relationship advice requested

[gemmie214]

It's just so frustrating because I am a worrier and there's always a chance that I'm just over-thinking things. IF that whole text-message incident was just the girls sending him someone else's message (since there were no responses from him), would your opinions be the same?
QUOTE]

Yes, my opinion would be the same because even if you take out the whole texting at all he still has a lot of other very fishy stuff going on.

I still say: Take a break for awhile, support yourself, feel self reliant and let him work on him. If it is meant to be you both will be stronger for the break.

 

[Cosmic_Charlie]

IF that whole text-message incident was just the girls sending him someone else's message (since there were no responses from him), would your opinions be the same?

If you believe this then there is a certain Bridge in Brooklyn I would like to sell you.

 

[disykat]

Counseling might be a good idea. You're obviously a smart girl, maybe you need to do some thinking about why you are making excuses to keep someone in your life that is not treating you right. You deserve better than this!

Don't let the fact that he is supporting you factor into this. You can do it on your own and you'll be much happier!

 

[theotherme]

Of course I don't want to leave. I love him dearly and think he's really screwed up. I wanted some feedback on whether I might be paranoid, and also from others who have been in relationships with bipolars.

I am not making excuses, but offering further information. I know he lies... but I have no clue how this medication will alter his behavior and judgment when he's been on it for more than 4 days.

I am in my first semester of a doctoral program, and though I have a GA, it barely pays any money. My family has no money to give me and live 9 hours away. I can't get a job outside school until I adjust to my school schedule. I did take out some loans so supplement my income, but it's not enough to pay rent and bills and I can't change the amount now.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Is this the relationship you want for the rest of your life?
Why do you feel the need to put yourself in this position?
What are you trying to "fix" from your past?

Here is my "stab in the dark"...
Normally the guy is the "knight in shining armor" to save the damsel.
You are a rescuer...so I have to ask which parent did you have to defend or rescue?

Fixing your BF will not change your past. In fact you will realize that just as your past cannot change neither will your BF. Save yourself some time and accept who you are and get healthy to meet someone who is healthy.
Then go and have a wonderful life...

 

[Sandy V.]

Yikes. Count your lucky stars he's your boyfriend and not your husband and cut your losses honey. That is the best advice I can give you.

I agree completely. You're only 24 and there are other fish in the sea. This one is definitely NOT a keeper. Run away and don't look back.

ETA: No, you're not being paranoid. Your gut instincts are kicking in and telling you that something is VERY wrong here. Unfortunately, you're confusing financial comfort/support with love right now and you're willing to excuse just about ANY bad behavior, even if it may be threatening to your own life or health, because you're scared ****less about the possibility of having to support yourself and still complete your education. Stop justifying his behavior and see it for what it REALLY is. Good luck; you are going to need it.

 

[Tiggeroo]

run run run. You are young, you have no kids, no really serious financial ties so get out. Only have a guy with you who makes you feel good, who you trust, who adds to your life.

 

[Frantasmic]

Okay, here's what you want.

Yes, you are being paranoid.

Despite the fact that your DBF has had multiple instances of cheating, either for real or just "cybering," which really isn't cheating, and has added password protection to his online activities or erased his online history, his medication should kick-in soon and you will live magically ever after.

You should allow him multiple indiscretions until either he gets better or you stop your silly feelings of paranoia and enablement.

Whatever you do, don't take an objective look at the situation; chalk it up to your paranoia and everything will be better

after all tomorrow is another day!

 

[Brianne]

My honest opinion? The relationship's already sunk. You don't trust him obviously because you have been checking up on him. Whether he's actually cheating or not, if the trust is gone, it's gone. It'd take a long time to build it back up again---you'd have to ask yourself if he's worth the time to work on getting past the trust issues & if it's all one-sided on your part. Doesn't sound like he's on board with saving the relationship, but then again we are only getting one side of the story.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

 

[snowball22]

Hugs!! Please leave this man. He has a pattern of bad behavior and you deserve better. The one thing I have learned is that you can't change a man. He is what he is. If your inner soul is hurting, then it is time to leave. Please don't doubt yourself and your thoughts. He is the one with the problems. You are a smart intelligent woman and you deserve the best this world has to offer. There are so many other men out there in the world who would be a much better fit for you. Life is short, why spend it with a man that is sucking your soul out of you. Please, take the first step to free yourself of this man. It may hurt in the beginning, but time will heal the wounds. In the meantime, by closing the door on this chapter in your life, you will be opening another door that could bring you the joy and happiness you deserve. Good luck!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Let's put it this way....

It is hard enough to have a good relationship with a good man.

Think about that.

 

[Chicago526]

At this point I'd advise you split the differance. Don't leave him, but don't marry him right now, either.

Give the meds some time to work, and see if his bad behavior is due to bipolar issue or if he's just behaving badly. If the meds clear up the bad behavior, then you'll have your answer and you can then decide if you want to go through with the wedding. If fishy stuff keeps happening, again, then you'll know and since you aren't married, it's a simple thing to pack your bags and leave. No messy divorce needed (and note I said simple, not easy. Leaving someone you love is never easy!).

And let him know that's your plan. "Dear, I'm not going to marry you until I'm sure all this nonsence is behind us. If you straighten out, great. If not, I'm gone!". This puts him on notice that if he doesn't get with the program, you ARE willing to walk away. If he is serious about you and this is just the bipolar making him behave this way, he'll stick with the medication and/or counseling for the sake of your relationship.

