Sad news need Advice

[ash&abby'smom]

I found out this morning that a family we know lost there baby yesterday. They believe he passed away from SIDS. One of the siblings is in my daughters class and has been to my house a few times. I don't know what to do. Should I give them some space or do I call? Make food? What? I am at such a loss. I am so devastated for this family. I know some here have dealt with the loss of a child, please let me know what you feel is the best thing to do. I have know idea where to begin. Thank you and please pray for this family.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Oh no, that's absolutely horrible. I am so sorry for the poor family, what a tragedy. I have no advice at all. I suppose what you should or should not do depends on how close you are. Maybe some more details might help parents who've been through it guide you.

 

[3prettyprincesses]

Oh dear! How sad. Can I ask how close you are with this family? If you're fairly close, then a nice card and a meal would be kind. However, if it's just a family you see occassionally, they might not want to deal with such a deep, personal loss with someone they're not super close to. I don't know though, I've never dealt with this so my advice probably doesn't mean much. That poor family though, it's heartbreaking to hear things like that.

 

[ilovejack02]

A close friend just lost her child a little over a month ago. She wants space, but is so happy to receive text messages and emails. She doesnt answer phone much or even the door. We just drop food off every other day in a cooler outside her door and leave a pink sticky note on her back door window so she knows there has been a drop off.

We set up a calender to help us keep the food situation under control.

She sends out email updates via blog about once or twice a week on how she and the family are coping. I think the writing is great for her.

She knows we all love her, but as just can't face us right now, but is very appreciative of the prayers, cards, emails etc. Several people have sent her books on grief and she has talked about them helping her blog.

All of her friends have donated money to an charity in her son's name.. she LOVED that we did that!

She appreciates everyone and what they do for her even the people that she doesn't know well. We all know to keep up contact with her, but to keep our distance. I can't imagine what this is like, I will say some prayers for the family.

 

[glitterkittyy]

I found out this morning that a family we know lost there baby yesterday. They believe he passed away from SIDS. One of the siblings is in my daughters class and has been to my house a few times. I don't know what to do. Should I give them some space or do I call? Make food? What? I am at such a loss. I am so devastated for this family. I know some here have dealt with the loss of a child, please let me know what you feel is the best thing to do. I have know idea where to begin. Thank you and please pray for this family.

Well it just so happens that we had this happen just last week. My daughter's friend just lost her brother (older brother). He was crossing the street and was hit by a car...killed instantly. I do not know the family at all, but we have seen each other in passing. I decided to go to the showing with my daughter. We approached the parents and I introduced my daughter and said "Katie goes to school with Kayla. She wanted to be here for her. We're so sorry for your loss." I felt a bit awkward, but I thought it was the right thing to do for Katie and Kayla. Kayla was very happy that Katie came. She saw her and said "KayKay (her nickname for Katie), I didn't know you'd be here!" gave Katie a big hug and cried on her shoulder.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I think it's never wrong to send a card with a note expressing your condolences. A card to the living sibling from your child might be nice as well.

And I don't think it's ever wrong to make a kind gesture either. Why not wait a couple of weeks and call and offer to take your daughter's friend for an outing with your family? Or call and ask if she can come for a playdate? Mom might appreciate the break, and to know that her dd is having a good time whereas mom and dad might just not be up to any 'fun' things right now (understandably!). When you return the dd you can do so with a casserole or an open invite for another time.

 

[luvmy3]

I would send a sympathy card and maybe some food and let them know that you are there if they need anything. They may need sitters for their other children when taking care of the details of the service, you can let them know that you are available for your dd's friend if they need you.

My heart goes out to them, what a tragedy for a family to have to go through.

 

[Robinrs]

This happened to me and I counselled women who lost children at or near birth for 19 years.

Please give her a call and let her know you care. If you see her let her talk. Please refrain from saying anything, most "simple" statements can sting the most. Take your cues from her, everyone grieves differently.

It doesn't matter what your relationship is. Most of the people who helped me during my hardest time were people I barely knew, but had the heart to care. Some of my closest friends avoided me, not knowing what to say to me. That was SO painful then, and still is.

 

[RadioNate]

I've know 2 people this year who were affected by SIDS. I didn't know either well. You should absolutely send a card and do whatever you feel you can.

Don't ask them what they need. Call and leave a message, if they don't want to talk, they won't answer. Drop food off, they may need it for family coming in.

No matter how difficult it is, I learned that not saying something at all is much worse than the possibility of saying something wrong. And you can't go wrong with, I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[abdmom]

I haven't experienced the loss of a child, but I experienced the death of a spouse when my youngest was 5 months.

Don't ask them what they need. Call and leave a message, if they don't want to talk, they won't answer. Drop food off, they may need it for family coming in.

No matter how difficult it is, I learned that not saying something at all is much worse than the possibility of saying something wrong. And you can't go wrong with, I'm sorry for your loss.
____________

I really agree with the first sentence. You wouldn't ask someone who was lying bleeding on the street to let you know if they need anything, would you? Be proactive and offer to take their child for an outing.

