Ridiculous wedding expectations

[ellie05]

DH was asked to be a groomsman at one of his close friends wedding. They live far from us so it is already going to cost us over $1000 between flights and hotel for the weekend which we are fine with until yesterday.

DH got an email from the best man they want to take the groom on an Alaskan fishing trip for his bachelor party. Of course they would have to split the grooms cost on top of his portion of the trip. We are thinking no way DH doesn't even like to fish! I feel weddings have gotten completely out of hand it is not like we have been married that long, but I would have never except my wedding party to pay for something so ridiculous for me unless they were Bill gates. Sorry I just needed to vent. To make matters worst this friend didn't come to our wedding because plane tickets were too expensive .

 

[kamik86]

Honestly its not just a time thing but just some people's expectations. I got married pretty young and in a low key ceremony but some do go all out.

Now I could see doing a guys weekend and doing a fishing trip if everyone would like it. But around here that would mean renting a cabin in one of the camp grounds and someone towing their boat up to it.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Your husband has a right to say that that is outside of your budget in consideration with the cost of your attendance and other obligations. He has the right to suggest alternatives.

 

[MagicaDeSpell]

Ouch! I agree, weddings can be bankrupting for all involved these days and this is a little more extreme than asking bridesmaids to pay for their dresses.

If you two are fine with the expenses associated with just attending the wedding as a groomsman and wife, can you simply say no to the Alaskan fishing trip without bowing out of that part?

 

[Nami]

I think you are within your rights to say that the Alaskan request is outside of your financial ability. That is an unfair request from my POV, especially if the same consideration was not given to you with your wedding.

 

[Miss Whimsy]

I have a coworker who is in her "wedding years" and has gone to like half a dozen destination bachelorette parties in the past year--it's just the way things are done in her set. But for her, as ridiculous as it seems to me, it's the standard, not the exception. This situation sounds like--if he didn't even come to your wedding at all!--this is an exception. And in respect to the groom, sounds like it might just be the best man's idea? If enough people say "no, that's too much $$" maybe the best man can reset his expectations and come up with a bachelor party idea closer to home.

 

[ellie05]

I have a coworker who is in her "wedding years" and has gone to like half a dozen destination bachelorette parties in the past year--it's just the way things are done in her set. But for her, as ridiculous as it seems to me, it's the standard, not the exception. This situation sounds like--if he didn't even come to your wedding at all!--this is an exception. And in respect to the groom, sounds like it might just be the best man's idea? If enough people say "no, that's too much $$" maybe the best man can reset his expectations and come up with a bachelor party idea closer to home.

I have no problem with destination bachelor weekend. In fact my sister is getting married next year and I am maid of honor and DH is the best man. My sister fiancé loves to fish so DH was thinking of renting a cabin in the smokey mountains (driving distance for everyone). They don't need to rent a boat. The whole weekend split between the wedding party is less than $500. This Alaskan trip would cost us well over $3500 between plane tickets, lodging, food, etc.

Could we afford it yes, but it is more we don't want to. We don't want to spend $3500 in something DH is not really going to enjoy and that is money we rather use to take trips together or just spend it as we see fit and it is not to pay for someone else's Alaskan fishing trip.

 

[davper]

A bit off topic...
...I went on an Alaskan Fishing Trip for a bachelors party once. It was the best 3 days in Vegas I ever had.

 

[elaine amj]

UGH. That's awful. I'm so glad DH's friends ideas of bachelor parties is just going out for dinner downtown. The craziest they got was hiring a gorilla to deliver a message to the groom.

I'd definitely push back and explain that the Alaskan fishing trip is out of your budget. I can see big trips like that if that group of friends already do travel together normally or if there are frequent extravagant trips in their social circle. For a wedding party to spend so very much more than normal to help you celebrate is just crazy to me.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Thing is if he bows out and the other people still decide to go your DH may still be expected to pay for his portion of the grooms trip since he is a groomsman. Around here the bridal party splits the cost of the bride/groom portion of bachelor party evenly. I'm in a wedding in September and we just booked our weekend in Atlantic City.

Now if it were me and the grooms portion was $3500 there is no way I would be splitting that. It's outrageous. I would simply say that I'm not attending or paying his portion for that expensive of a trip.

I have been invited to destination weddings which I've gone to with one coming up next year. But I have to draw the line on destination bachelorette parties. It just gets completely out of hand. The last destination wedding I went to the bride also had a destination bachelorette party. Ridiculous IMO.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Thing is if he bows out and the other people still decide to go your DH may still be expected to pay for his portion of the grooms trip since he is a groomsman. Around here the bridal party splits the cost of the bride/groom portion of bachelor party evenly. I'm in a wedding in September and we just booked our weekend in Atlantic City.

Now if it were me and the grooms portion was $3500 there is no way I would be splitting that. It's outrageous. I would simply say that I'm not attending or paying his portion for that expensive of a trip.

