romantic getaway a no go

[minkydog]

An Update: I was hoping dh and I could go away for four nights in Aug or Oct, but dh doesn't seem on board. The whole trip would cost unde $1000 (DVC, AP, frequent flyer miles). I think he doesn't want my parents to sit our kids (6, 1, 1). When they watched them last for less than 24h we came home to chaos. The dog had eaten off the counter and pooped in the living room, Mum spilt pie all over the oven and I had to clean it and the house looked like a bomb hit it. The kids were fine. I was quite upset now that I think back, although until I thought of it again, it had slipped my mind. If the kids are fine, that's all that matters right? I'd love to get away, but perhaps dh figures it is just easier to bring everyone and save the chaos that we come home to. I must admit last time, my one night away had the shine taken off it when I got home. Thoughts.

I told my mother that we wouldn't be going away after all. Now she won't talk to me. She is offended because she thinks I don't trust her with my kids. My dh feels that the three children are a handful and that going away may have to wait a few years. When I think about it he is right. I'm really upset that she won't talk to me as I think this is an unreasonable response. What do you think? There is lots of backstory to this that I won't go into now, but things have been tough with her for a while now.

Hmmm, I have to say your story made me want to break out in a cold sweat. I love kids, but the thought of having two 1 year olds, a 6 year old, and a dog in my care makes me shudder. Perhaps there is another way to go about this. Have you thought about sending the kids to someone else's house instead of having them come to you? Have you thought about sending them to separate places so that it won't be so overwhelming to their keeper? Maybe instead of a 4 day, you could make it a 48hr getaway?

I don't think i would take the kids along. The point of the trip was a romantic getaway. No romance is gonna happen with three kids underfoot. Good luck. i hope you can work something out. But I have to tell you, we haven't had more than 4 romantic getaways in the past 30 years due to child care issues. Such is life.

 

[focusondisney]

First, I'm so sorry your mom is being such a problem. It never feels good when your own mother causes you so much pain.

Try to remember it is her that is wrong, not you. You & your DH have every right to change your plans & vacation with the whole family. No explaination is needed. Your family; your vacation; your decision.

I know you're disappointed you won't get a "romantic" vacation. But really, most people with 3 little kids don't get that chance, either. We were lucky to get a few trips alone, but more when they were school aged, not toddlers. And these years go so fast. Before you know it, they'll be grown & gone. Then you will be wishing they were small again & going with you!

It is important to stay connected to your DH. But hiring a sitter for a date night here & there might have to do for awhile. Have a great vacation with your family!!

 

[quandrea]

First, I'm so sorry your mom is being such a problem. It never feels good when your own mother causes you so much pain.

Try to remember it is her that is wrong, not you. You & your DH have every right to change your plans & vacation with the whole family. No explaination is needed. Your family; your vacation; your decision.

I know you're disappointed you won't get a "romantic" vacation. But really, most people with 3 little kids don't get that chance, either. We were lucky to get a few trips alone, but more when they were school aged, not toddlers. And these years go so fast. Before you know it, they'll be grown & gone. Then you will be wishing they were small again & going with you!

It is important to stay connected to your DH. But hiring a sitter for a date night here & there might have to do for awhile. Have a great vacation with your family!!

Thanks. We have fabulous vacations as a family. In fact, the children are on such good routines, that we do get ample alone time while away. I don't really feel all that bad about not getting away alone. We do the date thing often at home and again, because of good scheduling, the marriage gets the attention it needs. We are actually heading down to WDW next week as a family and can't wait.

The poster before you mentions that the idea of sitting for all three kids, plus the dog (2 actually) makes him/ her break out in a cold sweat. That's exactly why we reconsidered. It is so much to handle. My mum, however is taking it as a judgement of her, which it isn't.

My question this morning is this: Do I call her? She won't call me and won't talk to me so do I make the first move or just let her work it out and come around? As I said we leave next week and she may very well not speak to us before we leave. I have knots in my stomach over this. Right now, I'm dealing with all three kids sick, plus me and dh, I feel resentful that instead of calling to check on how everyone is, she's snubbing me and taking emotional energy. Uggggh!

