SAHM Vent

[mefordis]

Working moms do have it worse IMO. I've been both. That's why I no longer work.

I guess it was your comments about 'washing your hair without someone screaming." You gave me a stereotype. Sorry. I have been able to wash my hair and take a shower since my son was an infant. And I worked. It's not that hard. And he didn't scream while I washed my hair.

I don't have an issue with SAHM...But, as I said in a PM today...I will ALWAYS hold to the belief that working moms, moms that have to work, have it worse. We just do. We have to juggle so much more. We do. We go to work when our kids have the sniffles and our houses our a mess, and the dogs look like they just killed something. We don't volunteer...but we still cook dinner and do homework with our kids, and we all manage to wash our hair.

Yes, it was that comment that got me. Sorry. I can see by my PM's that I have a lot of support. You don't have it so bad. I don't feel sorry for you. I don't feel that I am better than you or that you are better than me...I just don't feel sorry that you are a stay at home Mom and can finally manage to wash her hair and put dinner on the table without your kids screaming. You shouldn't whine about your life. You have it good. You are not wondering where your kids will get their next hot meal or if you even have shampoo to wash your hair.

Stop whining and stop worrying about what anyone else thinks. Do what you can, and if you can sit there for 3 hours and just 'DIS', more power to you.

But for god's sake, wash your hair. Your kids are at school, you don't need to listen to them 'screaming'.

That's it.

 

[CdnCarrie]

We don't volunteer...but we still cook dinner and do homework with our kids, and we all manage to wash our hair.

Not sure why you think other working parents don't volunteer? Both my husband and I work full time and I do quit a bit of volunteer work with 2 kids under 10. Sure it's not in the classroom but it's with the scouting troop and our church, PTA fundraisers, etc.

I too don't get what is up with the OP and washing the hair? I get up and shower before I wake my kids up before taking them to daycare on my way to work. I don't think either of them have screamed when I was in the shower since they were infants. So I'm not sure what the OP really meant by that?

 

[BlueEyedGirls]

I guess it was your comments about 'washing your hair without someone screaming." You gave me a stereotype. Sorry. I have been able to wash my hair and take a shower since my son was an infant. And I worked. It's not that hard. And he didn't scream while I washed my hair.

I don't have an issue with SAHM...But, as I said in a PM today...I will ALWAYS hold to the belief that working moms, moms that have to work, have it worse. We just do. We have to juggle so much more. We do. We go to work when our kids have the sniffles and our houses our a mess, and the dogs look like they just killed something. We don't volunteer...but we still cook dinner and do homework with our kids, and we all manage to wash our hair.

Yes, it was that comment that got me. Sorry. I can see by my PM's that I have a lot of support. You don't have it so bad. I don't feel sorry for you. I don't feel that I am better than you or that you are better than me...I just don't feel sorry that you are a stay at home Mom and can finally manage to wash her hair and put dinner on the table without your kids screaming. You shouldn't whine about your life. You have it good. You are not wondering where your kids will get their next hot meal or if you even have shampoo to wash your hair.

Stop whining and stop worrying about what anyone else thinks. Do what you can, and if you can sit there for 3 hours and just 'DIS', more power to you.

But for god's sake, wash your hair. Your kids are at school, you don't need to listen to them 'screaming'.

That's it.

Clearly you have missed the point. I have to agree with the previous poster who said you must be venting some of your own frustrations and perceived inadequacies because I never said washing my hair was hard or that I never do it and I never asked for your sympathy. It was simply an example of something it would be nice to do - uninterrupted - with all my "free" time.

I never said I have it hard and I never said I didn't love being a SAHM. What I don't love is people like you who think they have everyone else figured out. I wouldn't want to do what you do for all the money in the world, and I suspect the feeling is mutual, but just no one should ask you to justify why you spend your time working, no one should ask me to justify my time not working.

