We went to see
Cars yesterday afternoon. I'll tell you about it. Because I can. Not because you're interested. Just skim for your name. That's what George W. Bush would do.
First of all, I haven't been to the movies in forever. You know the last movie I saw in the theatre here was
Finding Nemo? That was 3 years ago. So you might imagine my surprise when I stroll up to the box office only to discover that it now costs more to go to the movies during the day than it used to cost to go at night. Am I getting old? Is this a sign of old age?
I finish signing over the title to my car to pay for the tickets and we walked inside where we were immediately assaulted by an elderly gentleman trying to force people to join the Regal Club. I said, "No thanks, Jack. I'm already a member of some freaky internet fraternity with strange rules and secret meetings. The handshake is a bear to perform when you're on a laptop." He looked chagrined but pointed us towards our theatre. He evidently doesn't work for Disney. If he did, he would have pointed us to the combination snack bar and gift shop. No matter, my daughter was in tow and we were not seeing any movie unless she got her Skittles. She has a pavlovian thing with movies and Skittles. Also: swimming and apples and daddy and wild victory dances. Go figure.
As it turns out, I didn't have enough cash for the ridiculously large sized bag o' popcorn (mis-appropriately named "medium"), the drinks and my daughter's Kids' Reel Pack with the essential bag of Skittles. My wife gave up her engagement ring and one earring.
Having avoided a Seinfeldian moment at the snack bar, we entered the auditorium where we got mugged by the seat saving incident scene. Scores of adults with tiny head bobbing up and down next to them were scattered throughout the theatre. Yet we could not find three seats together amongst this sea of strange faces. Lots of coats adorned empty seats. I found myself walking up the aisle asking, "are these seats saved?" One woman said, "I don't know whose coat that is. Just throw it on the floor and take the seats." Me: "Uh, no thank you, ma'am. We'll keep looking." Yeah, b/c I want to come back from the potty and discover my jacket is on the floor and some dirtbag and his family have poached our seats.
We finally found three together and parked ourselves and began to munch on the expensive buffet I purchased with a hardship withdrawal from my 401(k). Having not been to the movies since Bill Clinton was impeached, I forgot about how obnoxious previews can be. These were mostly benign until they showed the preivew for
How To Eat Fried Worms, which was one of my favorite books as a kid. Go figure. The preview was unnecessarily vivid. Worms. Alive. Dead. Boiled. Fried. Squirting worm juice. Exploding. I could feel my stomach churning. It was like reading an installment of LaLa's Trip Report. Or my time sheet. I had to put down the popcorn. That's right, I could feel it coming back up.
No I did NOT pull a ZZUB.
But I thought about it.
And I thought, "Oh crap. I'm gonna ZZUB!"
And I hated all of your for putting that thought in my head.
But the movie was great. Go see it.
____________
Transitional music please.
____________
Sheridac: happy anniversary to you and yours.
Mel: the last two chapters of your Trip Report are some of the funniest stuff I've ever read. You are being wasted here.
Mr. Silly: "And then they came for the innuendos." That was so freakin funny. I continue laughing to myself about it. You are one funny, silly man.
ODG: I fear I was rude to you yesterday. I was in a mood, a rage even and none of that was your fault or your doing. In my anger I said somethings I just shouldn't have said. I have asked God to forgive me, but I need to ask you to forgive me as well. I am sorry.
To the rest of y'all. Peace out. Word. And other cool things that none of us are cool enough to say in real life.