SAHM Vent

[Mickeyluver37]

I've been a SAHM, a full time student with kids in part time care, a part time working mom, a full time working mom working 65+ week during tax season, and now work a standard 40 hour, 5 day a week job. There is always a give and take with every situation. I think what was the most ideal for me/my family was when I just had 2 kids in elementary school, and worked 9:30-2:30. I was able to get them to and from school, and I still had the energy to cook and clean while they were doing homework. Now, it's surely the housework that suffers.

I'm not sure where this notion comes from that only SAHM's volunteer. I've held several offices on the boosters, been the GS troop leader, the cookie mom, and participated in many other volunteering opportunities for my kids. DH coaches baseball and football for our youngest now, and has always coached something since the other 2 were younger. I may not be a classroom mom, but if there is an event or a field trip, I'm there. I can't be home every day after school, but I am there for the special days. On the first day of school I worked from home to be there at the beginning and ending of the day. I can leave work for an extended lunch to have lunch in the cafeteria, since this is something our elementary school supports, and I work close enough. With being pregnant this year, I've taken a step back from holding any offices or running anything and I'm getting to actually watch my children's events and ENJOY them, instead of running around behind the scenes! On that note, I know plenty of both SAHM's and WOHM's who contribute nothing but complaints when it comes to their children's activities. It seems to have nothing to do with who works/doesn't work, when it comes to wanting to be involved with your kids.

Our family dynamic has changed so many times in the 18 years we've been married and will continue to change. I will be putting an infant in daycare for the first time next year, and I'm sure it won't be easy. But with 1, soon to be 2 teens driving and looking at some huge college bills in the near future, I AM doing what's best for my children. They've always been the priority, but it's not so black and white when you have several of them in differing stages of life. I, along with most moms I know, are doing what's best for our families at that moment in time.

I have a great support network of neighbors, some who stay home and some who work. On the very rare occasion that I have to ask for a favor because I'm working, I always reciprocate! I have a friend who has every Friday off- there have been times that the school is closed on Friday and she took my son. Usually I suggest a sleepover at MY house the night before so she and her hubby can go on a date night. Life is a lot easier when we embrace and support each other instead of fueling the mommy wars.

 

[Hrhpd]

Couldn't care less about the classroom. I was talking about being unavailable as the "open home" where DS and his friends were warmly welcomed and spent so many happy, safely-supervised hours together during their high school years.

My apologies

 

[mom2rtk]

What I found was there is no perfect life. No perfect solution. For a parent, each choice involves sacrifice, both on a personal level as well as a homelife level. Anyone who tells you differently really is not honest in their evaluation of another persons life.

Yep. That.

I have worked full time away from home with kids. I have worked part-time away from home with kids. I have worked at home with kids. There were trade-offs with all of those, just as I'm sure there would be if I was at home full-time. None of the options is perfect. It's about the sacrifices you're willing to make at each stage.

 

[Hrhpd]

Don't waste your time - this poster's 13 year old son got someone pregnant, she ended up in prison, and instead of giving the baby up to a loving, financially stable two parent home, chose to let the teen keep the baby, even though he was still a child himself.

And yet judges others for supposedly not putting a child's best interest first.

I'm a SAHM, and have nothing but respect for WOH parents. Some women want and/or need to work. I know many highly successful women, many with advanced degrees, who make their children very proud, and who are wonderful parents.

While I agree that this poster's comments have been highly judgmental and unfair to working moms and not the first time he has judged other parents, I do think it is only unfair to not present the whole story as he has told us.

Apparently, the woman, who was a person in trust (teacher), is in jail for raping the 13 year old that caused the pregnancy. I don't think this is a circumstance of a teenager getting a girl pregnant because of neglectful parents, at least the way the poster has relayed what happened.

The poster's teen lives with the poster and they are raising the grandchild with a bit of help from the teen.

While I don't agree with anything he ever says about parenting, I do admire his effort to give his teen a relatively normal childhood while raising his grandchild.

And no, no stalking. His story was so shocking in one thread, it was hard to forget the details.

 

[Ceila]

While I agree that this poster's comments have been highly judgmental and unfair to working moms and not the first time he has judged other parents, I do think it is only unfair to not present the whole story as he has told us.