 

[drinkme]

Not sure why you think other working parents don't volunteer? Both my husband and I work full time and I do quit a bit of volunteer work with 2 kids under 10. Sure it's not in the classroom but it's with the scouting troop and our church, PTA fundraisers, etc. I too don't get what is up with the OP and washing the hair? I get up and shower before I wake my kids up before taking them to daycare on my way to work. I don't think either of them have screamed when I was in the shower since they were infants. So I'm not sure what the OP really meant by that?

Yes, same here. I work FT & manage to volunteer ALOT. I work ft by choice not need. My 2 kids still at home are 15 & 13. And honestly, I don't know what I would do if I didn't work. I guess I would clean my house, but that would all be done by 8:30am. Lol.

Ok. So I guess I would have time to work on gardening, maybe work more intensely on my genealogy, & some other big project I don't have time for now.

I was a sahm for over 3 years. Once my baby started preschool I was itching to get back to work. I'm just someone who has to be constantly busy & I worked very hard for my degrees. Plus I love my career & enjoy going to work everyday.

However, I understand why the op gets upset when people say those things. It's rude & it makes it sound like sahms are lazy. All of us moms are busy.

 

[TinkerBelled]

I think we all get fulfillment from different things. For some women, they feel fulfilled when they organize their homes and care for their home spaces. For some, they feel fulfillment from engaging in the wider world. And of course there's overlap between the two.

Personally, and I say this with respect for SAHMs, I love my work and get great personal fulfillment from it. And as I've said before, I think being engaged with my work and feeling like I'm making a positive contribution to the world will make me a better parent than I would be otherwise. If I stayed at home, I know that I would get frustrated and bored and feel trapped and miserable. When I work, I'm firing on all cylinders, and I bring that energy and excitement home with me; in general, I find it's contagious.

However--and that's a big however--that's just what's true for me. My cousin feels her best sense of fulfillment from creating a calm, clean, easy home for her family. She feels like she's making a positive contribution to her own corner of the world, and that makes her a better parent than she would be otherwise.

Being honest, in general/in life, I resent the assumptions about my own priorities, I am frustrated by the rigidity of gender roles in America, and I worry about the larger economic consequences and dependencies of women staying at home. But none of that means that I dismiss women who make a clear and conscious decision not to work outside the home. It's just a different life choice.

 

[DanieD0909]

I actually totally understand the whole washing my hair thing...my daughter is obsessed with books and I literally have to recite them as I'm taking a shower so that she isn't pulling the curtain or getting into stuff!! I actually was thinking in 4 years from today will be her first day of school and maybe I can take a shower and wash my hair in silence!!

 

[Acklander]

OP. Each family makes their own decisions on how their family dynamics are going to work, and you don't have to justify those decisions to anyone. Will people make comments? Absolutely. But they will make comments if you stay at home, if you work part time, if you work full time. No matter what choice you make- people will make comments, that's what people will do.
The comments coming from your husband is different though, that means you're not on the same page on the family dynamics. That can lead to resentment on both parts and cause issues down the road, so you really need to address those issues now.
Personally, I've always worked full time. I enjoy what I do, and I've never had any desire to stay at home. DH was aware of that when we married, and we went into this relationship with both of us responsible for running the household. Before having kids, we figured out the division of child care duties, who would be responsible for getting kids to the extras, who would stay home with sick child etc.. When you have 2 working parents, you can't expect just one of the parent to be responsible for all the curveballs life will through at the family. Is your husband aware that if you go back to work he will have to take over a portion of the running the household, and also be available for child emergencies, child sick days, dr appointments, etc??? If he's aware of this and is still willing to step up to the plate, then that's his way of telling you that he doesn't want to be 100% responsible for the financial health of the family unit and/or he wants more involvement in running the home front but is unable because of his work commitments. you need to work together to come up with a redivision of the family unit duties. If he's not willing to step up to the plate then he needs to get on board with you being at home dealing with all the extras even with the kids back at school. He needs to be supportive of you running the household and child care and pulling his share of the home and child duties. You both need to get on the same page with him having your back, and not undermining your contributions.

