Question about step children and vacation plans

[xoprincessmomxo]

Unfortunately with divorce and two families in the picture, some times its hard to act as a family with a child that you only see 4 days per month. JMHO.

Gosh, not trying to flame but that quote hurts my heart. As far as I would guess, that child did not choose to have his family break up and only be allowed visitation with his father only twice a month. I have a step daughter almost the same age, same visitation schedule. And I understand what you mean about not including him in everything...that would be impossible. But a family vacation? I would think less of my husband, personally, if he would even think that it would be ok to go on a vacation that big and leave his daughter behind. Sorry. JMHO.

 

[Steph9072]

I am the step-Mom of a twelve-year-old boy. When we went to WDW last May the idea of not taking him with us never even crossed our minds. When I said ours that includes his Dh and I as well as his Mom & Step-Dad. When we planned the trip dh and I asuumed we were going to give up summer visitation to take him BUT no he still came out for his three weeks through the summer.

Oh in May I am going to a family wedding dh has to work and I am taking my dss because he is our family period.

I think what the father did is awful...good news kids are observant and they will know this happened and the father will have to explain. It will come back to bit him in the butt.

When I married dh I knew he had a son. An innocent son who had nothing to do with the reason why his folks split. Therefore he will never be excluded from our family. This is his home and we are his family. Yes we only see him every other weekend but he is our family period.

 

[IkeandMike]

Just to clear up some confusion. The kids really arn't mine. They are my friend from works kids. I have twin five year olds and no step children. My husband and I are unhappily(haha) married. The kids in my signature are my kids.

I have more to add to this story, but I am cooking dinner, so first things first. I just wanted to thank all of you for your opinions. Whether they agree with me or not, I value them all. So don't be afraid to say whatever's on your mind.

 

[DisneyMOM09]

My step daughter is 21 and lives on her own and we still try to include her in all family vacations. (including Disney) However since she is an adult we also make her responsible for her expenses. (Whole other post about teaching her about being a responsible adult) The point is that we would never do anything with our two other children(DD8 and DD22mnths) vacation wise without making it known to her and inviting her along. I also try to schedule our family pictures for when she is home for a visit because I don't want her to feel as though she is not part of our family. I always say that I am the mother of three beautiful girls not just the two that I gave birth to.

 

[DisneyAprilFool]

Eh, first off- with blended families- nothing is TRULY fair, now is it? We have a 'mine, yours, and ours' and MY daughter and OUR son only get ONE holiday per holiday- my Husband's son (our eldest- trying to make it the least confusing) gets TWO holidays for each holiday (one here and one with his Mother)- is that fair to the kids left behind at OUR house? (IE two Christmases with double the presents- which he brags about- two birthdays with double the presents, etc).

I don't think you can always play 'fair' when it comes to families- even families that have never dealt with divorce.

What do I think is appropriate in this case? Well, first, I don't think the Dad should have lied to the kid- secondly, I think if he has ALWAYS had secondary custody- he should have worked around bringing all of his children along.

Now, if he was the primary custodian at first and then his child decided to live with his mother later on down the road- then I think it would be okay to occasionally go on trips without the child- why? I'm not sure- it's just how I feel.

We've always planned our major family vacations so everyone in the family can be there- but there have been minor vacations (like DisneyLand which we usually do once a year) where everyone hasn't tagged along. Typically, this is due to scheduel conflicts (like the year we planned and paid for a trip to DL with the ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY as a graduation present to my younger sister and our son's mother refused to let him come along since she wanted him that first week of summer).

 

[momminnie]

Let me say that I also am a step daughter 3 times over. My son has a step father(1st husband died when son now 21 was 6 months old) I didn't remarry until he was 10 years old. I let it be known, before we got married, that my son was not to be over looked in of our family situations. My now husbands family has always treated my son just like part of their family and for that I am very thankful. I would never consider going on a family vacation with out him. I was neglected as a child/stepchild and I refused to get him a stepfather that would do him that way. I now have another son 9 years old and we are all one family. There is no such thing as a part time child. I don't care what the visitation situation is. They should always be aware of the childs feelings. Those step parents who don't consider their stepchildren full time family members should just be ashamed of themselves. They should think how they would have felt if they had been treated in such a way. No part time children, no way, no how. I don't care what the excuse.