Apparently, the woman, who was a person in trust (teacher), is in jail for raping the 13 year old that caused the pregnancy. I don't think this is a circumstance of a teenager getting a girl pregnant because of neglectful parents, at least the way the poster has relayed what happened.

The poster's teen lives with the poster and they are raising the grandchild with a bit of help from the teen.

While I don't agree with anything he ever says about parenting, I do admire his effort to give his teen a relatively normal childhood while raising his grandchild.

And no, no stalking. His story was so shocking in one thread, it was hard to forget the details.

Wow, that's quite a different version than the one mjkacmom tried to project. Thank you for clarifying. I don't agree with most of what coonhound has said on this thread, but for mjkacmom to try to discredit him by skewing the story is really unfair.

 

[mjkacmom]

While I agree that this poster's comments have been highly judgmental and unfair to working moms and not the first time he has judged other parents, I do think it is only unfair to not present the whole story as he has told us.

Apparently, the woman, who was a person in trust (teacher), is in jail for raping the 13 year old that caused the pregnancy. I don't think this is a circumstance of a teenager getting a girl pregnant because of neglectful parents, at least the way the poster has relayed what happened.

The poster's teen lives with the poster and they are raising the grandchild with a bit of help from the teen.

While I don't agree with anything he ever says about parenting, I do admire his effort to give his teen a relatively normal childhood while raising his grandchild.

And no, no stalking. His story was so shocking in one thread, it was hard to forget the details.

Honestly, I wouldn't have brought it up, if he didn't, on several occasions, tell working moms they were bad parents, neglecting their children, and not putting the needs of the children first.

Personally, I think it's selfish to let a child decide to take on the lifetime role as "parent." I don't think a child can consent to being a parent, or to having sex. Just because a child says yes, doesn't mean it's okay, because a child doesn't have the mental ability to understand the ramifications of that decision.

Would it be painful to give up my grandchild? Of course! But I would, for the sake of that child, and my child. I think that would be best for everyone's future. I don't think tragedies like this (because child rape is a tragedy) are caused by two income families, and sending kids to school. Nor do I think they can be prevented by having a SAHM and homeschooling (especially if the reason for homeschooling is out of fear).

I think many here disagree with many, if not most, of this posters opinions on parenting. The fact that he is rudely judging the decisions of women who appear to be loving, responsible, hard working mothers, just makes my skin crawl a bit.

 

[Planogirl]

Two wrongs don't make a right but often those who judge the most end up being the one judged. I think that it's important to remember that no one here is perfect and attacking others for not doing what you think they should accomplishes nothing but hurt feelings.

 

[luvsJack]

For the record I'm not a "she". My wife stays home and home schools the kids and I made sure I would have a career where I would be able to support my family. Years ago we didn't homeschool, I spent maybe an hour if even that with my son a day, and wasn't involved at all. Now I realize there is nothing more important than involved parents, being in charge of your child's education, and having a mother at home. In ten years you will probably regret having 12 hour workdays with a 2 hour commute to spend your time with other people's kids.

Let me enlighten you on something. The number of hours you spend with your child in a day or a week are not nearly as important as you seem to think. Its what you do with the hours you have that is important.

I have worked all of my "mother' years (well except for older ds's first two years and the weeks after yds's and dd's births). And yet, I couldn't be closer to my kids. And I have no regrets whatsoever. My working made sure that we could afford guitar lessons, karate, judo, baseball, basketball, football, soccer and choir.

When they were preschool age-younger elementary, we used the time in the car, at breakfast, after work, at dinner and at bedtime to sing songs, read books, play games, talk, play outside, ENJOY each other's company.

Later on those same times have been used for heart to heart talks, acting silly, finding out what went on in each other's days, etc.

No one has to fill guilty for not being with their child 24 hours a day. Its what they do with the time they have that is important. I know sahms that do not do as much with their children as many working moms do with theirs. Its a choice of putting the relationship with their child first regardless of how many hours a day they have.

