SAHM Vent

[Mkrop]

So it's evident from the last few stories why one person staying home and running the household works for some families. We could hear stories from working moms of how working and shared duties work equally well for their families. And that's what most of us are saying - whatever works for your family. I just don't understand the need for put downs on either side. And just to go back to the carpooling issue, I had to chuckle at the thought of it as far as my driving goes, remembering practically a whole baseball team leaving the high school for their first practice and trying to cram everyone and everything into my car. The crossing guard was doing one of these. I believe I had to make two or three trips that day, and I didn't mind a bit. My DS plays on several teams yearly and virtually ALL of us ride share from time to time. My DH and I, between the two of us, were able to do most, but rarely DS had to catch a ride with someone else, and vice versa. If I knew I was available and had extra room, I'd often put an offer out if anyone needed a ride. This spring I even got talked into making side trips to McD's some days so the ravenous boys could get a Chicken sandwich off the dollar menu and it was great to hear them laughing and having a good time together. Sometimes after summer games, families stopped together for a bite to eat, and if any happened to have an extra kid along, it was no big deal, because "it all evens out in the end". On occasion, we treated kids, and on others, they treated ours. Now DS can drive himself so I'll cherish those memories for a long time to come. So IME I just really don't see this lopsidedness that is sometimes portrayed.

And same with having friends over. Being the "go to" house also isn't mutually exclusive to any one group. Yesterday we had a houseful of kids swimming and playing whiffle ball here, as we do many days. During the winter we are also one of the "go to" houses. Again, if I'm not here, DH generally is, as he was yesterday. He grilled food for them and the house was neat when I got home. Everyone was happy.

Hey quote thing worked this time....

So I agree with the bolded, do what works for your family and back to the original topic, dont be rude and ask SAHMs what they do all day...THEY ARE DOING WHAT WORKS FOR THEIR FAMILY AT THAT GIVEN TIME.

 

[daughtersrus]

Why do you wonder? AS long as her choice worked for her family, I cannot see why you would care. My children are 35,37,and 39. I have one granddaughter who I have at my home as much as possible, and I just took a small part time job. My husband would cut his right arm off if I was still home, and would not appreciate it at all if his sisters wondered what I did with all of my time He will never ask me to quit to be home again, but he really found life a heck of a lot easier when my time was not divided between work and home, and has made it clear that he would not mind if I decided that I wanted to go back to having meals ready when he stepped foot in the door, every stitch of clothing ironed, the house cleaned on a daily basis rather than weekly, the floors polished, all of the exterior trip bleached and the screens washed several times in the summer, home made goodies every day, the house decorated for every Holiday and change in season..... you know all the little things I did all day...

Maybe you missed this post

I know it's none of my business and I have never asked her. My curiosity comes in part because of some of the comments that she has made and things that she expects others to do for her and her family.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Hey quote thing worked this time....

So I agree with the bolded, do what works for your family and back to the original topic, dont be rude and ask SAHMs what they do all day...THEY ARE DOING WHAT WORKS FOR THEIR FAMILY AT THAT GIVEN TIME.

Right. And vice versa - don't be rude to working folks, either.

 

[Mkrop]

Right. And vice versa - don't be rude to working folks, either.

 

[Nancyg56]

Common sense dictates that if SAHMs have it so hard and it is such a rigorous job, then Working Moms have it harder.....they have to do ALL of that AND have a full time job. Truth.

Not necessarily so. I used to get asked for help from family and friends who needed me, "because i did not work.". Staying at home has challenges that working Moms are not faced with. I have done both, and neither choice was harder than the other. Both decisions were difficult. Both were different. I think that the biggest mistake people make is to leap to the assumption that they have it harder than another because in the surface it seems like a slam dunk to make that leap.

I am 57 and I am still appalled that as a community of women, we don't set aside this nonsense of comparing notes and accept that the notion that SAHM all live Donna Reed lives, and Working Moms are living the Clair Huxtable have it all life. Both depictions are fairy tales, as s the assumptions that many have made on this thread.

 

[Nancyg56]

Maybe you missed this post

Oh, I did! I am sorry! I just am sensitive to this "wondering" thing, because I used to get that question all of the time. I finally started saying "Nothing. I don't do a darn thing all day."

Right now my DH is in a tizzy because I have a part time job after having been home for over 10 years. He says he will never hold me back if i want to work, but he sure does miss life as he once knew it. Being home for our home, means an open door all day, every day. That generates a lot of extra work, and he knows that now. (in fairness he always did, and made o bones about how he never ever wanted my job.)

He is having a terrible time adjusting to the change, as am I. I don't like things going unfinished, or many time just let go. I don't juggle this with kids, so I cannot imagine the pressure working mothers have. I do remember being that Mom who was at home, and tried to fill gaps those Mom's encountered, and it placed a lot of responsibility on me.

