Roommate Advice

[fly girl]

I need adult opinions, so I'm asking on here.

I'm 19 and moved into my off-campus college house on Sunday. I have 3 housemates: one who is nice, one who has not moved in yet, and the one this post is about.

I lived with her last year and never had a problem until the last month or so of the year. I was in a really bad place mentally, and I think that she just had enough of living with it. I got medicated over the summer and have been doing much better, and she is aware of that. She didn't talk to me all summer, nor any of our mutual friends and honestly, I thought she might have transferred or moved without telling me until she moved in the other day. I should note that she is a very quiet person in general, a lot of people on the team hadn't heard her speak for almost the entire first year.

So my biggest problem right now is, that we are going to the same place at the same time every day. We are on the same sports team, so we have to go to practice at the same time. Instead of taking turns driving, she leaves without me (doesn't even tell me she is leaving) so we wind up taking 2 cars and there is limited parking, to begin with. When I mentioned going together and rotating who drives she basically was like "I'm driving if you want to come, be in the car before I leave", even though she never says when she is leaving.

She is also super stand-offish, I asked her if she wanted to go to the store and she said no, but then I ran into her at the store. When we do things as a team, she will sit with her friends which is whatever but she purposely makes sure to be on the other side of the room from me.

Yesterday, we had a team lunch that no one told me about (I'm not in the team group chat which is a different issue), and she left without saying anything to me. One of the coaches called me and asked me where I was, and when I told her I was at my house, she was like "your roommate is here, why aren't you".

Am I overthinking this, or should I confront her about how she's been acting? I don't want to create drama in the first week, but I have to live with her for 10 more months so I feel like I might need to address it upfront.

First, I am glad you are in a better place and doing much better. Yay!

Now, to the questions at hand. Leave it be. She knows you are doing better, I am sure she can see it in person too. However, it appears she is not ready to engage yet and that is ok. Sounds like she is very private and introverted -- that you cannot change. You can only respect it.

As for rides to practice and shopping, you have attempted and they weren't received the way you wanted them to be. Yeah, it stinks but she has every right to say no. I understand completely how it is very hard not to internalize the situation, but remember she talked to no one over the summer. Maybe she is going through things you are unaware of? Respect her privacy and move forward.

Lastly, I do feel bad that you are not on the team group chat, but that sounds like a completely separate issue from your roommate. I think the coach made a quick assumption and an innocent (yet ignorant) comment ensued.

IDK the circumstances behind not being on group chat, but if you are missing out on things you may want to try and get on it. Again, IDK the backstory.

Give it time. Your actions will speak louder than words, and hopefully you'll get in a groove that you will be more comfortable with soon.

 

[mom2rtk]

Maybe she is going through things you are unaware of?

Exactly. She could have her own issues she's dealing with.

 

[NotUrsula]

I'd say that you do need to clear the air, because it's affecting your team dynamic. Things like this can cause a team to splinter, as other members of the team begin to have to take sides &/or walk on eggshells to work around the conflict between the two of you. (And BTW, if the group chat is run by the team and not the coaches, then you need a separate means of team communication that constitutes the actual "official" communication channel that the coaches control. It's unacceptable to not include every team member on important notifications.)

Pick a time when there is nothing important going on, and ask to speak to her to clear the air. Don't take on the air of an injured party; this is not about blame. What it's about is neutralizing one-sided suppositions that exacerbate the conflict. Tell her that you understand that you're not meant to be buddies, but that it's beginning to feel like you're enemies, and that you don't want that, because it's stressful on both of you to live with this level of tension, and most importantly, it won't be good for the team. Ask her what it would take to neutralize your situation, and point out that while carpooling sometimes would benefit you both, if she doesn't want to, then you accept that.

IME, being close friends with roommates is actually a rare situation; nice when it happens, but it really seldom does. It's important to be scrupulously polite to roommates, keep a little bit of distance, and never let yourself take them for granted, because major conflicts can lead to very painful financial situations.