 

[Disney Doll]

I guess it was your comments about 'washing your hair without someone screaming." You gave me a stereotype. Sorry. I have been able to wash my hair and take a shower since my son was an infant. And I worked. It's not that hard. And he didn't scream while I washed my hair. I don't have an issue with SAHM...But, as I said in a PM today...I will ALWAYS hold to the belief that working moms, moms that have to work, have it worse. We just do. We have to juggle so much more. We do. We go to work when our kids have the sniffles and our houses our a mess, and the dogs look like they just killed something. We don't volunteer...but we still cook dinner and do homework with our kids, and we all manage to wash our hair. Yes, it was that comment that got me. Sorry. I can see by my PM's that I have a lot of support. You don't have it so bad. I don't feel sorry for you. I don't feel that I am better than you or that you are better than me...I just don't feel sorry that you are a stay at home Mom and can finally manage to wash her hair and put dinner on the table without your kids screaming. You shouldn't whine about your life. You have it good. You are not wondering where your kids will get their next hot meal or if you even have shampoo to wash your hair. Stop whining and stop worrying about what anyone else thinks. Do what you can, and if you can sit there for 3 hours and just 'DIS', more power to you. But for god's sake, wash your hair. Your kids are at school, you don't need to listen to them 'screaming'. That's it.

Actually you do think you are better. Your whole post reeks of it. Which is fine. But if you are requesting the OP own her truth, then you need to own yours. You think you're better because you work and can still do all the other Mom things.

 

[teller80]

I was a SAHM until my youngest started school. Then I went to work to save for their college education, which was fully funded by the time they started.

The kids learned to do laundry and how to cook. The house wasn't as clean as I would of liked, and leftovers were a staple. But for them to graduate from college debt free was a great start to life, and in my opinion worth it.

 

[teambeaman]

I think just like asking someone if they are pregnant is rude, so is this question. It is none of your business.

Oh, but I'm a teacher and people do ask what I do all day. In fact, it is so common to ask what I do all day that they're revamping the evaluation process in many states "to hold us more accountable". Meanwhile, I'm sacrificing time with my own child to educate the children of others. If it's okay to question what I do all day, why is it not okay to question what you do all day? I am in the same camp as most of these other working moms. I work a 10 hour day with a 2 hour commute and still manage to cook, clean, shower, do laundry, and spend time with my kid.

 

[NewRVLady]

The comments coming from your husband is different though, that means you're not on the same page on the family dynamics. That can lead to resentment on both parts and cause issues down the road, so you really need to address those issues now.
.

I think SAHM for a few years is great-but find something , even part time when They are in school.

I was lucky-I was able to work at home 7 hours a day (I actually stepped down from manager of my Dept , back to my former position to do this )-so I took off when I picked them up from school.
It was the best of both worlds.

 

[quandrea]

Actually you do think you are better. Your whole post reeks of it. Which is fine. But if you are requesting the OP own her truth, then you need to own yours. You think you're better because you work and can still do all the other Mom things.

Bingo! Well said.

There is a new term called motherism coined by Dr Aric Sigman and our society is rife with it. Women who choose to stay home and put child rearing and home making first are looked down upon and often seen as lazy, not contributing to society and wasting our lives. It's a sad state of affairs when raising our children is basically seen as the least valuable work one can do. It's something one can delegate to a nanny, day care centre or the school. Stay at home moms decide that child care is not a task to be delegated. They believe that it is of utmost importance that they be the single strongest guiding force in their child's life. They are looked down on for this? How crazy is that? We are the only mammals that encourage separation of mother and child before the child is self sufficient. Ever consider that perhaps the animal world has it figured out? We obviously don't as evidenced by this discussion.

Both sides of the debate make tough choices with consequences. Shams give up financial gain, independence and lose ground in the workforce. They often do without material possessions. Wms miss out on time with their kids, miss milestones and often have to juggle when life throws them a curveball. We need to own our choices and acknowledge the shortcomings of those choices.

 

[Ceila]

I guess it was your comments about 'washing your hair without someone screaming." You gave me a stereotype. Sorry. I have been able to wash my hair and take a shower since my son was an infant. And I worked. It's not that hard. And he didn't scream while I washed my hair.

