Roommate Advice

[disney castle days]

I need adult opinions, so I'm asking on here.

I'm 19 and moved into my off-campus college house on Sunday. I have 3 housemates: one who is nice, one who has not moved in yet, and the one this post is about.

I lived with her last year and never had a problem until the last month or so of the year. I was in a really bad place mentally, and I think that she just had enough of living with it. I got medicated over the summer and have been doing much better, and she is aware of that. She didn't talk to me all summer, nor any of our mutual friends and honestly, I thought she might have transferred or moved without telling me until she moved in the other day. I should note that she is a very quiet person in general, a lot of people on the team hadn't heard her speak for almost the entire first year.

So my biggest problem right now is, that we are going to the same place at the same time every day. We are on the same sports team, so we have to go to practice at the same time. Instead of taking turns driving, she leaves without me (doesn't even tell me she is leaving) so we wind up taking 2 cars and there is limited parking, to begin with. When I mentioned going together and rotating who drives she basically was like "I'm driving if you want to come, be in the car before I leave", even though she never says when she is leaving.

She is also super stand-offish, I asked her if she wanted to go to the store and she said no, but then I ran into her at the store. When we do things as a team, she will sit with her friends which is whatever but she purposely makes sure to be on the other side of the room from me.

Yesterday, we had a team lunch that no one told me about (I'm not in the team group chat which is a different issue), and she left without saying anything to me. One of the coaches called me and asked me where I was, and when I told her I was at my house, she was like "your roommate is here, why aren't you".

Am I overthinking this, or should I confront her about how she's been acting? I don't want to create drama in the first week, but I have to live with her for 10 more months so I feel like I might need to address it upfront.

 

[wenrob]

You’re overthinking. You don’t have to be friends with your roommates. She is sending that message. Try not to take it personally. Some people just aren’t interested in making new friends and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean she has problem with you or that you’ve done anything wrong. As to the transportation thing, she clearly doesn’t want that commitment. I wouldn’t either. I had a very good friend who lived across the street, our kids went to the same school and with a handful of exceptions over many years we always drove our own kids. Neither of us wanted to be responsible for getting someone else to and from or rearrange other things we might have going on. As long as things at home are cordial there really isn’t anything you can do or that needs to be done.

 

[nw6675]

I agree with wenrob. You won't change her by confronting her and it may make it worse. Do your own thing, be cordial, but don't try to insert yourself into her daily activities - even those you may share.

The group text exclusion does seem to be an issue so for that one I hope you can resolve it.

 

[Disneylover99]

Just let things be and do your own thing. Good luck.

Maybe find someone else on your team you can get info. from, if group chat is an issue.

 

[focusondisney]

“disney castle days​

Mouseketeer​

JoinedApr 30, 2017

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I need adult opinions, so I'm asking on here.

I'm 19 and moved into my off-campus college house on Sunday. I have 3 housemates: one who is nice, one who has not moved in yet, and the one this post is about.

I lived with her last year and never had a problem until the last month or so of the year. I was in a really bad place mentally, and I think that she just had enough of living with it. I got medicated over the summer and have been doing much better, and she is aware of that. She didn't talk to me all summer, nor any of our mutual friends and honestly, I thought she might have transferred or moved without telling me until she moved in the other day. I should note that she is a very quiet person in general, a lot of people on the team hadn't heard her speak for almost the entire first year.

So my biggest problem right now is, that we are going to the same place at the same time every day. We are on the same sports team, so we have to go to practice at the same time. Instead of taking turns driving, she leaves without me (doesn't even tell me she is leaving) so we wind up taking 2 cars and there is limited parking, to begin with. When I mentioned going together and rotating who drives she basically was like "I'm driving if you want to come, be in the car before I leave", even though she never says when she is leaving.

She is also super stand-offish, I asked her if she wanted to go to the store and she said no, but then I ran into her at the store. When we do things as a team, she will sit with her friends which is whatever but she purposely makes sure to be on the other side of the room from me.

Yesterday, we had a team lunch that no one told me about (I'm not in the team group chat which is a different issue), and she left without saying anything to me. One of the coaches called me and asked me where I was, and when I told her I was at my house, she was like "your roommate is here, why aren't you".

