Sahm

[mumom95]

I think in most situations, the SAHM decision was made TOGETHER and the back to work decision is made TOGETHER. Me staying home was a luxury for BOTH of us. Me continuing to work around family commitments is a luxury for BOTH of us. I fully admit it's a luxury to have that option. However, my DH also admits it's a luxury. He loves coming home to a clean house and minimal household responsibilities and sees clearly how his role changes the times I'm working full time.

In missipie's situation, it's not a joint decision and it sounds like she doesn't have the luxury of coming home to a well managed household.

Yep, it's nice for one spouse not to have to work - but when people make that decision together, they do it to benefit BOTH spouses.

Very well said.

 

[LovableGluttons]

My husband comes from a family where the woman stays home after marriage. It is the woman's responsibility to maintain the home and raise the children. These are not wealthy people. Once the children have flown the coop, the woman usually continues to care for the home until her grandchildren are born.

Eventually her husband retires, then passes away.

Since she was not paying into Social Security, her retirement check from jet husband's death is too miniscule to support her. So she either has to get a job or move in with family.

I have been married for 22 years. I was a senior in college, majoring in nursing, when DH asked me to marry him. I worked three jobs to get through college.

I loved my husband very much, but I refused to let all that hard work just fade aaway
So I worked. We were married for eight years before we started having children. I was on bedrest for each pregnancy. Staying at home all day made me miserable.

I worked nights while DH worked days for the first 15 years of our marriage. Since the kids were now older, I went to days.

For DH and I, we wanted to build wealth. When and if we choose to retire, the money from Social Security won't be needed for survival.

Neither of us will have to give up our independence when the other dies.

Obviously the role of the woman is devalued on my husband's side of the family. If either of my kids choose to be a SAHP after they marry, I worry about many of the very things discussed in this thread. My hope is that they make the choice that is both right for any children they have, but also offers them the security they really need.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

My husband comes from a family where the woman stays home after marriage. It is the woman's responsibility to maintain the home and raise the children. These are not wealthy people. Once the children have flown the coop, the woman usually continues to care for the home until her grandchildren are born.

Eventually her husband retires, then passes away.

Since she was not paying into Social Security, her retirement check from jet husband's death is too miniscule to support her. So she either has to get a job or move in with family.

I have been married for 22 years. I was a senior in college, majoring in nursing, when DH asked me to marry him. I worked three jobs to get through college.

I loved my husband very much, but I refused to let all that hard work just fade aaway
So I worked. We were married for eight years before we started having children. I was on bedrest for each pregnancy. Staying at home all day made me miserable.

I worked nights while DH worked days for the first 15 years of our marriage. Since the kids were now older, I went to days.

For DH and I, we wanted to build wealth. When and if we choose to retire, the money from Social Security won't be needed for survival.

Neither of us will have to give up our independence when the other dies.

Obviously the role of the woman is devalued on my husband's side of the family. If either of my kids choose to be a SAHP after they marry, I worry about many of the very things discussed in this thread. My hope is that they make the choice that is both right for any children they have, but also offers them the security they really need.

Wow I basically feel the same way. I could easily stay home with my kids if I wanted to. DH has a good paying job and I work for the "extras".

My kids are in school full-time now but other than the first 3 years my son was born I've always worked at least 1 day a week.,

I seen way too many woman in their 20's , 30's and some 40's going back to school who were previously stay at home moms that were dealt a curve ball they weren't prepared for and now "had" to return to school for an income to survive.

Though for being an RN I have a really good job, no weekends, holidays and steady daylight. The surgery we perform where I work is all elective so around the holidays , my hours go down significantly. Its good because I am home with the kids , but its nice to go back to work too.

I don't look down on SAHP, my bosses DH stays home with her kids. I just know myself that in this day and age and economy I have better piece of mind knowing if something unexpectantly happens to DH or his job , I can be the breadwinner if I need to. I know you can't go through life with what ifs. but for me personally , its better piece of mind for me to at least work part-time to keep up my skills and be "marketable" in the work place.

 

[Colleen27]

Obviously the role of the woman is devalued on my husband's side of the family. If either of my kids choose to be a SAHP after they marry, I worry about many of the very things discussed in this thread. My hope is that they make the choice that is both right for any children they have, but also offers them the security they really need.

