Ridiculous wedding expectations

[Vernie822]

I totally understand where your DH is coming from. I asked my bridesmaids, 9 months in advance, if they would like to go to Nashville for my bachelorette party. Flights were $97 each way and we could split a hotel room for 2 nights. Not over the top, but I understand its expensive. I told everyone I would absolutely understand if they couldn't make it. Some friends could not and we had an awesome weekend tasting wine at some wineries instead.

Yes, weddings can be over the top. But if his friend isn't willing to accept "No" as an answer to your husband's reply, that's on him (the groom, not your DH). He should understand!

 

[ellie05]

But will they "require" or ask him to still cover his portion of the grooms trip since he's a groomsman. I would decline that part too.

I can tell you there is no way we are paying $800-$900 for my DH "part". I feel anything over $500 is just too much for a bachelor weekend. And in that $500 the groom part should be included (like the weekend you were talking about). I would go up to $800 for my very best friend or my sister. We still have to pay for airfare to the wedding, hotels, car rental and DH clothes, plus gift.

The thing is now after this I feel he is taking advantage of the situation, but it is also going to be a very difficult line to draw without hurting the relationship. DH is godfather to his daughter so we know them very well we also know of their financial situation, because they have been trying to get their Daughter to Disney and they haven't been able to do that. They are finally going to do it next April. I think his mom is paying the lodging and we are paying for DH goddaughter Disney tickets. I get that he can't afford this Alaskan fishing trip, but I think it is ridiculous to expect your wedding party to pay for it. We are leaving for Disney in the morning and DH doesn't want to deal with it until we come back. He wants to enjoy our vacation and we will see how things turn out when we get back.

 

[Anthony1971]

First you need to find out the cost... the person planning needs to have a package and total cost and supply it to everyone. I have gone to Reno and Vegas for my close friends and this is from NY... even with the cost of um so called extras and a lot of booze we spent no where near 3500 a person. If he does not want to spend what the number is on a bachelor party he can certainly decline for the reason of cost.

 

[ellie05]

First you need to find out the cost... the person planning needs to have a package and total cost and supply it to everyone. I have gone to Reno and Vegas for my close friends and this is from NY... even with the cost of um so called extras and a lot of booze we spent no where near 3500 a person. If he does not want to spend what the number is on a bachelor party he can certainly decline for the reason of cost.

We do have the cost I posted in a couple of follow up replies. It is $2200 per person for lodging and fishing expedition. We looked at tickets from our airport it is $667. We are assuming at least $100 a day for food. That is another $800. Reno and Vegas are both cheap vacation destination and Alaska is not. That comes out to $3667 for DH part alone. Divide that by 4 it is $916 for the grooms part. That is a total of $4584 we will have to pay.

 

[ldo]

just say no! Maybe others have big spending budgets with great jobs. I would talk either the best man (if it is a surprise) or to the groom and say that he is honored and plans to be at the wedding and would be happy to be groomsman, but won't be able to participate/pay for pre-activities and understands if he wants to ask someone else. Then let the groom decide with no hard feelings either way. I also think the best man is a bit rude to even ask for something that much from others. For something that $$$, let him pay for it. What about student loans, saving for a house, etc.

 

[DisneyHardin]

We do have the cost I posted in a couple of follow up replies. It is $2200 per person for lodging and fishing expedition. We looked at tickets from our airport it is $667. We are assume at least $100 a day for food. That is another $800. Reno and Vegas are both cheap vacation destination and Alaska is not. That comes out to $3667 for DH part alone. Divide that by 4 it is $916 for the grooms part. That is a total of $4584 we will have to pay.

That's crazy. Are the other guys in the wedding able to afford an almost $5000 vacation? I can't even imagine my DH going on a vacation that expensive for a bachelor party weekend that didn't even include me.

 

[jvattes]

DH got an email from the best man they want to take the groom on an Alaskan fishing trip for his bachelor party. Of course they would have to split the grooms cost on top of his portion of the trip.

There is something wrong with people nowadays.

A girl I work with, young girl, is getting married in June. Her bachelorette "party" was a three night weekend at swanky resort on Sanibel Island. This was a costly affair for those who wanted to (or, in the case of the bridal party had to) attend.

Whatever happened to a night out???

I'm glad I'm not young these days. This stuff is the stuff of nightmares.