I do not homeschool but I am completely "in control" of my child's education. I make sure of what she takes and what she learns. Homeschooling can be wonderful (and it can be the worst, just like public school) but it is not the end all and be all nor is it the only option. I know kids that were homeschooled that have learned NOTHING. They are 3-4 years behind. I know another who is so for behind socially that I feel very, very bad for this kid. But I know that none of these kids are the norm for homeschooling.

Working moms are "involved" with their children. I have never missed one ballgame, one competition, one performance or one concert. Not one for any of the three. I have been to everything for them and through everything with them.

And btw, for most of my sons growing up years and dd's 0-5 years old; I worked 12-14 hours a day.

Until you get that father of the year award, you have no right to down anyone's choices. Maybe YOU can't work full time and be there for your kids but I can and so can any other mother on the planet.

 

[SAHDad]

Yeah, I don't get why it's all about the mom. Where's the dad in this? Why don't his hours with the kids count?

No, not in the same way. According to the 2010 census, if a woman stays at home with the kids, that's parenting. If a man stays at home with the kids, that's a child care arrangement.

I used to go through that every year - having to remind libraries, child watch t the Y, cashiers, etc that I was a SAHD, not "babysitting" my kids. The school still calls my wife at work before trying to get hold of me at home, despite being told that it should be the other way around. DS is only going into 5th, so it's still kind of new to them, him being in the system for only 6 years and all.

And where are all the threads by dads who stay / work from home bashing the dads that work outside of the home and only see them for a few hours each night???? They are clearly not putting their children first!

That's because SAHDs are lazy bums who really do sit on the couch eating bon bons and watching their stories all day.

That, or SAHDs spend their time dealing with the weird looks that come from taking their kids to a "Mommy and Me" class, or going to a "Parents Group" that really is a "Mommy Group." (At least MOPS is open about men not being allowed, but some of those "open to any parent" groups really did not like anyone who was not a SAHM - dads and WOHMs attended at their own risk.)

 

[Mkrop]

This is not true at all. For some women, working outside the home IS putting their child first. Perhaps they are making sure they can provide the best education for their child, or give their child opportunities they could not otherwise give. Or maybe they are the type of person that NEEDS the work and the socialization with adults to make them a happier and better parent.

I just quoted the 1st paragraph and ITA! I've been all kinds of moms - SAH, P/T, FT, WAH, WOH, and different stages of life make different choices make sense at those times. I definitely kids learn when they are exposed to many people and different viewpoints. I am a teacher but still believe they get a better education from "strangers who spend hours with them".



It's your truth, not everyone's. I'm not going to debate the pros/cons of putting the child first but I have seen where that is not always a positive. So no, I don't think a blanket statement like that works for all families.


Not directed at the quoted above - I know people get defensive about their choices but I don't get the attitude that there is only one "right" way. Families need to do what works best for them and I would say those choices were well thought out and planned in most cases.

I do get peeved when people comment about working parents abusing SOH parents' availability. Maybe those people need new friends. I have never used a SAH mom to help me with my kids. We both work & DH is just as involved as I am. I drop them off, he picks them up at 3:30. If one of us can't get there (rare), they walk to the Y and work out or do homework for an hour. One of us stays with them when they are sick and DH can work from home if needed.

DH is also quite capable in putting together a dinner and supervising homework - though he defers the math to me. He will vacuum sometimes and handles all yard work. I clean, make appts, pay bills, etc. We both take the kids to dr appts and activities, depending on who wants/can do it. We don't outsource any household duties other than 2x a year fertilizer for the yard. We manage to cook, clean, and raise well adjusted kids.

It is possible to stay involved with the kids and work outside the home at the same time. I don't feel like we give up anything in our choice. I have SAHM friends who feel the same way in their choice and that's how it should be. As long as you are comfortable with your choice, then what difference does it really make?

Why do you get peeved if this has been our experience. Just bc you have not done it doesnt mean it doesnt happen. And it is rarely MY friends, it is my kids' friends' parents who pull this crap. It is harder to say no when your kid wants Joey to ride in the carpool or is needed to make 9 players on the team. There are so many kids that I wanted to say NO I am not giving you a ride again but I also dont want to hurt the child.

