Rules for teens?

[mjkacmom]

Of course not every kid is having sex. Not every kid is drinking or doing drugs, or texting while they drive either.
It doesn't mean as parents we should wait until the night they decide to do that activity to discuss it with them

Especially if there is an over 50% chance...

 

[disneychrista]

I feel obligated to point out that not every single teen is having sex.

While this is very true. You, as the parent, don't have a choice in whether they do or not. Yes you can influence their choice(s) but in the end the choice is theirs. So arming them with information and the ability to protect themselves & their partner is important. You also don't know which one's will or won't. My youngest was 15 her first time. She was an honor student, in advance classes and all around "good girl." Shocked me when I found out. So don't assume because your child is a straight laced means they won't. I too was pretty straight laced. Friends would joke and call me "Sister Mary Christa." I got pregnant at the end of Senior Year.

 

[ronandannette]

yes it does

Well, technically speaking, it's not the purity ring, it's abstinence that would be effective. I'm 100% in favour of abstinence before marriage; we are a very conservative, Christian family. I'm very taken aback though by your earlier comment about never addressing sex prior to your DD's wedding day. How are kids supposed to even know what parental expectations are if they're never expressed? How do parents inform, influence and guide kids without thoroughly discussing the issue - both asking and answering questions? And we're not talking a one-time lecture here; shouldn't this be an on-going, age-appropriate topic of conversation? It's really quite important, what ever values you hold.

It actually seems kind of cruel to withhold that kind of communication with your kids; especially if you have a specific expectation of them. You do know that your DD had been informed by many others, right? School, friends, social media, movies and tv; heck, they even discussed it semi-regularly in my DS's church youth group during the high-school years. Unless you raised her in a cave (with no wifi - ha!) she had many other voices influencing her, including her own ignorance and imagination. There's no way I would have left my son to navigate today's crazy world on his own. Why would you?

 

[DLgal]

Here is the bottom line. Whatever rules you make WILL be broken. So, I would suggest not going overboard on the rule setting. Trust me, even "good kids" can do some crazy stuff in HS with their parents being none the wiser. The more rules you impose, the more your kids will push against them and do what they want. I got away with SO MUCH because I was a "good kid." My parents were super strict, but they really had NO way to know for sure where we were and what we were doing. And, they largely were completely clueless because we simply lied a lot. We all grew up to be productive adults, and are all married with kids at this point. None of us got arrested, pregnant, or even got bad grades. There would have been a lot less drama if my parents had been a bit more lenient, because their rules were really over the top.

Give your daughters condoms and teach them to INSIST on using them EVERY TIME. No condom, no sex. Teach them about STDs, not just pregnancy. Do the same for your sons. Explain the hard line about not driving or riding with anyone who is under the influence of ANYTHING (alcohol, pot, other drugs). Be there for rescue rides home, under any circumstances and with no questions asked. Ask your kids to tell you when they become sexually active and, for your own sanity, make a rule that they can't "get busy" while you are home (and then just be home as much as possible.)

I guess I have it easy with teen sons who have NO social life. They are autistic and have no desire to see friends outside school. Whew...I get to sit back and watch all the other parents stress out for the next 5 years.

 

[wgeo]

Of course not every kid is having sex. Not every kid is drinking or doing drugs, or texting while they drive either.
It doesn't mean as parents we should wait until the night they decide to do that activity to discuss it with them

Of course, which is why I mentioned directly that we routinely discuss everything in my family. I was just referencing earlier posts were it was pretty much assumed that every kid was having sex in high school.

 

[wgeo]

While this is very true. You, as the parent, don't have a choice in whether they do or not. Yes you can influence their choice(s) but in the end the choice is theirs. So arming them with information and the ability to protect themselves & their partner is important. You also don't know which one's will or won't. My youngest was 15 her first time. She was an honor student, in advance classes and all around "good girl." Shocked me when I found out. So don't assume because your child is a straight laced means they won't. I too was pretty straight laced. Friends would joke and call me "Sister Mary Christa." I got pregnant at the end of Senior Year.