 

[tlbwriter]

My question this morning is this: Do I call her? She won't call me and won't talk to me so do I make the first move or just let her work it out and come around?

Calling her rewards her behavior. Don't reward her for such a childish act.

 

[quandrea]

Calling her rewards her behavior. Don't reward her for such a childish act.

Thank you.

 

[wvjules]

I will never understand parents (or any adult for that matter) acting like a 2 year old. Grow up already!

 

[focusondisney]

I'd just follow my normal routine. Ignore her little snit. If you call her every day, then do that. If she doesn't take your call, oh well. If you wouldn't normally call her today, then don't. I wouldn't call just to try to appease her. You & your DH made a decision for your family. She doesn't deserve repeated explanaitions or apologies.

I hope she's not the type to hold a grudge. If you don't talk to her sooner, you could always call the day before you leave to update her on the kids sicknesses & your trip. That way you won't feel guilty the whole trip. Of course, don't do that if she's just likely to make more drama. Don't let her take your family's fun away!!

 

[quandrea]

Thanks everyone. I'll keep to my usual routine. I think that is the best idea. I've been too sick to call today, same with the three kids, but I'll try her tomorrow. If she doesn't take the call at least she knows I tried, but I'm not going to dignify her behaviour with a discussion on this. As a pp said, my family, my vacation, my decision.

 

[Disney Doll]

You say this is your mother's usual modus operandi. How does it usually resolve? Truthfully, if my mother had behaved like this on more than one occasion, the last thing I'd have is a knot in my stomach. I
d probably be doing the and going about my business. I imagine she'll call when she needs something.

 

[Liberty Belle]

That's not criteria I would use to determine whether anybody is up to watching my kid NOW. Things change. People get older and slow down, and lose some vision and hearing. Parents whose baby-raising days were a long time ago can forget how fast the little buggers move and how high they reach. I wouldn't ask my MIL to watch my child as a baby simply because, while she was a good mother 35 years ago, she's now not physically up for it. And given all the havoc that was raised when the OP's parents watched the kids for a short time, I wonder if that isn't the case with them as well.

Exactly. In my case, my stepfather didn't raise us. My son was in the RV for 30 minutes when we were almost camping together and my dad left one of his heart pills on the table and my son went to put it in his mouth. Thank goodness my mom saw him, but she likes to nap a lot and thinks nothing of leaving my dad in charge.

Now that my son is older (8), I definitely trust them to watch him, but I do not like my dad's driving (he's had several wrecks and speeding tickets) especially when my mom isn't awake to look out for him, so I don't let them take him places. They don't like it, and comment a lot, but no longer are angry, I don't think.

 

[quandrea]

Well, I took pp advice and maintained my usual routine. Called my mother today following a doctor's appt. (the whole family has been sick for a week). We chatted for a bit and then she told me again how hurt she and my father were about the holiday. She hadn't talked to me all weekend because she needed time. That upset me because she knew through my sister how sick myself and the grandkids had been (trips to ER, etc.)

Anyway, she basically slammed my whole life. She says I'm so changed since the twins were born, that I lack any warmth and seem totally unhappy. I told her that if I seem unhappy when I'm at her house it is simply that I'm working (taking care of babies etc) When we go to her place, I don't socialize much because my dh and I are so busy. She never offers to lend a hand. She suggested I find a support group. I will mention that all my relationship, except the one with her are intact. Lots of friends, good marriage, love the MIL and SIL. I would describe myself as happy, sometimes overwhelmed, but happy.

I did tell her that I am different since the babies were born. I am incredibly busy. When I think of all this now. If I'm overwhelmed, how would she be looking after them for a long weekend? I said what I need is not conflict and judgement from her but support.

She said she'll just have to get over it and hung up on me.