Don't waste your time - this poster's 13 year old son got someone pregnant, she ended up in prison, and instead of giving the baby up to a loving, financially stable two parent home, chose to let the teen keep the baby, even though he was still a child himself.

And yet judges others for supposedly not putting a child's best interest first.

I'm a SAHM, and have nothing but respect for WOH parents. Some women want and/or need to work. I know many highly successful women, many with advanced degrees, who make their children very proud, and who are wonderful parents.

This was over the line and uncalled for. I do NOT agree with Coonhound at all but who are you to judge what they decided to do for their grandchild. If that was my grandchild I dont know if I would have made any different a decision, I would want them with me. I hope I never am in that position.

I also think that teambeaman is doing the best they can given how her job dynamics changed, and if dad is around, than great!

I'm not going to defend Coonhound's comments, but that was out of line.

Honestly, I wouldn't have brought it up, if he didn't, on several occasions, tell working moms they were bad parents, neglecting their children, and not putting the needs of the children first.

Personally, I think it's selfish to let a child decide to take on the lifetime role as "parent." I don't think a child can consent to being a parent, or to having sex. Just because a child says yes, doesn't mean it's okay, because a child doesn't have the mental ability to understand the ramifications of that decision.

Would it be painful to give up my grandchild? Of course! But I would, for the sake of that child, and my child. I think that would be best for everyone's future. I don't think tragedies like this (because child rape is a tragedy) are caused by two income families, and sending kids to school. Nor do I think they can be prevented by having a SAHM and homeschooling (especially if the reason for homeschooling is out of fear).

I think many here disagree with many, if not most, of this posters opinions on parenting. The fact that he is rudely judging the decisions of women who appear to be loving, responsible, hard working mothers, just makes my skin crawl a bit.

But that is your opinion, many people feel it is better for the child to be with family. You have NO idea if the adopted family are decent parents. So many are wonderful parents and raise wonderful families, many of my friends are adoptive parents. But I also know of many families where the parents were not a good fit, I know a couple that adopted 2 boys from Russia, and dad is now in jail for selling Oxy from his pharmacy.

So if my family was faced with this decision, I do not know what direction we would choose, and I really dont think people should be judged for that

 

[mefordis]

Thanks for the explanation. Coonhound just gained a lot more respect, while someone else lost it.

While I agree that this poster's comments have been highly judgmental and unfair to working moms and not the first time he has judged other parents, I do think it is only unfair to not present the whole story as he has told us.

Apparently, the woman, who was a person in trust (teacher), is in jail for raping the 13 year old that caused the pregnancy. I don't think this is a circumstance of a teenager getting a girl pregnant because of neglectful parents, at least the way the poster has relayed what happened.

The poster's teen lives with the poster and they are raising the grandchild with a bit of help from the teen.

While I don't agree with anything he ever says about parenting, I do admire his effort to give his teen a relatively normal childhood while raising his grandchild.

And no, no stalking. His story was so shocking in one thread, it was hard to forget the details.

 

[JanaDee]

I do get peeved when people comment about working parents abusing SOH parents' availability. Maybe those people need new friends. I have never used a SAH mom to help me with my kids. We both work & DH is just as involved as I am. I drop them off, he picks them up at 3:30. If one of us can't get there (rare), they walk to the Y and work out or do homework for an hour. One of us stays with them when they are sick and DH can work from home if needed.

Since this seems to be directed at me, I'll answer. None of these parents are my friends. Friendly, yes ~ friends, no.

Just curious how you'd handle it if you had a DD in VB like I do? They had open gyms twice a week all summer, in the middle of the day. The last two weeks, they've had VB practice in the middle of the day that lasts for 2 hours (today it is from 10:15-12:15, tomorrow 2-4pm). Missing practice for unexcused reasons means you sit the bench. If you want to play, you show up for practice, which I completely agree with as a parent.

 

[jrmasm]

Since this seems to be directed at me, I'll answer. None of these parents are my friends. Friendly, yes ~ friends, no.

Just curious how you'd handle it if you had a DD in VB like I do? They had open gyms twice a week all summer, in the middle of the day. The last two weeks, they've had VB practice in the middle of the day that lasts for 2 hours (today it is from 10:15-12:15, tomorrow 2-4pm). Missing practice for unexcused reasons means you sit the bench. If you want to play, you show up for practice, which I completely agree with as a parent.