Am I overthinking this, or should I confront her about how she's been acting? I don't want to create drama in the first week, but I have to live with her for 10 more months so I feel like I might need to address it upfront.”



I agree with PPs. She clearly does not want a friendship. Maybe your issues put her off, maybe she has her own issues. Either way, she has a right to just live her life. Roommates can be just a financial arrangements without all the other “stuff”. Would it be nice to car pool & save $? Sure. But it is pretty obvious already that she doesn’t want that. Respect that. No need to “confront her”. That word alone sounds hostile & would make me even more determined to avoid you.

For team news, either get into that chat or ask someone else to keep you In the loop. Then live & let live.

 

[JLTraveling]

I would have a conversation (not a confrontation) with her. Simply start with something like, "I know I was in a bad place last year, and I appreciate the support you gave me. As you may know, I'm doing a lot better this year, and I hope there won't be any lingering tension between us." And then see what she says. It's the elephant in the room, so you might as well get it out in the open.

Beyond that, I agree with the others. You don't have to be friends, and you don't have to do things together (including driving together to the same location). Be friendly but not pushy, make some new friends, and don't worry about what she's up to.

The group text thing should be addressed with whoever is in charge of it.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Leave it alone. If you were in a dark place last year and affected her, she's probably decided she doesn't want the hassle this year. Polite and cordial is probably all she's willing to offer - aka, she won't go out of her way to snub you, but she won't go out of her way to include you either (thus, the "be in my car when I'm going")...

 

[HopperFan]

You’re overthinking. You don’t have to be friends with your roommates. She is sending that message. Try not to take it personally. Some people just aren’t interested in making new friends and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean she has problem with you or that you’ve done anything wrong. As to the transportation thing, she clearly doesn’t want that commitment. I wouldn’t either. I had a very good friend who lived across the street, our kids went to the same school and with a handful of exceptions over many years we always drove our own kids. Neither of us wanted to be responsible for getting someone else to and from or rearrange other things we might have going on. As long as things at home are cordial there really isn’t anything you can do or that needs to be done.

ALL OF THIS^

You are way overthinking this. Likely has nothing to do with you. She likes control of her own situation, her own transportation, be able to come/go on her own terms not waiting on a ride with someone. I would say myself and DS are very much like this. I never participated in car pool.

You said she is quiet and maybe she is only able to be social with a handful, and even those she doesn't live with. You guys are just sharing housing. Often, especially in a college environment, you have your housemates and you have your friends and they don't mix. Best way to keep a friend is to not live with them.

You have two other housemates - one you say is nice, great. And who knows the other one may be as well. You might find the three of you hang out some outside the house and the girl you are worried about will just do her thing. It happens, no reason to pressure her to be something she doesn't appear to want to be.

But yes if you are on a team, there should be a team text that the coaches or captains are part of. There will often be sub groups of the smaller pods of team friends but if you are left out of a team text you need to address that.

I would just stop trying to be friends with her and find friends elsewhere. You are letting it bother you when it shouldn't.

 

[DLgal]

I can relate to this. I had a similar issue my second year in college after rooming with my HS best friend Freshman year. We signed the lease with one other person for our off campus apartment at the end of Freshman year. Once the school year started, I began having mental health issues. I spiraled into a major depression and looking back, I was probably really difficult to live with. She and I grew distant throughout the year and she announced towards the lease renewal time that she was going to move in with another friend the following year. It was devastating (and inconvenient) for me. I had to scramble to find new roommates. My other roommate dropped out of school suddenly. It was a mess.

Looking back, my friend wasn't a great friend, obviously. She sort of abandoned me when I was struggling. I got medicine and therapy and turned things around, but it was too late. Living with someone with depression can be really hard and if you aren't super close, it can break a friendship. Some people just don't want "that drama" in their lives.

I agree with the others that this girl is signaling that she doesn't want to be your friend. She is your roommate, and besides being cordial in order to keep the household peace, she wants no obligation to you or vice versa. Make your own plans, do your own thing. Not sure how you should manage the team issues, which honestly sounds really immature, but hey, you guys are still young. I'd not want to keep playing on a team that purposely excludes people like that, but that's just me.

