don't know that to be a fact.

When I first asked DS if the aide accompanied the little boy to recess, he said, "No, sadly" (his exact words). She stays in the classroom grading papers.

 

[Talking Hands]

What the heck! If she is a 1 to 1 paraprofessional for the child then she should not be grading papers for the teacher. If there is time and her student is occupied with work perhaps but her prime assignment is to the child and keeping him on task. That's just wrong.

 

[RitaZ.]

Talking hands, I shouldn't have said "couldn't hear", I should have said "didn't hear". Maybe he wasn't paying attention or just didn't want to comply. He isn't hearing impaired though.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well...that is not right. It sounds as if your son is in over his head and you need to step it up mom.

Since you think this is a "iffy" thing to discuss I recommend having the principal or counselor or both present while you discuss the matter.

This needs to be FIXED...not only for your son but the boy as well.

 

[Sparx]

Talk to the teacher, you son shouldn't be responsible for that child. He sould have an aide or the teacher should help him. Blow a whistle or something, your son shouldn't have to do that.

 

[Disney Doll]

While it is very nice that your DS is such a nice, compassionate child, it should not be his responsibility to look after this other child.

 

[RitaZ.]

Dawn, good suggestions.

M. Machine~ I know the guidance counselor, I thought about talking to her about this to get her input.

I'm going to stop by the school tomorrow.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It is not appropriate for a child to be assigned to feel responsible for another child. While the idea of a 'buddy' system is well intentioned, in this case, the other boy is a special needs child who clearly needs ADULT supervision.

I do not care that this might be the 'aides' break.... These children are not out on the playground alone, and it is the responsibility of the teacher(s) to supervise these children and to make sure that every single one of them returns to the classroom.

It was a grave error to leave this special needs child behind.

I was a second grave error to put another child in the position of being responsible.

DawnCt's language and wording were WONDERFUL!!! And, I think that you could take some example from this!!

However, I would omit any comments that would convey my approval that my son, or any other child, be made to be responsible as a 'buddy at any time!!!! This is a special needs child with some behavioral issues, and I would very strongly disagree with the idea that "The responsibility, if it must fall upon the students......"

This is a responsibility that should NEVER fall apon another child.

To the OP:

I think I would come up with a memo, addressed to the teacher, with a CC to the principal. Starting off with DawnCts ideas would be good.... I would be very careful with my wording... I would not want to offend anyone... But be very blunt and very clear that you do not feel that your child should be burdoned with being another childs 'Buddy'. That your child should be able to focus on learning in the classroom... And unwinding during recess.... Be frank about how you see this situation affecting your child.

I would then find a time, or schedule a time, to talk to the teacher. And simply present her with the memo. It will be obvious that she must correct this situation, or you will not hesitate to pursue this with the Principal.

Boy, I HATE school issues!!!!

Hope it all works out well for you and your DS

 

[RitaZ.]

. I would be very careful with my wording...

That's exactly why I posted, I want to handle it with tact.

You know, if the situation was reversed and my son was the one with special needs, I would be livid that this was allowed to happen. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if the boy's parents don't know anything about him getting left behind. Schools aren't exactly forthcoming about these things.

 

[Kermit]

I think you're being very wise to think about your wording ahead of time.

I've found that when you have to bring up an uncomfortable or touchy topic, it's best to just start out by saying you feel uncomfortable when start the conversation. You could say something like, "I've worried about how to bring this up, because I don't want it to sound like a complaint against you, but there's something concerning me about DS. I'm sure you didn't know when you asked him to be So-and-so's buddy that he would take the job so seriously, but he does take those kinds of requests very seriously, and I'm worried about the effect it might have on him."

In the teacher's defense, she may very well have only intended that your DS be the boy's buddy in that when recess is over, he make sure that the boy comes along. She probably didn't think he'd make it a full-time job. (Actually, that's a little short-sighted of her, since that's a very normal reacation for a child that age, but we all make mistakes like that.) Anyway, I think if you make it clear from the outset that you're not criticizing her, it should be fine. If you're still worried, you could even write a letter or send an email and mention that you chose to do it in writing specifically so that you could choose your words carefully so that you don't unintentionally hurt her feelings.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

not fair to your child or this particular boy.
He needs a trained adult to be responsible for him.

I don't think it will take much more than you presenting yourself in front of the teacher and saying you don't like this idea and you have used your parental authority to officially release him from all his playground babysitting duties.

They are cutting corners and they know it. I really hope it doesn't return to bite them in the butt.

 

[goofy!]

.....

 

[RitaZ.]

This little boy needs more than a "buddy" can give him. He was assigned his own aide for specific reasons, she needs to be there for him during recess. If he doesn't comply when the teacher, the authority figure, rings the bell to signal that recess is over, why would he comply for a classmate? Why place that burden on a child? There are several things wrong here...

Anyway, lots of good suggestions here! Thank you all! I plan to address this tomorrow.

 

[Tinkbell]

I don't think your son should be responsible for this boy coming back into class. It's great that he looks out for him and plays with him, but when the bell rings, it's the teacher's job to see that this child comes back in. If the teacher supervises the recess, this shouldn't be a problem.