Retired in-laws and new vehicles (grumble, not rant)

[eliza61]

I love my ILs dearly, have known them for 30 years, but they're driving DH crazy, so I get the fallout...

Neither saved for retirement, or have any pension except social security.

If they would be frugal, they could live ok, but both "have" to work p/t and why?

Because each INSISTS on having a new car every five years! Both SIL and I have gone over the numbers with them repeatedly, but it's now to the point that we just have to say, "no complaining about work if you insist on having a new vehicle!"

MIL is on a search for a new one right now, despite the fact that her little KIA four door only has 40000 miles on it with a 100K warranty, and she only drives it maybe 10 miles a day .

Not my worry, I know, but I hate to see DH and his siblings upset by it...

Terri

So in laws could live ok if they lived FRUGALLY. So imo this is not "writing" the parents off. They each (as in two) insist on new cars.

 

[tar heel]

I don't know the answer, Eliza. My parents didn't run out of money b/c they both died, but had they both lived a year longer, they would have. I was angry about the car, and the $25,000 they spent on it would have given them more months with money, too. I wouldn't have punished them by not helping, though.

I meant writing off if and when they get in trouble, such as in the situation my parents did with the income suddenly ending.

I think the fact that there is no answer is one reason it's so frustrating to the OP.

 

[eliza61]

Oh absolutely TH. I'm fighting this battle slightly different with my brother. My family and I had to kinda draw some parameters. And like I said the problem now is he's getting older and his health it's failing. But I can't jepordize my sons college tuition to help him, I've got to draw some sort of line.
Let me definitely say guys I totally understand the "tongue biting",frustration

 

[OLT2004]

To the OP...
I hear you and I feel your pain.
I am kind of sort of in the same situation.

My advice is to protect your own assets.
Keep your distance from their problems.

Be caring, be compassionate, be understanding but do not enable their lifestyle by giving them money or paying any of their bills.

Do Not Co Sign for anything.

Prepare yourself for Funeral Expenses.

Good Luck.

 

[crisi]

See, I disagree. She says that "Neither saved for retirement, or have any pension except social security."

ALL they have is SS. That doesn't sound like fun times to me. If they are anything like my FIL, they might have taken SS *early*, making it even harder for them. If all my MIL had to live on was her late husband's SS, she would *barely* be able to pay her rent, let alone feed herself.

So maybe they didn't "fall" there recently, but it's not like they are on easy street, either...seems to me that this situation was long in the making and that they've been there for awhile.

The OP's in laws aren't "falling into hard times" That's closing your eyes to the reality of retirement and JUMPING into them.

My mother in law stumbled into hard times for retirement. A long time SAHM, she got divorced, got screwed in the divorce because she is truly a nice person, held jobs for 20 years that didn't pay well, got laid off late in her career, had health problems which combined with the layoff forced early retirement, didn't save much for retirement when she did work, and has a tiny social security check due to her work history and early retirement. But her car is fifteen years old, she thrift shops nearly everything and her big vice is expensive groceries.

We give her a hand - usually checks for Christmas, Mother's Day and her Birthday.

 

[girli565]

I love my ILs dearly, have known them for 30 years, but they're driving DH crazy, so I get the fallout...

Neither saved for retirement, or have any pension except social security.

If they would be frugal, they could live ok, but both "have" to work p/t and why?

Because each INSISTS on having a new car every five years! Both SIL and I have gone over the numbers with them repeatedly, but it's now to the point that we just have to say, "no complaining about work if you insist on having a new vehicle!"

MIL is on a search for a new one right now, despite the fact that her little KIA four door only has 40000 miles on it with a 100K warranty, and she only drives it maybe 10 miles a day .

Not my worry, I know, but I hate to see DH and his siblings upset by it...

Terri

This is my MIL. She works as a nanny and gives massages on her off time (she's licensed). She has absolutely no retirement, she says she plans on working her whole life, yet has had major health problems in the last few years. She just turned 60 and I don't think she can work much longer with the issues shes been having.