Many people think that someone who has lost a member of their family will "recover" in a month or two or a year. It just doesn't happen. One person who was soo helpful to me after dh died was someone I didn't know well before his death. She had lost a young child, many years before. She called me on dh's birthday, she sends flowers on the anniversary of his death. She sends cards just to let me know that she's thinking of me etc., still, after 4 years. The hurt lasts a very very long time. I don't think it will ever go away. Having someone remember is so important. Make a note of the baby's birthdate and death anniversary and send cards.

 

[nmmom95]

I lost a newborn 8 years ago. I agree with Robin. So many well meaning people said the wrong thing. I actually got a "you can always have more." Listen, but don't ask a lot of questions. If you feel you need to give them some space, send a card to let them know you are there. I'm so sorry.

 

[nmmom95]

I just read abdmom's response, and it reminded me...for what would have been my son's 1st birthday, DH's aunt had a star named after him. It was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

 

[RadioNate]

I lost a newborn 8 years ago. I agree with Robin. So many well meaning people said the wrong thing. I actually got a "you can always have more." Listen, but don't ask a lot of questions. If you feel you need to give them some space, send a card to let them know you are there. I'm so sorry.

I take my previous statement back...apparently you can go horribly wrong when saying something.

I like the idea of offering to have your daughter's friend come over any time she wants. Warn your daughter that she may want to talk about her sibling and that is ok.

 

[auntie]

I don't know if this will help....or if it's a case of TMI..but I thought I'd share this with you. I lost my daughter 23 years ago. My older son was in kindergarden at the time. We were new to the area. I can't tell you how incredibly kind the mom's in my son's class were to me. They didn't know me very long. we only met for the first time in September of that school year. My daughter passed away later in June, after unsuccessful open heart surgery. We came to know one another as mom's do waiting for the kids in the afternoon, and participating in various classroom activities for the older kids. All of the mom's came to her funeral..even my son's teacher came. I was very surprised to see such a sign of support.
We used to have coffee or lunch at one another's homes. I thought that might stop when I didn't have my daughter to bring along with me..as they all had younger ones as well. Nope...they wouldn't have it. In fact, they had me more involved with PTA and the classroom activities then I ever would have done on my own. They let me talk when I had the need and they listened. These women who hardly knew me, and were under no obligation to bare my grief along with me. They could have walked away. They could have sent a card, and walked away..but they didn't.

I made two very good friends back then..that I still have today. They came into my life when I needed them most. Very often the people closests to you are also grieving ..and while they may want to be of comfort to you, it's a reflection of your own pain you see in their eyes. It's very difficult. Other's just can't deal with it at all..(as if it's something catching..and they're afraid)..and they fade away.
I'm happy to say that two of the women who helped me back then are still very much a part of my life. They have never forgotten my daughter, and will always remember her birthday, or the anniversary of the day of her death. After so much time..it's seldom that anyone remembers...or those that do, hesitate to say anything. As if you don't think of your child everyday anyway. You don't put a child in the ground and walk away from that un-changed. It's not something you ever get over..but something that if you are lucky enough..you learn to live with. It becomes a part of who you are.
My one friend has had some very tough times in recent years,..and she told me recently that I was the one who got her through them. She told me that whenever she was feeling sorry for herself, she would drive past my house..and tell herself, that if I was able to get through my daughters death..that she could deal with her situation. (divorce..after a very long marriage). So you see...sometimes that hand you extend today, may be something that develops into a lifetime friendship.
Or..it may just be a life line that that person needs for that very moment. Either way your kindness will be appreciated.
By all means...call, send a card..drop off a meal. Ask her out for coffee one day. You sound like a very thoughful, kind person...they can use that right now.

 

[Slippy]

When I suffered a devastating loss, every voicemail, card, and email was appreciated. It DID mean a lot to me that some people cared enough to "risk" the awkwardness to let me know that they cared. Personally, I think that this is the thing to do (to reach out in some way).

I was also brought a nice big dish of macaroni and cheese (my favorite...) which was a sweet, and appreciated, gesture.

All of her friends have donated money to an charity in her son's name.. she LOVED that we did that!

For what it is worth, the Hidden Mickey for Haiti fund raiser is 3/4 of the way toward reaching the goal. No one has made any pledge thus far for the "naming rights," if you will. Take a look at the thread if this is something that might interest you.

It says a lot about your character that you have sought advice like this!

 

[dr_zero]

Many people think that someone who has lost a member of their family will "recover" in a month or two or a year. It just doesn't happen. One person who was soo helpful to me after dh died was someone I didn't know well before his death. She had lost a young child, many years before. She called me on dh's birthday, she sends flowers on the anniversary of his death. She sends cards just to let me know that she's thinking of me etc., still, after 4 years. The hurt lasts a very very long time. I don't think it will ever go away. Having someone remember is so important. Make a note of the baby's birthdate and death anniversary and send cards.

