RSVP'ing? Do you do it?

[JennaTX]

I cannot stand people who do not RSVP.

I swear if was not for my children and their friends they invite and how hurt their feelings would be, I would tell them sorry you cannot come to the party when they showed up for the party and did not RSVP.

Of course I would never do that, but I would like to!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You could always pull the

"We are having a party for DS on X date. If you would like to attend please call or email by X date for details."

That way you will not have any surprise no shows. It is really nuts as to why people do not RSVP anymore.

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

Are these paper invites, or e-vites? While I agree it's rude not to RSVP (one time when I did, the mom was actually shocked I had called, LOL), maybe we need to switch over to e-vites? You'd think more people would be able to click "yes" or "no" than go through alllllll that trouble of hefting those HUGE RSVP envelopes into the mailbox?

Dunno. Might get more responses, anyway?

 

[Christine]

I always RSVP too and have had issues that everyone else has. No RSVPs but everyone showed up.

Since so many of us (all) on this thread RSVP, can we draw the conclusion that people who don't RSVP don't read The DIS. We always have these RSVP threads and many people claim to RSVP. No one ever admits that they blow it off. So where are these people?

 

[onelilspark]

I always RSVP as soon as I know if I can come or not. Drives me absolutely batty when people don't.

...Here is another related gripe that I have...when I receive an invitation, and the RSVP has a date ("please reply by September 20th") why does the hostess get all worked up if she hasn't heard from people by, say, the 12th? I was invited to a wedding that was far away, and I was really hoping to go but I was watching airfares, hoping for a sale. About 10 days before the response was due, a family member called and wanted to know what was the plan because the bride was anxious. Hey, if she needed to know so early, why didn't she put down an earlier date?...but I digress....

We had a wedding this summer to go to, in July. There was still a month before the RSVP was due and we were getting messages asking us if we were coming. We had to travel, and weren't 100% sure if we could because it was a Friday night wedding on top of it. We still sent the RSVP 2 weeks before it was "due."

 

[pyrxtc]

thank you ! I keep meaning to reply to the invite I got for my DS but after we looked at it, we forgot about it completely with everything going on during the first few weeks of school. I feel really bad that we didn't call earlier.

 

[chellewashere]

I hate when folks dont RSVP. We hang the invite on our fridge so its there and we make sure to call or email yes or no. My DD has a masquerade party every year for her birthday which a lot of thought and preperation goes into. Last year was the first time a mom from her class actually called to RSVP and find out if parents stayed or left.

The ohter thing that has gone out...THANK YOU cards. My DH's cousin had a huge baby shower for her first child and told me she wasnt going to send them out because it was stupid since she thanked everyone for the gift when she opened it. My SIL wouldnt have sent out hers for her bridal shower if I didnt already have them stamped and have everyone write their address on the envelope for one of the games we played. Maybe its an age thing since Im in my 40's and they are in their 20's. Same with my DDs friends from school Im the old mom in the class and do things via Emily Post

 

[Pixieflip]

Yeah, I know. As a mom who runs a business based on people hosting events in their homes, I can also report that RSVPing is a thing of the past. It never occurred to me that perhaps they are waiting for a better offer. I guess I just feel like it is another sign of how ridiculously busy we let ourselves get. We're over-committed, over-scheduled and getting worse every day. People don't even have the energy to RSVP.

If I let it really, really bother me, I'd go crazy and get a different job. What I tell my hosts is that people take the invite as more of a "Save the Date" kind of thing. We also give them a call when we send out the invite and then again a few days before the event. If we just accept the responsibility of contacting them (yes, like children who need hand held) then at least we have a good showing and can also know exactly who is attending. It usually takes 3 types of contact for it to really register in their brains and get it on the calendar.

More work? Yes. But it does work this way and I'd rather do it and have a better event than leave it up to wondering if anyone is coming.

 

[design_mom]

I try to RSVP and I know it's good manners, but I'll admit that sometimes I've screwed up. (It's never because we're "weighing our offers.")

