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[renae3]

H

 

[woodkins]

Hi everyone,
I have a dilemna and needed some advice, so of course I came to you guys! My husband's brother is getting married and he just found out he is not in the wedding party. A bit of some background info...he was my husband's best man 10 years ago, over the years they have had some ups and downs, and it is true they are not close...but my husband is so hurt about the whole thing. He is having a friend as his best man and 3 other friends will also be ushers. My husband said I guess he didn't make the top 4! No seriously, he is very hurt and on top of all this they asked our 2 sons, ages 4 and 7 to be ringbearers. They barely know our kids, so we see this as just having symmetry. My husbands other sister, who his brother is very close to will be performing the ceremony (she is a minister) and her 2 girls are also flowergirls, again he is very close with them. Anyway, we originally had said yes to our boys being in the wedding, but now my husband is so hurt he is considering taking them out....what should he do? Should he confront his brother, do nothing or something else? In the past my husband has maintained always doing the right thing even though his brother has not...but this is so big, I mean not having him in the wedding party makes a big statement I think. Anyone have any advice for my terribly hurt and angry husband? Thanks so much!

I think your dh has to do what he feels in his heart. I think he should talk to his brother about it if it is bugging him so much. I am on the opposite side of this problem. I have a brother getting married who I am not close with & I was asked to be a bridesmaid & my dd to be a jr bridesmaid. I feel obligated to be in the wedding as my 2 other siblings are also in the wedding, but I would love to save my $$ and opt out. Good luck with whatever he decides.

 

[marius97]

Sorry, but he has no reason to be upset. By his own admition, he is not that close to his brother. The wedding is all about his brother and new wife. I'd rather have my close friends stand up for me than someone who is a not close family member.

 

[henry72]

The wedding is not about your husband. It is about his brother and his brother's future wife. He can certainly talk to his brother about it but his brother has every right to include who he wants in the wedding. It would have been nice if his brother had spoken to him about it. And IMO if you have already said yes for your kids to be in the wedding, then I would NOT pull them out. Yes, they probably are looking for symmetry with the 2 flower girls and probably do not know anyone else with young boys to be the ring bearers.

 

[tonga]

I can sympathize, as we have in-law issues too. But maybe the brother had 4 friends that he's really close to and wanted to include. Since the brothers aren't close, maybe he thought that by including your two DSs, that was a way of including your DH.

 

[Kat77]

I can sympathize, as we have in-law issues too. But maybe the brother had 4 friends that he's really close to and wanted to include. Since the brothers aren't close, maybe he thought that by including your two DSs, that was a way of including your DH.

That was my thought...
I understand being hurt but I suspect there was kinder reasoning behind the choices and nothing was meant to hurt anyone. Tell him to talk to his brother.

 

[Hannathy]

I can sympathize, as we have in-law issues too. But maybe the brother had 4 friends that he's really close to and wanted to include. Since the brothers aren't close, maybe he thought that by including your two DSs, that was a way of including your DH.

I agree with this and maybe he thought the expense of having both your kids and your husband in the wedding would be too much. In our family once siblings have kids the kids are in the wedding not the sibling usually.

 

[ktlm]

I have been in a somewhat similar situation. My very best friend in the whole world (who is like a sister to me as I'm an only), did not ask me to be a bridesmaid in her 2nd wedding. (I was a bridesmaid her 1st time around.). Instead, she asked me to sing at her wedding. That made me feel a little bit like the hired help, but I kept my mouth shut. I know she was trying to include me in some way. She had 2 bridesmaids- her sister (who she is not even close too and complains about constantly) and one of our college friends who now lives in the same town that she does while I live in another state. They weren't even close in college, but they run around a lot now because of thier proximity. It's been years since the wedding, we are still close friends.

My guess is that your DH's brother had 4 very close friends that he wanted to include. You have stated that your DH and his brother are not close right now. Do you think that including your boys even though they don't know them that well was the brother's way of reaching out and including his brother through his family? I don't know your family dynamics or situation, but I would say just try to be gracious and let the brother have his day. Just support your DH. I know it hurt to be at my friend's wedding and to see the bridesmaids in their dresses and for me to be excluded, but I made the best of it. I think that was better for our friendship in the long run.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I am happy as a clam if I can avoid being in someone's wedding party. I do not need the aggravation or expense, and am much happier going simply as a guest. This does not seem like the sort of thing most men would be upset about, I think since they are not that close his brother picked his good friends. Maybe he thought since your boys were included that your part of the family was already represented.

I say be thankful he does not have to rent a tux, throw the bachelor party, etc., and try to build a closer relationship in the future.

 

[barnaby1]

Anyone have any advice for my terribly hurt and angry husband?

I am afraid it is harsh advice but you asked.

He needs to be an adult and get over it. This is not his wedding and his brother can ask whom ever he wants to.

 

[crisi]

it is true they are not close

My husband said I guess he didn't make the top 4!

It sounds like your BIL is lucky to have four friends or relatives he is closer to, than have to rely on relatives he isn't close to to stand up for him. It really shouldn't surprise your husband if they "aren't close" that he "doesn't make the top four."

Tell your husband that if he is hurt, he needs to stop having "up and downs" with his brother and work again to be one of the most important people in his life. A good way to start that is to suck this up, not make a deal about it, and be very supportive in helping make the wedding work.

