Question about step children and vacation plans

[IkeandMike]

To make a long story short(I don't think it will be possible) My girlfriend has two sons. Her ex husband left her for another woman while she was pregnant with the second son. Her youngest son is now 10 years old, the ex has since married the same woman that he left her for, she has a 13 year old daughter by another man and together they have a son who is 4.

Three weeks ago, the ex told my girlfriend that he wouldn't be able to take the kids for two weekends because he and the wife were going to Atlantic City. When they arrived back home, my girlfriends 10 year old went into the room of his little half brother and found him playing with a train set. When he asked his little brother where he got that great new toy, the brother said,"Oh I got it a disney last week". So it turns out that they all went to disney and left my girlfriends two sons out of the family(again) planning. I guess one could rationalize it as well they don't live with them full time, but I just think it's wrong.

What do you think?

Oh by the way her oldest son has been living with the father and step mother full time for the past few months.

 

[higgy66]

I have no personal experience of step children but I have a couple of famly members who do.

ALL children are included in any family holidays so much so the kids end up with at least 2 major holidays a year as they flit from one family to the other. They love it!

How on earth do you explain all this your girlfriends children - the 10 year old must be devestated.

I married into a family where the kids were not treated equally - nothing as bad as this - but the results are still evident now with bitterness and jealousy.

 

[IkeandMike]

Thank You Janet

My heart just breaks for those two boys. I don't know how they can't see what they are doing to them.

 

[Darcy03231]

DH and I have four kids between the two of us (2 are his and 2 are mine). A "family" vacation includes all six of us. When we were first married there was times when he took his 2 and went away with them somewhere for a long weekend and on the same weekend I took my two and went somewhere. At the time the oldest was 13 (his) and the youngest was 3 (mine). This way we were able to do things age appropropriate with both sets of children. Since I have way more vacation time than DH sometimes I take the kids away somewhere. I've always made sure to invite all of kids (they're now 14, 16, 19, & 23). Sometimes they all go and sometimes they don't, but I would never want any of them to feel left out. I really feel for those two boys.

 

[DISNEYJAZZ]

OMG how awful to do that to your children...my cousin had asona nd married a second time and had a son with this man and then they divorced and he remarried and had a son...when it came to holidays,vacations whatever hshe would take the newest lil 1/2 brother with her and he'd in turn take her older son,his exstep son,with him with his family on vacation. just because the adults don't love each other anymore sdeosn't mean the love for the child ,nomatetr who's it it,should change...sure doesn't change for the kids...they ,most anyway,love unconditionally.bless those poor boys...
i just don't get it,i am having a hard time thinking that i am going to disney with my oldest set of grands,5 & 3, and will be leaving my other children and their kids ,ages 3 & 3 & 1, and ages 2 & 1, home.even though my dd & dsil invited us to vacation with them. { 3rd time in last 3 years,they must love us or know nanna and pawpaw are built in baby sitters! hehe.} i plan on going next year with the next oldest set then the following year wiht the youner set...all will be 5 & 3 when we go so should work out well...now if nanna can just hold up to it all...lol...
bless those boys and their lil hearts...

 

[meandtheguys2]

I'd say that with the given information the dad is a miserable excuse for a human being.

 

[mrsbballref]

I am a step-parent myself. Never in a million years
would I dream of going somewhere without including
our DD7. But, notice I said our DD. She is absolutely
my daughter too! However, I have been with her
since she was almost 2, so I'm sure that makes somewhat
of a difference.

Your story absolutely breaks my heart. I realize that
not everyone feels about their step-kids like I do
about mine, but still... did they think the little guys
wouldn't find out?

This is what gives step-parents a bad name.
Hugs to the boys.
Lori

 

[The Disney Bunch]

I am going to get flamed for this but since the kids don't live with the ex fulltime he might have thought that the girlfriend wouldn't allow the trip or something. I don't think he was obligated to take them on this trip - at some point I do think he should. It is no different than parents who post here that they are taking one or two of their kids & leaving another one home with Grandma. How is this different? I do think it crappy of him that he lied about it & didn't take the two sons but maybe he will or plans to at another time.

 

[meandtheguys2]

The man lied to the mother of his kids, and to the kids. It doesn't appear that he asked her about taking them. And just because a kid doesn't live with a parent doesn't make them expendable.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

I am going to get flamed for this but since the kids don't live with the ex fulltime he might have thought that the girlfriend wouldn't allow the trip or something. I don't think he was obligated to take them on this trip - at some point I do think he should. It is no different than parents who post here that they are taking one or two of their kids & leaving another one home with Grandma. How is this different? I do think it crappy of him that he lied about it & didn't take the two sons but maybe he will or plans to at another time.

I wouldn't do that either. I guess some do when it's an infant that wouldn't remember the trip anyway, which I still wouldn't do but I can see why others might. This is a 10 y.o. who would be very aware that he was left out. I'm so sad for him. It's one thing if they invited him and he declined or even if his mom wouldn't allow it but sheesh, what a slap in the face.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I am both a step parent and a parent...My step DD 11 doesn't live with us full time, but when we plan any family vacation, we'd never just take half the family. I look at it this way: It was a packaged deal when I fell in love with her father. It's kind of like I got two for the price of one and I couldn't be happier! I feel for those children. You might divorce your spouse but you can never divorce your children!