Most of my DD's high school teammates had parents that worked. It's not that hard. Juniors and seniors picked up the 9th and 10th graders on their way to practice and dropped them at home after. Also parents took turns taking off work to run carpools. This would work if the kids were younger too.

 

[JanaDee]

Most of my DD's high school teammates had parents that worked. It's not that hard. Juniors and seniors picked up the 9th and 10th graders on their way to practice and dropped them at home after. Also parents took turns taking off work to run carpools. This would work if the kids were younger too.

My DD is 13, not in high school.

 

[threecrazykids]

Since this seems to be directed at me, I'll answer. None of these parents are my friends. Friendly, yes ~ friends, no.

Just curious how you'd handle it if you had a DD in VB like I do? They had open gyms twice a week all summer, in the middle of the day. The last two weeks, they've had VB practice in the middle of the day that lasts for 2 hours (today it is from 10:15-12:15, tomorrow 2-4pm). Missing practice for unexcused reasons means you sit the bench. If you want to play, you show up for practice, which I completely agree with as a parent.

Ok, I have to comment on this because this is one thing that some of us who work outside the home grow ever so frustrated with. Not directing this towards you - just jumping off your post.

I'm not certain how old your daughter is...but is she old enough to drive? If not, I find it really frustrating when these programs plan practices right in the smack dab middle of a work day when the players aren't old enough to drive themselves to practice.

If I have a 13 year old who is expected to be there, I am obviously going to have to make arrangements for her to get to and from practice. My first call for carpooling arrangements when practice is in the middle of the day? THE COACH, typically.

I find that a lot of these coaches are teachers within our small(er) district so they typically are off for the summer so it's perfect for them to schedule practices during the middle of the day.
But if these kids aren't of age to drive - some of them are likely going to have to find rides while school is out, if the coaches want them there. I think we only have 1 SAHM on our entire team of players and I certainly don't expect her to pick up everyone's kids every day simply because she's home.

I don't think it would be realistic for a team to be dependent on one parent of every player being home every day to get to practice. Heck, on some of these leagues the cost of participating alone can cause one to need to work.

I've always been able to make arrangements between family, coaches, and carpool but sadly there are always kids who you find out didn't make it to practice because they couldn't get a ride.

 

[threecrazykids]

Most of my DD's high school teammates had parents that worked. It's not that hard. Juniors and seniors picked up the 9th and 10th graders on their way to practice and dropped them at home after. Also parents took turns taking off work to run carpools. This would work if the kids were younger too.

I'm not sure about other schools but our Jr. High kids certainly don't practice at the same time the high school team does. I got REALLY lucky this year that my daughter's team practices before school...6am, which works out great since that is when I leave for work...so guess who picks up a ton of girls on her way? LOL

The JV/Varsity practices after school for us...so the arrangement of picking up the youngsters would never work at our school. It's great if it can work out that way though!

 

[NewRVLady]

While I agree that this poster's comments have been highly judgmental and unfair to working moms and not the first time he has judged other parents, I do think it is only unfair to not present the whole story as he has told us.

Apparently, the woman, who was a person in trust (teacher), is in jail for raping the 13 year old that caused the pregnancy. I don't think this is a circumstance of a teenager getting a girl pregnant because of neglectful parents, at least the way the poster has relayed what happened.

The poster's teen lives with the poster and they are raising the grandchild with a bit of help from the teen.

While I don't agree with anything he ever says about parenting, I do admire his effort to give his teen a relatively normal childhood while raising his grandchild.

And no, no stalking. His story was so shocking in one thread, it was hard to forget the details.

And again - I would not force a 14 child to keep a child who is a result of a rape
But that is me - there are too many adoptive parents out there begging for a child

 

[jrmasm]

My DD is 13, not in high school.

I guess I wasn't clear. I meant the 2nd option of working parents taking turns works for both younger and older kids.

I'm not sure about other schools but our Jr. High kids certainly don't practice at the same time the high school team does. I got REALLY lucky this year that my daughter's team practices before school...6am, which works out great since that is when I leave for work...so guess who picks up a ton of girls on her way? LOL

The JV/Varsity practices after school for us...so the arrangement of picking up the youngsters would never work at our school. It's great if it can work out that way though!