 

[LJSquishy]

Well, I wouldn't even be willing to spend $1,000 to attend a friend's wedding so you being willing to even attend and have your husband participate as a groomsman is more than generous in my book. I would never spend thousands of dollars on a vacation that wasn't a destination of my choice. Since your husband isn't interested in fishing, politely decline the invitation -- whether he says he's declining due to the expense of it, the fact that he doesn't like fishing, or because he can't take vacation time -- the reason doesn't really matter. He's also not required to contribute toward the groom's trip expenses. Since you live outside of driving distance of the groom, I'd be shocked if he expected your husband to attend anything aside from the actual wedding ceremony. Vacation days are precious and I'd never use them for a trip with a bunch of other people aside from my own family.

This is only the beginning, so stand your ground now. There are constantly weddings, baby showers, birthday parties, etc and you'll get sucked dry if you don't stick to your guns. We learned early on to politely decline almost everything...sometimes we just couldn't afford it, and other times we just didn't want others to dictate how we spent our money. We are a single income family and budget very carefully year round, not going on little getaways, not buying extra clothing, etc so we want to dictate how to spend our fun money.

 

[jvattes]

destination bachelorette parties.

But... aren't you going to Atlantic City for a weekend?...

 

[mi*vida*loca]

But... aren't you going to Atlantic City for a weekend?...

I live in South Jersey. AC is a 45 minute drive for me. I don't consider the Jersey Shore a destination. The bachelorette party is in July. We go to the shore just about every Saturday in the summer anyway.

 

[georgina]

I agree OP's DH is within his rights to not go to the fishing weekend and refuse to pay for it. That kind of expense needs to be disclosed when asking people to be in weddings, IMO. My DD is getting married this summer and the women are planning to rent a limo and visit some local wineries for a bachelorette party. There are more friends besides the attendants invited, which is new to me, but I guess more common now. No one is required to attend, my other DD is in the wedding but has a summer internship across the country and will not be flying twice within a month, so she will miss the bachelorette party.I guess I had better check if she (me) should pay something towards the party.

 

[Nebraska_Disney]

I am under the impression that as a "best man" or "maid of honor" I would take it upon myself to provide an experience that is fun and what EVERYONE agrees to, not just my ideas. If this is going to be a continuing issue, I'd bow out right now and just explain that it is not financially possible to be a part of all of this, but thank you anyway.

Most anyone who was a true friend would not be too happy with any of this. If they are or are shaking their head at your husband, again.....time to bow out.

 

[Narnia_girl]

I have no problem with destination bachelor weekend. In fact my sister is getting married next year and I am maid of honor and DH is the best man. My sister fiancé loves to fish so DH was thinking of renting a cabin in the smokey mountains (driving distance for everyone). They don't need to rent a boat. The whole weekend split between the wedding party is less than $500. This Alaskan trip would cost us well over $3500 between plane tickets, lodging, food, etc.

Could we afford it yes, but it is more we don't want to. We don't want to spend $3500 in something DH is not really going to enjoy and that is money we rather use to take trips together or just spend it as we see fit and it is not to pay for someone else's Alaskan fishing trip.

I would guess not all the groomsmen can afford this or if they can, like you, don't want to shell out that kind of $$. Your husband could be the hero for standing up to this friendly extortion. The other groomsmen may feel the same way but don't have the nerve to say no. Your husband could be helping them save some serious cash.

But will they "require" or ask him to still cover his portion of the grooms trip since he's a groomsman. I would decline that part too.

I must be way out of touch, so how does that work? You say 'no' and they send you a bill? Then what?



Edited to add: OP-Have a great Disney trip!!

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I would guess not all the groomsmen can afford this or if they can, like you, don't want to shell out that kind of $$. Your husband could be the hero for standing up to this friendly extortion. The other groomsmen may feel the same way but don't have the nerve to say no. Your husband could be helping them save some serious cash.


I must be way out of touch, so how does that work? You say 'no' and they send you a bill? Then what?



Edited to add: OP-Have a great Disney trip!!

I think for most bachelor parties it's expected that the groomsmen cover the grooms portion. When declining to go I would also be clear and tell them I won't be paying for the grooms portion either.

 

[shoney]

I'm in my 40's and this stuff wasn't done when we were younger.

My niece is 28 and I know that it done in her circles. It starts with big weekend getaways (Cancun, Vegas, Miami) for 25th b-day parties and continues with bachelorette parties. While she does say it costs a lot, she doesn't seem to mind. They are all college educated successful people and most are single. I have a funny feeling that those who get married last in the circle will find that their friends aren't as willing to travel and participate in big destination things. But, what do I know!