You may want to find some new people to house with going forward after this year. Don't count on this girl wanting to renew this arrangement next year, and be prepared that she might break her lease. You didn't mention how the others get along with her, but if they are all tight and you are the "black sheep", make other housing plans for yourself with people you mesh better with.

 

[mousefan73]

I agree that OP doesnt have to be friends with her roommate, but in this case it is a bit different as it seems they play on the same team and have interactions outside of the home. It's one thing to have completly different lives outside of the home and share a place. I have had two kinds of roommates in my life:
1. ONe where we were not friends, had COMPLETLY different lives outside of the home, but fit well sharing a living space. We both were in sync when it came to cleaning and household rules. We would sit on the couch at times and chat and watch a show because it happened to be on, or one baked cookies and would mention to the other " hey feel free to grab one". But that was it.
2. BF or great friends,, accepted that maybe one was the slob or didnt pull their weight with household but heck we were friends and partied well together so who cares..

OP is a bit gray zone and I think some issues lie more with the team ( why not part of the chat group?) and your rooomate in her role as a team mate ( why didnt she mention that lunch) Either she has an issue with you and I would address that or she is just odd herself. has nothing to do with living together.

I also think it would be better for your mental health to find a roommate that actually appreciates your presence on a basic level, doesnt have to be friend level, but the vibe I am getting is that she would rather ignore you and I am sorry a home is not a place where one is found to be indifferent or ignored. Nobody deserves that.

 

[AppleDumpling]

I would address it. I think you should at least try. Do it now. As pp said, it’s the elephant in the room and will only get worse and more awkward as time goes on. Like it or not, you are going to be spending a significant amount of time together as housemates and teammates and while you don’t have to be best friends, it will be a much more pleasant experience for all involved if you are at least cordial to each other. I just can’t imagine sharing a living space (kitchen, bathroom?) and having the constant tension of never speaking/ignoring each other.

Ask to speak to her in private and have a heart-to-heart talk. Acknowledge that you are dealing with your past mental health issues. Apologize sincerely for prior conflict which may have hurt her, and assure her that you are making the effort to move forward and want to start the new year on a positive note. Offer to share rides when convenient as a practical matter that benefits you both, but accept her choice if she wants to do her own thing.

If you get a less than receptive response, then let it go, but continue to treat her respectfully. Remember, you can’t change other people, you can only change yourself and how you react to them.

 

[anniemae]

I would let it go. Like others have said, she clearly does not want anything from you beyond being roommates. If you stop trying to initiate a friendship, it may just develop on it's own. I think she needs space and the more you try to force a friendship, the more she will retreat. If you back off, she just may come around and start informing you of things or offering a ride to you. Give it time. Respect her wishes and she will respect you more. Kind of a show don't tell type of thing.

 

[Sinder]

.

 

[Princesca]

I think there is a place for saying something to her, or even leaving it in a note, that says basically something like, "It seems like you are wanting distance, and I support you in getting what you need. I just wanted to let you know that, if you ever do want to talk about how you're feeling, I'd really like that. I value the times we've spent together and am interested in resolving the apparent disconnect between us. I'll leave it up to you, as you are comfortable."

And then I think you have to let it go as best you can and let the ball be in her court.

 

[Moliphino]

I would have a conversation (not a confrontation) with her. Simply start with something like, "I know I was in a bad place last year, and I appreciate the support you gave me. As you may know, I'm doing a lot better this year, and I hope there won't be any lingering tension between us." And then see what she says. It's the elephant in the room, so you might as well get it out in the open.

Beyond that, I agree with the others. You don't have to be friends, and you don't have to do things together (including driving together to the same location). Be friendly but not pushy, make some new friends, and don't worry about what she's up to.

The group text thing should be addressed with whoever is in charge of it.

Yeah, I think a quick attempt to clear the air (doesn't even have to be in person) and then leave it up to her if she wants to engage or not.