I understood Jane Dee to mean in the summer. It is a pain but you work it out. If you have 3 or 4 kids in your carpool and both parents take a turn, you only need to off work every 6th or 8th practice so it's doable.

 

[Colleen27]

Here's what I was going to say before all our roosters got their feathers ruffled. (It's a joke, people - just trying to lighten the mood a bit here, lol.)

teambeaman has already said her child is picked up by her husband every day between 1 and 4pm. This is how MANY working professionals run their lives - with teamwork between spouses. Surely people don't think this is unacceptable?

I think that's ideal, and in a perfect world more jobs would be suited to it. It is the real world lack of flexibility that pushed us towards a more traditional division of labor, because no matter how much I earn (short of enabling DH to quit working completely, something I'm not sure he'll ever do) his hours are what his hours are. And mine were less crazy but more rigid, so there was no trading off and tag teaming to make the evenings work.

Just curious how you'd handle it if you had a DD in VB like I do? They had open gyms twice a week all summer, in the middle of the day. The last two weeks, they've had VB practice in the middle of the day that lasts for 2 hours (today it is from 10:15-12:15, tomorrow 2-4pm). Missing practice for unexcused reasons means you sit the bench. If you want to play, you show up for practice, which I completely agree with as a parent.

That's the sort of stuff I wonder about too. Most of the kids in our social circle have either a SAH parent or a retired grandparent caregiver so those daytime activities are no problem. But I can't imagine how I'd have arranged it if I still worked full time. DD13 has meetings all over the place, mostly in the mornings, and I'd have to use vacation time for fair week because that's an all day commitment for several consecutive work days. DD6 had summer tutoring 3 mornings a week and garden club after lunch on Wed, which would all be very difficult to coordinate with a caregiver unless we went with a nanny whose job description included driving them around.

 

[Mkrop]

Most of my DD's high school teammates had parents that worked. It's not that hard. Juniors and seniors picked up the 9th and 10th graders on their way to practice and dropped them at home after. Also parents took turns taking off work to run carpools. This would work if the kids were younger too.

Well now that DS16 has his license, I dont want him to have to drive everyone everywhere, even if they offer to cough up gas money, too much wear and tear on his car. He currently is only legally allowed to drive one other nonsibling in the car. And some of the places he had to drive for baseball for example were extremely far away in the middle of nowhere. No way did I want him driving himself or another player there after he just got his license. Once in awhile, ok, but not all the time. He needs to get home or get to work.

I'll never forget the call I got from DS two years ago when he was a freshman saying that this senior was going to give him a ride to the diner after the play, the whole cast was going. He was so excitied to be riding in an orange, convertible Camaro. Mom not so much, it was nerveracking.

DS16 last spring played on a baseball team of all 16 year olds. Most of these kids were new drivers or in the process of getting their license. Given where the away games were, none of them drove. The coach always sent out an email said we are meeting at the home field and if anyone needed a ride to show up there. They had to leave by 4 to get to these places. Many parents worked. The email would always come out can Joey get a ride please. I ALWAYS replied all and said I would go and get whoever needed to be picked up. So it was me, and the two coaches who always had kids in our car. The ONE time I needed a ride for DS, I put the email out there. Not one single person stepped up, and only one coach was driving and he did not have room for DS. ALL those kids I drove and not one of them could step up. One of them was driving up there but the mom wanted him to practice...I mean really, you couldnt forgo that to pay back a favor. Finally the coach tracked down a dad who had not left the area yet and he came and got him. And YES I ahve driven his kid several times.

THIS is why I sometimes get ticked off at the working parents who sign their kids up for things and then expect everyone else to get them there and not pay it back when asked.

And again - I would not force a 14 child to keep a child who is a result of a rape
But that is me - there are too many adoptive parents out there begging for a child

Where was the word force used? You dont know this man and his family's story, maybe this was a family decision, one that is once again no one's business.

Once again I am not supporting Coonhound's tone in this thread but this kind of speculation and judging is over the line IMHO.