 

[barkley]

understandably you are focused on yourself and your own mental health. i get that-i have anxiety and depression and have 2 adult children that deal with it as well. that said-have you considered that (A) you might be reading too much into this, and/or (B) what you seem to perceive as unfriendlyness/inappropriate behaviours on your roommate's part might simply be either a natural part of her personality, a coping mechanism for her own mental health, OR what she perceives as a coping mechanism for what she observed/lived with when you had what you describe as a difficult time last academic year? from an outsider's perspective here's how i see some of the issues you raise.........

She didn't talk to me all summer, nor any of our mutual friends

you said she's quiet in general so maybe that's just not her thing. i knew plenty of people in college that i did'nt communicate with over summer breaks. i needed my own space to clear my head.
did anyone reach out to her? it's a 2 way street. it's very different if she was not responding to others vs. just being as uncommunicative as others.

she is a very quiet person in general, a lot of people on the team hadn't heard her speak for almost the entire first year.

nothing wrong with that. some of us who are very shy can do a great acting job when we HAVE to but if it's not a situation that requires us to put that on we like to slide into our comfort zone. is this team something she does for enjoyment? perhaps that's why she enjoys it-b/c she's not forced into relationships with every single person.

She is also super stand-offish, I asked her if she wanted to go to the store and she said no, but then I ran into her at the store.

maybe she wants some space-you are on a team together/live together. some times people just need their own breathing space (dh and i worked at the same job site for a year or two-drove separately so we had some personal space b/c otherwise it was 24/7 and got to be too much).

When we do things as a team, she will sit with her friends which is whatever but she purposely makes sure to be on the other side of the room from me.

sorry but this sounds a bit paranoid on your part. are you saying that all 'her friends' are conspiring with her against you? otherwise you are giving allot of credit to someone you describe as quiet/standoffish to always coordinate the actions of a group of people against you.

Yesterday, we had a team lunch that no one told me about (I'm not in the team group chat which is a different issue), and she left without saying anything to me

maybe she assumed you knew? is there an expectation that all the roommates remind each other of things/stay on top of each other's scheduals? if not-then i would'nt blame her for whomever runs the team chat not including you in it.


i'm not taking sides. i saying from personal/parental experience with depression/anxiety that some of us can get a bit self focused and perceive other's actions and inactions totally out of proportion. it's something that has come up in my own and my adult children's therapy over the years. i wouldn't make a big deal about it. if otherwise you are living together well then i wouldn't see it as a huge issue.

 

[HopperFan]

understandably you are focused on yourself and your own mental health. i get that-i have anxiety and depression and have 2 adult children that deal with it as well. that said-have you considered that (A) you might be reading too much into this, and/or (B) what you seem to perceive as unfriendlyness/inappropriate behaviours on your roommate's part might simply be either a natural part of her personality, a coping mechanism for her own mental health, OR what she perceives as a coping mechanism for what she observed/lived with when you had what you describe as a difficult time last academic year? from an outsider's perspective here's how i see some of the issues you raise.........



you said she's quiet in general so maybe that's just not her thing. i knew plenty of people in college that i did'nt communicate with over summer breaks. i needed my own space to clear my head.
did anyone reach out to her? it's a 2 way street. it's very different if she was not responding to others vs. just being as uncommunicative as others.


nothing wrong with that. some of us who are very shy can do a great acting job when we HAVE to but if it's not a situation that requires us to put that on we like to slide into our comfort zone. is this team something she does for enjoyment? perhaps that's why she enjoys it-b/c she's not forced into relationships with every single person.



maybe she wants some space-you are on a team together/live together. some times people just need their own breathing space (dh and i worked at the same job site for a year or two-drove separately so we had some personal space b/c otherwise it was 24/7 and got to be too much).



sorry but this sounds a bit paranoid on your part. are you saying that all 'her friends' are conspiring with her against you? otherwise you are giving allot of credit to someone you describe as quiet/standoffish to always coordinate the actions of a group of people against you.


maybe she assumed you knew? is there an expectation that all the roommates remind each other of things/stay on top of each other's scheduals? if not-then i would'nt blame her for whomever runs the team chat not including you in it.


i'm not taking sides. i saying from personal/parental experience with depression/anxiety that some of us can get a bit self focused and perceive other's actions and inactions totally out of proportion. it's something that has come up in my own and my adult children's therapy over the years. i wouldn't make a big deal about it. if otherwise you are living together well then i wouldn't see it as a huge issue.