Of course I'm not assuming - which is why I specifically mentioned how much and how often we discuss this topic in my house. I just get frustrated when everyone just assumes that all kids are having sex, which is very much not true. But yes - we talk about - my kids would roll their eyes but they can tell you the average failure rates of both the pill and condoms. I sure hope they wait for awhile, but if they don't I've given as much info as I possibly can.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think other types of “more casual” sex are probably more common with these younger generations than intercourse was for ours - or theirs. (There, I said it!) These are things that need to be talked about, as well. For instance, herpes from a cold sore can be transmitted to genitalia via oral sex, and that’s man to woman, and woman to man, or any combination. These are things they need to know about because once they get it, there’s no going back. (It happened to a friend of mine and it devastated her life. ) I prefer abstinence, too, but we have to be realistic and give them the tools they need to make good decisions if they happen to go down those roads. I mentioned hands under blankets before. Touching can happen even with parents and others right nearby. If they want to do it they will find a way, especially when relationships get “comfortable”.

 

[DLgal]

I think other types of “more casual” sex are probably more common with these younger generations than intercourse was for ours - or theirs. (There, I said it!) These are things that need to be talked about, as well. For instance, herpes from a cold sore can be transmitted to genitalia via oral sex, and that’s man to woman, and woman to man, or any combination. These are things they need to know about because once they get it, there’s no going back. (It happened to a friend of mine and it devastated her life. ) I prefer abstinence, too, but we have to be realistic and give them the tools they need to make good decisions if they happen to go down those roads. I mentioned hands under blankets before. Touching can happen even with parents and others right nearby. If they want to do it they will find a way, especially when relationships get “comfortable”.

I was going to say the same thing. MOST kids these days aren't having traditional intercourse. They are doing EVERYTHING ELSE though. Everything else.

They need to know the risks, beyond pregnancy, of unprotected sexual contact. In some cases, pregnancy is a better outcome...

 

[ronandannette]

I was going to say the same thing. MOST kids these days aren't having traditional intercourse. They are doing EVERYTHING ELSE though. Everything else.

They need to know the risks, beyond pregnancy, of unprotected sexual contact. In some cases, pregnancy is a better outcome...

Sadly but truly, parents who advocate abstinence for their kids for moral reasons have to explain to them that these acts are actually sex. It's shocking how even very young kids are engaging in some of these behaviours and how even the more mature ones honestly believe that oral sex, anal sex and any combination of rubbing parts short of penetration is not sex. Can anyone tell me how this bizarre train of thought has taken hold?

 

[DisneyOma]

Make sure they know how catastrophic it would be to either get pregnant or get someone pregnant.

Make sure they know how to use condoms and have them if they are a boy, and if they are a girl support them in getting a coil or getting on the pill.

Remember that everything apart from a baby is fixable and abstinence it a fairy tale.

Drug overdose is not fixable. A driving accident with fatalities or serious bodily injury is not fixable. HIV is not totally fixable either.

I think girls should have them too. I gave some to my daughters and told them to tell me if they needed more, even if they were for friends. My youngest was on the pill since 8th grade for horrible periods, so she was covered.

Covered for pregnancy, but not STDs.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

And just to bring this up in regards to HS kids answering surveys about sex. Studies have shown that in some cases (? many cases) they don't consider oral [and now other types of sex] as sex, so when they answer that they haven't had sex yet, the numbers may be skewed if they've had other types of sex but not identified them as such.

From the National Institutes of Health:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC556150/

 

[disneychrista]

Covered for pregnancy, but not STDs.

Did you miss the first part where she had condoms too?

 

[disneychrista]

Funny that teens aren't thinking oral sex is "sex" but personally find it to be more intimate the p/v sex.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I feel obligated to point out that not every single teen is having sex.

You're absolutely right but I also think knowledge is power; kept in the dark or purposefully mis-lead in the information given can lead to behavior one was trying to avoid to begin with.