I have been invited to destination weddings which I've gone to with one coming up next year. But I have to draw the line on destination bachelorette parties. It just gets completely out of hand. The last destination wedding I went to the bride also had a destination bachelorette party. Ridiculous IMO.

Agree completely! But I'm more of a traditionalist. What's wrong with a good ol'fashioned night on the town?

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Agree completely! But I'm more of a traditionalist. What's wrong with a good ol'fashioned night on the town?

I agree!

For us AC isn't costing us that much since the bridal party is 10 people and we live 45 minutes away. We rented a huge suite and are paying $100 per person. The bride is in a different suite with her MOH and a few other friends. Her portion is about $20 split between us. We're doing a stripper cruise at $50 per person and splitting her portion. Then hitting a couple night clubs and bars Friday and Saturday nights.

I've been invited to parties in Miami, Maryland, Dominican Republic just to name a few. No thanks!

 

[MagicaDeSpell]

Could we afford it yes, but it is more we don't want to. We don't want to spend $3500 in something DH is not really going to enjoy and that is money we rather use to take trips together or just spend it as we see fit and it is not to pay for someone else's Alaskan fishing trip.

I think that's perfectly reasonable. For many people, $3500 is a family vacation and it seems out of bounds to plan another family's vacation for them without their input. I think sometimes the bride and groom forget that while they're getting married is once in a lifetime for them, attending weddings and bachelor/ette parties is not a once in a lifetime event, so the expense can really stick in your craw after a few of them.

FWIW, I'm also in the NY metropolitan area (like it seems some other posters are), but destination pre-wedding parties haven't been the norm so far. The grooms have had poker and other game nights, and the brides have mostly gone out to clubs, but generally all local if not at home.

 

[2Gma]

I would have your DH talk to his friend, the groom. Your DH should explain that the Alaskan trip seems a bit expensive for a bachelor party and that he'd rather spend the money on travel expenses to come to the actual wedding. This friend should understand given he couldn't afford to come to your wedding.

The whole wedding/bachelor/ette party/shower thing has gotten out of control. I think people today feel compelled to have a big bash just so they can post it all online. If people would just stop and think how much better that money could be used for buying a house, paying down loans or investing...sigh.

 

[HM]

Egads. I think I'd have to bow out completely at this point. This won't be the end of the money pit, I'm betting.

 

[kamik86]

One thing to note... make sure this isn't just a case of the best man having money and assuming the rest of the world does too before you bow out of the entire thing. For all we know posting here the groom isn't aware of any of this!

My sister tried to guilt all of us kids into throwing a huge party for my Dad's retirement. She called it small but it was larger then my wedding so I call it huge. My father hates the spot light and would have been miserable. My sister just assumed that because she would want everything to be about her that Dad would too. (Her invite list was longer then Dad's facebook friend list...)

 

[ellie05]

One thing to note... make sure this isn't just a case of the best man having money and assuming the rest of the world does too before you bow out of the entire thing. For all we know posting here the groom isn't aware of any of this!

My sister tried to guilt all of us kids into throwing a huge party for my Dad's retirement. She called it small but it was larger then my wedding so I call it huge. My father hates the spot light and would have been miserable. My sister just assumed that because she would want everything to be about her that Dad would too. (Her invite list was longer then Dad's facebook friend list...)

I totally wish this was the case but the groom knows. I honestly can't even imagine asking someone something so ridiculous! The groom and the rest of the party live in New England we are the only ones that live far from them. But even then airfare to Alaska is over $500 piece (it was about the same to come to our wedding), $2200 for the fishing excursion and lodging, plus food and drinks and then split that times 4 to pay for the groom part and take a week off work!

I guess I would understand if the groom was well off, but that is not the case. The only one in the wedding party that I think could easily afford this is grooms dad which is also a groomsman. I am not sure how this is going to turn out.

 

[bbak30]

He can decline the invitation for the bachelor party. He isn't required to attend.
That is a very very expensive bachelor party. Ouch.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

He can decline the invitation for the bachelor party. He isn't required to attend.
That is a very very expensive bachelor party. Ouch.

But will they "require" or ask him to still cover his portion of the grooms trip since he's a groomsman. I would decline that part too.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Egads. I think I'd have to bow out completely at this point. This won't be the end of the money pit, I'm betting.

Like this poster, I might have your husband approach the groom and bow out completely. I was in a wedding once and my friend understood I would be a bridesmaid who wouldn't contribute anything to any activity (except a wedding shower gift, a wedding gift, and buying my bridesmaid dress) b/c I was poor, out of town and pregnant with my 1st (so I'd miss all the parties anyway). She and I talked about this, before I accepted a bridesmaid position...and I was in her wedding. If she hadn't been okay with it, I'd have bowed out right at the get go. And she, the bride, let the maid of honor know, so I didn't have to be the bad guy to someone I didn't know (it was the groom's sis)...