AGREE with all of this. Everything OP said about this girl says to me that there is no hostility, no anger, no antagonism and no reason for the OP to have a conversation with her. What is she going to say "I'm upset you won't carpool" "I'm upset you didn't tell me about a lunch (wasn't on her)" "I'm upset we aren't shopping and hanging out." "I'm upset you have friends other than me." All that is going to do is drive the other girl farther away.

If they are meant to be friends it will happen naturally, if not plenty of others out there.

All OP needs to do is find out why the person in charge of communication for the team has not kept her up to date. College teams are highly structured on so many levels she needs to find out where her email/phone number slipped through the cracks.

Dear OP,
My DD lived with 3 others (two different groups) in college. One year they were her teammates and she never even talked with two of them. The one she thought was her friend, wasn't. She lived with 3 others (two different groups) in the DCP. First time the three became friends but left her out because of work schedules. She found new friends at work. Next time she lived with work friend and two nut jobs. She lived with one person a short time in Grad school because she thought they were friends. All the rest of the time she worked hard to afford living alone. Perhaps your roomie really really wants to live alone - that is her personality - but can't afford to. She might be very stressed living with you all and needs her private time, even if in her car. Just let it go, move on to other friends and enjoy your time at school. She might loosen up but she might not. You aren't in her shoes any more than she is in yours. It's all good, roommates are more often not people you will have in your life long. Of all DD roommates, 13, she has remained friends with one.
Have a great year!
Mom of DD that went through it.

 

[focusondisney]

I'd say that you do need to clear the air, because it's affecting your team dynamic. Things like this can cause a team to splinter, as other members of the team begin to have to take sides &/or walk on eggshells to work around the conflict between the two of you.

She didn’t say anything about it affecting the team. She said not being on the team chat “is a whole other issue”. Doesn’t sound related to the OP’s relationship with her roommate at all.

And I disagree about the OP clearing the air. As someone who avoids confrontation at all costs, someone forcing a “clear the air” discussion would have the total opposite effect on me. The OP has already said her roommate is a quiet private person. Roommate has given pretty clear signals she doesn’t want the buddy/ buddy relationship the OP does. She has turned down the OPs overtures. Time to respect her right to be left alone. She is not harassing to OP. The OP pushing clearing the air, confronting or whatever other term is used can be seen as harassing the roommate. I can see that causing the team to move to the roommate’s “side” as she becomes the victim.

And yes, the OP should be able to relax & be comfortable in her home. But so should her roommate.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

She didn’t say anything about it affecting the team.

I do think part of what the PP was speaking to may have been also that the roommate sits with her friends well away physically speaking from the OP. The team probably picks up on some tension there. So it's possible that it's something that affects in some way. That all depends on the teams. If they can keep personal stuff personal and get to business when in practice and at games and team events then that's all that matters in terms of the team part.

If the OP is not on a team chat and no one else reached out to her that probably speaks to something there that which the OP may not want to discuss but would be important to understand on pushing "clearing the air" IMO.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

point out that while carpooling sometimes would benefit you both

On this part the thing is I know the OP has the their heart in it but there is something to be said for how it's coming across.

Saying:
"Instead of taking turns driving, she leaves without me (doesn't even tell me she is leaving)"
"so we wind up taking 2 cars and there is limited parking, to begin with"
"When I mentioned going together and rotating who drives"
"I asked her if she wanted to go to the store and she said no, but then I ran into her at the store"

these all come off like the OP is trying to think logically but almost imposing an expectation that this other person should just go along with it because it's what she suggests almost like an obligation because they live in the same house even though I know the store part was probably an olive branch offering. I don't think the OP means bad there at all but I would probably think it's a tad presumptuous of someone to expect me to go with them, take turns, etc on their time even if we were the best of friends. Part of normal friendships is even understanding that people either want their own space and time or have other things going on.