I say this generally speaking because you've already said you routinely talk to your children about it.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Sadly but truly, parents who advocate abstinence for their kids for moral reasons have to explain to them that these acts are actually sex. It's shocking how even very young kids are engaging in some of these behaviours and how even the more mature ones honestly believe that oral sex, anal sex and any combination of rubbing parts short of penetration is not sex. Can anyone tell me how this bizarre train of thought has taken hold?

Great minds think alike!

But to answer your question, this has been studied a great deal. This explains it very well, from the article I linked above:

Oral sex, the teenagers said, was less risky than v (abbreviated for this site, but full text can be read in link above) sex, considering the health, social, and emotional consequences. They also thought oral sex was more acceptable than v sex for people of their age and was less of a threat to their values and beliefs. They felt that more teenagers will have oral sex and wait to have v sex until they are married.

"Adolescents in this study believed that they are less likely to get a bad reputation, get into trouble, feel bad about themselves, or feel guilty from having oral as compared with v sex...and [that it is] less of a threat to one's relationship with one's partner," the authors wrote.

However, the teenagers underestimated the risk of contracting chlamydia or HIV through oral sex. The authors write that, although low, the risk is not zero, as some adolescents believe.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I didn't have a curfew growing up but I also didn't have a car til my senior year. I still went out when I was 15,16,17,etc but it was always my responsibility to get up. Given that most mornings I got up at 6am for high school I wasn't too interested during the school week at least to stay up and out too late. I also stayed that night at friend's houses and would go to school from there (2 of them lived within walking distance to high school) every now and then. Weekends I still didn't have a curfew but more often than not I just arranged to stay at a friend's house or they stayed over at my house.

I don't think there is anything wrong with her giving you a quick run down of her plans especially starting it at age 15 you can loosen up over time with needing to know every single small detail. I'm not exactly sure I would make her text you at every place she's at like "I'm at the movie now, we're done with the movie, on to steak 'n shake, on my way home" but I do think if anything changes she runs that by you first and I don't think there's anything wrong with a quick text no matter what that she's on her way home.

 

[ronandannette]

Great minds think alike!

But to answer your question, this has been studied a great deal. This explains it very well, from the article I linked above:

Oral sex, the teenagers said, was less risky than v (abbreviated for this site, but full text can be read in link above) sex, considering the health, social, and emotional consequences. They also thought oral sex was more acceptable than v sex for people of their age and was less of a threat to their values and beliefs. They felt that more teenagers will have oral sex and wait to have v sex until they are married.

"Adolescents in this study believed that they are less likely to get a bad reputation, get into trouble, feel bad about themselves, or feel guilty from having oral as compared with v sex...and [that it is] less of a threat to one's relationship with one's partner," the authors wrote.

However, the teenagers underestimated the risk of contracting chlamydia or HIV through oral sex. The authors write that, although low, the risk is not zero, as some adolescents believe.

I understand the article but I couldn't disagree more with this part. I unapologetically believe that many girls are sickeningly exploited by boys in this regard.

Hi @1GoldenSun Sorry your simple thread about curfews and driving has gone so far OT. Sometimes these things just take on a life of their own.

 

[disneychrista]

Hi @1GoldenSun Sorry your simple thread about curfews and driving has gone so far OT. Sometimes these things just take on a life of their own.

Earlier today when while reading new posts on this thread and couldn't even remember what the original topic was...oops.

 

[disneychrista]

However, the teenagers underestimated the risk of contracting chlamydia or HIV through oral sex. The authors write that, although low, the risk is not zero, as some adolescents believe.

HPV can be transmitted orally too which can lead to throat cancer.

 

[tcufrog]

Doesn’t the purity ring have a100% effectivness?

The only ring that's close to 100% effective is the NuvaRing and that's 91-97% effective.

According to an NiH study, along with many other studies, abstinence-based sex education often has the opposite effect.