Lots of bad stuff was said today. I know I had part in the fight too, because I was so angry. This relationship is so strained right now and I'm so tired of it. She wants me to say I'm wrong, that I'm not living life right, etc, etc, but truth is I don't beleive that. I'm really happy in this life, except for her.

Don't know where we go from here.

 

[focusondisney]

I am so, so sorry.

I don't even know what to say. You certainly don't deserve that. How rude & uncaring of your own mom to judge your life. She should be happy that you & your DH have such a great family & are doing well, when so many yourg families are struggling.

Of course you are tired, you have 3 little kids. You are supposed to be tired, LOL! That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or your life. It just means you're a mom of 3 kids.

I'm sorry your mom can't see that. I have had small issues with my mom over the years. She likes to make "joking" comments that are really judgemental or a joking "dig". These are not just directed at me, but are sometimes general life comments. I find myself less tolerant as I get older. But I'm in my 50's & my kids are grown, so I can limit my contact more than I used to. You may have to make hard decisions about how much comtact you can have & how much you'll put up with.

I hope you'll be able to get this off your mind & have a great vacation with your family. Thank goodness you have your DH, in-laws & friends to help you thru. Hugs & please don't be hard on yourself!

 

[tlbwriter]

Well, that stinks.

I think you might have to face the fact that you are never going to have the relationship you want with your mother, and start expecting less from her.

 

[quandrea]

I am so, so sorry.

I don't even know what to say. You certainly don't deserve that. How rude & uncaring of your own mom to judge your life. She should be happy that you & your DH have such a great family & are doing well, when so many yourg families are struggling.

Of course you are tired, you have 3 little kids. You are supposed to be tired, LOL! That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or your life. It just means you're a mom of 3 kids.

I'm sorry your mom can't see that. I have had small issues with my mom over the years. She likes to make "joking" comments that are really judgemental or a joking "dig". These are not just directed at me, but are sometimes general life comments. I find myself less tolerant as I get older. But I'm in my 50's & my kids are grown, so I can limit my contact more than I used to. You may have to make hard decisions about how much comtact you can have & how much you'll put up with.

I hope you'll be able to get this off your mind & have a great vacation with your family. Thank goodness you have your DH, in-laws & friends to help you thru. Hugs & please don't be hard on yourself!

Thank you so much. You say how you are less tolerant of your mum than in the past. I think I'm there too. I think mum wants me to say I'm wrong. I thought back today to when my parents fought when I was a child. I used to beg my dad to just say he was wrong so it could be over. I won't do that and that is the crux of the problem. I'm changed because I won't admit the guilt she perceives I should hold. I may have to limit contact as you said. dh and I were taking about it and he said she will not change. As disappointing as that is I accept it. Just need to figure out how to have a relationsip with her. She is my mother after all.

 

[Ceila]

Last June, when dd, then 10m nearly choked on my Mum's dog's fur, she didn't talk to me for a week because I jumped up from the lunch table to dislodge the fur from dd's throat. She said I embarassed her terribly in front of her friends.

So what would your mother have preferred?? To have your daughter choke, just as long as you didn't embarrass her?? That would concern me enough to question whether she should ever watch my kids at all, let alone for a few days.

 

[quandrea]

So what would your mother have preferred?? To have your daughter choke, just as long as you didn't embarrass her?? That would concern me enough to question whether she should ever watch my kids at all, let alone for a few days.

She mentioned this again today.Told me I was out of line then too.

 

[tlbwriter]

She mentioned this again today.Told me I wa out of line then too.

Do you need any more evidence that your mother does not have your best interests at heart?

I know you said you can't cut her off because she's your mother, but really, you can have whatever kind of relationship you want. If someone is willing to let your child suffer and maybe even die rather than be embarrassed... well, DNA isn't strong enough to tie me to such a person.

 

[okeydokey]

I'm so sorry. That sound's awful.

If you don't think you need to apologize, then don't. You are right to have your feelings. Maybe she's have a hard time with thing's changing so much since the twins, and can only see how it effects her personally without seeing how your life has changed too.

It sounds like you have a good handle on your new life and are happy about it, so that's what is important.