Seeing the roommate at the store doesn't have to mean a snub it can mean there were other errands going on before or after or just the roommate wanting to shop by herself. The roommate doesn't necessarily need to be concerned about the parking limitation nor if the OP can find a spot so long as the roommate normally finds parking and if they don't then the roommate gets to put that on themselves saying "well I left too late better get there earlier next time". But if the OP holds her up just once from leaving the house or vice versa then tensions can easily get worse.

I think the roommate probably already knows 2 cars takes up 2 parking spaces, beneficial to both may not really be there, it may be beneficial to the OP more at this time.

I def. wouldn't even bring up the carpooling thing.

 

[Imzadi]

You’re overthinking. You don’t have to be friends with your roommates. She is sending that message. Try not to take it personally. Some people just aren’t interested in making new friends and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean she has problem with you or that you’ve done anything wrong. As to the transportation thing, she clearly doesn’t want that commitment. I wouldn’t either. I had a very good friend who lived across the street, our kids went to the same school and with a handful of exceptions over many years we always drove our own kids. Neither of us wanted to be responsible for getting someone else to and from or rearrange other things we might have going on. As long as things at home are cordial there really isn’t anything you can do or that needs to be done.

I totally agree with wenrob.

I think you and your housemate have different definitions and expectations of what it means to be a housemate. She just happens to live in the same building period. That's it for her. She has made it known over and over that she is not interested in an acquaintance level of interactions, let alone any chummy friendship like on the TV show Friends, or some sisterhood like a sorority house. Nor, does she want to travel anywhere with you. And she's not interested in acknowledging you as you are at the same events together.

The only things in "common" are your proximity in living near each other and at these same team events. I don't know about you, but I don't talk to every single person at every outing or event I attend. We don't all have to talk to each and every person. We tend to break up into smaller groups to talk with. Some we gravitate to. Some we realize we have nothing in common with, or some people just rub us the wrong way. We gently move away find another group to chat with.

Sometimes at work, I barely say more than Hi to some fellow co-workers, as we aren't working right next to each other. Just a wave of acknowledgement or a smile back and forth as we come in. None of us are snubbing each other. (Meanwhile your housemate has made it clear she want's to be on the other side of the room from you. If you didn't live together, would that even be a problem for you?)

There was even a Seinfeld episode on the expected obligation of having to say Hi and chat with all the neighbors one comes across while getting the mail in the building lobby or while being in the same elevator together. Some of us, (me especially,) just want to go home, make it through the door to my place, and live in peace and quiet without all the chummy chit-chat. Or worse, mentally having to care-take another person.

I disagree with those that say have a talk with her. Seriously? How many more signals do you need that she's not interested in you as a friend, acquaintance, friendly teammate, or travel person?

Do you really need to corner her to have her say in specific words: I AM NOT INTERESTED IN INTERACTING WITH YOU?

Talk about creating a needless drama for the both of you.

More than likely, she will just say, "Whatever. I'm not ignoring you. I said you could travel with me, but you have to be there when I leave." And then continue to do the same exact behavior as now of not talking to you and trying to non-verbally signal she doesn't want to interact with you. If you corner her into giving you a time to leave, I bet you find she will suddenly have to leave a half hour earlier, saying she has to be somewhere else first and suddenly can't pick you up. She doesn't owe you a ride just because you happen to be in proximity to each other. That is your expectation. (It would have been nice to car pool together, but even a PP, who is good friends with a neighbor, says they don't ride together. )

What happens if you confront her, it creates an even more uncomfortable situation between the two of you, and it becomes noticeably obvious to your team members that there is some bristling and uncomfortability? That she obviously moves away, where it seemed coincidental before?