The icing on the cake is that she just financed a new car for her daughter, my SIL, in my her name, not my SIL name. My SIL is a royal mess-up and defaulted on her last car loan to where they were practically repo-ing her car and my MIL had to come in and take a loan against the house to pay off what she owed so she wouldn't lose the car. REALLY?! But yes, let's get her a new $27k car to mess up on again!

I try to ignore it but it irks my husband so bad, he comes home from visiting his mom's house and is in such a horrible mood that I can't help but get upset with him. It's a vicious cycle that will never get better.

 

[robinb]

Oh absolutely TH. I'm fighting this battle slightly different with my brother. My family and I had to kinda draw some parameters. And like I said the problem now is he's getting older and his health it's failing. But I can't jepordize my sons college tuition to help him, I've got to draw some sort of line.
Let me definitely say guys I totally understand the "tongue biting",frustration

I think there is a difference between a parent and a sibling. I have a sibling who is clueless about finances and between her and my BIL they have run their family into the ground with their poor decisions and reckless spending. I will not step in to save them when they have had so many opportunities to save themselves. Unfortunately, I cannot set the same parameters with my mother. Still, I see what you are saying about drawing a line. My DH and I have discussed this ourselves and we are scared spitless that we might find ourselves in the same situation as my mother (on SS & VA with 4x her annual income in debt) so our DD's college fund and our own retirement (both the retirement money itself and the current earmarked monthly savings) remains completely off limits. We will help as much as we can by throwing the life saving ring, but we won't get in the water and possibly be taken down with her.

 

[eliza61]

I think there is a difference between a parent and a sibling. I have a sibling who is clueless about finances and between her and my BIL they have run their family into the ground with their poor decisions and reckless spending. I will not step in to save them when they have had so many opportunities to save themselves. Unfortunately, I cannot set the same parameters with my mother. ring, but we won't get in the .

LOL. That's because of the emotional strings with our parents. For the most part we are raised and believe that are parents are well, parents. They make smart decisions, they are wiser etc etc.

Have you heard of the term "sandwhich" generation? Now folks in their 40's, 50"s have their kids to deal with and also their parents. and if those parents aren't doing things so smart. Whew talk about tension.

I also think though to give some parents a little leadway, it's a brand new financial world and they takes some readjusting thinking.

For example, one of my biggest regrets is that I started saving "late" in life. when I first started working there was no such thing as 401K's. I'm probably one of the last folks who still gets a defined pension (not federal or state employee). We did have the mentality that you worked some where 30 years and could live comfortably, not fabulously on your pension and ss.

 

[robinb]

Have you heard of the term "sandwhich" generation? Now folks in their 40's, 50"s have their kids to deal with and also their parents. and if those parents aren't doing things so smart. Whew talk about tension.

I am the turkey in that sandwich . My in-laws are in their 80's, my mom is in her 70's, my DD is a teen and my DH and I are in our 50's.

 

[esk]

OP,

you could be writing for a lot of us.

My MIL got virtually nothing in the divorce 20 years ago, so she dabbled in working.....she sold a little real estate, she worked at Wal-Mart, she did this job, that job, but nothing consistent, because, well, she doesn't like to work. Always has an excuse....."I can't stand" "I can't sit" "I have carpal tunnel""I have migranes"" They treat me like a slave""They won't give me hours" and so on and so on. No matter what the job is, she can't/won't do it.

But she does like to spend. About every 3 years, DH and SIL would sit down with her and have an intervention. BIL and I would not participate, we'd watch a game on TV instead (shoot me now....). And every time, we'd pay off the credit card bills. She lived with SIL for a while, in theory to help with the kids but she didn't actually help. But she did eat a lot and buy lots of things.

About 8 years ago, BIL and I put our feet down....no more bailing MIL out. Convinced our spouses to wash their hands of it all.