I don't have an issue with SAHM...But, as I said in a PM today...I will ALWAYS hold to the belief that working moms, moms that have to work, have it worse. We just do. We have to juggle so much more. We do. We go to work when our kids have the sniffles and our houses our a mess, and the dogs look like they just killed something. We don't volunteer...but we still cook dinner and do homework with our kids, and we all manage to wash our hair.

Yes, it was that comment that got me. Sorry. I can see by my PM's that I have a lot of support. You don't have it so bad. I don't feel sorry for you. I don't feel that I am better than you or that you are better than me...I just don't feel sorry that you are a stay at home Mom and can finally manage to wash her hair and put dinner on the table without your kids screaming. You shouldn't whine about your life. You have it good. You are not wondering where your kids will get their next hot meal or if you even have shampoo to wash your hair.

Stop whining and stop worrying about what anyone else thinks. Do what you can, and if you can sit there for 3 hours and just 'DIS', more power to you.

But for god's sake, wash your hair. Your kids are at school, you don't need to listen to them 'screaming'.

That's it.

It's really obnoxious to play the "don't complain since others have it worse than you" card. Everyone has things they complain about, no matter how wonderful their life is. As a fun little discussion board mostly about vacationing in Disney, there's nothing wrong with venting about those things here.

I stayed at home for ten years and now I work. So, I've seen both sides. Yes, I got a heck of a lot more done when I was at home, and it's harder to juggle the schedule now that I work. But I don't begrudge anyone the ability to complain once in a while.

 

[Maggie Lizer]

My mom was a SAHM until my sister and I went off to college. Then she got bored and got a part time job. I obviously do not remember anything from when I was very little, but when we were older, she had a lot of free time to do things with us when school was out. Looking back, it was really great to be able to have mom take us to the movies or out to lunch during the summer instead of being in a summer school or day camp situation for 2 or 3 months.

 

[ronandannette]

I think SAHM for a few years is great-but find something , even part time when They are in school.

I was lucky-I was able to work at home 7 hours a day (I actually stepped down from manager of my Dept , back to my former position to do this )-so I took off when I picked them up from school.
It was the best of both worlds.

Not sure if you just worded this weird or if you're recommending it for everyone. For me, this would have been the absolute WORST of both worlds. An income small enough not to be of significant benefit to me or my family AND a time commitment that curtailed my flexibility in other areas. No thanks.

Bingo! Well said.

There is a new term called motherism coined by Dr Aric Sigman and our society is rife with it. Women who choose to stay home and put child rearing and home making first are looked down upon and often seen as lazy, not contributing to society and wasting our lives. It's a sad state of affairs when raising our children is basically seen as the least valuable work one can do. It's something one can delegate to a nanny, day care centre or the school. Stay at home moms decide that child care is not a task to be delegated. They believe that it is of utmost importance that they be the single strongest guiding force in their child's life. They are looked down on for this? How crazy is that? We are the only mammals that encourage separation of mother and child before the child is self sufficient. Ever consider that perhaps the animal world has it figured out? We obviously don't as evidenced by this discussion.

Both sides of the debate make tough choices with consequences. Shams give up financial gain, independence and lose ground in the workforce. They often do without material possessions. Wms miss out on time with their kids, miss milestones and often have to juggle when life throws them a curveball. We need to own our choices and acknowledge the shortcomings of those choices.

I'm uneasy with women being defined by the fact that they are mothers - whether SAHM or WM. Raising our kids is perhaps the most important thing we'll ever do, but it's still something we DO, it's not an identity. I think the fact that it has become one is what makes these discussions so intensely personal and contentious.

 

[Miss Penny]

I think SAHM for a few years is great-but find something , even part time when They are in school.

I'm not sure if this comment was your opinion about you personally or if you feel its what all SAHM should do.
I'm a homemaker, not just a SAHM, that is my full time job. It works for our family. The idea that we need to find something that gives us an income is ridiculous. We are fortunate that I dont need to make money, and besides I have plenty of " something" to do, I don't need to find anything else.