Years ago we flew to New Jersey for the wedding of a friend on my husband's. My husband was not asked to stand up - despite being one of his oldest friends. We went to the wedding, we helped host an intown reception when they came to visit. We stay in touch. In the follow ten years, our friend has drifted away from two of his groomsmen, and said to my husband "I should have asked you." But you know what, the honor of being a groomsman is really far less important than maintaining a long term friendship. Who cares about that one day? The important thing is when we need him, he is there for us - and when he needs us, we are there for him.

 

[robinb]

I am afraid it is harsh advice but you asked.

He needs to be an adult and get over it. This is not his wedding and his brother can ask whom ever he wants to.

I agree. I also think that pulling out the kids in a snit would be very childish. I'm sure that the boys being invited as ring-bearers was an olive branch for not including your DH in the wedding party.

 

[cjackearl]

You've gotten some pretty harsh advice, I'd say. It would have been nice for your DHs brother to offer some word of explanation, but try to ascribe the best motives. Maybe asking your boys to be in the wedding was his way of including your family and his brother. It probably didn't occur to him that your DH would be hurt, since they're not close. I'd probably advise your husband to hold his piece and allow your sons to be in the wedding party. Wedding planning brings out all kinds of emotion in families. I remeber feeling like a vacation was never more needed than our honeymoon!

 

[bumbershoot]

They barely know our kids, so we see this as just having symmetry.

When preparing for our wedding, my husband wanted to mend fences (all broken by his sister, but he was trying to be nice) with his sister. He wanted her daughters to be in our wedding, along with my half-sis and the son of a friend of mine.

She REFUSED, wanting them to work through all of their stuff beforehand. It never happened. She didn't even come. She has said she regrets this in the years since.

I would say that asking your kids to be in the wedding is his way of reaching out. Take it. You'll never get this moment of healing back.

 

[Trixie15]

Just my opinion, but nothing is going to make this situation more awkward than having your dh talk to his brother about it.

Can he not see how weird it would feel to be included on a second thought at the request of himself? I can't see how he would not feel slightly embarrassed all day long by basically having begged to be a part of his brother's day when he wasn't actually included until he asked.

He should graciously allow your children to be a part of the wedding as asked and then maybe offer to be of help in some other way if needed.

 

[Kat77]

Just my opinion, but nothing is going to make this situation more awkward than having your dh talk to his brother about it.

Can he not see how weird it would feel to be included on a second thought at the request of himself? I can't see how he would not feel slightly embarrassed all day long by basically having begged to be a part of his brother's day when he wasn't actually included until he asked.

I do not think anyone was suggesting he force his way into the wedding party. That's been chosen.

 

[amamax2]

I think your DH needs to try really hard not to take it personally and instead think of reasons that have nothing to do with him.

Quite honestly, someone is always hurt when it comes to a wedding party.

When I got married, both my DH and I came from big families and we decided we would not ask any siblings to be in the wedding. We wanted to have close friends, with siblings too the wedding party would be ginormous, and we considered that family members were already special guests. Well, my DH's siblings were all very hurt - they had just assumed they would be in the wedding (my siblings didn't say anything one way or the other, so not sure what they thought, lol). We also did not ask the girlfriend of our best man, who was hurt also (my husband had known her for years; I did not know her well at that time). We did ask her and one of my brothers to do the readings - not because they were "more" special or closer to us, but because we thought they wouldn't mind speaking in front of a crowd and
would enjoy the experience.

Well, after all the hurt feelings, we ended up asking all the siblings and the girlfriend, too, to be in the wedding party - we practically had more in the wedding party than at the wedding!!

Long story short, we were not asked to be in any of the siblings' wedding parties - but when it came for them to choose people, we could say with a good-natured grin, see, it's not easy is it?

 

[renae3]

Thanks for everyones advice, I think! We understand or shall I say my husband understands the wedding is not about him...but a brother is a brother no matter what. When my husband chose him to be his best man he did it because he wanted him to be a big part of his special day. They werent particularly close, but family is family...at least that is how we feel. Over the years his brother has done some pretty spiteful things to us and our kids...but that hasn't changed how we have treated him or his fiance. I just saw this as a time his brother could have chosen to mend fences, make ammends, a new chapter to help them get along better...instead he chose not to include him with no explanation at all! I thought too maybe he wanted our kids in the party as a way of having our family represented....but I really think its about symmetry only. Truthfully he had done what is best for him...in all honesty not having our kids in the wedding party would be easier for us, less money, etc. But we always seem to do the right thing...I just wish his brother did this time too.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Sorry he feels this way....but .....
I think that the BIL should ASK whomever he wants to stand up for him, thus your dh has to just move on...it is not about HIM, it is not HIS day..

As far as kids go...I thinking pulling them out will likely disappoint the kids and appear "tit for tat" perhaps that was HIS way of including your family (since the brothers are not even close???)

Again, I think you should ALL go, enjoy and hopefully your dh can move on.....this is so "small" in the BIG picture of what a marriage ceremony is really about...

Good Luck to you all...............

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OP- I am with you on this one. IMO Siblings always come before friends. I don't care how close you are or aren't with them. I have no advice but I would be hurt too.