It does sound like they devalue the role of the women in their lives, not because of the expectation that they'll stay home but because of the lack of steps taken to protect them in that choice. Of course divorce is always a wild card and hard if not impossible for a SAHP to prepare for, but the situation you described is pretty easily avoided with the right financial planning.

 

[disykat]

To preface this post, I'll say I'm laughing, not angry. (in case it comes across wrong.)

Seriously? Comparing being home on bedrest and being bored to being a SAHM? I'm hoping that just came out wrong!

I understand the rest of the post, being worried about finances, wanting to continue a career, etc. There are lots of good reasons to want to continue working. But not wanting to be a SAHM because you didn't enjoy bedrest?

 

[Magpie]

It does sound like they devalue the role of the women in their lives, not because of the expectation that they'll stay home but because of the lack of steps taken to protect them in that choice. Of course divorce is always a wild card and hard if not impossible for a SAHP to prepare for, but the situation you described is pretty easily avoided with the right financial planning.

We've done some very careful financial planning around me being a SAHM. My husband jokes sometimes that he's worth more to me dead than alive! We've got a plan, and I know I'm provided for in the unhappy event that he predeceases me.

 

[Colleen27]

We've done some very careful financial planning around me being a SAHM. My husband jokes sometimes that he's worth more to me dead than alive! We've got a plan, and I know I'm provided for in the unhappy event that he predeceases me.

Us too, because he will almost certainly predecease me - he's 9 years older than I am and a smoker to boot, men in his family mostly live to their late 60s/early 70s, barring accidental death women in my family live into their 90s. It is just one of those hard realities that we have to deal with. So a lot of our planning has to do with making sure I don't suffer or become a burden on the kids after he passes.

And we joke that DH is worth more dead than alive too, especially these last two years with business slow and him hanging around the house disrupting my routines more than I'd like!

 

[disykat]

We've done some very careful financial planning around me being a SAHM. My husband jokes sometimes that he's worth more to me dead than alive! We've got a plan, and I know I'm provided for in the unhappy event that he predeceases me.

Us too. I also have my own retirement plan, though it's admittedly considerably smaller than DH's. It's comprised of my retirement that I withdrew and rolled over into a ROTH IRA when I initially stopped working and contributions we have continued to make to it. Our goal was to keep enough going into it so that I would have the possiblity of "buying back my years" when/if I went back to work or we'd have it as supplemental income if I didn't.

 

[kacaju]

Us too, because he will almost certainly predecease me - he's 9 years older than I am and a smoker to boot, men in his family mostly live to their late 60s/early 70s, barring accidental death women in my family live into their 90s. It is just one of those hard realities that we have to deal with. So a lot of our planning has to do with making sure I don't suffer or become a burden on the kids after he passes.

And we joke that DH is worth more dead than alive too, especially these last two years with business slow and him hanging around the house disrupting my routines more than I'd like!

Us too.. dh is 7 years older then me and same here, men in his family do not live much beyond their 70's while the woman in my family live forever!!

DH always jokes with me that I should hope he dies on a business trip since I will get extra money from his company if that happens! LOL!!

 

[tink20]

Us too.. dh is 7 years older then me and same here, men in his family do not live much beyond their 70's while the woman in my family live forever!!

DH always jokes with me that I should hope he dies on a business trip since I will get extra money from his company if that happens! LOL!!

Oh my gosh, me too. DH is 7 years older than me. He jokes too, that he is worth more to me dead, and says if he dies at home, to drag him to the fire station and I'll get more money. I feel sorry for him though, if I go first, all he gets is all of my chores! LOL!

 

[mjkacmom]

My husband comes from a family where the woman stays home after marriage. It is the woman's responsibility to maintain the home and raise the children. These are not wealthy people. Once the children have flown the coop, the woman usually continues to care for the home until her grandchildren are born.

Eventually her husband retires, then passes away.

Since she was not paying into Social Security, her retirement check from jet husband's death is too miniscule to support her. So she either has to get a job or move in with family.
.

Anyone who relies on social security for retirement is crazy! My mom didn't work, but they saved and invested enough money over the years to retire very comfortably.

 

[elizke]

Joining the club here. Had to "work" for 9 years, medically speaking, to have my first child 14 years ago, so I couldn't see, after all the effort, sending him off to someone else every day while I went back to work. So DH and I decided I would stay home, even though it HAS been a sacrifice financially.