 

[gabriellyn]

Being a part of a blended family can be really difficult - I know first hand as I am on my second marriage w/2 older children from my first marriage and one younger DS w/my second husband. I have struggled with what to do with vacations and time off too. I haven't come up with any really good solutions but one that I would NEVER consider is letting my DH LIE TO MY CHILDREN ABOUT A VACATION. Or anything else for that matter! It's just despicable. I hope we haven't heard the whole story? I really try hard not to be judgmental, but this sounds horrible.

 

[IkeandMike]

Yeah that's pretty much the whole story as far as this vacation goes. He lied because he knew that if he had told my friend the truth than she would have went ballistic and he didn't want to hear her. Also this weekend is her son's 10th birthday. The dad called her today at work(because he knows that she can't yell at him) and told her just to keep the kids this weekend because of the birthday. She told him that the party that she planned for him wasn't until late afternoon sunday. That he could have the kids for friday night and saturday(his actual b-day) and just to bring them home sunday before the party. He said that's okay they would rather spend time with her anyway. So he's not even going to see the boy for his b-day until tues. He said he might pick him up from school and spend some time with him.

She must have brought something up to him about the vacation because she told me that he said to her that the kids didn't even care that they went to disney without them. She's the one that's making a big deal out of it, not the kids.

Plus if he doesn't take the kids on the weekends she has to bring them to work with her on Sat. mornings because she has no one to watch them. He does this kind of thing to her all of the time.

But beyond what he is doing to her(she's a grown adult) I feel for how her son's must feel. The youngest really doesn't know what it means to have a father who loves him. He's just the guy that he visits on the weekend when it's convenient for him.

 

[AMaloy314]

Ok. I know that this is going to be a flame worthy post so I'm getting out my misting fan now.

First let me say that it sounds like this guy is a real jerk. Sneaking around and lying are NEVER ok no matter the situation.

But there are situations where I can see stepchildren not being included in a vacation. I have 2 step-daughters, ages 13 and 15, and 3 sons with my DH, 7,6,and 2. The boys and I have been to WDW with DH 2 times without my stepdaughters. Would I have liked to have taken the girls? Absolutely, and they ARE going with us in September, but only after their mother made it possible for us.

In the past, the girls did 4H projects with their father in another county from where we live. This was kind of 'their thing' together and culminated in a week long camping trip with just the 3 of them every summer. The boys were just too young to be able to go for the entire time and wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as the girls loved having daddy to themselves anyway. Because we live approximately 2 hours away, DH and the girls would rent a camper and stay at the fair for the entire week costing about $2500 by the time it was all over. Once summer was over, they were back at the mother's place again.

This was their vacation with our side of the family each year. They also would go on vacation with their mother and stepfather over the week of spring break, including once to WDW and another trip to Universal Studios, so they were able to go to other places, too.

Every 2 years we are able to take the boys to WDW if we go during Value Season and stick to a budget. The last time we went in February, 2007 and DH's ex decided that she was going to make this the next arguing point. How could he? etc,etc. Well, once he explained that she would never allow us to take the girls out of school, including for the wedding of my father who the girls consider their grandfather, that the girls DO go on vacation with him every summer, and we only go every two years because we just can't afford to go every year, she wanted to argue that none of that was true. It was all HIS fault.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she tells everyone she knows that we take family vacations to WDW without the girls but leaves the rest of the story out.

Luckily, her ranting proved positive to us. DH called her bluff and told her that if she would allow the girls to do 4H in our county and let us take them out of school, we would love to have them go with us. She fussed about it quite a bit before she agreed, and actually tried to get out of the agreement at the last minute about signing the release to let them do the fair here last summer.

We now have plans for all 7 of us to go to WDW at the end of Sept (think free dining!), and I can not wait to be able to do some really cool things with them. The oldest girl will turn 16 while we are there, so we are booking a Segway tour for just her and DH as well as some other special things. I have purchased trip insurance, just in case ex decides to try to pull something at the last minute. I know that the girls missed staying at the fair last summer in order that we could afford to go, but we are all having fun getting ready for this trip.