I will add an invitation pet peeve. I *hate* invitations that come home in school backpacks. Those are the ones that don't get RSVPed to.

When the invites come in the backpack, they often get opened on the bus and unless I happen to hear about it, I don't even know that they've been invited until after the party. Sometimes I'll see an invite in the after-school meelee of emptying backpacks/snack/homework/ but it gets snatched by an eager invitee instead of ending up in the "important stuff for Mom" pile. Unless I remember to follow-up ("Hey, where's that invitation you got?"), the next time I hear about the party is after it's been missed. Really, I don't *mean* to be rude.

I much prefer the invites to come through the mail (or I'll even take an e-mail!). I usually handle the mail at a time when I can concentrate on it, and we check the calendar and RSVP immediately.

We're having DS's first "friend" party in two weeks. It's also our first "out of house" party. I sent his invitations through the mail last weekend and have already heard from more than half. I left myself a couple of days between the times that RSVPs are due and when I have to give a "count" to the venue. I intend to call parents who don't respond.

 

[horseshowmom]

You could always pull the

"We are having a party for DS on X date. If you would like to attend please call or email by X date for details."

That way you will not have any surprise no shows. It is really nuts as to why people do not RSVP anymore.

Sadly, I think it's about gotten to that point - particularly with children's parties.

The ohter thing that has gone out...THANK YOU cards. My DH's cousin had a huge baby shower for her first child and told me she wasnt going to send them out because it was stupid since she thanked everyone for the gift when she opened it. My SIL wouldnt have sent out hers for her bridal shower if I didnt already have them stamped and have everyone write their address on the envelope for one of the games we played. Maybe its an age thing since Im in my 40's and they are in their 20's. Same with my DDs friends from school Im the old mom in the class and do things via Emily Post

I agree with this for the most part, but I don't think it's an age thing. My daughter made sure that she had her thank you cards out within a week of receiving her wedding gifts (and actually had people comment to her that they appreciated it because they had so many they never heard from ). She had a very busy schedule, but her perspective was that if she had time to accept the gift, she had time to properly thank the person for it. She grew up writing thank you notes from the time she was little and was accustomed to it, so she takes it as the norm.

Yes, I've read on the Dis several times that "you shouldn't give a gift expecting a thank you note", that "you should give it because you want to give it". There are rules of etiquette for a reason, and the proper thing is to thank those who thought of you. It takes a LOT less time to properly thank them than it took for them to provide your gift (shopping, wrapping, delivery, etc.).

My daughter sent a gift to a baby shower for one of her husband's friends. She had prior plans scheduled for the day of the shower and was unable to attend (she did RSVP to let them know, but she sent the gift with someone). She had a baby quilt custom made for the baby with her name on it along with some outfits that matched the quilt. The total cost was pretty expensive, and they don't have a lot of money right now, but she tried to make it really nice since the girl had grown up with her husband. She never got a thank you note or a thank you of any kind, but she did hear that the girl was bad because she didn't come to the shower (even though DD explained why). DD had people who couldn't make it to her showers, but she always appreciated their kindness in sending her a gift anyway. Some people are way too wrapped up in themselves...

We had a wedding this summer to go to, in July. There was still a month before the RSVP was due and we were getting messages asking us if we were coming. We had to travel, and weren't 100% sure if we could because it was a Friday night wedding on top of it. We still sent the RSVP 2 weeks before it was "due."

I agree that that was rude. In our case, we made our RSVP due date a couple of weeks early. We waited a week after the deadline before we started making polite inquiries. That gave us one more week to get the information for the caterer.

 

[rodeo65]

HUGE peeve of mine too!

I always RSVP when I get the invitation. The one time I didn't (that I'm aware of) was last year when DS forgot to bring it home. They invitations were handed out at school and he stuck his in his desk and never brouoght it home. I found out a couple of weeks after the party and felt so bad that I still called and apologized.