I wouldn't say I'm the best SAHM, but I think I've been of some value here. I think the family has been spared a lot of the stress involved in two income families, where there has to be far more "negotiation" regarding household duties and the children's doc appts. or school events. DH has been able to get a lot further in his career than he would have with split priorities. I don't necessarily make a nice dinner every night, but enough so that the kids think Kraft Mac and Cheese is a treat. My house is not the perfectly clean SAHM ideal, cause I still hate housecleaning. But it's walkable, doesn't smell, and I never leave dishes overnight.

DH was laid off last year, and it was very scary, there being only one income. He worked pretty much full time at finding a new job, but meanwhile I thought it might be time for me to look too. I felt as many of you do, underskilled and like no one would want me. But I actually did get an offer at a FED EX store. Not exactly a super high paying top job, but not totally without future possibilities. My volunteer work in the at home years actually had helped me a lot in the interview (3 years doing the school yearbook, PTO secretary, school newsletter, etc.). So when she asked me to name something I would call creative in the past year I was able to say I put an online yearbook together for a school of 500+ and wrote a monthly online newsletter complete with writing, gathering, and adding graphics to articles.

But then DH got an offer, and it requires A LOT of hours and total flexibility. We tried to figure how to work my part time job in, with the hours they wanted me to work, and neither one of us are ready for DS14 (with Asperger's) and DD11 to be home alone for hours after school. They would also have to give up most any activity, unless I start mooching off of other SAHM's time. So, I am continuing to stay home for now. I earn little bits of money from working parents who need someone to take their kids to school in the morning or pick them up, and from helping the home daycare down the street.

I do still want to plan for the future, and obsessively think about what the heck I want to do when I grow up.

It's helpful to read other's similar experiences so thanks for this thread OP and contributors.

 

[DawnM]

I am currently a SAHM. I have stayed home for the past 5 years.

My kids are 12, 10, and 6.

I worked for 16 years as a high school teacher and school counselor and quit when we moved to NC. I now stay at home and homeschool. Eventually I will go back to work, but now is not the time.

Dawn

 

[C.Ann]

My mom didn't work, but they saved and invested enough money over the years to retire very comfortably.

This is how it was with my parents.. On my dad's side of the family in particular, it would have been an insult for your wife to have to work.. My dad was a steamfitter (not professional exec type situation), but through hard work, his stand on always paying cash for everything (never had a mortgage on any of their homes or a car/boat/truck/fifth-wheel travel trailer payment - no credit cards ever) and the fact that he could do virtually anything on his own (build their homes; maintain their cars; fix appliances; etc.), he was able to leave my mom very, very well off when he passed away.. (As did all of his brothers with their wives - only one living brother left..)

My mom - and all of these other wives - were very, very fulfilled in their positions as SAHM's - and managed to keep busy enough that boredom was never, ever an issue..

 

[m&m's mom]

I never even remotely considered not having a career. When I met my DH we both knew I was not going to "stay home".
I consider myself the most blessed ever. I have my "corporate world" job that I love. DH has always worked from home and now I "homeshore" so I work from home as well. Basically our kids have had both parents at home 24/7 almost their whole lives. Can't get away w/ anything here.
Both girls went to a close by daycare for 2 years each before my Mom started keeping them. Best of everything to us!!

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

I still haven't decided if I'm going to be a SAHM. My husband says it's up to me. I'm a K teacher and I love my job but I just don't know, maybe I should be home taking care of my children instead of putting them in daycare. I'm thinking when I have a baby I'm not going to want to leave it, so I'll probably be a SAHM. It's a tough decision. I see other SAHMs in my circle of officer's wives and they wouldn't have it any other way since being an OW is a job in itself. Well I don't have to worry about that yet since I'm not even pregnant yet (but hoping to be in a few weeks!!!!).

 

[mhsjax]

My husband comes from a family where the woman stays home after marriage. It is the woman's responsibility to maintain the home and raise the children. These are not wealthy people. Once the children have flown the coop, the woman usually continues to care for the home until her grandchildren are born.

Eventually her husband retires, then passes away.

Since she was not paying into Social Security, her retirement check from jet husband's death is too miniscule to support her. So she either has to get a job or move in with family.