Please be aware when judging someone's situation, make sure you aren't getting half the story (and that half isn't coming from someone that may have an ax to grind!).

 

[IkeandMike]

O

k. I know that this is going to be a flame worthy post so I'm getting out my misting fan now.

\


I wouldn't flame anyone for their opinion. I don't have any step children myself and I just wanted to see if in fact it was okay to do what my friends ex did. Bottom line, from reading everyone's different blended families that at times it IS okay. If it's done the right way. Where you INCLUDE the other children into the decision making. Or as in your case, do something else with the children.

 

[hlbrink]

That is a horrible story. My stepmother barely tolerated us, yet my Dad included us in family vacations every summer. My mother had to pick up the pieces of stuff my stepmother did (and father allowed) to my siblings and me quite often, so I know what you are going through, OP. It's such a shame that this kind of stuff goes on in stepfamilies because here I am, well into my 30's, and memories of childhood incidents still haunt me. Hopefully your wife's ex is well aware of the hurt he caused his son and this won't happen again. Because his son will remember for a very long time

 

[mommyaof2]

Well, I have to chime in here. I am a stepmom to an 18 year old son and I have to say that I can see it both ways for sure. I have been married to my dh since my stepson was 6. We now have 2 dds together 10 and 6 and we went to DW last year without him. The last couple of years have been really hard with my stepson and he barely even comes around us anymore. It has nothing to do with how much we love him or care about him, to be honest. He has not been happy with us lately because we refuse to just give him everything that he wants. My dh had the every other weekend schedule since my stepson was 1 and he never got a holiday or birthday or even a week during the summer months. His ex has made a life out of keeping my stepson out of ours. What do you do in this situation? The realtionship is not a good one on both sides. I don't feel that we did a thing wrong not taking him with us. His mom would have probably not let him go anyways, and because of the problems, I didn't want it to ruin the trip with our girls. Trust me, we have tried to repair the relationship with him and right now, there is no repairing it. I honestly don't even know what we have done. I have loved him as my own from day one and always done over and beyond for him and it has been thrown back in my face time after time. We didn't lie to him about it though. Like a previous poster said, there are 2 sides to every story. Not every blended family situation is a pleasant one. In our case, it is not pleasant, but not because we haven't tried. I think you have to look at each individual situation to be able to form an opinion. We didn't take our son with us and I don't think that makes us bad people. We have done the best we can do with our situation. We are planning on going again this year or next and we plan on going just myself, dh, and our girls. If things change between now and then, maybe he will be going with us.

 

[mnasmom3]

Those poor boys. I can't imagine their heartbreak.

I don't have step children but I am one and have been for a long time. As kids, my brother and I were always included in family event such as travel or get togethers. If it wasn't our time with our dad, him and our mom would arrange it so it was....so we could be included. I lived with my mother and step dad and same thing went for that side. My step dad's kids didn't live with us, but we always included them.

 

[Darcy03231]

Well, I have to chime in here. I am a stepmom to an 18 year old son and I have to say that I can see it both ways for sure. I have been married to my dh since my stepson was 6. We now have 2 dds together 10 and 6 and we went to DW last year without him. The last couple of years have been really hard with my stepson and he barely even comes around us anymore. It has nothing to do with how much we love him or care about him, to be honest. He has not been happy with us lately because we refuse to just give him everything that he wants. My dh had the every other weekend schedule since my stepson was 1 and he never got a holiday or birthday or even a week during the summer months. His ex has made a life out of keeping my stepson out of ours. What do you do in this situation? The realtionship is not a good one on both sides. I don't feel that we did a thing wrong not taking him with us. His mom would have probably not let him go anyways, and because of the problems, I didn't want it to ruin the trip with our girls. Trust me, we have tried to repair the relationship with him and right now, there is no repairing it. I honestly don't even know what we have done. I have loved him as my own from day one and always done over and beyond for him and it has been thrown back in my face time after time. We didn't lie to him about it though. Like a previous poster said, there are 2 sides to every story. Not every blended family situation is a pleasant one. In our case, it is not pleasant, but not because we haven't tried. I think you have to look at each individual situation to be able to form an opinion. We didn't take our son with us and I don't think that makes us bad people. We have done the best we can do with our situation. We are planning on going again this year or next and we plan on going just myself, dh, and our girls. If things change between now and then, maybe he will be going with us.