Meanwhile, work on getting yourself to the point that you can support yourself. It's never good for a person (male or female) to be 100% dependant on another for their financial well being. I'm happily married, but if my DH disappeared tomorrow (and it's not just divorce, he could be hit by a beer truck too!), I could support myself financialy. I'd be eating a lot of beans and rice, but I could make it. Even if this bipolar thing gets resolved, something bad could still happen and you'll need to be able to pay the bills. Plus I've found that just by being self sufficiant, guys tend to tow the line better because they KNOW you can and will walk if they don't treat you right!

No matter what happens, I think you both need counseling, both together and apart. Good luck, I hope it works out for you!

 

[kelleigh1]

Ready your posts, sounds exactly like me a few years back. So I can honestly say from experience, you should move on.

Your gut is telling you that there is something going on and yet you are using his bi-polar condition as an excuse. I can see that you are trying to justify what he's doing, but there is no justification. You deserve better.

You say that you "love him dearly", but it doens't sound like he loves you. Love requires trust and there isn't any. That's not your fault. It just isn't there. You know it, but you just don't want to admit it yet.

Please stop looking for ways to excuse his behavior. The text messages and his attempts at being secretive are huge red flags and you really need to see them for what they really are.

I was involved with this guy who was always telling me how much he loved me, etc. But then things just didn't seem right. So I checked his IM's and his email and discovered that he'd been lying to me all along. He was still involved with his "ex" and several other women. He told me how his former fiance cheated and he'd never do that. But then I'm reading an email that he sent to two other women saying how much he loved them and it was word-for-word the exact same email he had sent to me.

I finally decided enough was enough and I walked away from the relationship. Less than a year later, I met my husband.

 

[EthansMom]

If BF was interested in having your trust, he wouldn't be secretive and making excuses about everything that's suspicious. Let's face it, multiple other women aren't going to be communicating with him unless HE'S GOING AFTER THEM! (Sure, one woman sending personal messages, I might believe. But not more than one.)

Move on. Invest your energy on yourself. He hasn't changed yet and he ready or willing to change right now.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I believe that I know this poster from previous threads.
YES, it seems that it is always 'about HIM'.
YES, he has a problem with cyber-sex, pornography, and emotional cheating.
YES, he has placed these, and other things, well ahead of the OP in his priorities.
YES, this poster has stated a desire to 'fix' or 'save' him.
(I COMPLETELY agree with MysteryMachines observations on this.... OP, you should go re-read her post. )

To the OP, I think you need to take a good look at your own motivations for being in this relationship. And, I do not see how it can be healthy to remain in this type of co-dependant relationship. Your psychological, emotional, and physical health are at stake.

She says she depends on him financially, yet she feels the need to 'save' him. She is taking this on willingly. This is not a realistic, or healthy expectation in a relationship.

She states how very much she loves him, as if she thinks that this love will conquer all, and that her love will cause him to reciprocate in return. Which is simply not the way these things work.

Whatever you do, OP, PLEASE look out for yourself!

 

[momrek06]

OP, you are going through such a hard time now with the issues with DBF and graduate school. I personally think you are way too young to have all these issues.

My DS is 24yo and his DGF is 22yo. They ROCK each others world 24/7!! They are and have been madly in love for close to two years. No marriage plans as of yet, just having the time of their lives, spending time together, getting to know each other every single day. He is a graduate student in a grueling program and she just graduated from college. (They were/are at the same college)!!!

You do not need allot of baggage right now. You need to be focused on school without allot of drama in the way.

I do not want to hurt your feelings but the best advice I can think to say is to CONCENTRATE ON SCHOOL and move on from this relationship.

to you OP! Keep us updated! We are here for you!

 

[RitaZ.]

While none of us knows all the little details of your relationship with your BF, one thing is certain: it's causing you stress and grief. This is no way to start a marriage. Relationships are hard enough without all these complications.

Women tend to want to "fix and make things right", but the truth is that it isn't up to you to do that; it's up to him. Standing by him is all nice and good, but do you really want to make a lifetime commitment to him while constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering what is up to? That's no way to live.

It doesn't matter what any of us thinks. What do you want for yourself? Do you want to live this way? Best of luck to you.

 

[grlpwrd]

His background:
He is 23. Works full time and goes to school full time (2 nights per week).

For a guy who seems so busy he sure spends a lot of time not devoting his time to you. The porn thing I can understand, but not the sneakiness with the other girls.

Think about it.

I would want a man to adore me, not play me for a fool.

 

[DisneyStar006]

Having just ended a marriage with a bi-polar man, I'll share the very basic issue with a bi-polar person.

Life is ALL ABOUT THEM. My ex was up-front about his illness before we married, but I truly didn't understand that basic issue.

I agree 100% I would run, it sounds like he is making far too many excuses.

However, if you do decide to stay with him, you need to be prepared to support him through his illness and through finding the right meds (it make take many tries to find the right one for him) and be prepared that he could, and probably will, do this again.

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

Having just ended a marriage with a bi-polar man, I'll share the very basic issue with a bi-polar person.

Life is ALL ABOUT THEM. My ex was up-front about his illness before we married, but I truly didn't understand that basic issue.

I don't understand this? I've been diagnosed as bipolar for about 10 years now, and life has never been all about me... it's always been all about other people. Whenever life wants to turn that it's all about me (like with my recient surgery) I feel ultra guilty. I probably thanked my boyfriend 100 times for staying with me in the hospital.