 

[nugov2]

You are a teacher, huh? Well gee what do you do all day? How hard could it be to teach kids? How nice it must be to only work during school hours and have 3 months off? Must be nice to have such a nice cushy job? You get planning periods so that is plenty of time to get it all done. Oh you say you work 12 hours? Gee what are you doing during that time? Sounds like you might not be that efficient in your job if other teachers can leave when school is over?

Did any of that bother you? Was any of that inaccurate? Was any of that any of my business? Was any of that rude?

This is why you dont ask what someone does all day, you most likely have NO CLUE!

And for the record I think teachers are awesome and work very hard, and most work longer hours than they get credit for. My statements above were ONLY to prove a point.


ETA and most of the teachers at DSs' schools are VERY grateful for the SAHMs who give of their time to help, so I am even more surprised that a teacher would post this.

I have to agree with your post even though it is in jest. I was a teacher before becoming a lazy sahm. The kids are only there 6 hours and I don't know a teacher then or now who spends an additional 6 hours planning their day. I call BS on that.

Regardless the best part of your post is that any teacher would appreciate the SAHM because they do so much to support the classroom teachers. I know I valued mine and am thrilled to be there to help out in my three kids classes. My youngest is only in PreK so I don't have full days, but I do know that even when he is in K and gone all day the schedules of the kids start times vary at each school so it really only works out to about 4 1/2 where there isn't a child at home. Does that mean I don't occasionally watch a tivo show, meet up for coffee or even will take a nap if I'm sick...of course I will. We all slack off from time to time, but I volunteer for everything, so there really isn't much slacker time left in a day when you add in household chores, shopping etc so our weekends aren't as hectic with running around for the kids sports.

 

[quandrea]

I'm uneasy with women being defined by the fact that they are mothers - whether SAHM or WM. Raising our kids is perhaps the most important thing we'll ever do, but it's still something we DO, it's not an identity. I think the fact that it has become one is what makes these discussions so intensely personal and contentious.[/QUOTE]

Fair enough. Staying home and raising my family is a huge part of my identity but it is only one facet of it. I am also a wife, a friend, an educator and on and on. I don't think you have to work to have an identity. I'm not saying you implied that, just emphasizing the point. What I think is too bad is it is often assumed that women who choose to be home relinquish all aspects of themselves other than that of mother. It's simply untrue and speaks to the motherism that has engulfed our culture.

 

[Mkrop]

Oh, but I'm a teacher and people do ask what I do all day. In fact, it is so common to ask what I do all day that they're revamping the evaluation process in many states "to hold us more accountable". Meanwhile, I'm sacrificing time with my own child to educate the children of others. If it's okay to question what I do all day, why is it not okay to question what you do all day? I am in the same camp as most of these other working moms. I work a 10 hour day with a 2 hour commute and still manage to cook, clean, shower, do laundry, and spend time with my kid.

There is a HUGE difference between your boss asking what you do all day in an evaluation process and some stranger/friend asking you. And I will repeat it, it is RUDE to ask anyone (besides a boss) what you do all day. I dont ask my doctor what he does all day, nor do I assume he is on the golf course all day.

And sacrificing time is not a choice for you, it is your job. Any parent who is working may be sacrificing time with their child, it doesnt matter what they do. And as a SAHM we are sacrificing as well, ours might be financial vs time. It is all about choice, if there are 2 parents in the picture. If it is a single parent household than obviously things would be quite different.

 

[Ceila]

I'm uneasy with women being defined by the fact that they are mothers - whether SAHM or WM. Raising our kids is perhaps the most important thing we'll ever do, but it's still something we DO, it's not an identity. I think the fact that it has become one is what makes these discussions so intensely personal and contentious.

I don't use SAHM and WOHM to define myself, even if I do use them to describe my situation in a discussion about that topic. But, I also have no problem using the term mother to define myself. I am a mother, and I'm proud of that. It might not be the only thing I am, but it's a major part of my life and one I'm happy to use to describe myself. I'm also a school librarian, music lover, and Disney nut, to name a few.