Just wanted you to know that I've been there too! DH's son got very difficult when he was about 15/16. DH had custody of both kids in his divorce but once DS was about 16.5 he decided to live with his mom and we rarely saw or heard from him once he left. Actually, he'd been so difficult I really wasn't sorry to see him go and our household ran much smoother without him living with us. We did keep the lines of communication open on our end. He'll be 24 this summer and in the last several years there has been a huge change in him (growing up I guess). He now wants to be included in all of our family events and holidays, calls his dad at least once a week and is a very nice, pleasant young man. He did a complete 180 from the way he was in his late teens. He's apologized several times for the way he acted towards us and said he really feels badly that he did the things he did to us. He admits there was no real reason for it, although I suspect his mother was behind a lot of it, but that's another story. Hang in there. There is hope.

 

[CampbellScot]

as a step parent I can say that any trip my husband and I go on, that the kids are available to go on, they go. We would never go to Disney with other kids and not take them if there was any way they could go too.

It can be very tricky. I know that there are going to be times when my husband and I and any children we may have are going on a vacation or trip and it just won't work out for my step kids to come for whatever reason...it's going to happen. That's the nature of divorce. It stinks, but it is what it is.

But we would NEVER do what was done your girlfriend's kids. That sort of thing is just devastating and it plants seeds of abandonment and rejection. Poor kids.

divorce is wretched. the kids always pay for it.

as a child of divorce I know this is true.

*sigh*

 

[meandtheguys2]

I don't think you can always play 'fair' when it comes to families- even families that have never dealt with divorce.

While life with a blended fam is never easy and difficult to keep "fair" if you can't depend on your family to do what is "right" who can you depend upon? Parents need to suck it up, and do what is right. Not go the selfish, easy route.

 

[IdoBeliveinFairies]

Ouch! What a slap in the face to that poor kid. As a mother of a wonderful step daughter (who I consider my own, and she likewise) I can't imagine leaving a child out of plans to go to Disney or anywhere for that matter. You know I am really cheesed off at parents who don't appreciate their children. I know they can be difficult but they are a wonderful gift. I am sorry for that child because that sends him a very bad message.

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

I've had step-parents and was once left out of a very special cruise vacation. That was years ago and I have never forgotten it or the hurt associated with it. I have been able to let go of the anger but the hurt will sometimes rear its ugly head.

Children do not ask for their parents to get divorced or to re-marry. If you choose to become a part of a blended family then you, as the adults, choose to act like adults and do the right thing with the children!!!

If the childrens' schedules don't work or they choose another activity or are babies or even have severe behavior difficulties, then that is fine that they not be a part of the trip. Children should never be left out of family vacations. The money saved on that one trip will always be far less than the emotional cost to the child.

 

[vcgirl925]

Well i have to say that your girlfriends ex sounds like a real prize. Her poor boys. That's just wrong, IMO you take all the kids or none of the kids. If you put yourself in a swituation to where you marry into stepkids, they become your kids, end of story. I'm sorry that her kids have been put in this rotten predicament. Has she confronted them about their "Atlantic City" getaway?

 

[AngieWin]

I know this is an old thread, but I thought I would add my 2 cents since it is a situation we are facing in the future. We have did WDW in June 2002, DL April 2005, WDW November 2005, and WDW July 2007 with all of the kids (ages now dsd 14, dss 13, ds 5, ds almost 3). This next trip in March of 2009 will likely be with just the 2 little boys. Not because the older 2 are step (who btw live with us and have visitation with their mom) but because they have whined through the last 2 Disney trips about everything we have done and declared on the last trip that was the last time they wanted to go back. We just took our first weekend vacation without them last month and only because they were on a 2 week vacation with their mom. Dh and I have been together for 8 1/2 years, married for 7 1/2.

We will not hide it or lie to them about it. I think that they are at a point right now where this kind of vacation is not fun for them (or anyone else with them for that matter). We have planned a different kind of vacation (non-theme park related) this summer and will do the same again for next summer with everyone involved.