MIL now collects (early) social security and got some $$ when her parents passed away, but has health issues and the social security isn't much. She is going to run through her inheritance very quickly and I have told DH very firmly she is not living with us, nor are we going to support her. He totally agrees.

It would be different if she'd been working regularly, or wasn't buying out QVC on a nightly basis, or was digging out from a health disaster or something, but how many smelly candles and throw blankets does one single 65 year old woman need? How many framed quotes does she need? Why does she need serving trays when she doesn't actually cook?

There is a certain amount of child guilt, that parents spent money on us, raising us, and in theory sacrificed for us. DH never went hungry but there were no WDW trips, no new cars at 16, no lavish Christmas's....his parents were blue collar and provided. But he doesn't feel that he has to provide for MIL, after all her years of frittering....

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[danceintherain]

I think it's important to get to the root of why they want a new car every few years. Is it a status thing, or is it a security thing? Unfortunately, old cars break down, and that can be really frustrating, especially for older people. If they're trading them in while they're still under warranty, then the status thing is more likely though.

Past that, I understand where you're coming from. My Mom worries me. She finally got her long-awaited divorce from my Dad, and I sure hope she gets her priorities straight soon. Her divorce settlement was sizable, and she has a full time job as a teacher (special education, so more secure than a lot of other teaching jobs) but money disappears fast if you spend it, and her Achilles heel is helping/pleasing others. I hope she soon realizes that she needs to be her own first priority, and starts making choices that keep her within her income.

 

[valee]

I think it's important to get to the root of why they want a new car every few years. Is it a status thing, or is it a security thing? Unfortunately, old cars break down, and that can be really frustrating, especially for older people. If they're trading them in while they're still under warranty, then the status thing is more likely though.
QUOTE]
It would be very helpful to directly ask them exactly WHY they want a new car, in a non-judgemental way. Not just "because I want one".

You could bring it up as part of discussion about your own cars, where you calmly present your philosophy on when YOU plan to get a new car. "Our car's getting older, but since it still runs well, we'll put off getting another one so that we've got money to put in little Suzy's college fund and our retirement fund. We've crunched the numbers, and even if we have to put a new transmission in, it would be cheaper than getting a new one, between the car payments and the higher insurance on a newer car. Since we've all got cell phones, and have that roadside service contract, we're not worried about getting stranded if it should happen to break down.

I've used this approach with seniors and also with kids to get them to stop and really think about why they want something, and want it more than something else that the money could be used for. When I'm grocery shopping with kids, I'll sometimes point out things I'd like to buy, but that I'm not going to, because I need that money for something else. the kids learn fast that if they come up with some snack they GOTTA have, I'll just ask them what other thing they don't want, to cover the cost.

 

[Sleepy425]

Maybe there's no inheritance for then to collect in the end. I know I have a friend her parents are the same way. No money in saving nothing to leave behind and they are mad about it. They talk about how they will have to take care of them someday. No life insurance either. They talk about how there parents has spent money for years. But what about when they were growing up. I'm sure that money was spent on them too.





My IL are the opposite. They have saved for years. They are both retired and in there 80's, have gone on trips every year for the last 20 years. They own our mortgage. We have paid them every month for over 20 years. They have only spend very little of that money. So the money will come back to us and my DH sibling. Their funeral is all paid for so no one has to deal with that. Every time they go on a trip they always tell us that "they are spending our inheritance" I say spend it. No parent is responsible to leaving their kids or grandkids money.

It is not about expecting an inheritance, it is about not having to worry about being responsible for an elderly relative. My FIL is awful with money. Every time he refinances his house (to take money out), buys a new car, or does something else foolish with his money I get anxiety because I know that my husband and I will be the ones who have to help him out in a few years. He has already had a heart attack and stroke. If he has to go into a nursing home do you think we should just choose the cheapest one that his disability check could afford? Highly doubted. And should we just not have a funeral for him because he has no savings? Again, doubted. These things will be coing out of our pockets.
I don't want an inheritance. I just don't want his bills.