I think these threads annoy me more because so many have absolutely no empathy for those who make difficult choices. AS I said before, I have been a working parent and a parent who was at home Both jobs are hard, and both leave gaps that need to be filled.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

I think that's ideal, and in a perfect world more jobs would be suited to it. It is the real world lack of flexibility that pushed us towards a more traditional division of labor, because no matter how much I earn (short of enabling DH to quit working completely, something I'm not sure he'll ever do) his hours are what his hours are. And mine were less crazy but more rigid, so there was no trading off and tag teaming to make the evenings work.



That's the sort of stuff I wonder about too. Most of the kids in our social circle have either a SAH parent or a retired grandparent caregiver so those daytime activities are no problem. But I can't imagine how I'd have arranged it if I still worked full time. DD13 has meetings all over the place, mostly in the mornings, and I'd have to use vacation time for fair week because that's an all day commitment for several consecutive work days. DD6 had summer tutoring 3 mornings a week and garden club after lunch on Wed, which would all be very difficult to coordinate with a caregiver unless we went with a nanny whose job description included driving them around.

It's definitely tough to juggle it all but there's one thing I've noticed- DH's bosses have seemed more flexible only when I WASN'T staying home. I stayed home for almost 3 years when DS6 was born. Dh never seemed to be able to take off for a Drs. appt or any sort of "first" without getting grief, because his wife stayed home. Now that I'm working, and missing a lot of time in the office with my own Dr's appts, it's understood that he needs to be there with his kids because I can't do it. DS6 did swim team this summer- that's 6 straight weeks of morning practice every single day. DH just went into work later with no issues. No, we couldn't do a mid-day every day commitment, but we can make most things work.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

How many jobs really allow that? One day off every 2 or 3 weeks? Honest question, no snark. I've never had a job with that kind of flexibility or vacation time. Even if I'd been able to get away with taking time off like that, it would have consumed my vacation time for the year leaving no time for actual vacationing.

I don't think I have the most flexible job or the most flexible boss, but I've never heard of someone at my office not being able to take their vacation a day here and a day there, or even a half day.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

Common sense dictates that if SAHMs have it so hard and it is such a rigorous job, then Working Moms have it harder.....they have to do ALL of that AND have a full time job. Truth.

LOL- I'd have to say that depends on the day. Right now I'm DIS'ing from my nice quiet office, came in late because I had a Dr's appt, and we have a work function this afternoon. The hardest thing I'll do all day will probably be resisting having a nice cold alcoholic beverage while all my co-workers are drinking. And the bonus- I get paid for today. When I was a SAHM, I did not. And there was very rarely any nice quiet time to surf the DIS!

 

[kimj88]

Bingo! Well said.

There is a new term called motherism coined by Dr Aric Sigman and our society is rife with it. Women who choose to stay home and put child rearing and home making first are looked down upon and often seen as lazy, not contributing to society and wasting our lives. It's a sad state of affairs when raising our children is basically seen as the least valuable work one can do. It's something one can delegate to a nanny, day care centre or the school. Stay at home moms decide that child care is not a task to be delegated. They believe that it is of utmost importance that they be the single strongest guiding force in their child's life. They are looked down on for this? How crazy is that? We are the only mammals that encourage separation of mother and child before the child is self sufficient. Ever consider that perhaps the animal world has it figured out? We obviously don't as evidenced by this discussion.

Both sides of the debate make tough choices with consequences. Shams give up financial gain, independence and lose ground in the workforce. They often do without material possessions. Wms miss out on time with their kids, miss milestones and often have to juggle when life throws them a curveball. We need to own our choices and acknowledge the shortcomings of those choices.

Love the way you worded this. Especially this part "It's a sad state of affairs when raising our children is basically seen as the least valuable work one can do.". And for the record I am not a SAHM. I would like to be, but not one. I do work part-time not full-time though and even just working part-time, I find it very hard to get done things I want to get done the way I want to get them done and to spend the amount of focused time on/with my children as I would like to.
And to the OP - I think this thread has gotten out of hand and people are misunderstanding your point. I read it as you were annoyed that people had the nerve to ask you what you would do all day. Simply that. Not in any way a debate of SAHM vs working mothers or that one is better or worse. You definitely should not feel the need to justify those questions from people with anything at all, unless you feel like using sarcasm perhaps

 

[Juliet25]

LOL- I'd have to say that depends on the day. Right now I'm DIS'ing from my nice quiet office, came in late because I had a Dr's appt, and we have a work function this afternoon. The hardest thing I'll do all day will probably be resisting having a nice cold alcoholic beverage while all my co-workers are drinking. And the bonus- I get paid for today. When I was a SAHM, I did not. And there was very rarely any nice quiet time to surf the DIS!

As a former WOHM turned SAHM, I miss those days! My 4 year olds been tantruming for two hours now and I'm at my wit's end. I want to transport myself back to my desk job where I could sip a cup of tea, listen to NPR, and edit a paper to my heart's content (and get paid for doing so!).