 

[Jen and Ashwin]

I had a destination bridal shower/bachelorette party as a 3 night cruise out of Miami. My mom and my maid of honor organized it. The cruise cost $259 and airfare was in the $150 range for most people. It was a few girlfriends, plus my mom, my MIL, my aunt and my grandma. I paid for myself and I split the cost of my aunt's fare with my mom as well. She was super excited about the trip, but had financial troubles at the last minute, so we worked it out.

In my defense, everyone except one person in my bridal party and all of my family live 6+ hours drive from me and in all different places (New York, Kansas, Illinois, Ohio, Toronto). Everyone would have had to fly to attend an event no matter what and flying to where I live now or my hometown for a combined shower/bachelorette didn't seem that fun. It would actually have been more expensive and logistically harder than the cruise for most people.

Only one bridesmaid couldn't attend, but that was due to work, not expenses. And I was so happy that everyone came, so I made up goodie bags with a linen scarf, a floppy sun hat and a carry-all leather bag with an anchor for each person. It was a great time and I don't think it was too excessive. But I would not have been upset if anyone declined due to costs. And honestly, depending on the type of event, hosting a bridal shower and bachelorette party locally could have ended up costing as much as the cruise did given food, alcohol and space rental costs.

But a $4500 trip to Alaska? I would definitely decline.

 

[crisi]

I think for most bachelor parties it's expected that the groomsmen cover the grooms portion. When declining to go I would also be clear and tell them I won't be paying for the grooms portion either.

I went to a bachelor party for one of my dearest friends. I gave him five ones for the strippers g-string and bought him a beer. (It was a cheap strip joint). Including my own spending, I think I was out $8 on the night (don't drink beer and I don't tend to buy myself $1 lap dances).

It was twenty years ago, so I'd expect to spend about $20 now.

 

[manning]

Ha, all that money for a wedding and a vast majority get divorced. As one father said to the soon be SIL 'let me know ahead of time so I can get the best ladder money will buy. In other words elope and save the money for a down payment for a house'.

Advise well taken.

 

[kathy884]

I think other posters have nailed it on the head. Just be up front and let others know that the Alaskan fishing trip just doesn't fit with your budget. Do what you are comfortable with and want to do and just say "No" to the other stuff. Alaska is soooo expensive. I know that we considered doing a cruise, cruise tour and cruise, or land trip there (as it is a beautiful pristine natural place), but decided no as the price just didn't make it worth it for us. We instead picked other US West destinations that are lovely and literally half the cost or a third the cost, fitting very well into our normal more modest vacation budget. It was Colorado last summer, another part of Colorado this year, South Dakota next year, and we see a trip to Bar Harbor/Acadia in Maine in our future too, but not Alaska.

Things have gotten pretty wild and crazy with so many people waiting till their early 30s to get married. The 30 somethings in our office, as another poster mentioned seem to be doing bachelorette parties in Las Vegas, Mexico, and the Caribbean quite a bit (I don't know as much about what the guys are doing). I was quite a bit younger than that when I got married (only 24) and my bachelorette party was at my maid of honors apartment -- home made burgers, salad, and margaritas (and guest and I just had one or two of these.) Something more exotic didn't even cross my mind.

And it's not just the parties, but the ceremonies that have changed too. There are a lot more destination weddings. And shows like "Say Yes to the Dress" and various wedding competition shows have gotten people into more upscale weddings, nothing like the Indian IT workers I work with though who have unbelievable over the top week long parties etc. that they go back to India for two weeks for. We are still even with all the changes way less over the top than that -- by miles literally.

Lots of these 30 somethings are paying for their own weddings too rather than having mom and dad fit the bill. Or in some cases both are paying meaning a bigger budget too (double the money to spend).

*****************************************************************************

It's fine, of course, to do some exotic fun things like this if the time and money aren't and issue and you want to go. But if any one of those isn't the case, just say "Sounds wonderful, but I need to pass."

 

[Nayan]

I would just bow out of the whole thing, including the wedding. "We would love to attend your wedding, but after taking a close look at our budget it's just something we can't afford at this time". Send a gift and tell them you'll be thinking of them on that day. If he understands, great. If not, then he's truly not as great a friend, especially since he knows how much airfare is as he didn't attend your wedding due to costs.