I have been married for 22 years. I was a senior in college, majoring in nursing, when DH asked me to marry him. I worked three jobs to get through college.

I loved my husband very much, but I refused to let all that hard work just fade aaway
So I worked. We were married for eight years before we started having children. I was on bedrest for each pregnancy. Staying at home all day made me miserable.

I worked nights while DH worked days for the first 15 years of our marriage. Since the kids were now older, I went to days.

For DH and I, we wanted to build wealth. When and if we choose to retire, the money from Social Security won't be needed for survival.

Neither of us will have to give up our independence when the other dies.

Obviously the role of the woman is devalued on my husband's side of the family. If either of my kids choose to be a SAHP after they marry, I worry about many of the very things discussed in this thread. My hope is that they make the choice that is both right for any children they have, but also offers them the security they really need.

Your DH's family isn't very responsible in regards to the wife and they are devalued in the fact that they aren't taken care of financially. A responsible husband provides ample life insurance and financial planning.

I can guarantee you that I will never have to give up my independence if DH goes before me, in fact I am better off financially if he did pass away.

 

[mariolatry]

We've done some very careful financial planning around me being a SAHM. My husband jokes sometimes that he's worth more to me dead than alive! We've got a plan, and I know I'm provided for in the unhappy event that he predeceases me.

My husband says the same thing! We have lots and lots of life insurance and disability insurance, plus retirement and college savings.

I was an occupational therapist up until DD 5 was born. My husband was finishing his medical training and I didn't feel comfortable leaving my baby with someone other than Grandma (who was two states away at that point) so I quit work to stay home. It was really hard and we ended up incurring credit card debt for living expenses (mainly traveling home for holidays and emergency car maintenance). After DD3 was born, I briefly considered going back to work but figured out I would make only about $100/week after taxes and expenses and I just couldn't justify it. I was a competent mother to infants/toddlers but discovered that I didn't enjoy the whole "baby thing" as much as I had expected I would.

Now DH's training is done and we're making a lot more money, so the breathing is a bit easier. Mothering is so much fun now that the girls are a bit older. It's all about learning and fun experiences, not just butt-wiping and Goldfish crackers. I'm so glad that I didn't go back to work. I would've missed out on all of this fun. DH likes having me at home too, as he works 6-7 days per week and enjoys having a household manager who keeps everything running.

I'm at least 3 years away from returning to work. My younger DD would have to be in first grade. We have no family or friends here so every sick day, dentist appointment, snow day, parent-teacher conference, and service appointment is my responsibility. I would have to have a pretty flexible schedule. I also believe that kids continue to need you for a long time so I think I would only want to do part-time.

I don't know. I wonder about it a lot but I don't really have a burning desire to return to work. Mostly I think it's a recipe for my kids to start running amok, and for me to be all stressed out.

 

[castleview]

I still haven't decided if I'm going to be a SAHM. My husband says it's up to me. I'm a K teacher and I love my job but I just don't know, maybe I should be home taking care of my children instead of putting them in daycare. I'm thinking when I have a baby I'm not going to want to leave it, so I'll probably be a SAHM. It's a tough decision. I see other SAHMs in my circle of officer's wives (I live on a military base) and they say they wouldn't have it any other way since being an OW is a job in itself. Well I don't have to worry about that yet since I'm not even pregnant yet (but hoping to be in a few weeks!!!!).

You'll just know. Do what you feel is right. I'm a stay at home mom and think teachers have a tough decision to make because they could have the best of both worlds as the kids get older. Good luck in the pregnancy quest!

 

[kacaju]

My younger DD would have to be in first grade. We have no family or friends here so every sick day, dentist appointment, snow day, parent-teacher conference, and service appointment is my responsibility. I would have to have a pretty flexible schedule. I also believe that kids continue to need you for a long time so I think I would only want to do part-time.

Food for thought. If you go back when your youngest is in 1st grade (which is what a lot of Mom's say they will do) you still have to be home for them if they are sick, have a snow day etc...

Everyone has to do what is best for you and your family. For me, I didn't go back to work until my youngest was 10 in 4th grade. This way if she was home due to a minor illness (pink eye, strep, slight fever) she COULD stay home by herself for the 4 hours I worked Major illness high fever, vomitting etc.. I still stay home with them regardless of age.