 

[Art 1]

As a former WOHM turned SAHM, I miss those days! My 4 year olds been tantruming for two hours now and I'm at my wit's end. I want to transport myself back to my desk job where I could sip a cup of tea, listen to NPR, and edit a paper to my heart's content (and get paid for doing so!).

But then who would watch him or her. Would you feel right about not being there and having a stranger dealing with the child? Probably not.

 

[StephMK]

If that's true they're allowing themselves to be taken advantage of, unless they're single. When I worked DH did a lot more around the house than he does now. If I returned to work there's absolutely no way I'd be doing everything I do as a SAHM plus working 40+ hours a week. He'd have to take on some of the household responsibilities, the kids would be doing more (chores) and/or less (activities), and some things just wouldn't get done to the degree they do now (giving up some of the volunteer commitments, donating outgrown stuff instead of taking the time to sell it, letting the lawn reclaim some of the veggie beds, etc.). There simply aren't enough hours in the week to do ALL of what I do and work full time.

I agree with this. We both work and share household duties but I'm pretty sure DH would be happy not to do them. But then, I don't like them either. I definitely do not get as in depth with projects as I might if I didn't have a job.

 

[Gracie09]

But then who would watch him or her. Would you feel right about not being there and having a stranger dealing with the child? Probably not.

Generally one does not leave their child with a stranger. We know our nanny very well. And before that we knew the workers at our daughters daycare, having spent hours upon hours finding the right fit.

And having been a sahm with a tantruming four year old, I would only feel guilty that I was t paying my nanny enough to deal with that.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I was so lucky because I have spend the past 15 years at home with my kids but now that my daughter is driving I really am not needed at home sooooo, I just went back to work and I love it! guess what else? I'm doing this for Disney money!,

Looking back I don't have a single regret. I loved being at home with my kids. I loved running them everywhere too. I would do it all over again!

 

[SLP958]

But then who would watch him or her. Would you feel right about not being there and having a stranger dealing with the child? Probably not.

Who leaves their children with strangers while they go to work? Why does this word "strangers" keep coming up?

 

[Planogirl]

Which is more difficult depends on the person and what they have to contend with.

I had only one child who was pretty good natured and I was lucky. When I stayed home with him we had a wonderful time and he was rarely much trouble.

However, my current job is difficult and it is hard to get time off on short notice. I feel for the people that have young kids.

 

[NMAmy]

But then who would watch him or her. Would you feel right about not being there and having a stranger dealing with the child? Probably not.

I don't know about other kids but my child never, ever threw a tantrum with anyone but me. I was lucky that way, I guess, and so were her daycare providers.

No one drops their kid off with a stranger and proponents of SAHM's should stop trying to make WOHM's feel guilty by using that phrase. Strangers are not "raising" their children--chosen caregivers are with them during the day just like public schools do when kids are older.

 

[jenm2878]

Why do people keep saying WOHMs leave their kids with strangers? It's not like I paid some random person on the street to take my kid and am hoping for the best. We researched many daycares while I was pregnant, went to several open houses, dropped by unannounced many times, and over the years we have gotten to know all of the teachers at my son's daycare very well. I don't know ANY working mom that didn't vett their children's daycare in a similar way. To suggest he got dumped with strangers is not only insulting, it's highly inaccurate.

We are lucky because my son's daycare is located on the same street that my husband and I work on. He has a great time there and half the time I'm dragging him out of there because he's upset about missing whatever fun event I've interrupted. I've never once worried that he didn't have top notch care, and it's apparent that his teachers truly care about each and every kid.

I never get involved in the mommy wars because I know we're doing what's best for our family, and nothing I or the other side says will change any minds. However, the "leaving my kid with strangers" thing just gets under my skin.

 

[ronandannette]

Why do people keep saying WOHMs leave their kids with strangers? It's not like I paid some random person on the street to take my kid and am hoping for the best. We researched many daycares while I was pregnant, went to several open houses, dropped by unannounced many times, and over the years we have gotten to know all of the teachers at my son's daycare very well. I don't know ANY working mom that didn't vett their children's daycare in a similar way. To suggest he got dumped with strangers is not only insulting, it's highly inaccurate.

We are lucky because my son's daycare is located on the same street that my husband and I work on. He has a great time there and half the time I'm dragging him out of there because he's upset about missing whatever fun event I've interrupted. I've never once worried that he didn't have top notch care, and it's apparent that his teachers truly care about each and every kid.

I never get involved in the mommy wars because I know we're doing what's best for our family, and nothing I or the other side says will change any minds. However, the "leaving my kid with strangers" thing just gets under my skin.

For levity, there were times during my SAHM'hood that I was tempted to try this. And beginning at 5 years of age most of our kids spend more time in the presence of actual strangers (people we've never met before) than they do with us whether we stay at home or go out to work. Nobody thinks that's weird, right? Knock off the "stranger" rhetoric Art.