Change your definition of what a housemate is and lower your expectations and needs from this person to zero. Life is too short to get hung up on this drama. You've got your mental health in a better place, keep focused on moving forward with more positive people and situations who WANT to be with you. This one will be in your rear-view mirror hopefully by next year, if she moves out. In the meantime you both will get used to not interacting and that will become a normal way of being.

I hope you have a great school year and you find other great friends among the team members and beyond.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I would probably back off a bit with the roommate. It sounds to me like she's very much an introvert, felt kind of at a loss when you were struggling last year, and is afraid to dive back in to the friendship.

Give it time. If things are "fine" at home, just less social than you had hoped, let it go. If things feel tense, though, maybe leave her a card apologizing for how everything affected her, and offering to chat if there's anything she wants to ask you about. Introverts often don't like to react quickly or in front of people, so notes can be easier for us. (But if you think she is the type to show people and make it a "thing" scratch what I just said!)

Definitely deal with the group chat issue, though. Either get on it, if it was just an oversight, or let the coach know that it's a clique chat and not a reliable way of informing the whole team of important information. Ask where official stuff will be posted, and check there regularly.

 

[indimom]

I'm with the others. I don't think this is an "issue" or something that needs to be "addressed."
People do not have to carpool, even if it seems convenient. People don't have to shop together, even if it seems sensible. People don't have to be friends to live together.
My son shares a house with two other guys. He told me recently that the thing he likes best about the arrangement....is that they are not friends, that they can just share a house without the need to hang out, etc.

 

[fla4fun]

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. I find some of the replies to your post very sad. Some people are more social than others, and I think it’s sad to think that people would share something as intimate as a home and not be friendly (not necessarily friends) with each other. I know I would be miserable sharing my home with someone treating me with indifference or hostility. She doesn’t have to give you rides, but it sounds almost like she is being passive-aggressive about it by throwing out an offer that can’t be accepted because she doesn’t tell you when she’s leaving.

She has made it clear that she doesn’t want to interact with you, for whatever reason, a situation that would not engender feelings of trust for me regarding the living arrangements. If it were me, I would be looking for a different place to live and separate from the situation altogether. People don’t have to be friends to be kind and respectful of each other, and while you are working through your own medical issues, and will be dealing with the ups and downs of the daily school grind, you deserve to feel comfortable and respected in your own home. Is there any way you can move to another place to live?

I hope things work out for the best for all concerned. Good luck!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

people would share something as intimate as a home and not be friendly (not necessarily friends) with each other.

Well you're not sharing a home, you're roommates. Depending on the housing situation one you may not have had a choice about just who is your roommate and you normally don't get a choice on who comprises of the whole house.

Everyone should be civil with each other but sometimes people hope (or expect unconsciously) more.

she is being passive-aggressive about it by throwing out an offer that can’t be accepted because she doesn’t tell you when she’s leaving.

I'm pretty sure that's the person trying to be nice enough (although it may not seem that way) without saying "no" bluntly as in not trying to reject the OP outright. And we don't know if there was pushing for it either by the OP in asking more than once. Perhaps a "No I don't want to carpool with you" would be the way to go but that could also lead someone to think you're rude even if that's your actual answer.

you deserve to feel comfortable and respected in your own home.

Yes but this isn't the OP's home, it's where they are currently residing but it's not their home. There are 3 people plus the OP living there. As far as respect everyone should get that, it's a chief reason why people are saying the OP needs to back off..respecting what the roommate has been giving off so far.

 

[JLTraveling]

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. I find some of the replies to your post very sad. Some people are more social than others, and I think it’s sad to think that people would share something as intimate as a home and not be friendly (not necessarily friends) with each other. I know I would be miserable sharing my home with someone treating me with indifference or hostility. She doesn’t have to give you rides, but it sounds almost like she is being passive-aggressive about it by throwing out an offer that can’t be accepted because she doesn’t tell you when she’s leaving.

