Question on the halt of gift exchanging...(small rant)

[Suzy Mouse]

How do you come to the conclusion that it is time to stop exchanging gifts..either because the family has gotten larger...many kids...not enough money....?

Do you discuss this with the person/people or do you just say we don't feel like exchanging gifts?

I was given some lame excuse why we were no longer going to be receiving gifts from someone in the family. I personally love putting time and energy into either finding the perfect gift or making one. I feel gifts are given because you are cared about and they want to acknowledge you and the special occasion. When I said that I should have been consulted and that this is something I enjou doing...which was just taken away the person said this is what we want and if you still want to give us a gift that's fine.

Is this ridiculously absurd???Or what???

 

[FOJMO]

Everyone has a right to come to a decision about no longer giving gifts, and IMHO, it's really none of your business what the reason is.

As you stated, you feel gifts are given because you care about people and you want to acknowedge them and the occasion. You also say you love putting time and energy into finding or making the perfect gift. Then, keep on giving. You should NOT be giving presents because you are expecting to RECEIVE one. You should be giving them because you WANT to and not because you are getting one in return.

You should NOT have been consulted, because they are not making a decision about YOUR gift giving. THEY made a decision about THEIR gift giving and their excuse (be it lame or otherwise in your opinion) is entirely up to them.

Sorry if that's not the answer you expected, but that's my opinion.

 

[ChiTownZee]

I was given some lame excuse why we were no longer going to be receiving gifts from someone in the family.

What was that?

 

[Steve H.]

When our family started getting bigger (all the siblings got married, started having kids, etc.), DW and I brought up the possibility of drawing names or doing something that would save everyone a few $$ every Christmas. My siblings weren't thrilled with the name drawing idea, but we agreed to a $$ range that's lower than what we used to spend on each other when it was just the kids. Everyone was involved in the decision, though.

If someone in my family was having financial difficulties, though, we'd probably have no issues with buying them presents and not getting gifts in returns -- they're family, after all.

 

[Suzy Mouse]

I feel the underlying reason is because this person truly doesn't care about me. I am totally fine with that. But I've been nothing but nice and giving to this person. Why should I give a gift to this person if I know(assume) how they feel about me?

I do agree that I should continue to give if I feel like it and I will...but to the spouse. That person I know cares about me and the feelings are recipricated.

There are no financial difficulties, fortunately. The reason for this decision was because they don't exchange presents with "X" and their relationship with "X" is getting better. Therefore they want to treat us all the same. Wouldn't you want to add to "X" instead of taking away from us.

By the way this is family not friends.

FOJMO~ There is never a reason to apologize for opinions. If I ask for them then I want them. And I appreciate your honesty...even if you disagree!!

 

[Mishetta]

We don't exchange with many since I have no family but the few friends I buy for is because I want to give them something for the holidays. My one close friend said that maybe we should just limit our holiday gift giving to the kids. I said that was a great idea....but I still buy them (both husband & wife) a gift.

I had no problem with them not giving us a gift. In fact, I never even gave it a second thought. My friends do so much for me throughout the year that those are gifts in themselves. (They come over to fix things when DH doesn't know where to begin, they babysit my 15 month old when I have to run my Mom to her Cancer Center appts...etc...) I too, give gifts only because I want too & never expect anything in return. Therefore; I am never disappointed.

Suzy Mouse, don't feel bad that the gift giving ceremony will end. You can still give something (maybe on a smaller scale) to your loved one. I understand when you put time into purchasing the most perfect gift for that person, but maybe you can start doing something else for each other, like planning a special dinner on a certain date ~ just to be together, or do a "photo swap" with that person for Christmas...maybe they have a goofy picture of you when you were younger & vice versa....or a White Elephant exchange....something in your house that you've really wanted to get rid of (hopefully nothing they gave you!) Or just a plain old dollar scratch off ticket! I've given those out before when I've been short of $$ for someone's birthday & twice I've given out $50 winners! That was GREAT!!!