We have several big parties every year. One at Christmas, One for Canada Day and sometimes Hallowe'en. Plus a birthday party each for our two kids. In JK and SK responses were pretty good. After that it went seriously downhill. This year we skipped Canada Day (we'd just moved the week before) and are not planning the Christmas party (heading to see the mouse!!) We're doing DDs first slumber party for her birthday in two weeks and are having WAY fewer guests invited. Because of this I e-mailed the five moms first to make sure the date worked for everyone. They all responded the same day. The invitations will go out tomorrow but are just a formality for DD to write them herself, she's so excited.

I have tried 'RSVP by' dates, longer time frame invitations, shorter time frame invitations, regrets only. Nothing seems to make much difference. People just don't bother. I always have an extra two or three loot bags on hand, but it floors me when either, people don't show after saying they will, OR bring the sibling and expect to be able to drop them as well since it's "only one more kid and they have a couple of errands to run; you don't mind do you?" Ummm, if siblings are invited I state that clearly on the invitation, if not, yeah, I mind. Not an aftercare service or weekend daycare here!

As for thankyous...I have noticed a trend to having a generic thank you attached to a loot bag. "Thanks for your gift and for coming to my party." I guess it's better than nothing but I take pictures of my kids with each of their friends at their party and take them to the grocery and have them developed with a cute border and space to write. I make the kids write their own thank yous for the specific gift and what they like about it. Funny how this year we are inviting 5 girls over the 22 from last year.

 

[mjkacmom]

I've learned to send out invitations no sooner than 1 1/2 weeks in advance. If they go out too soon, most people will not RSVP, not because they are waiting for something better, but something more important than a kid's birthday party might come up. I always RSVP, but honestly, a birthday party is at the bottom of my list of important events (unless it's a close friend, of course), and we're so busy, I usually wait until the RSVP date to respond.

I've hosted tons of birthday parties, and there were only a couple when everyone RSVP'd.

 

[RadioNate]

I think most people don't understand RSVP's. I think you need to be clear and put on there Regrets Only or something so they know they are supposed to call if they can't come. I would also always include an email address because that is how so many people communicate these days.

I agree. In FL the norm seemed to be call if you are coming, ignore if you aren't attending.

We had to be very specific and couldn't just put RSVP. It needed to say...please call or email and let us know if you are coming or not.

Email was an absolute must. No one calls. The 1 time I listed my cel phone, I got texts.

 

[ilovepete]

I always RSVP but it seems most don't.

I started using E-Vite though and have had better luck there. You can send out reminders and stuff, it makes it pretty easy.

 

[mjkacmom]

I will add an invitation pet peeve. I *hate* invitations that come home in school backpacks. Those are the ones that don't get RSVPed to.
.

Really? 99% of our invitations come in the backpacks. Most of the time, I have no idea where the kids live. Now, when they're older, and picking and chosing friends, this is easier, and if you don't invite the whole class, they can't go in the backpacks. But in the lower grades, my kids think everyone is their friend.

 

[horseshowmom]

As for thankyous...I have noticed a trend to having a generic thank you attached to a loot bag. "Thanks for your gift and for coming to my party." I guess it's better than nothing but I take pictures of my kids with each of their friends at their party and take them to the grocery and have them developed with a cute border and space to write. I make the kids write their own thank yous for the specific gift and what they like about it. Funny how this year we are inviting 5 girls over the 22 from last year.

I agree about the generic thank you notes. I just received one for a baby shower gift. I had bought something nice off their registry, and I had also handmade them a Disney princess baby blanket (the first I had ever done, and I was really excited over how well it turned out). The thank you note said thank you for your gift and that was pretty much it. I couldn't help but think that at least they did send out something.

I did the same as you with the thank you cards - the specific gift and what they liked about it or how they were going to use it, etc. I do think the picture idea is cute - never thought of that.

We did a few large parties (rented the pool, skating rink, etc.), but the aggravation began to outweigh the fun and moved to smaller parties that worked better all the way around.