She has made it clear that she doesn’t want to interact with you, for whatever reason, a situation that would not engender feelings of trust for me regarding the living arrangements. If it were me, I would be looking for a different place to live and separate from the situation altogether. People don’t have to be friends to be kind and respectful of each other, and while you are working through your own medical issues, and will be dealing with the ups and downs of the daily school grind, you deserve to feel comfortable and respected in your own home. Is there any way you can move to another place to live?

I hope things work out for the best for all concerned. Good luck!

I agree with you, and I lived/worked in a busy youth hostel for several months. I certainly wasn't "friends" with everyone who walked through the door, but we were all friendly to various degrees. Especially those of us who lived there--we all had a really good relationship with each other, even though we weren't necessarily close. I think it would be absolute hell sharing living quarters with someone who was treating me the way the roommate is treating the OP. Yes, it's fine not to hang out. No, it's not fine to be passive aggressive about it. But as I said in my original response, I know all the OP can do is gently try to open a dialogue, and then move on. Moving out would definitely be my choice, if that's possible.

 

[barkley]

i would be interested to know, if the o/p is willing to share-

when was the lease agreement for this place entered into by all the roommates? you say that the mental health issues you had that you believe may have been difficult for your former/current roommate to deal with occurred during the end of 'last year'. i assume you mean the end of your last academic year, so-did this roommate enter into a new lease that she knew would include you as a roommate before/during or after the difficult period for you/her?

 

[mousefan73]

I am curious what happens when the OP and her roommate are in the home together.. and let's say both are hungry.. Do they make a sandwich together in the kitchen and do a bit of chit chat- opr hey hand me that please, ? Or are they in uncomfortable silence where one trys to get out asap or does one even avoid the kitchen until the other leaves?? If the last two then move out.. Sorry but I agree they dont have to be "friends". I disagree with the above statements " they dont have to be friend but just roomates" because if the last two of my scenario is status quo, then they aren't even roommates... It's like a bad marriage where one has to move out. Because that is not healthy for anyone.

 

[PollyannaMom]

So many people are saying to move out, but if it's a lease situation, that might not be possible.

 

[mousefan73]

So many people are saying to move out, but if it's a lease situation, that might not be possible.

that is true.. Like I said, like in many bad marriages that are over, for financial reasons, some are stuck.

 

[fly girl]

Is it just me, but where is everyone assuming the roommate is super passive aggressive?

We only know one side of the story. From what I have read, I understand OP in wanting to make the roommate situation more comfortable, and I think that can actually happen if she just waits it out. She even said that last semester the roommate had had enough of her. No doubt, that left a bitter taste in roommates mouth. Actions speak louder than words. Most people don't just gleefully jump right back into that kind of situation, especially if it was toxic. The introvert is treading lightly, which I understand. She needs time.

To what you may consider passive aggressive:

1. Driving to practice. Do we know if OP is always on time? Or is she someone who is always running late. We don't know.

2. Going grocery shopping. Ok, they bumped into each other at the store. We have no idea if the roommate just stopped in for a quick item or two while running other errands. We don't know.

3. Sitting at the opposite side of the room ... does she really do that, or does it just appear that way to the OP?

I get it, it is so easy for OP to see these things from a slanted opinion because it is happening to her. She wants the relationship to be close, but after last semester the roommate is being cautious. Yes, I absolutely sympathize with the OP. I can understand wanting it to go back to normal -- but again you have to give it time.

 

[Sinder]

We are hearing one side of the story, and of course the OP is going to slant things to make it sound like she’s the one in the right.

From what the OP says the roommate isn’t very social and is probably an introvert. Yet the OP calls her standoffish and accuses her of purposely sitting across the room and has issues with “how she is acting” That’s the problem with people who aren’t introverts or who are a little more social, they feel everyone has to be that way and if they aren’t they are the bad guy in the situation. Not wanting to be friends doesn’t always equal hostility towards someone.
TBH OP it sounds like you may be a little overbearing when it comes to being friends with this roommate.
It’s clear your personalities don’t gel together, don’t try to force them too.