Not to knock you in any way this is just me but I have a relative that does this and I cannot stand it one bit, It really ticks me off. I do not need a reminder that someone I loved left on that day. Just about everyday at some point I remember the loved ones I have lost but I remember the fun and joy we had not the sad times.

I had rather celebrate their life than to remember their passing I guess.

 

[Robinrs]

Not to knock you in any way this is just me but I have a relative that does this and I cannot stand it one bit, It really ticks me off. I do not need a reminder that someone I loved left on that day. Just about everyday at some point I remember the loved ones I have lost but I remember the fun and joy we had not the sad times.

I had rather celebrate their life than to remember their passing I guess.

Like I said, everyone grieves differently.

I personally LOVE it when someone acknowledges the birthday of a loved one, it shows me they haven't forgotten them.

I still celebrate my son's birthday, and he would've been 24 this year. He is still my son.

 

[3prettyprincesses]

I don't know if this will help....or if it's a case of TMI..but I thought I'd share this with you. I lost my daughter 23 years ago. My older son was in kindergarden at the time. We were new to the area. I can't tell you how incredibly kind the mom's in my son's class were to me. They didn't know me very long. we only met for the first time in September of that school year. My daughter passed away later in June, after unsuccessful open heart surgery. We came to know one another as mom's do waiting for the kids in the afternoon, and participating in various classroom activities for the older kids. All of the mom's came to her funeral..even my son's teacher came. I was very surprised to see such a sign of support.
We used to have coffee or lunch at one another's homes. I thought that might stop when I didn't have my daughter to bring along with me..as they all had younger ones as well. Nope...they wouldn't have it. In fact, they had me more involved with PTA and the classroom activities then I ever would have done on my own. They let me talk when I had the need and they listened. These women who hardly knew me, and were under no obligation to bare my grief along with me. They could have walked away. They could have sent a card, and walked away..but they didn't.

I made two very good friends back then..that I still have today. They came into my life when I needed them most. Very often the people closests to you are also grieving ..and while they may want to be of comfort to you, it's a reflection of your own pain you see in their eyes. It's very difficult. Other's just can't deal with it at all..(as if it's something catching..and they're afraid)..and they fade away.
I'm happy to say that two of the women who helped me back then are still very much a part of my life. They have never forgotten my daughter, and will always remember her birthday, or the anniversary of the day of her death. After so much time..it's seldom that anyone remembers...or those that do, hesitate to say anything. As if you don't think of your child everyday anyway. You don't put a child in the ground and walk away from that un-changed. It's not something you ever get over..but something that if you are lucky enough..you learn to live with. It becomes a part of who you are.
My one friend has had some very tough times in recent years,..and she told me recently that I was the one who got her through them. She told me that whenever she was feeling sorry for herself, she would drive past my house..and tell herself, that if I was able to get through my daughters death..that she could deal with her situation. (divorce..after a very long marriage). So you see...sometimes that hand you extend today, may be something that develops into a lifetime friendship.
Or..it may just be a life line that that person needs for that very moment. Either way your kindness will be appreciated.
By all means...call, send a card..drop off a meal. Ask her out for coffee one day. You sound like a very thoughful, kind person...they can use that right now.

This was so sweet of you to share and brought tears to my eyes. How wonderful those women were to you in your time of need. It just makes me feel so good to read about people reaching out to someone in this way. Thank you for sharing that, I'm sure the OP was looking for exactly this kind of advice from someone who knows.

 

[robinb]

How terrible! In addition to what others have suggested, maybe you could offer to take the little girl for a play date.

 

[2binak]

This happened to me and I counselled women who lost children at or near birth for 19 years.

Please give her a call and let her know you care. If you see her let her talk. Please refrain from saying anything, most "simple" statements can sting the most. Take your cues from her, everyone grieves differently.

It doesn't matter what your relationship is. Most of the people who helped me during my hardest time were people I barely knew, but had the heart to care. Some of my closest friends avoided me, not knowing what to say to me. That was SO painful then, and still is.

We lost our first DD midway through my pregnancy. She lived for a few short hours and the loss was devistating to us and those closest to us. The people closest to us had no idea what to say or how to go about reaching out to us. Some of them couldn't even pick up the phone to call us because they just didn't know how to start the conversation. We found that talking about our baby, the condition that she had and our experience was the best therapy for us though so we started to reach out to people. We had to start the converstations though as again, people weren't sure what to say. Once we started to open up, people were more comfortable asking questions and reaching out to us. I think a simple card or phone message would be appropriate. Like Robin said, don't say anything other than "I'm sorry for your loss. I'm here if you need to talk." Many of the things people said to us were more hurtful than helpful, though I know to them, they thought they were being supportive & helpful.

Like I said, everyone grieves differently.

I personally LOVE it when someone acknowledges the birthday of a loved one, it shows me they haven't forgotten them.

I still celebrate my son's birthday, and he would've been 24 this year. He is still my son.

It tears me up inside when people don't remember the day our DD was born. I would love for someone to remember our DD in such a special way.