 

[rodeo65]

I agree about the generic thank you notes. I just received one for a baby shower gift. I had bought something nice off their registry, and I had also handmade them a Disney princess baby blanket (the first I had ever done, and I was really excited over how well it turned out). The thank you note said thank you for your gift and that was pretty much it. I couldn't help but think that at least they did send out something.

I did the same as you with the thank you cards - the specific gift and what they liked about it or how they were going to use it, etc. I do think the picture idea is cute - never thought of that.

We did a few large parties (rented the pool, skating rink, etc.), but the aggravation began to outweigh the fun and moved to smaller parties that worked better all the way around.

THAT is rude. When someone goes to the trouble of MAKING something special you can, at the very least, aknowledge the uniqueness!!

I love doing the picture thank yous. I have them developed and ready in minutes and it costs pennies per picture. Of course the kids love to see a photo of themselves.

Yep, we're tiring of the huge parties. DH nearly killed me but one Christmas party had 140 invited guests - to our house. I LOVE throwing parties and he enjoys them in the moment but would prefer to skip it given the work involved. Next year, once I get this new house painted (and buy some furniture for the living room - we've ended up with an extra room over our old house), I'll do another Christmas one but smaller. That really huge one was the year we switched schools and had friends from two schools, neighbours, family and friends. It was insane. Fun! But insane.

 

[design_mom]

Really? 99% of our invitations come in the backpacks. Most of the time, I have no idea where the kids live. Now, when they're older, and picking and chosing friends, this is easier, and if you don't invite the whole class, they can't go in the backpacks. But in the lower grades, my kids think everyone is their friend.

Really. I hate invites in backpacks.

I could sort of understand it in preschool, but still hated it. In elementary school (where my kids are now), they publish a school directory with addresses and phone numbers. I much prefer the invites in the mail.

Most of DS's (4th grade) come in the mail now and usually he has a "heads up" from the friend to be watching for it, but he gets invited to fewer parties now and mainly they're for his good friends. DD (1st grade) still gets quite a few in the backpack (and she's the one who doesn't always give them to me). As you suggested, I'd guess the whole class was invited because most of the time, I've never heard her mention the birthday child before...but I would still RSVP, if I had the invite.

 

[chellewashere]

I thought I was the only one who did picture thank yous. Since she has her birthday party around Halloween and always chooses to have everone come in costume I always take a picture of her with the guest and then we put them in a silly frame that she makes and give them as her thank you card with a little hangtag thanking them for what it was they gave her and what she did or will do with it. Glad to know other folks say thank you too.
I was actually told that you dont send thank yous for birthday parties but to me it seems the right thing to do.
I like the evite idea might have to give that awhirl this year.

 

[EMom]

Really. I hate invites in backpacks.

I could sort of understand it in preschool, but still hated it. In elementary school (where my kids are now), they publish a school directory with addresses and phone numbers. I much prefer the invites in the mail.

Most of DS's (4th grade) come in the mail now and usually he has a "heads up" from the friend to be watching for it, but he gets invited to fewer parties now and mainly they're for his good friends. DD (1st grade) still gets quite a few in the backpack (and she's the one who doesn't always give them to me). As you suggested, I'd guess the whole class was invited because most of the time, I've never heard her mention the birthday child before...but I would still RSVP, if I had the invite.

Where we live, they come home in backpacks. Our district is freaky about privacy and so are the parents. Yes, we have a directory, but it comes out after DD's birthday. Even then, it has no addresses. They stopped that a few years ago. You might get a phone number. Half the class won't even be listed. You have to "opt in." People often aren't listed in the phone book. Plus, people at DD's school move from house to house like crazy. Just because they moved into a new house last year doesn't mean they're still there.....They may live in a NEW new house this year. So even if they WERE in the phone book, there's a good chance it would be an old address. The directory doesn't list email addresses. Nope, there is no way to get those invitations in the mail. Can't have DD ask the girls for their addresses, because they'll get in trouble for socializing, etc. So I have to rely on backpacks.