 

[3princesses+aprince]

That is terrible. I have a stepson, who is 11, and dh and I have 3 daughters together. I could never imagine taking a vacation without my stepson. We have a week vacation planned over 4th of July week, he is coming. And we are going to Disney next April ,and would never even want to go without him. I know some people feel differently towards their stepkids, but the boy's dad should have said, no way am I taking a family vacation without the boys too. That's too bad, i'm sure they were very hurt by this.

 

[tlbwriter]

Playing devil's advocate... it sounds like he only sees these kids on weekends? Is it possible that he didn't think their mother would actually let him take them for a whole week?

Other than that... yeah, pretty sleazy.

 

[meandtheguys2]

It wouldn't matter, because he didn't even ask. Had hea sked, and not lied, and she said no, the blame would lay on her shoulders.

 

[tlbwriter]

It is no different than parents who post here that they are taking one or two of their kids & leaving another one home with Grandma. How is this different?

Generally when people don't take all of the kids, it's because the ones left behind are too young, or because this is a special treat/reward for one child, and the other(s) will have a turn as well. Neither of those is the case here.

 

[nifferdo]

Im sure I will get flamed for this post as well but here goes.

I have a stepson 12 and three kids 1, 3 and 5. We went to Disney back in 2004 for a week with my family (sister and her family, mom and our family at the time which only consisted of our son who was almost 2 and my stepson who was 8 at the time, I think). Anyways, we went for 10 days and he came. When we booked the trip his mom had a cow and said that she wanted to be the one to take him to Disney, blah blah blah. She has yet to take him and that was over 3 yrs ago! Since then my dh and I have been two more times with our kids and stepson did not come. I am going again in May with my mom and I am only taking my two older kids (3 and 5), the baby will stay home with her daddy and I am not taking my stepson.

My stepson does not live with us and only comes to our house every other weekend. Although he is very much a part of our family, he isnt always included in everything that we do since he does not live at our house. I dont feel guilty at all about going to Disney without him. He came with us one time (which is more than his mom has ever taken him) and he chose to live with his mom.

I do think its terrible that the man lied to his children about where he was going but I dont think its horrible that he didnt take his two other children. Unfortunately with divorce and two families in the picture, some times its hard to act as a family with a child that you only see 4 days per month. JMHO.

 

[meandtheguys2]

How sad. I am extrememly grateful that my stepmom considered us family. Any parent that would show such favoritism for the new kids is pretty low, in my opinion. He is either callous and uncaring, or has no backbone.

 

[bumbershoot]

IkeandMike, I'm so sorry.

I'm a stepdaughter three times over, and I know for sure my brother and I were left out of things that my dad and stepmom did. I KNOW it.

They talk about Disney trips they took, and I was not invited...heck my brother mentioned a Disney trip he took with them, and I know I wasn't there. Seems I might have been in college, but I would have liked to be informed and invited!

It's one thing if the offer is made and is turned down by the child.

But to not invite, to not tell, and to lie, especially when you have a 4 year old in the house (little truth serums, kids that age are, as I was just saying in another thread)..the truth is bound to come out, and that's rotten.

To any stepparents out there...if your significant other is purposely leaving out some of their children from vacation plans, imagine what it might feel like down the road if YOUR relationship ends, and now your joint kids are the noncustodial kids.... If a parent is leaving some kids out and you're OK with it...as a stepdaughter...well...words fail me.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

To any stepparents out there...if your significant other is purposely leaving out some of their children from vacation plans, imagine what it might feel like down the road if YOUR relationship ends, and now your joint kids are the noncustodial kids.... If a parent is leaving some kids out and you're OK with it...as a stepdaughter...well...words fail me.

I think these are very wise words. I think (and I have had to remind myself to do this before) that the step parent needs to feel how their own kids would feel in that situation. I couldn't imagine my children's feelings if their father would decide to take only one child on vacation with him. Your child is your child....wether or not they live with you 100% of the time or only on weekends.

 

[averysmom]

I think that any kind of blended family situation is tricky to get right.

I think lying is NEVER the answer!

My BIL and SIL have one son together, her ds lives with them and his dd lives with his ex., but stays with them for every other weekend. Family outings has always been a bone of contention between my BIL and SIL b/c he wants to save all outings for the weekend that dd comes with them, and she says that it's not fair to the other children - why aren't THEY special enough to go on outings as well, why is it ONLY on dd's weekend. And I'm not talking Disney here - but even movies, trips to the beach, etc.

I can totally see both sides, TBH.

It is probably made worse b/c they are less well off financially than BILs ex -so dd goes on trips/outings with her Mom and Step Dad as well.

And I do see that you have a trip coming up on your ticker... maybe they knew that you were taking them already and decided that since they were already going that it would be a special trip for the other children? I am NOT condoning the lying and sneaking - but I do tend to see the other side as well.

Good luck - it really is NEVER easy!