Okay...sorry this was so long but this kinda stuff in life is nothing to get upset about. Turn it around to make a "positive." Think of the $$$ you'll save if you decide not to exchange with this person anymore!

 

[jipsy]

Why should I give a gift to this person if I know(assume) how they feel about me?

You should give gifts because it makes you feel good to do so. Not because of how you think that person should or shouldn't feel about you or because you expect one in return.

Our family grew too large. I was a single mother, and faced with having to purchase my own child's Christmas, along with gifts for my three nieces, my nephew, my mother and father, my two sister's and their spouses/so's and my brother and his wife, along with any other gifts that I had to buy (people at work, friends, etc.) I simply could not afford it and I announced early in the year that I would not be able to purchase presents at Christmas for everyone.

My oldest sister got upset because she has alot of money and could afford to buy gifts for everyone. Then she realized that to ask me to do the same was not fair. So we decided to draw names - kids drew kids names, adults drew adults names, limit $25. My mother was relieved and thanked me for speaking up, as did my other sister. They both couldn't afford to buy all those gifts either, but were afraid to say so.

It helped all the kids to understand that it truly is the thought that counts.

Now that everyone is grown, we just play Dirty Santa. Women bring a woman's gift, men bring a man's gift. Limit is $25.

 

[Steve H.]

Originally posted by Suzy Mouse
The reason for this decision was because they don't exchange presents with "X" and their relationship with "X" is getting better. Therefore they want to treat us all the same. Wouldn't you want to add to "X" instead of taking away from us.

They wanted to "even" things out, so they're not giving to either of you? Yeah, that sounds pretty bass-ack-wards!

 

[Suzy Mouse]

My thoughts exactly Steve!!!

Jipsy~ You're right. But unfortunately there is just way too much emotional history for me to explain how I've been the one doing all the given. I feel that I am always on the chopping block. If someone keeps throwing punches at you...you can only take so much. At some point you have to walk away.

 

[Marla Hellwig]

With the cousins - we just do Christmas presents for the kids - now I am working on my sister in laws - at least we said no birthday presents for the adults - just cards

 

[piratesmate]

Even if it had been discussed, things don't always turn out like you expect. After 2 yrs of not receiving a gift at Christmas from one of DH's siblings (the others, who were still living at home, did get) we decided to discuss it with them. (We were concerned that we were making them feel bad. I get a kick out of making/shopping for everyone & could have cared less about receiving. It more an issue of they SEEMED uncomfortable.)

We suggested that we only get for our kids if they wanted to stop. They seemed really surprised & said they wanted to "continue" to exchange. We never received another gift from them. . . . . . . Of course after another 10 yrs, the other siblings no longer received gifts either.

DH doesn't want to stop - because it feels uncomfortable to give gifts to some but not all the siblings. He's not too thrilled either if I plan something as a "token" that isn't on par with the others. I decided to not let it ruin my holiday. (Although I obviously still think about it sometimes. )

d

 

[disykat]

Some people love to exchange gifts -others can't stand it. Dh and I, and our families fortunately fall in the same category. Most of my friends in the past have too, but now I am friends with gift givers. It drives me nuts. I don't want gifts, but try to "gift" them because I know it is important to them. Me, I'd rather spend the time I would've spent shopping having a cup of coffee and a good chat with them (read "The Five Languages of Love" - it's a great book about the different ways people love and feel loved.).

If someone doesn't want to exchange gifts, I would give them the gift of respecting their wishes.

Piratesmate, your dh's sibling is just being plain rude. They want to get gifts, but not give - very selfish. Kudos to you for trying to smooth things over.

 

[mkandk]

Count me in as another who hates to give gifts....I feel bad about it, and it's not that I don't want to give them something, it's the pressure of getting the "right" gift--not too much, not too little, no hidden meanings, not a waste of money, etc. I just hate shopping, period. Probably the main reason I get down at Christmas, because I love the rest of it.

But, to each his own.