 

[Sinder]

Leave it alone, she clearly doesn’t want any other kind of relationship. Housemates and teammates are not required to be friends so she no obligation to you.
I understand where you are coming from but you can’t control other people’s behavior, and you shouldn’t try. Let her do her thing and you do yours.
You asked if you should confront her about how she is acting, but she isnt doing anything wrong. You seem to have all these expectations of her but you should concentrate on you and how your are acting. She doesn’t owe you rides, or company or conversation. You need to accept that and move on. Find people who you connect with and don’t dwell on those you don’t.

If you are missing things that are team related you need to address that with the coach or whoever handles team communications.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

In life you will have many relationships with people where your personalities do not mesh well together. This is one of them. I would venture to guess that as uncomfortable as you are feeling, she is feeling the same way. I would just back off a bit. Understand that she just wants to be a person that exists in the same space as you and try and see how you can juggle that.

It's ok to feel offended and hurt. Not everybody wants to talk things out or work together etc. Since you live together and home should be a comfortable place I would try and ask if you could have a quick conversation to talk things over so you can both decide what your relationship will be so you can both be comfortable at home.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I was in a really bad place mentally, and I think that she just had enough of living with it.

Is it possible that during this time you may have said or done things to her?

I agree the "had enough" could account for it but also it could just be that there were things said (not even personally against her either) or it could have been done to her inadvertently by you during this time that caused her to essentially not want to be around you.

I realize that's probably hard to hear but it's something I could legitimately think of for someone to behave the way they are in aloofness as you described. It's also possible that she's had to experience things too in her past that make it harder to have dealt with the situation last year and she just doesn't want to be around that (that's just an option but isn't me saying that's what is in her background).

have to live with her for 10 more months so I feel like I might need to address it upfront.

1) Do you have to live there as in it's the only housing available or can you move out to a different place or unit within that place?

2) You can apologize for how last year was letting her know how you understand how difficult it may have been but after that I would stop attempts to engage. Give her the breathing room, if she wants to reengage that's fine, if she doesn't then she doesn't.

she left without saying anything to me. One of the coaches called me and asked me where I was, and when I told her I was at my house, she was like "your roommate is here, why aren't you".

That one I'd place blame on assuming everyone is everyone's keeper. Just because she's your roommate doesn't mean she has to be responsible for making sure you get somewhere. Even the best of friends as roommates may not always be this way. But not being on the chat part is that the only way you'd even know of a team lunch? Are you the only person on the team not on that chat? Because that would be something way more of an issue than just your roommate. The coach should be ensuring the communication is there for all teammates, though you are ultimately responsible for yourself in getting there.

 

[CGB]

Ask to speak to her in private and have a heart-to-heart talk. Acknowledge that you are dealing with your past mental health issues. Apologize sincerely for prior conflict which may have hurt her, and assure her that you are making the effort to move forward and want to start the new year on a positive note. Offer to share rides when convenient as a practical matter that benefits you both, but accept her choice if she wants to do her own thing.

If you get a less than receptive response, then let it go, but continue to treat her respectfully. Remember, you can’t change other people, you can only change yourself and how you react to them.

Agreed. Hard conversations are usually the most important ones to have. OP, you acknowledged your own issues from last year. Apologizing in person for anything you did or said to offend her and acknowledging her side of the issue is important. Offer it without any expectation of it being accepted; it's the right thing to do and will help your own mental state. One of two things will happen: she'll accept it and open up about her own feelings, which you also need to be willing to accept, or she'll continue to reject your presence. If that happens, then respectfully back off and allow her to make that choice. Cleared air and time will eventually allow healing to begin.

Communication is key in all relationships. Good luck to you.

 

[momz]

eh. These are little things. just drive yourself. Don't pressure her to be your friend, as it may take some time for her to come around. Also, you said you had some mental health challenges last year, maybe she has some this year. You never know.

But, I can tell you that roommate trouble among college women is the norm. What is weird is when there are NOT problems. Honestly, young women at your age are transitioning to adulthood, and that is stressful. Focus on getting done what you need to do each day. Keep your emotions in check, or at least keep your behavior calm...no emotional outbursts and no drama. You might be feeling like having an outburst or making drama, but suppress that behavior and find another way to relieve those feelings.

Now, imagine 4 young women living together who are all trying to keep their emotions and behavior in check, your brains will fight you on this as they are still developing....expect there to be drama, even if its in the form of not speaking to each other.